The Post Discard Battle – Part Three

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When you have been discarded, you face three battles in order to secure your freedom. The first is the Emotional Battle which you always lose until you learn not fight it. The second is the Heart V Head Battle which must be fought many times until you finally overcome the powerful effects of emotion and allow your cool, hard logic to dictate. Once that battle has been won, you have managed to navigate a way through the emotional ocean and then you have reached dry land on the other side. This is where the third battle is joined. This dry land provides you with a firmer foundation and just like the discovery of the New World, boundless opportunities. You are no longer prone to the vagaries of the swelling and dramatic ocean of emotions. That is not to say that your emotions have been switched off. Far from it. Instead, the solidity of this land is a reflection of the greater control you now have over your emotions as you ally them with the logic that you have regained. No longer do you feel overwhelmed. You are not beset by anxiety. Fear does not maintain a near permanent grip on your stomach. You were repeatedly drowned as you tried to swim the emotional ocean alone in the first battle. You saw yourself swamped and capsized on numerous occasions as reach time you increased your intellect and understanding as you built larger and more seaworthy vessels until finally you navigated your war through that broiling sea of feelings and now you stand on firm, dry and solid land. Your critical thinking has increased, your sense of calm has bloomed and you have gained greater control.

     You stand before a land of opportunities and this is where you are now able to make the decisions. In the previous two battles you were overwhelmed and then often on the back foot. Here, in this final battle, you have the opportunity to seize and maintain the upper hand. You have so many choices available to you now.

     You may decide to build a large tower and secrete yourself inside. You have the sturdy foundation now on which to construct this edifice. You are safe and secure high up in this tower. You admit visitors but only those that you know can be trusted. Occasionally you hear a knock in the dead of night. You make your way to the balcony and look down from your towering height to see us stood outside knocking on the door and seeking admittance. You may feel the surge of those emotions once more but you have greater control now. You may call out and wave, issuing a polite greeting and no more. You may decide just to turn around and leave us to our ineffectual knocking. Either way in this battle you have seized control and you are far better equipped to make rational decisions which suit you and prevent you from being wholly governed by those turbulent emotions.

     You may decide to forge ahead and seek out new adventures in this land. You meet new people and form fresh and lasting friendships, perhaps even finding someone with whom you can share intimacy and romance. As you trek through this land, gathering new friends and revisiting those who were conned into severing the ties with you, you remain vigilant for out of nowhere we might appear. We might strike, lurching through a crowd hurling insults. You are better armed this time and able to shield yourself before moving away, refusing to be drawn into responding and a war of words like you once might have done. It may be the case, as you embrace these new horizons that we appear, smiling and benign, sidling up to you and taking you by surprise. The risk always remains, for if you are abroad within this new land, you cannot place yourself behind sturdy defences. Thus, you remain exposed to ambush and approach. You remain better equipped than you were, as a consequence of your gathered learning, your increased understanding and ongoing recovery. You are in a better position to rebuff the ambush, refusing to engage and making your departure to safer ground. Sometimes you may be caught and those emotions wash about you as we try to haul you back across the sea to a time when you were alone and going under the lashing waves. This risk always remains.

     You may opt to establish an estate where you do not take refuge in some tower, but instead you create a place of familiarity where everyone is known to you and you are known to them. You have your supporters in clear view and whilst you may not tread down the path less travelled in search of new territories you reduce your risk of us appearing out of nowhere. These familiar places enable you to maintain clear lines of sight so that if we do make an appearance you are able to take suitable evasive action.

     This final battle takes the form of repeated skirmishes as we seek to catch you unawares and drag you back to an earlier battle where our prospects of success are maximised. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes one of our devious ploys catches you unaware and we scale your tower and appear on your balcony like that once desired Prince Charming again and your defences are breached. Other times you repel our approaches, turning your back or cutting us down with new learned techniques which force us to withdraw. You may see no action for weeks, months and even years as new reaches you that we are fighting on other fronts, seemingly content to leave you be. At least for the time being. Then out of nowhere you may reduce your vigilance and we are by your side, seeking to snake our tendrils around you once again. In this final battle you now know what to look for. When we march on to the battle field you see and take heed of the red flags which stream behind us. You have learned methods by which you can counter and neutralise our manipulations. You have established safe territories to which you might retreat if the need arises. You have fashioned your own armoury in this new land of hope and promise. You now know how you can wound us and now, exerting greater control, you do so which gives us no option but to disengage from the skirmish and skulk away to lick our wounds and regroup.

This final battle takes place in a land where the battlefield, for the first time, is more of your choosing than ours. You have better equipped to fight this battle and whilst there remains a risk of defeat and you being ensnared once again, it is far less than in the previous two battles. You are battle-hardened and those scars are worn as badges of honour as you stand tall for the first time in, well, you cannot recall when that last happened, but it has happened at last.

     Thus, this is the final battle post discard. The battle that takes place on dry land. Should you overcome the first two battles, this is where you will find yourself. Now you understand where you will end up as you deal with the fallout from being discarded. Now you are aware of what will happen, what to expect and how you are in a better position to keep winning the skirmishes in this final battle. This only leaves one question remaining. How long will this final battle last?

It will continue until one of us no longer lives.

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34 thoughts on “The Post Discard Battle – Part Three”

  1. I am here now. I am trying to decide, I abandon all social media he had me blocked on. See, I learned I could deeply wound him and drive his behavior. I start the dreaded facebook again so I can keep in contact with my friends in my real life. I refriend only a very, very select few that know him (sadly) but only ones who know him for the loser he is and abuser he is. I take away all power for him to think he controls this last bit. I never friend him. I never, ever text him on this new account, never give him power to accept my message or not. I start over. Maybe he will see an occasional random post of mine, it will be the equivalent of my friendly wave, but everything will be privateotherwise . But he will never reach out, he was too ‘wounded’ and way too of a lesser to risk that again. I get my old local friends back but now only a very very tiny select group. And he no longer controls me that way. He will be faced with the reminder of me, feel my completely ignoring him at last, and he will never dare to reach out. Would he be neutralized at last? Or better to just disappear forever. What would bug you the most to know I reached dry land at last? Or is all that still playing the insidious game that never ends? Better to just stay far far away…?

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  2. I disagree. What you describe is like a game of tug-of-war. It will continue on and on, exhausting us as we win a little, lose a little. Yet no progress is made.

    But what if we choose to drop the rope? Drop it and walk away and never look back.

    Move on merrily to new fuel, why don’t you? That will make everyone happy. But you’ll never win with people who don’t care anymore.

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      1. Thank you, Flick. Of course I forgot to add, when we drop the rope, he’ll fall backwards onto his bum!

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    1. Sunshine: But oh the irony… the narc added more discards to the discards and devalues loudly claiming “I don’t care anymore” to which I said, that’s the bottom line isn’t it, you never did.

      Who really stops caring first? The narc needing the fuel, that’s not caring, but he thought it was.

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      1. Sarabella, I think the secret is not to give a stuff about any of it, or anything they say. When you drop the rope and walk away, don’t look back. Don’t listen. Just ignore. Don’t react to anything. Fake it until you make it. Your feelings will eventually follow your thoughts. Fill your time and your days and your life with lovely things and people.

        And if you can’t ignore them completely (if you’ve got children):- grey rock. Go grey rock all the way. Be monosyllabic, communication only over email. Challenge yourself to write in as few words as possible, and as dull and boring as possible. Grey rock is all about pretending you’re dull and boring and can offer no supply, so the narc moves on.

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      1. Fake it until you make it, Kit. Pain doesn’t last forever. Nor does a toxic love when you go no contact.

        No contact.

        No contact.

        No contact.

        And on and on,

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      2. Much easier said than done I agree. Easy to say leave them to their own misery but not easy advice to follow

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  3. The last sentence regarding it lasting until one of us is no longer living. Wow! My ex narc husband will not speak to me so I’m dead to him

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  4. Amazing how you can see things so clearly from a perspective that is emotionally alien to you!

    As soon as you reach dry land, you build the tower, and no one is allowed in. You need this time for yourself to rest, to heal, to gain strength.

    As time passes, you realise that you went from one prison (built by the narc) to another (built by yourself)… you peek outside, anxiety is washing over you… then you take short walks, not going very far… no harm comes your way, you are gaining confidence… in a giant leap of faith, you finally leave the tower… you are vigilant but not scared, prepared for a fight if necessary but not wasting your time or energy with those you can avoid… peace and hope have returned to your life 🙂

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  5. I really had no idea as I was an unaware, unsuspecting prey. I have learned so much about narcs and about myself – symbiotically unhealthy connections… tendrils, always dangerous… must be vigilant for hoovers and future narcs that may gravitate toward to steal fuel… another lifelong battle I suspect.
    Thank you again Mr. Tudor for sharing your insight. I am aware, stronger and feel I may be one, no – that I am one… that got away.

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    1. Recovering,

      I have too was unaware that such people existed. I never knew that narcs were like this. The school and cadres, greaters and lessers – all eye opening and at the same time frightening.

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  6. I went to church tonite. It softened me. I wanted to contact him to tell him I prayed for him and for his wholeness. And I let myself feel it all. I wrote a ‘concerned’ message. And then I chose to ‘not send’. I put my phone down. And went to bed.

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  7. I am glad I have reached this land. I am in my fortress. Never underestimate the narcissist that will randomly pop up to test the water, even years later. One from my past that I divorced (not a full narc but has traits and BPD likely), it’s been 19 years since our divorce and he still pops up in my facebook messages. Even after defriending him and not responding etc. YEARS Yes, we can let go of the rope and be on our happy way but when we cross his mind, he’ll pop up to see if he can snag ya. Just stay the course.

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  8. Thank you H.G. for this series of articles about the post discard battle. I love them. You described very well the different internal struggles that each of us has to fight. I’m in that tower, in the dry land, and I don’t know whether to hope that he returns to knock it down from the tower or hope that he will never face more alive. But I still watching every day off the tower to see if he’s there…but nothing…
    I want to be really free but I can’t be really free until I will have thought of him….

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  9. Pretty extraordinary how well you understand the vicissitudes of our inner emotional turmoil and its various stages post-discard. Especially for someone who has never felt any of these things himself. Does your understanding arise from outward observation of us or is it as a result of your own reading and research into what it is we experience?

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      1. We are your favourite (s)object to study… maybe more than yourself… the deep known about us give you more opportunities of fuel…

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  10. I enjoyed this series of articles very much and loved your sailing analogy. It shows that your behaviour has a defined structure and predictability.
    Thank you also for your valuable advice about how to sail through the Emotional Sea, Captain Tudor. Wish I could have my own destroyer someday.

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  11. Thank you HG. I do look forward to your writings daily. I know I wounded my narc. I moved on before he was ready and it was a deep wound for him. I am on higher ground, my family understands more of the emotional trauma I’ve sustained, but he still crosses my mind more than he should at this stage of the game. I’d like to think he’s gone forever—gone back to distroy his former lovers marriage. Guess time will tell

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