Watching You Crumble

watching-you-crumbleWe don’t provide support. We are too concerned with ourselves and our daily hunt for the fuel that we need to be concerned about you. We are engrossed in our own world and have no interest in yours. The only time we pay attention to you is when you are providing us with fuel or you stop providing us with fuel. Everything we do is focussed around us. This is because we have to obtain fuel, as without we will disintegrate. The hunger for this fuel is never ending and accordingly all of our energy must be applied towards obtaining it. This leaves us with nothing left over for anyone else.

Being a caregiver yourself, you would like to think that the person who you share your life with, or who you work closely with, would be amenable to providing you with support. That may mean giving you emotional support when you are experiencing a difficult time or taking the strain allowing you to lessen the burden on yourself. You give and you are happy to do so, therefore why should they not do so as well? That is the outlook of someone normal operating by the norms and rules of your world. Those do not apply to us. We cannot provide you with support since we have nothing available to do so.

Added to that we do not know how to provide emotional support. Yes we can see how chores can be done and the like. We also have observed the ways that you provide emotional support to other people and we know the phrases that are used, the expressions that are formed on people’s faces and the gestures that are made. We have seen all that and we could trot all that out. In fact we have done in the past. We did this when we were seducing you. When we wanted you to divulge about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities this will have invariably saddened you and upset you. It may even have caused an episode where you need emotional support. We were happy to go through the motions then because we were at the stage of investing in your in order to get our fuel. We were content to make the right noises, give you a hug and make the panacea that is the cup of tea. All of this was learned from others. We did not feel anything for you. We could not put ourselves in your shoes (heaven forbid that would ever happen) and we could not empathise with what you were experiencing and nor can we ever do that. Yet again, we conned you into thinking that we are a caring and selfless person. We demonstrated such an approach when we were first together and that attracted you to us. This raised expectations that you could rely on us and turn to us when the need arose. It is all false.

Furthermore, when you need support and expect it from us, you are showing to us how you are weak. We despise weakness. You will find that our kind is rarely found near children, the infirm and ill and the elderly. This is because they are all weak and want support regularly. We do not want to be reminded of that fact. We cannot be bothered with you cluttering up our route to fuel. An exhibition of weakness infuriates us. A normal person would see someone in a position of weakness and deign to help and assist. We have seen how this is a natural reaction in normal people. It will not happen with us.

If you are fortunate, we will absent ourselves from the situation in an instant. We will generate some urgent reason; find a pressing engagement we had forgotten about in order to ensure we can get away from you and your ailment, woe or injury. You probably will never see us move as quick when it comes to getting away from somebody who needs help. If we are unable to exit the situation then we may just stand and look at you. You could be reaching out to us, eyes filled with tears of pain, asking for help and we will just give you a blank stare. We know we ought to be helping you, convention and observation has told us this, but we cannot do so. We are unable to leave but we are also unable to help you. This requires compassion and we do not have any. It requires us to us our energies to help you out and we are forbidden from doing so.

Our ultimate reaction where you need support from us is to go on the offensive. The uncomfortable feeling that you have generated inside of us makes us feel less powerful and smacks of inferiority. We know of only one way to banish such a sensation. We need to reassert our power and that means we must lash out at you. It becomes necessary to subject you to further insults and denigrating comments, at a time when you are feeling hurt and vulnerable.

“What are you crying for? I have had worse happen to me.”

“I am sick and tired of you being pathetic. Deal with it.”

“I bet (insert name of triangulated individual) would not make such a song and dance about it like you do.”

“It’s only a dog, you can get another one. Seriously, what a display over a dumb animal.”

“You are hysterical, you need to get help.”

“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”

“That’s right; make it about you on my special day.”

We will lash out at you with these words in order to make you feel worse and ourselves feel better because that is all we care about. We fooled you into thinking that we care about you. That is a fallacy. Do not expect us to support you.

Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us. If you chopped us in half you would most likely find this stencilled through us like lettering on a stick of rock

“Do as I say, not do as I do.”

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48 thoughts on “Watching You Crumble”

  1. Just experienced this in November when i lost my dad…then experienced it this past weekend when i had to give my dads dog of 12 yrs to a pet rescue center bcuz i could no longer keep her. Everything you said as he stood there watching me cry as they took Gracie off in the car to go live in a foster home until they find her a new permanent home “why are you crying? My god Heather its just a f’en dog” .. “What is wrong with you?” “you cry just to cry”! Then he leaves…but of course several hours later returns! Wow..what a great husband!
    Needed to read this as well HG. Thank you!

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    1. Gracie kept a link to your father while you are grieving such a monumental loss. Not everyone is equipped to care for a pet with their lifestyle or schedule. That was probably adding to you feeling bad. You are in the throws of grief that is still fresh and raw. You cry whenever you need to.

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  2. HG, did you learn that asking for help is weakness? Or was this feeling inside you from the beginning of intellectual awareness (as a little child) ?
    I have seen that kind of thinking on different opportunities.

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      1. I don’t like to ask for help from people I know. But I will from strangers on the Internet. Isn’t that weird.

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  3. Empaths and narcissists are a twisted match made in heaven/limo for sure

    So glad I’m an empath/healer/hippie/treehugger whatever you want to call me. But no worries narcs of the world. I will never stop sending love to the kid inside in you desperatly wanting to be loved.

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    1. I feel the same way. I will not change who I am as a person even if I was intentionally hurt. I will stop feel some kind of compassion for that person.

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    2. So true. But I don’t know if I’m happy about it so much at the moment. I have a kid inside me too, and all she wants right now is to be held. Of course, just as HG’s post so eloquently describes, everyone is super busy just now, have their own problems to talk about that take precedence, or have simply ghosted out.

      I’ve recently heard the term inverted narcissist. What do you think of that classification, HG? Would you consider it basically the codependent you talk about? Or some other type?

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    1. Scout, sometimes I feel a bit torn. In one aspect, it helps me so much to hear others go thru this same thing. On the flip-side, it can become an addiction for me, just as the Narcissist, himself, was an addiction. I don’t even realize the amount of time that passes while I am on here; then when I realize my time spent on here, I feel guilty for being on here when there is so much else to do!

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  4. Yes Scout i am beginning to question it myself. The more i read i have such mixed emotions…i go from wow..i get it now..to..angry ..to sad..to cussing…back to wow..
    Not only am i starting to believe i am the narc bcuz of my sick twisted husband…im starting to believe im bipolar. Help!

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    1. Heather – You think YOU are a narc? I think there is a spectrum, and we all land on it somewhere. I feel like a narc sometimes because I like when people respond to me and I feel empty if I am not getting it. But I am also a very empathetic person.

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    2. Hi Heather. I hope that reading these can actually make sense of what is all very nonsensical and otherwise confusing for you and all of us. With the confusion fading and the nonsense becoming easier to read I hope that can help you to trust your own instincts again and realise that it was NEVER you to begin with. Gain back your confidence and know that you’re right so when your husband tries to twist things to make you the crazy one, don’t allow it. Dig deep for that self trust, and hold on to yourself and be there for yourself without any doubts, so he can’t erode what you now know to be true… you are the normal one who can feel compassion and cry when you’re hurting! There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s actually very healthy. Don’t forget it!

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    3. It is really difficult to remain sane when one has been subjected to the mind-games of a Narcissist, or two, or three… I posted an EXIT sign on the back of my bathroom 🚪 door, because sometimes I don’t know if I’m coming, or going. People always say I look “lost”.

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  5. “Furthermore, when you need support and expect it from us, you are showing to us how you are weak.”

    What happens when you realize your primary source doesn’t or no longer appears to expect it from you, what happens when they seem perfectly content whether you give, support, or care or not?

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      1. Let’s say you realize this and you shift your manipulation, to realize she is the same yet again, she remains steady and constant as you shift, yet you get the same results, she doesn’t shift and respond to you, she just is, the same period. It is not that she seems to not care, or that she has moved on, she just seems to be whole, and content and happy regardless of any outside circumstances, and nothing seems to throw her off.

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      2. I know you would have a prospective primary source, but let’s say for the mid or lesser, and if he did not have one lined up, what then?

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      3. Thank you HG. I apologize for my lack of fuel 😉 As of late.
        Hmmm…would a narc slip into depression, if he is having no success in finding a prospective source, and not getting supplementary fuel, and dealing with a primary source he cannot seem to draw fuel from, be it positive or negative, and all he can get is stagnant contentment? What does a depressed narc look like? Oh my look at me with so many questions, I do appreciate your time!

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      4. He would become withdrawn, listless, paranoid and then depressed, neglectful and teetering on the edge of the chasm as the creature howls and claws its way out

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  6. Oh yeah! Cancer, robbed, tears… didn’t matter. Didn’t give one ounce of compassion. Just a dead soul, blank stare. Almost lifeless.

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  7. I sucked my thumb until I was 8 years of age, except at school; now I twirl my hair, around and around, through my fingers. Do you ever get nervous, H.G., and do you have any habits that you use to relieve nervousness, (or fury, or hatred)?

    Thank you!

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  8. So when my narc said he was nervous about something (this was about something particularly important to him he did not know how it would play out), it was more loss of control? Is this right, HG? Thank you!

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  9. Boy, some of these comments ring true. Especially the the one about the dog, when he was the one who killed my dog. Now thinking about how he treated his father around his cancer and the oddities around his death, I do wonder if he killed his father as well.

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  10. I do not have a problem with others not being able to feel certain things, whatever the cause. I do have a massive problem however, with others *pretending* they could in order to deceive and exploit. How do you force the truth out of them? That’s what I would like to know.

    Test them over time, infuriate them on purpose to see what lies beneath? Yet if you are dealing with an emotionally healthy individual, you would have put him through rough treatment unnecessarily, and probably ruined your chances at happiness!

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    1. Understandable sentiments Matilda but an emotionally healthy person would respond not only in a manner which is non-narcissistic but would also not be perturbed by such a test.

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      1. That probably depends on the individual’s temperament and personal history. I want to be the kind, loving one again, but there is so much rage inside. The good ones do not deserve my wrath, they have done nothing wrong. And it pains me to think that I could be the cause of their misery.

        I have seen some improvement in temper over the last few months, and that is due to insight from reading your works, so, thank you for that, HG. If I ever meet Mr. Right, it will also be thanks to your valuable lessons on how to spot the toads! 🙂

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  11. “You will find that our kind is rarely found near children, the infirm and ill and the elderly. This is because they are all weak and want support regularly.”

    Be careful. Not quite right. Remember, weak people such as the mentally and physically impaired as well as children are easy to control and manipulate. A big draw. Even better, your involvement with these types helps to prop up your benevolent false self that shows the world just how amazing you are. Two birds with one stone. Don’t forget that your kind come in all shapes and sizes. Not all of you are the suave and sophisticated, wine-and-dine types. There are lots of other ways to hide too.

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  12. To the Narcissists and Lieutenants of my past: wipe those grins off your faces. When I crumble, it will not be because of you that I have done so. It will be due to more worthy reasons, I assure you. (I’m not adding you in this equation, M. Tudor!) 🤠

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