I Remember

i-remember 

The chime of my ‘phone alerted me to the arrival of a text. There was nothing unusual in that. Scores arrive daily and this rises to beyond a hundred and more when the glorious seduction has commenced of a fresh, prime target. I looked over with half-interest to my ‘phone and see a name which attracted a greater level of interest. It is from Jane. An ex. One of the many exes. I stopped what I was doing and reached for my ‘phone and opened up the message.

“It would be 2 years today x”

A flame rose inside of me at this sudden provision of fuel. Even better it was unsolicited. Goodness me, would it have been two years? How time flies. The power flowed, generated by this welcome dollop of fuel. Dear Jane, always the one for remembering dates. She sent me a card and a gift to mark 1 month together. She pole-danced for me to commemorate one month since we first had sex (no the pole-dance and the card and gift were on different dates, just in case you were wondering. I am a gentleman after all). She sent a card to remind me that is was three months since our first kiss, a month since I first stayed overnight at her house, six months since we first set eyes on another. I used to call her the Chronicler for her ability to remember the anniversary of certain key moments in our relationship. At first I was suitable impressed by her memory and power of recall but then I realised that she had assistance. On one particular occasion I was having a good look around her house whilst she was out, opening draws, cupboards and so on in order to learn more about this enticing individual who I had seduced and in the process of this trawl I found a diary. At the rear she had a list of key moments in our relationship with the date written next to it. First date, first kiss, first time we had sex, first time pet name was used, first weekend away, first “I love you” and so on. Each milestone, from the trivial to the fundamental had been carefully written in her neat hand-writing (she always wrote with a Mont Blanc fountain pen – something which I liked until I decided to bend the nib one day after she accused me of forgetting her mother’s birthday. I didn’t forget. I deliberately did not remember). Each moment, each occasion had been carefully committed to the rear of this diary and beside it the date inserted as well. I was impressed and as I sat reading it, I felt the fuel of her dedication and admiration pouring over me. She was not there to do it but I knew from reading those neat entries just how much we meant to her, just how important I was and the fuel flowed. I remember sitting on her bed clasping the leather bound diary and realising that Jane was meeting my expectations and that I had such high hopes for her. The reminders and commemorations kept coming. She never forgot anything. Naturally the more traditional anniversaries – birthdays, Christmas and so forth were addressed and not only for me, but close friends, family and even Matrinarc.

Of course this slavish devotion to the recollection of events could not go unused by me. When she fell from grace and her denigration and devaluation began I would always send her a reminder written in black ink (using a superior Mont Blanc fountain pen) on a crisp piece of thick white paper inserted into a stylish small envelope. I would leave these reminders on her pillow, on her car seat, under her windscreen wiper, in her bag, on her laptop and so forth.

–         1 week since I last spoke to you –

–         2 months since our first argument –

–         5 days since I rang you –

–         A month since we last made love –

–         A week since the last silent treatment –

–         Three months since I took you anywhere

I have no idea if the timing was entirely correct with some of them, it was the effects I was after. Sometimes she would telephone me and question why I had one this. If it was during a silent treatment I said nothing but listened, allowing her strained tones to fuel me. Other times I would just stare at her and then snarl an insult, causing her to jump and her fearful look would naturally provide me with further fuel. On other occasions she did not manage to contact me but it did not matter because I knew how she would be responding as I used the very thing she liked to engage as an endearing gesture from her to me in our relationship, against her. We like to take the wonderful and then batter it, rust it, twist it and warp it so it resembles something else entirely and this act of defiling is powerful indeed in its effect.

Soon I accelerated their use at one stage having them delivered through her door on a daily basis.

–         One day since I realised I hate you –

–         Two days since I realised I hate you –

–         Three days since I realised I hate you –

–         Four days since I realised I hate you –

–         Five days since I realised I hate you

–         Six days since I realised I hate you –

–         Seven days since I realised I hate you –

–         Eight days since I realised I hate you –

–         Nine days since I realised I hate you –

–         Ten days since I realised I hate you –

–         I don’t hate you. I love you –

That last note was a highly effective respite hoover which had her call me straight away and I answered straight away and her sobbed relief poured over me with such potency, marvellous fuel that it was. Once again by using the very tool she deployed in our relationship I was able to bend it and her to my will.

Eventually she was cast aside, the new prospect of Andrea having come into my sights and dear Jane was removed, not even afforded the courtesy of being a memory. That is until that text message arrived.

A foolish move on her part to reach out to me in this way but having received the text, I knew that it was inevitable she would have done it and indeed I know that when it is 3 years, 5 years or 10 years she will keep sending these reminders. Her memory had been conditioned this way. Notwithstanding the pain it will invariably cause her she wanted me to know that she remembered still. The addition of a single ‘x’ was the green light which told me that my follow-up hoover (of course there would be one) will succeed and she would respond to it. Dangerous to apply those kisses. She had entered my sphere of influence. I did not want her back, I was busy with Andrea and that seduction, but this reminder told me that there was fuel just waiting to be collected. All I had to decide was how I was going to go about. There was no need to be malign about it, a benign follow-up hoover would work but in what form and for how long? That was what then occupied my mind as once again I remembered dear Jane and her delicious fuel. So good of her to remind me.

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42 thoughts on “I Remember”

  1. I am so grateful to you HG. You have been the insight needed to heal. You were a guiding voice when i couldn’t see, and would have denied it all without being able to understand the mechanics behind this behaviour. That you know understanding the how and why is the only way to get past the excuses we make is why i am so grateful. You made a choice to go deep and honest, and though i understand you have your own reasons, it is a choice i am glad you have made.

  2. While I cannot speak for HG’s Jane, I can speak for myself & many like me where dates are a ‘conditioning.’ I am aware of it & that I created it. It is common & normal in bereaved parents. When you have a child die, in my case premature triplets, dates become a way of remembering what could have been & reminder of a part of your life that will be forever missing. We don’t get to see them grow up, do all the ‘firsts’, go to school, get married, make us grandparents etc. etc. Birth/death dates, due dates are usually significant & part of our grief. They are a part of who we are & will always be there hence the conditioning. Sometimes it’s healthy, sometimes it’s not but it is what it is for us. (Sadly, exN’s birthday was also their due date.)
    ExN obviously used this against me, even over seduction weekend he played a cd repeatedly that contained their funeral song even though I’d never told him what it was. It was one of those most commonly used so I guess he was testing me & going with the most likely. I never said anything, I was uncomfortable & now I know it was deliberate. 💔 However nothing he has done to me is more painful than holding your own children in your arms, watching them fight for life while they are dying, feeling helpless, worthless & responsible, until they breathe their laboured last.
    Yep, so it’s that masochistic guilt that obviously doesn’t serve me I need to let go of. Lesson learnt. Again.
    Thankyou BE for the quote.

  3. One day since I realised I hate you –

    – Two days since I realised I hate you –

    – Three days since I realised I hate you –

    – Four days since I realised I hate you –

    – Five days since I realised I hate you

    – Six days since I realised I hate you –

    – Seven days since I realised I hate you –

    – Eight days since I realised I hate you –

    – Nine days since I realised I hate you –

    – Ten days since I realised I hate you –

    Two years. A smear campaign, stalking, and triangulation . I won by saying nothing at all . ” see my smug face 🙂 TY HG .

  4. I love this piece.

    In this instance, Jane has no one to blame but herself for whatever comes next.

    This makes me think of HG’s question about being a victim or a volunteer. In this case, Jane is most certainly a volunteer. No doubt HG put her through the wringer and yet there she is, reaching out to him, like a good little empath.

    You can only be a victim once. More than once, and you are most certainly a volunteer.

      1. The whole obsessively keeping track of everything?

        Nope – still have no idea why, after your terrible treatment of her, she would even consider it.

        What am I missing? Perhaps I am not the empath I thought I was!

      2. Ok – thanks for the answer – I guess the conditioning is not really something I can understand either. Although I guess if you have been conditioned, you don’t know you’ve been conditioned. Hmmm…

      3. I understand exactly why she messaged him. She is incapable of letting go. Many cannot, simply will not, no matter how poorly they were treated.

        Even though she is conditioned to be this way, she no doubt knows reaching out is probably not the best idea. But she will anyway.

        Gluttons for punishment – cannot live with them (for very long) but cannot live without them.

      1. HG`s last line reminds me of Gabriel`s monologue to John Constantine in the movie Constantine and is quite apt:

        `If sweet, sweet God loves you so, then I will make you worthy of His love. I’ve been watching for a long time. It’s only in the face of horror that you truly find your nobler selves. And you can be so noble. So, I’ll bring you pain, I’ll bring you horror, so that you may rise above it. So that those of you who survive this reign of hell on earth will be worthy of God’s love.`

        My sentiments exactly.

      2. Doesn’t beast mean an animal? Wouldn’t beastly be an adjective describing an animal?
        In slang, a beast is being very powerful or great at something.

    1. I am wondering where on this blog he claims otherwise? (apart from the cretin bit – show some class) We all know we are dealing with the devil. You should try reading Fuel.

      1. Well I assumed you had….but I don’t understand why people must attack HG. Don’t misunderstand me – I am not defending him – he needs no-one for that – it just feels like you’ve gone to see some sharks and then accused them of being sharky. Or you’ve had a cup of coffee then accused of being like coffee. (I’m using a royal you here)

        I just don’t see why people are surprised & shocked.

      2. To be honest, this post of HG’s hit me particularly hard. There’s being a narc then there’s being extremely cruel. Nothing much that HG posts generally shocks me after being married to someone just like him, but I don’t even recall my ex husband being that cruel.

  5. Yep, he picked me for remembering dates. Harpoon shot? Mother’s Day. Last time together/beginning of devaluation & gaslighting?September 11. The ‘Mirror’ text? Eve of my birthday that he then ‘forgot.’ Discard day? AFL Grand Final Day. Others in between. He doesn’t know some of those dates actually have other significance for me, how would he, he never asked. Not sure what I’ll be thinking of when those dates come by again. Have to wait & see. Man this guy hates me? or was he making sure I knew what he was because he knows I won’t give up on him? 😕 Wonder if I could expect any reminders from him when the dates come by again or whether the thought fuel for him would be enough.
    HG, my exN also has an eating disorder which I believe to be common among your kind. Is this a topic you have an opinion on or would cover? Thankyou. (Ironically, I suffered the same one for 20 years but recovered from long ago. I entrusted him with that info then he used it in the smear.😞)

  6. Hello, HG. Hope you are enjoying your weekend. I believe in one of your articles on hoovers or answers to questions , you indicated that while you are in the seduction/golden period with the new replacement, the discarded partner would only get malign hoovers. However, if the devaluation has commenced, the hoover will be benign. Here, you are saying you are still busy with the seduction of Andrea, Jane’s predecessor but the hoover you are contemplating with Jane is benign. Seems there’s a contradiction here. Your comments? Thank you!

    1. IL, it is usually the case that whilst we are seducing the new primary source, if the old primary source keeps contacting us then we will rebuff them politely at first and if they keep getting in touch then the response will be malign. This is done to keep them away because of a concert they may foul up the ongoing seduction. In this instance I saw no risk that Jane would cause a problem with the seduction and also as I wrote I gave consideration to how it might be done and for how long. A message in return would suffice to be benign without causing any complication – as I pointed out I did not want her back and I regarded her as NISS, who, knowing what she is like, I knew would not cause me any problems.

  7. What if you would receive such messages post discard? “1 day since i realized I hate…10..i don’t hate you, i love you”. How woul you react? 🙂

  8. Let’s say you make the follow up Hoover and Jane has the strength not to respond, will it wound you at all?

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