Five Howling Wildernesses

five-howling-wildernesses

Five reasons it cannot work

1. Nothing about the golden period is real

It feels like every day is summer doesn’t it? Warm and wonderful. No rain clouds anywhere, just a cornflower blue sky. Not a cloud to be had. Everything is fantastic. We do everything together. We match on every conceivable level. I like what you like. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy the same books and films. I know what you are about to say. We like to cook together, try new wines and explore interesting places. Whether it is forest or foam, city or village we both enjoy going to these places and do so together. We are soulmates. I do not want anyone but you. You have finally met the person that you have wanted all of your life. You still cannot believe how lucky you are to have found someone like me, someone who cares for you, holds you, loves you and showers you with attention, praise and affection. What would you do without me? You struggle to even remember what life was like before I appeared, shiny and exciting. You never want it to end and you allow this golden effect to permeate deep inside you, touching every part of you. Every fibre of your being is coated with my golden touch. None of it is real. You have spent all your time looking at a mirror whilst wrapped in an illusion. I was never any of those things. I just showed you wanted you wanted to see, said what you wanted to hear and did what you wanted to experience. I am a con-man, a charlatan and a fraudster who trades in fake love and steals your true love. I am not what you think I am, I never was and I never will be.

2. Nothing is ever good enough

How soon the golden and glistening empire rots and rusts, those gleaming towers of glass and chrome shatter and crumble. What once seemed like it would stand for a thousand millennia has come crashing down. You scurry left and right, attending and caring, working yourself into a frenzied confusion as you try to hold it together. You cannot accept that this is happening and you try your utmost to stop the cascading stone and the splintering timber but it is an impossible task. You can no more prevent this edifice from tumbling to the ground than you can hold back the tide. The manifestation of this crumbling empire and your frantic efforts to rebuild it comes in how you try and try to please me. You give more of yourself each day in your desire to salvage what you understand, wrongly, to be us. You steadily erode your integrity in a bid to please me, make me happy and do whatever it takes to make things good once again. Each time you think you have got there, the bar is raised higher and then higher still. You keep giving and I keep taking. What worked last week is now scorned. What made me tell you that I loved you a month ago annoys me instead. I no longer want to be with you or be touched by you. No matter how hard you work, cook, clean, tidy and care. No matter how much effort you put into maintaining your figure, dressing attractively and taking an interest in my day, you are only ever met with scowls, scorn and abuse. You do not give up, not yet, but you fail to realise that this is a hole which can never be filled.

3. Nothing stops the games being played

The tears in your eyes will not abate the cruelty. The soft glistening tears which roll down your cheeks only appear as blood to the cruising shark. A green light to continue with the denigration and vicious nastiness in order to provoke more emotion from you. Today is a day of silence. The shoulder cold and brutal as you try to fathom out what is wrong and what you have done. Tomorrow is all smiles again although you are none the wiser as to what has happened to change that but by sundown you will be traipsing to a cold and empty bed as I vanish once again. I sit in my chair seemingly staring into nothingness but I am mentally flicking through my Devil’s Toolkit as I consider my next move. I arrange the pieces, you, my friends, my family, your friends, the neighbours and the man in the sandwich shop. All of you pawns on my giant chessboard as I decide where you should go. You try to learn the rules, to stay onside and avoid transgression but these games are played with just one rule. There are no rules. I revel in my gamesmanship as each day I deploy a new machination against you. These games will tear you apart and you can never hope to win at them.

4. Nothing surpasses fuel

Everything revolves around obtaining fuel, from you, form him and from her. It is a ceaseless quest for my lifeblood which ensures that I am always on the hunt. Restless until I find sufficient fuel and then planning the next move, this need comes above all else. Events are disrupted, dates are delayed, birthdays are ruined and anniversaries forgotten all in order to acquire my fuel. Your needs are placed way below mine, for fuel is everything. I have no responsibilities save the acquisition of fuel so children, jobs, money, health and harmony are all left at the wayside, neglected and abandoned to enable me to pursue the only thing that truly matters to me. I will do anything, say anything and be anything to obtain this fuel. Fuel makes me hurt you, fuel makes me seduce your best friend, fuel makes me fire the nice guy in the office, fuel makes me take centre stage at get togethers. Fuel is all.

5. Nothing will ever change.

There are those of my kind who know not what they are and any such attempts to pin them with the blame of awareness will be resisted with the speed and instinct of pulling your hand away from a flame. They do not know what they are but they know that you are the enemy, seeking to foist change when it is not needed, a part of your attempt to control them and punish them when they have done nothing wrong. Change is not needed and will never happen with them. Those of us who know what we do see no reason to change. We are conquerors, pioneers, leaders and ubermensch. We are supreme beings and we are always right. You make the changes to yourself and fit in with my new world order. I am mightier than you. This all works for me so why should I change? I am not required to change, I am the decider, I am not the one who is decided upon. I rule. I am not ruled. This is how it is and it shall always be the case. Deal with it. I will not change and I cannot change. I know what I am but I choose this, who would not do so when you are as triumphant and brilliant as I am? Nothing will ever change.

Besides, I am terrified of change.

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36 thoughts on “Five Howling Wildernesses”

  1. How can you be terrified of change?? You change all the time? What you say. What you do. Who you are with. It makes no sense. At all..

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      1. So when he changed, and I finally went to the wife – not just one – not just two – but three times – he lost control. Not just over me but also her. Doubble score I may add. The hundreds of “you are the one”,” I love you not my wife” emails was out. So was the dirty little secret, later ipss on promotion for ipps. Tough call.

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      2. HG
        Does your fear of change cause you to exhibit what we would refer to as OCD-like behaviour? Not necessarily excessive hand washing and such, but the strict adherence to a very regimented schedule at the very least? I wondered because of your admitted machine-like efficiency.

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  2. Is wish you could send me an article about reason one every day.
    It’s so frustrating.

    It’s a great list!!! If you are still holding on by a thread this will tell you why you should let go.

    HG, have you changed any of your behaviors since day one of your sessions with the doctors?

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  3. The golden period was real for me and i lived it.
    Such a shame that you didn’ t?
    But in your way you did it too.
    That is good enough for me..
    Everything moves and changes
    And everything has a beginning and an end.
    EVERYTHING
    It is a matter of caring in the midst of difficulties that makes things forever alive and beautiful.

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  4. Dear HG, on the one hand you state that when you meet a new target you believe she may be the one. On the other, you claim nothing about the golden period is real. Seems inconsistent. How do you reconcile this apparent inconsistency? Thank you!

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  5. “I am the decider, I am not the one who is decided upon.”

    Wrong.

    When you get too confident in your imagined omnipotence, and she reaches a point of no return, she will start making the decisions, not you!

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      1. Your victims do not know what you are. If you came across one who saw through you, the dynamics would be vastly different. You could not do as you pleased, your actions would have consequences. She would fight you all the way, and you’d be wounded massively and repeatedly. But it is in neither’s interest to engage: you would not want to cede control, and she would not want to be with an abusive man. Life is to be lived in peace, not to be wasted fighting!

        On this note, please refrain from having toddler temper tantrums today of all days, and give your spouse a Happy Valentine’s Day! She surely deserves it! 🙂 🙂

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  6. I do not detect a golden period in the current US administration. Tho I do believe he catered to a certain population of disillusioned citizens and painted a golden picture for them. Is that how mass golden periods look at a society level with countries? Only some have golden?

    BTW, NA, your Prime Minister just became the most f$&kable head of state in the world and just made the day of many Americans with his awesome response to “the handshake” with #45. Another reason I’m eyeing Canada. 😂

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    1. INDY THE SOON TO BE NEW CANADIAN
      What about the handshake? Whats funny is I started work under Trudeau senior and will retire this year under Trudeau junior. Not a lot has changed-few more canoes and maybe 3 helicopters (2 in the shop). Thats why we’re Peacekeepers lol.

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      1. Hehehe. Hey, I could have had dual citizenship if my parents hadn’t died so fast. Damn it. Vermont was close enough though! I should be honorary!

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      2. Oh that handshake was glorious! Justin did not let the Donald do the grab and pull. He actually grabbed Donald’s bicep and pulled him in. Donald is known to pull people’s arms off as a sign of dominance, so this was epic. All over the media. Hey, its the little things that keep me going, besides his pictures on my wall (Trudeau’s that is). 😉

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      1. I just got teary eyed this morning when I heard americans were leaving as refugees and entering Canada, pretty close to where I grew up in Vermont they are crossing the boarder and risking arrest. This is happening now. Fleeing a sociopathic narcissistic country’s regime. I know what I learned here has been so timely so I understand at a deeper level not only what I went through in my individual relationship, what my clients experience in these family dynamics and now my current country’s leader and admin. I am grateful and on guard. I am seeing a rush of seeking passports. I never thought I would see this in my lifetime. I have lived through republican, democratic and a mixture of all sorts of regimes. Liked some, bitched about others. This is different, no doubt. And, HG, some of us will recognize what we learned here on a grander scale and perhaps even use your skills to get through these times as well. I pray for our country, its people, and hope we make it through as a republic. I am looking forward to your work related to this topic, HG. Do you have a time line on this? And, is it just a break down on the features of narcicism or is it more? And if you are not finished yet, would you be open to add in recommendations on how to make it through? I have some ideas and reading voraciously on different historians on how to maintain without being seduced into being completely gaslit, docile and helpless. Would like to hear updates on the status of various works of yours.
        A dedicated fan for sure, 🙂

        I also had a silly idea that I am sure has been brought up here somewhere I am have missed: Have you thought of merchandizing? Shirts/hats/cups that say stuff, like “Seizing the Power”, “It’s always about me”, “hoover this” or “What would HG say?” hehehe

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      2. Care to share if it is just a behavioral bereakdown or does it also include recommendations for us Americans?

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  7. HG
    You really mean that you will stay forever with the “one perfect” one?
    But will you be faithfully to her?
    Hard to believe that….. ???

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  8. He is in the golden period with his new supply. eventually all relationships fall into routine. Responsibility comes with children and apartments and homes. With my ex he never understood this its like he was chasing the thrill of someone new, New love everything is great and perfect is this what narcissist chase

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  9. Wow! Really?
    HG
    It seems though to me that unless this primary source accept absolutely everything about you ( which its difficult) and still she choses and feel to give you fuel you need.. it is bound to fail.
    For myself for example i have shown that i did accept everything.. .except one thing: Cheating with other woman/ women .. that i could never ever accept.
    You are saying that if you will find that “one” that doesn’ t fail you ..(?) you would then stop the carry on with the others?
    I can’ t quite understand what you mean.

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  10. It seems contradictory to find the one… not behave with any of these narc ways for a few years….then get married….to then go back to narc and addicted ways? It is causing barrassment to the narc as others watch his fall….I realize he doesn’t see it….but losing respect and integrity and good life and career? It would seem a narc would do anything to save face and not leave spouse, kids, ruin credit, ruin career, etc like you say. So counterintuitive.

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  11. You hit the nail on the head with this one!! My ex would flip if the couch was scooted without his permission!! He didn’t even like it when I got my hair trimmed.

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