Tirade

tirade

“You’ve done what? I cannot believe it. What on earth possessed you to do that? Are you mad? Are you completely unhinged woman? Sweet Jesus I don’t believe what you just said to me. How many times have we been over this before? Countless times. Hell, I said it only yesterday didn’t I? I cannot believe you would be so stupid as to do something like this, it just beggars belief. You know I am starting to think that you do this on purpose don’t you? It’s no good shaking your head and staring at me like that, do you think I will feel sorry for you if you give me those eyes? Do you? I said DO YOU? Yes, you may as well shake your head again, it’s about as much as someone of your idiocy can do. I swear I am living with an epsilon semi-moron, have you always been this fucking dumb? I guess you have. It was such a simple thing to do, straight forward, a child could do it, but no not you, you had to go and be clever and go and royally fuck it up. You absolute idiot. You have ruined everything now; you do realise that don’t you? I mean it is completely ruined and how about that for a fantastic start eh? Yes, I am being sarcastic, I suppose I have to explain that to someone as brain dead as you. Jesus, why on earth have I been saddled with you. Don’t you fucking dare speak when I am speaking, you’ve done enough damage as it is, you will shut the fuck up and listen to me when I am setting you straight. I have pointed out to you so many bloody times what you should do and you assured me, you stood there and assured me that you knew what you were doing. That was a lie. I SAID SHUT UP AND DON’T INTERRUPT ME! I swear you want me to hit you don’t you? That’s what you are trying to do. Oh I know you alright, you think you are so damn clever but I have you worked out. I know what you are up to. That’s right, wind me up, get it wrong, disappoint and frustrate me and then you want me to explode and land myself in some hot water. Well it isn’t going to work with me. I am not stupid. I am not you, you know. I know what I am doing. I am the one that keep this place together, you would do well to remember that when you are busy ruining everything with your mind-blowing and monumental incompetence. It is breath taking. It truly is. I told you what to do. I told you once, I told you a hundred times and you said to me and I can specifically remember what you said, you said ‘don’t worry, I can be trusted to get it right’. Yes, that is what you said. It is no point looking like that, don’t pull that face with me, don’t you fucking dare, I am sick of you not showing me enough respect around here. I work my backside off to keep things afloat, not that you give me any credit for it though. Oh no, you are too busy taking the piss, fucking things up and spoiling it for everyone and especially for me. I don’t know what I am going to do now. I mean, you’ve just, I, I am almost lost for words. You see, not only have you cocked it right up but you have lied to me as well. I don’t know which is worse, but that’s you all over isn’t it. The liar, the deceiver, you flatter to deceive. Don’t think I don’t know what you get up to. I have my eye on you, yes, you would do well to look worried, I know all about you. What are you looking over there for? Look at me when I am talking to you. Look. At. Me. Oh here we go, the waterworks. If you have messed up and you are being corrected start crying and it will be all okay again. Well it won’t will it? It won’t be okay after what you have done. It won’t be fine. It won’t be good or great or fine and dandy. You have messed it up. I knew this would happen. I knew I shouldn’t have left it to you, but do you know what, I thought to myself, no, give her a chance, let her prove she can do it, let he demonstrate that she can be trusted to get it right, I mean, after all, that is what a relationship is all about isn’t it? Trust. Without trust there is nothing. Do you see what you have done? Do you? Do you really understand the impact of what you have done? Somehow I doubt it, that is why I am having to do this. Do you think I like shouting at you? What’s that? Were you going to nod then? Why you ungrateful and nasty bitch, you have some cheek to accuse me of enjoying this when I am the one who has to put up with the consequence of your outrageous incompetence. I am the one who is put out. I am the one who has to suffer. You will just walk away muttering about having understood, how you have learned your lesson and you won’t do it again but I may as well be speaking in Mandarin for all of the notice that you take. I told you to stop crying. If you don’t stop crying, I am going to seriously lose it with you. Christ, what am I going to do? You’ve messed it up and ruined it for me. You don’t care, you don’t. If you did care you wouldn’t keep doing this would you. You wouldn’t keep making these mistakes and winding me up. You are trying to send me to an early grave aren’t you so you can have all this to yourself aren’t you? Got some fancy man on the side have we? I bet that’s what this is all about isn’t it? Ruin me through your incompetence and then waltz off into the sunset with some Johnny Come Lately after I croak it, sent to an early grave by your scheming. You’d love that wouldn’t you, to see me off. You nasty cow, no wonder nobody likes you, no wonder nobody asks you out. Oh yes, we never get invited anywhere these days because of you and your behaviour and is it any wonder. You are a walking disaster area. I mean people put up with you, they did it for my sake, I have good friends like that, or should I say I had good friends like that but thanks to you they are disappearing like rats on a sinking ship. You won’t be happy will you until you have completely ruined everything for me will you. That’s what you want. You want me on my knees, gasping for breath, miserable and wretched as you cavort and carry on with some other mug that you have seduced and promised the world to. I can’t believe I fell for it, but then I guess you keep the real you hidden don’t you, tucked away until you have your feet under the table, your name on the deeds and the joint Amex account. Well you are not that clever because you won’t beat me. I am cleverer than you. I am going to make you pay for what you have done. I am the one who is in charge here, this is my house and you do what I say. I am going to unleash hell against you after this catastrophe, it is an outrage, a complete outrage. I pity our neighbours having to put up with this, but you make me do it, it is all about you. I am not fooled by the frightened looks and the tears, other people might be taken in by it, but I am not. I know it is all for show. You disgust me, you scheming, manipulative, hateful cow. I curse the day I met you. Now look, you’ve made me late, thanks a bunch, that’s all I need. I’m going and don’t think I’ve finished; this is far from over.”

Silence.

“I thought you would prefer raspberry jam to marmalade,” you say softly to nobody in particular.

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29 thoughts on “Tirade”

  1. Reblogged this on Speak Out 4 Others and commented:
    Way too familiar. It was always my fault. If I found out he was cheating, well, I shouldn’t have been snooping around. I’d say I’d found his profile on several dating sites. His response was to ask me why I was on those sites. Always flipped it around on me. But…. That’s what they do.

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  2. Well. Yes. How absolutely horrible. The worst? All the components in the tirade are one huge collage of what you heard in words and how you felt in your soul the child abuse you experienced. You became the perfect vehicle for your mother.

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  3. You just described my original trauma: What I’ve witnessed as a very small child, my father shouting at my mother. Always used “cow”, too. He put pictures of cows everywhere in our house.

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  4. Agree with this being so many triggers. Happened so often when he wanted to leave. After the second child this was almost daily.
    Now he acts like he didn’t know I was unhappy….

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  5. Wow, that is different. I never made this experience, not with my personal devil, nor with my n. mother. They never shouted. Every mean thing was told in a very calm way. Too calm, too polite and too friendly. It was so friendly that no one ! noticed that it was of a harsh malice. Both were experts of this behaviour. If I had met someone to shout at me or criticize me like above I would have gone just in a minute. No interest at all. I would have rolled my eyes and then”Hold your tongue” That would be the last time, he saw me. I was not used to such a behavior. It is unfamiliar for me. Wow, in some way, I met the clone of my mother.

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    1. Same here, Mona: my ex-narc was always very calm, always using a well practised charming tone of voice. People still thought he was genuine and charming, while I was fighting anxiety attacks.

      My father shouted, though, he was not that kind of scheming higher malicious narc, just low and abusive. I was the only person in my family who ever shouted back at him … and who got in trouble for that. Not him.

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  6. One example: A friend visited me and my mother came to welcome my friend. She told my friend with a very sweet voice : “Would you like to come for dinner with us? My dauther is not good at cooking. So, I just want to buy something. What do you like?” And then she smiled very friendly to my friend, as if it was a joke. It was none. If that happens once, it is o.k. If it happens always, you know, what it means.
    My mother always tried to pinch my friends. My friends seemed to be her friends. And then she triangulates my friends against me. Nice?

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  7. I agree with Sarabella and Ava101. This kind of tirade on this level is years of learned behavior that has one conditioned that it is completely acceptable to behave this way with no accountability.

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    1. You mean towards my mother, MLA? Because I never learned to accept it. Strangely enough. As a child I was afraid, of course, but I was a rather rebellious teen. 😉
      My mother never complained, but obviously she was a narc, too. She never shouted back at my father, but she took it out on us children.

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  8. This is exactly how my husband was. He would belittle me and make me cry then sit happily at defeating me. Then he would say I was cheating on him and that I was a slut. Worst of all he would initiate sex and it was just the basic sex to show that he was in charge. There was no love or even eye contact during it. Then he was going around telling people I was disgusting and that I would beg for it. He would say that I was a disgusting pig and I fucked everything I touched. He insulted me in front of my kids and I was just a shell of a person by that point. He would tell me he had better lovers and often talk about his past ex lovers. Yet he said I was bad and that I was a slut? If that were true don’t you think I would have been better than his exes? If I had another person in my life why would I have even stayed? His response was because he was loyal and I knew that. I think he was more into my kids than me now that I look back. He would always be fixated on them. I thought he was just trying to be a good stepdad, but he would say some creepy things. Our child we share I worry about the most because he has now discarded me and fixated on her. He would accuse me of being jealous of our daughter but I love my child so much. He won’t do anything for her unless it involves him looking good or feeling good. I think he is a sick monster and was trying to groom her while making me seem crazy and voicing my thoughts about him. Was i wrong to think this way?

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  9. Mona,

    It might actually not be someone literally yelling all this or even yelling at all. I think, correct me if I am wrong HG, the point was to demonstrate a HUGE library of abuse, however delivered, that is used and drawn on for a response to something so benign as how you may want your food. The Narc did most of his ‘tirades’ in text. Topped off by my visit to him where there was an extreme verbal and emotional assault. Its the juxtaposition of extreme responses to nothing … showing even more clearly, that all that guilt we took on, the shame, the self-esteem damage was so hard to see against a sea of extreme reaction. And totally wrong that we did this.

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  10. omg… I couldn’t breathe. .. set my panic attack off…
    my heart breakes because it sounds familiar and real and reminds me of so much…

    may I ask…is this a dialogue You used to go through with your Matrinarc as a child, my dear G.? ❤

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  11. Yup. Heard this over a broken egg yolk once. Another time he couldnt find something so the tirade, and he was gearing up to hit her. This is where I come in.
    Me: I did it
    Him: (turning to me in and in the most sarcastic tone) Well I might have guessed that. (Now focused on me). And what gives you the fkg right to touch my stuff? You own nothing and you wouldnt have a roof over your head if it wasnt for me. (Points back at her while staring intently at me. She is frozen and mute) Do you think SHE could provide anything for you? She was a nothing little sl*t when I met her. Could barely feed herself. But I felt sorry for her. And you…….
    Me: I was cleaning up. You are having people for the bbq on the weekend and I wanted to make the house nice so they can see how hard you work and what you provide for us. I’ll find it for you. It was me and I’ll make it right. (Smiling now) Will you make ribs for the bbq? (He loved to cook for other people to gain praise) Everyone says you make the best ribs. You can teach me (I hated that but he loved lording over anyone and thinking he was teaching the stupid)
    Him: (thinking) Yes I think I will. The bbq needs cleaned so get to that as soon as you find that —(i think it was a license renewal form but a piece of paper in any case) and dont move my stuff again without asking me first!
    He went into the livingroom, she moved silently to another room out of view, and I fetched his recipe books which always put him in a good mood.
    Just another day.

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  12. Oh my, the reality of hell over marmalade, however it isn’t really about marmalade, it’s about control & smug enjoyment narcissist gets from doing this & additional fuel from our reaction. I find that you can’t predict or avoid the tirades. There’s no logical pattern. It’s all based on their fickle moods. I’m always left in shock & dismay of what the hell just happened. The last time I was so caught off guard I couldn’t contain my shock/hurt from personal attack (that was unprovoked & I still don’t know why/what caused it), that a single damn tear escaped & narcissist told me to knock it off with my bs & quit acting like a baby. I do find myself becoming empty inside, fighting rage of the injustice of his tirades/personal attacks, repressing all emotions because even the betrayal of a single tear provides ample fuel that the narcissist relishes gleefully, I’m well aware/educated of the beast & what he does, but yet I stay & choose to continue the dance of insanity at my expense. Why, I do not really know, it isn’t a love thing it never has been. It’s actually easy not to love something that is incapable to love you back. Obviously it’s a codependency issue and/or issues from my childhood. Regardless, I know it’s unhealthy & detrimental to my being yet I don’t leave. I don’t blame the narcissist, I have a choice. I’m no better than drug user addicted to a narc. Yet I do everything in my power to help/educate others to stay away from & get away from narcissists. However I stay, I suppose I’m a self destructive hypocrite.

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  13. Brandi:
    You will leave one day. I guarantee it. You just haven’t found the strength yet. You will leave by your choice, or in a coffin, or you will become an empty shell of a human being, feeling nothing, not even your rage, no more tears. Nothing. See, that is also a way of leaving, out of checking out of the life you were given. You just have to chose which way you really want to leave. But one day, you will leave for good.

    When you stop fighting the rage you feel and allow that rage to propel you away, use that as your own FUEL, you will leave. The rage won’t stop right away though. I am going through it right now. He is not in my life anymore and he hasn’t been for a long time, but I am filled with the rage that he continues to get away with it and he suffered no real consequences. Except, the self-medicating thoughts that he will never experience love, peace, acceptance, kindness, warmth and growth. He is who he was 30 years ago. How many years do you want to go?

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    1. Well said & I realize how right you are. I was unknowingly with a narcissist prior to him & away from all narcissist for 2 years, so I knew EXACTLY what I was engaging with this time. In the beginning it was a challenge or a way to regain myself, almost like I wanted learn how to be like them, how much better life would be not to care or feel pain like we do, & I thought if I’m with N I can’t get hurt cuz I don’t love him (LOL! naive cuz hurt can be caused so many other ways as narcissist will happily inflict), however somehow insidiously I got caught up in the game & addicted to the whatever it is. Sadly I cannot become like them, anymore than they can be like us. I’ve walked away many times, & I can already tell I’m once again getting fed up & tired of all the ridiculousness again and will be walking again soon. Narcissist are truly exhausting. He is ALWAYS triangulating & he’ll accidentally on purpose leave an opening for me to discover his transgressions & I’ll walk. Each time it gets easier & I actually no longer get upset, or even try to explain myself & I just walk away. I block him from all ways of communication & NEVER respond. I can no contact like a boss. However I’m not quite there with when he stalks & shows up at my place (I do avoid being home, don’t turn lights on if home, leave packages outside my door like I haven’t been home, spoke with police but can’t prove threat (even when voice mail full with msgs to stop my bs & I’ll be punished etc.), I stay at friends, or park blocks away, (so much useless effort I try) but narcs can be very persistent & much better at the game, so I shamefully get sucked into the cycle again. I foolishly believe since he waits to longer & longer to stalk me that he too will eventually get tired of this bs & discard me for good. But based on what HG writes, I’m obviously silly to think that. I don’t know why I leave it up to him, perhaps it’s because I think that’s the only way to truly be free from him. Perhaps I have let the brainwashing overtake my reality of choice. One day I will leave for good. I will feel so free & light & wonder why I ever wasted any of my precious life being suffocated by the heavy burden of being with a narcissist.

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  14. Today is Day One. Yes. And it won’t change much cause it’s a loong journey.

    I started to have this visual of something. I stepped way outside planet earth. I imagined myself on this planet though. I saw all the oceans, the desserts, forests. I saw all the mystery of this beautiful planet. I saw how much there was to explore, to know, to experience. I saw it like some Sci Fi movie. I saw places I have never been, things I never experienced.

    And then I saw him. And I thought, what right does he have, to deny me the right to my life? He does not own my eyes, my ears, my heart, by body. One day, he will die and I will still be here. This is my life. Not his. And he has no right to take away all the beauty and amazement that there is to see on this planet.

    Today is Day One for you. It’s day 45 for me. I am in one of the ‘waves’ right now. I want to attack him verbally and then I remember HG’s posts… all the times he provoked me. How on purpose it all was. How it STILL lingers.

    Day one for you. And I will get to day 46. And I will keep county until his entire existence is not even a memory. And I will see those oceans and desserts and mountains and all the beauty there is in life.

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    1. Visualization great idea. I do think anger can be healthy & helpful when staying away. Everyday away is awesome!

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  15. NarcAngel, you’re such a pro, I could learn so much from you. Since discovering this blog I realize this is how I should react but it’s just too hard for me. All I hear is how wonderful he is, he knows better than anyone else, he’s God, on and on until I want to puke. There’s just no way I want to praise him about anything, even if he deserves it.

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  16. OAKORWILLOW
    I was barely a teen at the time of that incident and it was pure survival. I intervened a lot and I think its important to say here that although a lot of times it was for the others, it was also for my own sanity. They seemed unable to figure out a way to deal with him and I could not take witnessing their abuse, so in that way it was selfish and not altruistic (in case thats what people think Im trying to convey with the examples). I did not want to praise him or even have him breathe air for that matter, but I was trapped and when I had to do things to quell him I was damaging myself because it took everything in me. It just seemed better than his abuse because I was controlling it (in my young mind). There is irreparable damage either way. You either succumb to the abuse and take solace in drugs, alcohol, perpetuate the cycle in your subsequent relationships, or you become like them by having to think like them for so long in order to manage them down if you will. I turned out more like him than the others. To be honest, I despise weakness (due to the inaction of the others), have trouble with authority ( people trying to make me conform are instantly him), and many feelings are numb or not present (in order to be able to function in that environment). This is why I am adamnant that people with children must leave. Making that decision to stay for yourself is one thing, but if you have children your responsibilty is to them first. No excuses. I would carry them on my back to a shelter before I would let someone harm them, and that is coming from someone who has no children and been called selfish and been looked at as suspect for not. My Mother suffers for her inaction now. None of us are close with her. My 2 brothers have nothing to do with her and my sister and I look in on her for only the most basic of needs. She lives in my neighbourhood and I see her maybe 2or 3 times a year out of obligation. I dont know your situation OAKORWILLOW, all I know is that you SHOULD leave for yourself and you MUST leave if you have children. Think on your happiest memory. Now multiply that by 100 and that is how you will feel once free from their oppression. Maybe not right away, and yes you will still have some stuff to deal with, but you can only hear your heart when someone is not crushing it while filling your ears with their own hate and pain. I wish you well.

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  17. hahaha I”m glad I can actually see the humor in this now….its terrible what these demons do to us. I want to go back in time and grab a shovel and just wack him over the head till his brains spill out. This is the worst part.

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