The Parental Hoover

the-parental

 

Whilst many people experience our kind in the context of the romantic relationship, there are also many people whose experience of the narcissistic dynamic arises from their relationship with a parent. Naturally, nobody recognises at first blush that they have a narcissistic parent. When somebody is a child, they have nothing to benchmark it against and invariably it is usually the case that enlightenment only arises once the child has become an adult.

Sometimes it takes that person to become entangled with a narcissist in a romantic relationship before they are awakened to the fact that they have so been entangled. As part of their enlightenment as to the fact that one of our kind ensnared them through the auspices of a romantic relationship, the individual then also realises that one (or possibly both) of their parents is a narcissist. It takes the coupling with a narcissist in a romantic sense to bring about that realisation. For others, it is the comparison between their relationship with that parent and how they see the relationship of their friends with their parents, or the relationship between their significant other (who is not a narcissist) and his or her parents, to cause them to question the behaviour of their parent which eventually takes them along the path to discovery.

For my own part, it was not until I was shown by an ex-girlfriend what I was, that I realised that MatriNarc was also of our brethren. It was an unusual moment. On the one hand I now had a label to apply to myself, courtesy of the non-judgemental observations of that informed girlfriend. I was pleased with this label as it enabled me to understand more about what I was, although it was not something I planned on sharing. Yet, as I understood how my behaviours fitted with the model of behaviour to which she had directed me, I also realised that my mother was similar and thus also was one of us. A different type of narcissist, but one nevertheless. Such a revelation admittedly stunned me but I soon buried such thoughts as they served no purpose. There was no point dwelling on what had occurred in the past, that was redundant and only going to take me to a place that I had long since escaped. Instead, I focused on my new understanding and how I should now apply this knowledge to my advantage. Thus, that is what I did as I began my journey post university, entering the world of work (aside from summer jobs and the like) and continuing to ensnare unwitting victims romantically, socially and even through the merest of interactions.

Through this time I sought to exercise my independence from MatriNaric who of course sought to exert it as often as she could. I attended university, like many, away from the place where I grew up and therefore this represented the first weakening of the control that MatriNarc had exerted over me. Of course, those elongated holidays meant a return to the mother ship and her continuing machinations and it was only when I commenced my first position on the career ladder of my chosen profession and with that came the necessity of being based in a city, that I truly started to pull away from her grip.

As you would expect, she would not allow that grip to be relinquished with ease and so it is with all parental narcissists. Just like the viewpoint of the romantic relationship narcissist, the parental narcissist considers that you, his or her child belongs to him or her until death. Indeed, whilst those in a romantic liaison with us may sever the Formal Relationship this is far less likely where the dynamic is between parent and adult child. The adult child feels a sense of obligation borne out of the familial tie. How often have you said,

“She is my mother, I can’t NOT invite her to the christening.”

“I know she can be a pain, but she is my mother after all.”

“He is bound to cause a scene but he is my father and well, it would just feel wrong if he was not there.”

“It will cause too many questions if my dad doesn’t attend.”

Such is the sense of obligation which is imbued by the familial link. The narcissist knows of this sense of obligation and moreover relies on it. That is why there is no seduction between narcissistic parent and child (leaving aside those arrangements where incest arises, which is not the purpose of this article) because the existing familial connection supplants the need for seduction. The victim is already tied to the narcissist through blood and you are never allowed to forget that fact.

This tight binding of victim to narcissist does not end there. The existence of the other parent (usually not a narcissist) also causes the victim to remain exposed and bound to the narcissistic parent. Perhaps some of these comments will be familiar to you?

“I put up with my dad for my mum’s sake.”

“I feel sorry for my dad having to deal with my mum.”

“I only see my dad because I love my mum and want to spend time with her.”

“I do it for my children so they see their grandfather, otherwise I would not bother with my mum.”

Unlike the romantic coupling where, once you realise that this person is an abuser (if you have not worked out that they are one of us) you may well escape and aside from the usual concerns and vulnerabilities which come with the empathic victim in such an instance, you make good that escape, the familial ensnarement brings with it a collateral consequence; the other parent. Whilst you may consider quite readily abandoning the narcissistic parent, once you have become alive to what he or she is and how this will not change, your planned escape is hampered by the consequential impact on the other parent who is not a narcissist. Like the dedicated platoon which ‘leaves no man behind’, you are also kept in the grip of the narcissistic parent because of your obligations towards your other parent who is not one of our kind. Once again, do not underestimate the narcissist’s knowledge of this sense of obligation. They will be unlikely to realise that they are a narcissist, but they know how to exploit your relationship with the other parent to their advantage.

Whilst devaluation is a frequent occurrence within the dynamic between the parent narcissist and the adult child, discard is fairly rare. The dynamic between parent and child falls into one of three categories:-

 

  1. The adult child is an intimate partner primary source – rare;
  2. The adult child is a non-intimate partner primary source – unusual; or
  3. The adult child is a non-intimate secondary source – common

With most interactions falling into the third category, the adult child will be relied upon as an intermittent, but frequent provider of fuel. The narcissistic parent will also look to gather traits (for instance living through the success of the adult child) and utilise residual benefits (especially as the narcissistic parent ages).

In a non-familial dynamic, the narcissist tends to interact largely with the secondary source victim in benign ways to gain positive fuel, for instance:-

  1. A secondary source who is a friend will be invited to social events and spend time with the narcissist;
  2. A secondary source who is a colleague will also be invited to social events, but will be relied on by virtue of the existing obligation which arises out of the work dynamic;
  3. A secondary source who is also an intimate source will be picked up to use for social events, intimacy, spending time together. For instance, a person the narcissist is having an affair with, a friend with benefits or a dirty little secret.

In those instances the narcissist offers a benign hoover

“Do you fancy going to the pub tonight?”

“I can meet you at the hotel at 3pm this afternoon.”

“I have tickets for that new play, I hope you want to come.”

“I have not seen you in ages, how about lunch?”

“Can we get our heads together to discuss the new project?”

And consequently the victim will almost always respond to this hoover, interact with the narcissist and provide the positive fuel. The narcissist will have a range of secondary sources so the reliance on one particular secondary source is intermittent. This means the positive fuel remains fresh for far, far longer and therefore the golden period can continue for a long time.

With the situation where the narcissist interacts with a familial secondary source, the victim may well be a golden child or a scapegoat. In either instance, the parental narcissist considers there to be an obligation borne out of the familial tie so that the secondary source should not actually need to be hoovered. Since the range of familial secondary sources will be far fewer than secondary sources as a whole, the familial secondary source is EXPECTED to make themselves available for fuel provision et al. Whilst they may no longer live with the parental narcissist this does not matter. The adult child who is a secondary source should attend without prompting to provide fuel to the parental narcissist. For instance, it is expected they will come over for Sunday lunch each week or visit at least once a month for the weekend if they live a distance away. There ought to be weekly, perhaps daily telephone calls/skype/facetime. They expect to be messaged first to be asked how they are, whether they need anything and so forth. If these expected routine events where fuel is provided are not adhered to, then the parental narcissist will deploy a hoover to bring about the interaction and of course the required reaction which provides fuel.

The parental hoover may be benign in nature (which is usually used for the golden child) but also malign. The latter type of hoovers vary to the degree by which malignancy is used. Some may be mild, intending to prick the conscience of the recipient adult child and others especially savage in order to provoke an outraged or alarmed response. The malign parental hoover has one key ingredient ; it invariably causes the child to have to parent the parent. This of course should come as no surprise to the seasoned scholars of the narcissistic dynamic. The parental narcissist remains the vulnerable child which manifests when fuel levels begin to dip and thus the hoover deployed to the adult child is designed to trigger that long-held obligation of the adult child to parent their parent, something they have done for as long as they might care to remember.

It is often the case that a parental narcissist will have given rise to the creation of a child narcissist which in the fullness of time becomes an adult child narcissist. This individual does not escape the demands of the parental narcissist. They still have fuel to provide and most parental narcissists do not know what they are and therefore do not recognise themselves in the adult child narcissist, thus the interaction will continue, often with explosive consequences.

Thus, the parental hoover is a frequently used manipulation which is deployed by the parental narcissist for the purposes of exerting control over the adult child and for the gathering of precious fuel. What do these hoovers look like? There are many of them and here are just a number of examples.

Benign Parental Hoovers

  1. Holding a celebration for the achievements of the golden child;
  2. Wanting the golden child to show what they have done or explain their latest promotion, show their painting etc to both the parents and third parties who have been summoned;
  3. An impromptu BBQ because it is a ‘lovely summer’s day’;
  4. To celebrate the birthday of the golden child;
  5. Wanting to share good news with the golden child;
  6. Seeking the advice of the golden child if they are a specialist in some area – for instance investment advice;
  7. Wanting to effect an introduction to or for the golden child which places the parental narcissist in a good light for being the deal maker;
  8. Identifying a problem and wondering if the golden child might possibly have the time to resolve it for them;
  9. Identifying (or fabricating) a family problem involving triangulation with another relative (usually the scapegoat) and seeking the good office of the golden child to resolve the issue;
  10. Having some spare tickets (which are not spare at all but purposefully bought) which they would like to offer the golden child;
  11. Suggesting a holiday with the golden child

Malign Hoovers

  1. Noting the adult child (“AC”) has not visited and asking when this might happen;
  2. Triangulating the AC with the golden child pointing out how the golden child has visited more often;
  3. Feigning a crisis – the ceiling is leaking, the oven does not work, the neighbours are too noisy and something must be done immediately
  4. Bemoaning the fact nobody comes to see them;
  5. Highlighting how unwell they are;
  6. Pointing out financial difficulties
  7. Disapproving of the AC’s friends, romantic partner
  8. Claiming they never get to see their grandchildren;
  9. Complaining they are only ever used as a child minder for their grandchildren;
  10. Berating the AC for some imagined vice – drugs, drink, gambling etc based on the flimsiest of evidence but declaring that “I only have your best interests at heart”

 

  1. Turning up unannounced and uninvited for the weekend;
  2. Declaring how lonely they are and how “your father never listens”
  3. Moaning about never being able to go anywhere;
  4. Pretending to not understand what a letter means and asking for them to come and help;
  5. Deliberately sabotaging something and using it as a pretext for requiring immediate help and assistance;
  6. Threatening to remove the AC from their will unless they make more of an effort;
  7. Calling early on Christmas Day or their birthday to demand why the AC has not contacted them to wish them Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday;
  8. Frequently referring to the death of people they know and commenting how they won’t be long for this world and then “you will be free of me which is what you want really”.
  9. Throwing in the face of the AC everything they have ever done for the AC from his or her childhood “I wiped your bottom” even though they actually did the bare minimum of parenting;
  10. Utilising frequent sarcasm “I was just calling to let you know I am still alive because after all you have never bothered to call me in three days.”

The adult child is not allowed to lead their own life, to expect the ongoing support of their parent but instead be on call whenever these hoovers are deployed and to respond straight away so that fuel is provided without question or delay.

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54 thoughts on “The Parental Hoover”

  1. Once again, spot on! It was through the healing and learning process from a romantic involvement that I realized my MatriNarc. A product of poverty & abuse her victim role played perfectly through my lifetime. My father & have always been close yet it took a non family who hears her constant complaints to notice the jealousy. It is difficult to not spend time with him yet we have talked and he is seeing the light & supports my NC position. with her. You are helping people. The motivation may be selfish but the help is appreciated none the less.

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  2. My mother, an hour ago, when I explained to her that I won’t be home on my birthday: But I will come visit anyways very soon.
    Don’t get me started …

    HG, very good post. Very accurate.

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  3. lol…very familiar with the malign hoovers. I wonder how the dynamics play out when both parents are Narcs, and how this also plays out between siblings…some of who are Narcs and others empaths who probably end up doormats and Narcs.

    I recognise the malign hoovers from my parents who are both Narcs, and funnily enough, from my entitled siblings too. They treat me just the same as my parents do with their malign hoovers – and feeling that I am obligated to put up with their treatment of me because I am family… I am obligated to them, but they are not obligated to me at all. Take take and take, and never give back…

    I am working on all ends, when I started learning about Narcs, I give my Dad the boot, then my brothers. I thought my mum and sister were my best of friends in the family…

    Oh dear! They are the grandest of Greater Narcs.

    Fooled me. But, am I not working on them using all the knowledge I have gained from Narc blogs. Their hoovers don’t work anymore. I can see through them. They are trying to invent new ones which then help me understand just how twisted they are…

    By going No Contact (maybe Low contact is the correct word) and by not giving in to all their demands and requests these past couple of years, I have come to understand that I actually never needed my family during these hoover machinations. They are the ones that needed my fuel all these time!

    “I have cut off this source of supply, so bleed baby bleed coz NP is not available anymore…even if you drown yourself in the lake. You can shoot yourself in the head for all I know. Call 911. Lol. I am not 911. Period.”

    By using this technique. I am actually receiving less and less phone calls, and texts with requests for this and that. Or texts trying to figure out my schedule so that they can arrange their crisis around my free time. So that I will then have to be available to take care of them. “Won’t work honey. Try harder!”

    I am not availing myself anymore to their manufactured drama.

    NP is done.

    Everybody for himself, God for us all…lol.

    I am ranting.

    I think it’s good for my soul. lol.

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  4. Excellent Work HG.
    As you are aware I have two lovely Narc Parents. You explain the dynamics quite well. I suppose I am the Golden Child as my Brother managed to stay away from them throughout his life. He is quite successful as well and we have been pitted against each other our entire lives. I am struggling with not seeing my Father. He and I have always gotten along despite severe abuse. I share his sociopathic nature and he and I share alot of common interests. He will not hesitate to use me against my mother, brother, son or give me a pity play, projection or any other narc tools from the kit, but I love him. I miss him. I feel about him like I felt about narcissistic ex boyfriends. We have such a love hate relationship that when he was white everything was great, when he is black, well you know. I do not want to engage my mother at all. She keeps trying. Once and a while. But I have had to give up my Father because of her. It is one more piece of happiness she steals from me. Would you take the hit from her if you could be with your Dad? Or do you want to be my replacement Daddy and I can avoid all of them?

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      1. Thanks for responding. Yes, sadly I know your Dad is deceased. I meant hypothetically what if you had to make the decision? I wanted you to advise me please.
        Oh my darling you know how the fuel is.
        A list of my qualities/traits for the file:
        Putting you first. Always.
        Crying uncontrollably.
        Screaming and yelling at you at random.
        Mindreader.
        Sex Goddess. Dirty Whore. Your pick.
        Begger. For you to stop or keep going.
        Intelligent but not as much as you.
        Tenacious. I won’t quit on you.
        Successful. But not to your caliber.
        Loved by everyone or hated, whatever is necessary.
        Lover of Black and White.
        And much much more, daddy💙

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  5. Thank you so much for writing this Mr. Tudor! Most empaths do not realize that the parental Hoover is the toughest hurdle of all.
    I commend you for acknowledging and accepting what your mother is and carrying on. For empathic individuals, we need to mourn this loss. It is crushing to learn as an adult that you were never loved and cherished by a parent. If I may, I recommend reading ‘Will I ever be good enough’ by Karyl McBride. It helps a lot.

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  6. I think I finally get what happened to me. This last one? Was the most brutal, the one that literally woke me up to what had happened in my life; I think he was able to jar me out of the dream, because he actually went back so far IN my life even if there was a 30 year gap between our knowing each other.

    I read once of an NPD survivor who said her therapist said she had taken both her parents, different dynamics and made them one and that is why she sought out and found Narcs. It was a comment that attracted me all the while confusing me.

    Now I get it. What did I do? I merged both parents into one. One with friendly outgoing characteristics with a Narc mother. I resolved the dynamics of my family by trying to find someone who carried both traits. Enter my deep attraction to Cluster B’s.

    Perfect, huh? And add in my own highly intuitive, abstract and extremely vulnerable personality? Bingo. You guys always had me in your scopes. Luckily, the recovery was long between each one, so I didn’t get targeted too much. I was ok being on my own so I wasn’t out back swimming with sharks over and over. I was keenly into healing, so I took alot of time to heal in between. That kept the process from getting too out of control.

    I had to skim how the parent hoovers. I am not the golden. I am both the scapegoat and the lost child. I think my mother used to even call me that, the lost child. Not ready to read more about her just just yet. But I filed away your post in my head to come back to when I can absorb. Thanks.

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  7. Indeed. Sometimes the narcissism can be quite subtle, too, until you look at it closely. Only then is it outrageous.
    My father was a lesser narcissist, but with my mother’s full cooperation and facilitation. It would have been impossible for her not to know how difficult it was for me to achieve anything, what with my dire health problems (now understood as a consequence of earlier parental abuse), and the constant undermining and sabotaging of my self-esteem by my father, who saw himself to be competing with me.
    All of this has been well-communicate, over time, not only on the Internet, but by the forceful spoken word.
    My mother, however, a very benign person in many respects, but certainly a malign person in her either feigned or actual obliviousness, decided to champion my sister’s teenage daughter, suggesting that she was so precocious in the area that I am specialized in, that everyone was automatically giving her money.
    I explained patiently to my mother, what was already obvious from all of her exposure to my life, and all our previous communication, that this had never been my experience that people would automatically give me money. I don’t doubt my level of ability, either.
    This produced a note of petulant indignation in my female parent.
    “Well, you should just tell people of your abilities!” she stated.
    In the past, I didn’t know much about the form of perverted logic narcissists try to get away with, so I would have put down the inability to understand what was so obvious to me as having been the result of cultural differences.
    This time I did something different. “Why don’t you tell everyone of my abilities?” I asked. “Indeed, we could get the whole family involved, telling everyone of my abilities.”
    “Well all your siblings are way too busy and important to do something like that!” she spat.

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  8. It’s like you are writing about my life….and just when I need it! Today she sent me a whole written tirade of how hurt she was that I shared a photo on Facebook of my graduation (7 yrs ago) and she was not in it!!! My in-laws were in it and it’s like I love them more………mmmm I wonder why!?
    I wish you knew how much I appreciate your posts. Your writing is brilliant and your posts are spot on. To say you’ve saved my life sounds exaggerated but you have saved my sanity for sure!

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  9. Jeeessus!I could have sworn you must have been a fly on the wall in our household,Just scary the accuracy of this piece.Malignant Midrange/Greater(still trying to figure this one out) Martrinarc,My completely snowed in dad(suicide) and 3 siblings,2 are deceased(drunk driving and sickness).Story of my miserable upbringing.Keep peeling this humongous onion,HG,its much appreciated from someone in Africa,whose been labelled a rebel,ungrateful,satanist,demon possessed,prodigal son etc by my so called blood mother and her coterie of flying monkeys for standing up for myself and seeing through the layers of lies and deceptions.Thanks again Sir.

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    1. Thank you Ken for sharing. I always enjoy reading about people from different countries or continents. I too felt like a pariah amongst my community.

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      1. I think being from a different culture complicates the dynamics of a narcissistic family even more. There are a lot of expectations on children in my culture. One must respect, honor, and be indebted to their parents (as well as aunts and uncles) for the rest of their life. While I love the tribal mentality, it means you are forever linked to the people you want to run far away from. Going no contact is worse than murder … You will be viewed as selfish and ungrateful. An outcast.

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      2. Hey Love,I do totally get it,And the more I educate myself through these posts the clearer it gets.African culture has been and is the easiest culture to foster these covert monsters,by virtue of being extremely religious,humongous households(relatives,friends,the village)providing copious fuel supplies and triangulation opportunities and vicious smear campaigns, You literally have to cut off almost everyone you knew just to ensure your emotional and psycological survival….a narcs paradise.Most of us grew up on a diet of” honor your father and mother”its the only verse with a promise!!They are spiritual annihilators.

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      3. Thank you Ken. It is like that in my culture too. However, cutting off everyone is very difficult and something I cannot do. We are tribal beings (like pack animals) and thrive off social interactions. We are not meant to be alone. How do you do it?

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      4. Thank you HG,Keep doing God’s work through these posts,though the Irony of it all is Mind boggling!Hey Love,All I can tell you is that when my Dad took his life, something in me snapped,he was the gentlest of souls and I was filled with an anger and a malicious intent to to get back at whatever and whomever had caused this,a feeling that scared me because I had never experienced it my life.In short,he left a cryptic message asking me and my sister to watch out for ourselves as my mum was the enemy within,that was in 2012.Took me 3 yrs to pierce the veil .I’am 11 months NC,and what drives me to this day is unbridled anger and vengefulness at all the carnage around me caused by one living,breathing,imposter,fraudulent con of a woman for over 40yrs of my life.(Hence haven’t yet properly healed my “inner wounds” or whatever).Great thing about my situation, was that I was in a position to do maximum damage to the facade and to cause numerous financial and social damage to her and her coterie before they knew I was onto them.So for me to extract myself from my mum and familiy’s grip was a slash and burn campaign,I ceased looking at her as a human being,all I saw when I looked at her was the death and destruction around me,and her attempts to swivel her big guns my way and elevate me to a primary source.I know this might not work for you,but for me it was a revenge mission.I don’t know what that says about me,but I sleep much better at night now..

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      5. Thank you for sharing Ken. I am happy you have peace and sleep well now. With family, I have the mindset of ‘they know not what they do’. I feel sad for them. They are children, never being able to break the surface. Swimming in the shallow waters. Never evolving and gaining wisdom and depth.
        May your father be at peace now. 💜

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      6. My bad HG,It is no doubt your grand works!!!Hey love I did go through the phase of trying to put myself in their shoes especially my mum,She was my mother and the disbelief was overwhelming and unreal,the realization absolutely twists and turns your mind in crippling ways..I also made all sorts of excuses for her and them and was completely in a state of trying to fix it,them,the situation, everything.The more I tried the worse it got.ASK yourself one question,You only have one life to live,you cant rewind or have a redo with life,how do you want to spend the rest of your life knowing what you know?You are already alone and isolated as it is,why not make the best of it without having to make excuses any more?Its nice you view them that way,but their life goes on unhindered,while you tread water with a millstone around your neck trying to make sense of it,please note they do know exactly what they doing to you.Just know that the moment you slip is the moment they hang you out to dry,and build a bonfire to celebrate your demise.You are in a total war and a battle for your life and niceties,morality,begging,wishing for the best ain’t gonna cut it.Its you or them and as far as am concerned,it doesn’t matter who you are,I’am never going to jump off a cliff for you, period.

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  10. Indeed.
    Guilt tripping/shaming comparisons annoyed more than triangulation. ‘Why can’t you be more like so and so’?,
    ‘For Christmas, so and so’s children bought her… (goes on to list countless ostentatious tokens of love and appreciation, while her disappointing gifts are a clear measurement of gratitude).
    ‘Depressed? What have you got to feel depressed about? How do you think it was for me when’…(back to her).

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  11. OMG. The 20 malign hoovers – my father does and says every single one. I almost crashed the car when you mentioned the will. OMG. Things are so much clearer now thanks to you – how we (my brothers and sisters) all ended up as we all did – saved only I believe by a TRULY loving mother, who had no means of escape back in the day and went to her grave never really knowing the truth, other than he was ‘evil.’
    Thank so very much for sharing your knowledge. I feel I can move forward a little.
    My father speaks of regret but I believe it to be only pity for himself as he nears the end of his life. But still, I feel for him (and for all your kind) despite the terror he inflicted on us – as he was abandoned as a child himself and had an absolutely dreadful upbringing.
    Thank you so very much.
    The will – ffs HG. Ya gotta laugh at some of it. 😆 Xx

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  12. HG. You write that you had no label to place on the actions of you or MatriNarc before your ex pointed it out. What did you think you were before ex pointed it out? Same applies to MatriNarc. Her behavior wasn’t and isn’t that of a loving parent. What did you think when you went to a friend’s house and saw a non abusive relationship? Did anyone of them say, “HG, something’s not right with how she treats you?”

    I remember one Halloween, I spent the night at a classmate’s house. I overheard her telling her mom that mine was like the stepmother and she treated me like Cinderella and my sister like one of the step sisters. I was 10…lol. It is mortifying when a kid can figure it out. I’m not callin mom a narc. Just relaying what happened. Plenty more.

    Do you still keep contact with the ex who pointed it out? Did she let you know after the laundry cycle of the narcisstic relationship ended?

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    1. Special and different.

      I thought MatriNarc was nasty, a control freak but also powerful.

      MatriNarc turned on the charm with other people of course so they saw nothing untoward. When I went to a friend’s house I did notice the difference in the way they were treated by their parents but assumed that it was because I was there (since MatriNarc similarly usually rolled out a façade when third parties were in attendance)

      Yes I have had occasional contact with the ex.

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  13. Thank you, HG, for this one. Meanwhile I read a lot of books about narcissistic parents and I do understand what happened to me. Your lines remembered me of the worst and most sad day of my life, it was the day, when I discovered, that my mother is a narcissist.
    After being devalued and discarded by my personal devil I came home and cried. I told my mother, that he discarded me in a very evil way and I do not want to live any further like that. I said that I do not want to live at all. First she looked at me in a strange way, then her eyes turned inside and then she said: “We can talk about it after my favorite program. So, please come back later.” Then the telephone rang and she talked to a relative about the weather and was laughing and joking and obviously she had fun.
    That was the moment, I realized that all her talking to me about how much she loves me, all her talking about how much she cares about me, was a lie. She never loved me, not for a moment. My whole world was a life lie. All the years I cared for her, thought she was weak, she needed help, all the years I defended her against relatives and against my father, all the years passed by in my mind. I will never forget that.
    More than 45 years I lived a lie. I broke down. That was the worst moment in my life.
    Now, she does not understand, why I do not care about her health, do not care about her birthday and will not care, when she needs home care. She is still of the opinion, that she did nothing wrong.
    And I know, that she was full of envy and jealousy, because I showed her, that I loved somebody else. I have to love her and no one else. That is her right. She made me and I have to obey.

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  14. had a interesting story relayed to me from my 7 year old smart daughter abt her narc father (my ex)….
    she said her dad said her and her sister could play in the older sisters (his daughter from 1st marriage) special box that contained stuffed animals. my daughter “A” protested saying that was older sister “K” special box. dad then said it was ok, he gave them permission. when older sister “K” came home she was infuriated bc someone had gone through her special box and made a mess of her things. she complained to her father at which point instead of owning up to the fact he gave permission for that to happen, threw his little girls under the bus and yelled at the little sisters for going through older sisters special box. my daughter “A” tried to protest with the truth but was silenced at the threat of fury…which they know all to well and so their voice is often silenced as the lesser of the 2 evils….( but the 2nd evil inevitably comes anyway….)
    and so she relayed this story to me…..confused but not so shocked at her dads unjust behaviour as they see it frequently…..she looked to me for support. i just said that may happen from time to time..you have to really think with your dad bc he is prone to set you up to get you in trouble. she gets that bc she and all my kids have witnessed that behavior against me by their dad countless times….
    i suggested next time just say, no thank you dad…that’s “K” stuff…ill wait to ask her when she gets home.
    lesson learned…coping skill to add to her arsenal for survival.

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  15. Half a year later, I started to talk about it to my relatives (behind the back of my mother). I did not tell them all, but I let them know, that I wanted to sell my flat and leave. They should not try to convince me to stay because of the age of my mother. I told it only two persons whom I appreciate and asked them to defend me against flying monkeys. They should only say: “She has reasons to go.” I know that there opinion is appreciated by the whole family. I was so surprised that they believed me at once. It was very hard to do for me, because I never manipulated in that way before and I do not like it. I do not talk behind the back of another one. It is not my style. But manipulating people need to be manipulated too. And I know I have the support of some relatives. No chance for flying monkeys. I did not know that I have so much power and influence. And I was so happy, that someone believed me. Nearly all my life I heard: “You can be happy. You have such a lovely mother.”

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    1. At times the only way to beat them out of their game is to use the same tricks on them…for a good course. I am sure if you told her you wanted to move…she would have gone ballistic…lol! UNGRATEFUL CHILD!

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  16. My head hurts. I know what StepN was but I still dont know what my Mother is. I have heard and experienced many of the things mentioned above from her though. Also dont know what I was considered by either of them but I used to get the idea that my Mother was not enough challenge for him and I was. I always thought he wanted to break me. I did not provide the emotions (fear, crying etc). That was all her. Whatever. Were all f**cked as far as I can see and maybe thats label enough cause whats the point of knowing if you cant change it. Sigh. Im tired of it all.

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      1. HI LOVE
        My dark side is out today and I was at saturation. Where is our activist? She didn’t get pepper sprayed did she?

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      2. The protests were bad last Friday night. A lot of vandalism and violence across the country. From what I saw on tv, the women’s march was fairly civil in all cities.

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      3. LOVE
        Thats too bad. Not that Im shy about voicing my view, but when you set the place on fire its hard to hear the message.

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      4. Lol oops, I bought a book on English slangs and didn’t look at the release date. Lol guess it was published in the 1950s.

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      5. LOVE
        No sweat. Youre a cool chick and I think its swell youre hip to the jive. INDY could have used you there to keep your pretty peepers peeled for the fuzz or heat. Pop into some comfy threads and drop over to my pad later cause I gotta split. You dig?

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      6. LMAO NarcAngel 😂 I had use my English slang dictionary to respond.
        I dig daddio.
        Sorry there was no female version of that word.

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  17. OMG! It is so scary to read the synchronicity between my life and the article. Thank you for posting this. Now the only thing is, what solutions is available to deal with hovering parents? In my culture our obligation is called “utang ng loob” (debit of reciprocity) and my brother is using that as an excuse provide fuel and to enable the narcissist. That filipino term, is what a lot of parents use to make the “AC” feel obligated to step up to every beckon call…

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  18. Hi HG, I had a N father and an enabler mother..well, until I was discarded because I could no longer be controlled. My paternal grandmother was also N. I have read that N can be caused by abuse and trauma, but also idolization. My father was golden child and never learned accountability. I think he may be a lesser, but see mid-range characteristics as well. Have you had experience with MNs that were “created” under these circumstances and what is your opinion on if/how they differ?

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    1. I don’t see it as the creation that necessarily impacts on the school, but existing factors as to cognitive ability impact on the schools.

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  19. Reading through posts for the quiz answers and ca me upin this one. …..if this post is accurate,,,I have a narc parent and just now realized it. I’m not sure what to think. Surely that can’t be right. But I thought I was just trying to be a good daughter. I can’t read anymore right now.

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  20. Wow! HG just found this. Excellent read and resonated. Thank you very very much. I have realised now that it was THEM not me. Removino toxicity from your life makes for a beautiful life. Have a good day, because I know I am. 😃

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  21. This is spot on. My mother, and father who is under her thumb, would totally ignore any accomplishments I made, but glorify my brother’s. It used to hurt a lot. Now, I live across country and the hoovering is unstoppable. I tell her nothing. I do the bare minimum. I don’t care anymore. Go ahead, take me out of the will. Then she complains that my brother doesn’t give a flip about her. I wonder why? He’s busy hoovering his own kids. Sometimes I think you exaggerate, but here you are batting 1,000.

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