Outside Looking In

 

outside-looking-in

 

You think about me every day. You wait for those teasing and tempting text messages which come through repeatedly during the day and then dry up around 6pm when you know that I am home with her. Once in a while there might be a sudden text at 9pm telling you that she has popped in the bath and that I love you, I miss you and I hate being apart from you. The text also warns you against replying and therefore all you are able to do is touch the glowing screen and try to feel the sentiment behind these electronic messages of desire.

How you cherish that period around 5-30 pm when every day we speak on the ‘phone, just you and I. I am driving home from the office and I use the half an hour or so to regale you with my compliments and to issue those promises that perhaps one day I will be driving home to you. Whatever you are doing you always ensure that you are available and your ‘phone line is free in order to engage in this call. You now arrange social engagements to take place later or you remain at your workplace, ensconced in the office, appearing to be engaged in a business call, save that you smile far too much for something that is work-related. That half an hour of heaven when we talk as if we were properly together, making plans, discussing the things we like and dislike, planning the next time we can snatch some time to make love without being detected or laughing about what was discussed when we met for lunch.

You manage to arrange to have lunch with me at least once a week. We deliberately choose a place that neither is likely to be recognised in and we place ourselves around the corner and out of sight. Hands held beneath the table and then removed when the waiter nears us, just in case. Stolen kisses, lingering looks and promises, oh so many promises of the wonderful world that awaits us once I manage to free myself of the chains of my marriage.

You listen carefully and attentively, showing the empathy for which you were chosen as I make oblique references to my miserable home life. Each time you gently press for more information to enable you to understand what it is that I have to ensure. What it is that I have to put up with and what it is that has driven me into your arms. I try not to say too much at first. I do not want our oh too brief times together to be spoiled by my tale of woe, but your sympathetic ear proves irresistible and I allow you to learn of the injustices that I suffer on a daily basis.

“We just do not get on any longer.”

“She lost interest in me sexually three years ago. I am amazed I have lasted this long.”

“Nothing I seem to do is good enough. No matter how hard I try, she always finds something to criticise.”

You listen and nod. I know you are desperate to weigh in and slide a knife between me and her and cut our bonds, but the decency that you are imbued with prevents you from doing so. You even suggest reasons why this state of affairs is as it is. You are kind, generous and understanding.

You thrill to my sudden calls out of the blue. You always answer after one ring, sometimes even less, thus denoting that your ‘phone is kept next to you at all times. Your voice always tells me how delighted you are to hear from me. When we meet your eyes, your kiss, your hugs and your spoken enthusiasm cause me to soar as I witness your devotion and desire.

You experience a surge of excitement when you are disturbed by a chime in the middle of the night and see that I have managed to issue another text to you.

I cannot get you out of my head and had to let you know. Don’t reply, I am in bed with her.

The delight that you experience at hearing from me when you expected not to is tempered by the knowledge that I am with her and not you.

The weekends are hardest as you often tell me. I can tell you want to say more but I know you are fearful of pushing me away by being too demanding. I text you when I can and even managed to call you, speaking in hushed tones from a toilet cubicle or a changing room in a department store, stifling my laugh that I have pretended to try on some clothes just so I can call you.

I keep you hooked though. I know how much you want me. I know you love me and I know you want me to be loved, to take me away from the misery of my marriage. I promise you that one day we will be together. Now is not the time, it isn’t quite right at the moment, there’s a family event coming up and it wouldn’t be sensible to drop such a bombshell with that on the horizon, there is a family holiday she booked it and I didn’t know until now but what can I do? I will have to go. I keep the promises coming and the excuses flowing and still you hang on.

I know you wonder why I keep my ‘phone close to me. You haven’t said anything yet but I am not stupid. I can see the suspicion in your eyes when I wake and immediately check my mobile.

“I am waiting for an important e-mail that may have come in from the States overnight,” I explain and issue a disarming smile. You nod. You seem to accept the explanation.

You have complained how you are unable to ever get me on my ‘phone when you ring when I am on my way home. How many times have you left messages asking me to pick up some milk or to collect one of our children from swimming or football only for me to pick the message up too late?

“I need to be available for my clients. They don’t know I am driving home nor do they care; they need to speak to me. After all, if it wasn’t for them we wouldn’t have this would we?” I explain pleasantly sweeping an expansive arm at the large house and expensive furnishings all around us. You nod in acceptance. You understand my work is important. I tell you often enough that it is.

“I wish you would meet me for lunch when I come into town,” you say every week or so. I kiss your forehead and tell you that I wish that I had the time to enjoy lunch the woman I love but it is a sandwich and a bottle of fizzy water at my desk for me. There are targets to hit. You nod in understanding and tell me that I work too hard. I thank you and my mind drifts to what I will eat in that Thai restaurant I will be having lunch in tomorrow.

“I wish they would leave you alone,” you sigh when I turn away from you in bed after having made love to you. Your hand lingers on my back, wanting to maintain the closeness and the connection as I attend to my ‘phone on the night stand and issue a late night text before placing it face down.

“I know but it saves waking up to a problem,” I say before turning back to you and kissing you as we nestle in our marital bed.

I know you cherish our weekends together when the demands of the working week intrude less on our domestic life. I can sense you looking at me as I sit, phone in hand, a smile of contentment playing across those lips but nowhere near as wide as the smile inside of me as I fire off a tempting and teasing message.

“Just seeing if Dan is available for squash next week. Tuesday night, so I will be back late,” I say across the room by way of explanation, opening up a gap in the week for someone other than you. You smile and nod and return to your book.

“I love you,” I say suddenly and you look up, the devotion and desire burning in your eyes and it seems so familiar almost making me say something, but the thought passes and I wallow in the admiration and love that you send towards me. You have never ceased to do that.

You do not know about her.

She thinks she knows all about you.

Neither of you really know what I am.

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21 thoughts on “Outside Looking In”

  1. So enlightening! So familiar.

    How do you imagine the experience is for the wife – both the pre-discovery uncertainty and the post-discovery?

    Do you want to know what it’s really like?

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  2. This literally makes me sick to my stomach. It is/was me. Trying to be perfect. Being afraid all the time of abandonment if a single wrong move is made. Putting every need I have after him, his career, his family and friends. Believing all that is said. Denying that the overriding issues are my own. Living a double life that splits me from my better self. Self sabotaging myself due to my choice in choosing someone completely unavailable. Knowing that it will end in complete disaster for me but fighting every minute to hang on to something that was never and will never be mine. I can’t own my part until it is completely over because I didn’t want to see it. I wanted to believe that I would be chosen. It was far easier for me to release the addiction to cocaine than it has been for me to release him. He is sick for certain but I am sick as well.

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  3. This is exactly me and him, as the OW, for 21 months. We never got to the gushy I love you stage, we were clear about boundaries, but I did everything you described. He indirectly dictated the acceptable times of contact, I made myself avsilsble. He was very busy (increasingly so, 2 job promotions, 3 kids from 2 marriages). I made him laugh and happy and he was sooo appreciative. I do know we had a ton of fun together, that wasn’t a lie. However he was highly sensitive to percieved criticism, and had a way of twisting around apologies into blame. If there was observable devalue, it was less than a week, and limited to increased sarcasm. I knew he was increasingly stressed/depressed. (He confided…Poor life choices, not taking care of himself, stressed, angry, impotent–that has happened one year prior, both in the fall). I sent him a text wondering if there was something else besides stress/time, I was having a hard time figuring out what he wanted/needed from me, I didn’t want to feel like I was bothering him and did he want space? He never replied. Does this sound like narc or garden variety asshole?

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  4. I can relate to so much of this except for the fact i do feel regret and shame for the affair. What started off as something flirtatious turned into something much more. Narcs hurry things along so you become addicted to them and six yrs later i am more than ever. Not something i ever thought would be me. Having a cheating father i vowed never to do the very thing i despised but here i am. Karma bite me hard discovering in time i was with a covert narc. Hes always there being a single man which has built up that reliance and addiction. The false stability.
    Lies snowball and get out of control. You desperately try to hold onto something thats a sham while knowing deep in your heart of hearts you are committing one of the worst deciets towards another much less your spouse. Despite there being reasons its never an option to take. Affairs are poisonous to all involved. When its with a narc all the moreso. They can have so much on you and blackmail im sure is not out of the question. Im hoping it never comes to that once things do come to an end.

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    1. The fact that you said “you hope” is your awareness on some level that it it has a high chance of that. I realized finally that the Narc was using such subtle shame and threats to keep me in line. Until he became quite overt. That was when I knew he never had an ounce of good will towards me all along. And that he counts on being able to silence people with threats of some kind of blackmail without ever even specifying what… as one of his tools in his arsenal. It was always there, some underlying sneakiness and threat. Always waiting with it to pounce.

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  5. I can relate to this as the OW, except it was never gushy, clear boundaries. He had a lot of narc behaviors toward his wife, like blaming her for making him mad for stupid stuff like troubling him to get a glass of water. Highly srnsitive to percieved criticism, so much so i learned my lesson after two silent treatments and tiptoed around his ego, waiting for the rug to be pulled out. But over time I became Co dependant. If he is a narc, the devalue stage was a week, and he only became more sarcastic. He was increasingly stressed/depressed, impotent, sarcastic. I sent him a text wondering if there was more going on, telling him it was hard to know what he needed from me, I didn’t want to feel like I was bugging him and did he want some space? It was poorly worded and I should have said you seem down to me, is there anything I can do to help. Anyway, he never replied. 22 months. I texted twice after that. Once clarifying, once apologizing. No response. Does that sound like narc or just garden variety miscommunication.

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  6. I think a big distinction I do not specifically hear much about, is the difference between love and desire. The narc has desires, which propel behaviours. Real love is wanting the good of another, no strings attached. To be desired, wanted, or appreciated for what I give, is not love. You want what I have to give, and I love to give it out of my own need. We make each other special for performing certain roles, and we are never satiated. Only the empath, has any hope of escape, because I can grow and heal and learn to really love, and to choose differently next time. The fake has lost its lustre, but it also left a mark.

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    1. 1. It is highly unlikely we would choose a victim like that to begin with.
      2. If they did, they may be kept because of the fuel as we would use their lying and betrayal against them.
      3. If the betrayal kept wounding us and the fuel was low, we would get rid.

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  7. Been on both sides of the coin. Neither side was fulfilling. I never had all of him/all of them. Just a sliver of what they chose to show me.

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    1. Like anyone else – at a church, civil ceremony etc.

      If you mean why :-

      1. To bind the victim;
      2. Infatuation during the golden period;
      3. Creation and maintenance of the facade.

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