No Good Advice

no-good-advice

Relationship advice. The internet is awash with it. Sites, blogs, question and answer sessions, videos on YouTube there is a plethora of advice about how to deal with the problems which arise in intimate relationships.

I decided recently to have a good look through many of these sites and gather together the common complaints which people raise when they submit their issues. There are plenty of submissions, thousands upon thousands of people complaining about the issues in their relationships. Oddly enough, I noticed a common thread with many of these complaints where people had written in to seek advice or explained their circumstances. Time and time again I the following:-

“Everything was wonderful to begin with, he swept me off my feet.”

“She made me feel like a king and it was just what I needed after how horrible my marriage had been.”

“I was taken aback by how loving he was, but it felt so good to be treated that way after everything that I had been through.”

“He told me how he had been hurt before and didn’t want to go through that again.”

“His ex-wife was horrible to him and he had been hurt but wanted to ensure everything was right between us.”

“Everything was marvellous for a few months and then he changed.”

“I didn’t know him anymore.”

“He started controlling me.”

“She told me who I could see.”

“He started to isolate me from family and friends.”

“He would flirt with other women.”

“She spent all of her time on the internet doing Lord knows what.”

“He never listens to me.”

“He became abusive.”

“The sex was amazing at first but then it just stopped.”

“He was so loving and attentive in bed but then he started suggesting threesomes and kinky stuff which I didn’t like.”

“He started to make decisions for me.”

“She would lose her temper over the smallest thing.”

“He would disappear for days on end and I was sick with worry.”

“He would not speak to me for several days even though I had done nothing wrong.”

“He started hitting me. He said sorry afterwards and seemed remorseful for what he had done, blaming it on seeing his dad beat him mum when he was young.”

“He doesn’t like anything I do any more, he puts me down.”

“Its like living with Jekyll and Hyde.”

“He just never contacted me again. I still don’t know what has happened.”

“He told me he couldn’t be with me anymore as he needed time to himself and then two days later I see him post about a new girlfriend on social media.”

“He was unfaithful to me repeatedly.”

“I still miss her after everything she has done.”

“I am financially ruined, stressed but I still love him.”

“Why can’t it be like it was in the beginning?”

“I want him back.”

I should imagine that all of you will be nodding at these comments for two reasons. First of all, you remember saying them yourself or something similar. Secondly, you now realise what was actually behind these behaviours. People like me.

Over and over again I saw questions and tales which all had the common theme of ‘Brilliant start, he became someone else, dumped me, I was heartbroken.’ Hundreds upon hundreds of these stories, these tales of misery and woe. A litany of despondency and confusion that has been piled up in the inboxes of the relationship advisors and gurus. I scrolled through them all, reading the replies, the advice and the suggestions. I read the analysis, I digested the observations and spent some considerable time doing so. What did I see?

Not one person raised the possibility that the person seeking advice had become involved with a narcissist. Not one.

Many of these blogs and relationship advice sites were clearly popular. Some were established names, linked to lifestyle magazines and newspapers. Many directed you to their services for counselling and relationship tool kits. Many of them trotted out similar comments and platitudes. Too often they read like the first world tribulations of a scene from Sex and the City rather than the abusive, destructive and harmful actions of dangerous narcissists.

Yet not one of them raised the suggestion that a narcissist was involved.

Now, naturally it is not the case that behind every relationship woe there is a narcissist but I know that those of you reading this, with the benefit of the enlightenment you have achieved knows that there is a good chance that problems of this nature as described repeatedly in the problems pages of these sites are something to do with people like my kind. Yet nobody was offering this as a possibility. That shows the scale of how easy it is for us to do what we do and pass undetected. It shows the staggering lack of knowledge about what we do say, think and do and the naivety of so many people, including those who apparently understand relationship dynamics.

Instead, I saw standard and repeated responses such as:-

“He is clearly a commitment phobe.”

No, he doesn’t want to spend time with you because he is devaluing you and is actually seducing someone else at the current time.

“You have outgrown each other.”

No, you never grew together to begin with because it was all predicated on an illusion and his lack of interest now is symptomatic of his interest being elsewhere.

“He may just be tired or stressed from working hard to support you and your children.”

Yes or he might be a narcissist who uses his rage to intimidate and control you.

You may have unrealistic expectations about the relationship.”

Damn right you do and we all know why that has happened don’t we?

You need him to take responsibility for his actions. He cannot keep blaming you for everything.”

Good luck with that one.

“He just might not be into you.”

Half-right I suppose, he just isn’t in to you fuel anymore, he is in to somebody else’s.

“He might be bored with life and not you. Try harder to interest him.”

Again, good luck with that one.

“Relationships require hard work. Don’t give up. Keep working at it and you can overcome the problems together.”

You have just been told to sign your own death warrant there.

“Some people have anger issues but that can managed with understanding and therapy.”

Or they have fury which ignites at the slightest provocation and always will.

“Being hurt is an inevitable part of a relationship.”

It is if you get ensnared by my kind.

I am not suggesting that every problem in a relationship is as a consequence of the other party being a narcissist, that is unrealistic. However, the number of times I read about what was clearly the narcissistic dynamic of seduction, devaluation and discard was significant. The monumental amount of times that I recognised narcissistic manipulations – rage attacks, silent treatments, triangulation, intimidation, bullying, gas lighting and so forth – in so many posts did not surprised me but they were not picked up on. Many times these manipulations were not isolated events. There were repeated occasions and also differing types of the manipulations which when combined and repeated point in one direction.

The advice and platitudes that were provided to people who were clearly, not just possibly, but clearly entangled with a narcissist, were way off the mark. The descriptions and answers I have listed above were the ones which were provided to people and at best this would mean the person would remain clueless and stuck with no appropriate solution and at worst they were providing advice which would harm the individual who had sought the advice.

I was not surprised by this erroneous advice. I was not amazed by this omission of our kind from the explanations. I was not taken aback by the scale of people complaining about what was clearly narcissistic abuse but not being told as such.

This is why we are able to do what we do.

This is why we are able to move amongst people, ensnare fresh victims and maintain our veneer of respectability.

This is why what we do is passed off as something else. Euphemised, diluted, lessened and made to seem like a standard relationship hiccup.

This is why ignorance is so harmful.

This is why we remain so effective.

This is why we remain so dangerous.

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126 thoughts on “No Good Advice”

      1. I understand. If there is any way I can help you, except for helping you acquire fuel, of course, please let me know…such as paperwork, ETC.. I have a lot to do, too, but have been a bit emotional lately and just trying to hold on. But, I do like helping others👍

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  1. “Relationships require hard work. Don’t give up. Keep working at it and you can overcome the problems together.”

    “You have just been told to sign your own death warrant there.”

    It took me too long to figure this out and it is so true.

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  2. I got same advices: don’t give up, this guy really loves you, you have to fight for what you want, you have to change and trust, listen to him, you are the problem… And that is what i did…And its was true, I was the problem…There are moments when people can’t handle the truth. But it comes a time when you cannot handle the lies and the games anymore, when it is too much… This is the hardest part, to face the fact there is really nothing you can do and you have to let go.
    You know better than anyone that this is the moment when all demons arise…

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      1. Very nice HG ! i sense your empathy is rising and so is earth’s frequency in divine timing. We can observe you from where we operate but you can’t observe us. Open Heart – Open Galaxy 🙂

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    1. After our breakup, I had a therapist tell me that she’d never heard of a Malignant Narcissist 😧 And then she proceeded to have me take out my pen and paper and give me the above “rules” about relationships. I even told her how the Somatic Narcissist was sexting OTHER women online, and she told me that I “needed to stop looking at the negatives of the relationship and look for the positives”! I stopped seeing that therapist, and haven’t been back to a therapist since…except for H.G.. I know he’s not a certified therapist, but he has helped me more than any licensed therapist ever did concerning Narcissist Abuse.

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      1. Seriously … I could have slapped most self proclaimed counsellors or coaches I came across during the previous years for their stupid wisecracks. When I was talking to a hypnosis therapist on the phone a few weeks ago I couldn’t believe that he DID understand!

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      2. Maybe in 50 years, there will be in-person Support Groups for Abuse Victims of Narcissists as readily as they have ALANON, AA, and Depression Support Groups. The problem is that there will be actual NPDs in the groups, too, proclaiming that they are the ones who have been abused by Narcissists. But still, it would be nice to have support groups and therapists who really do KNOW about it. Sometimes I feel so alone, except in this forum here. But,its frightening to be dependent on one forum because someday H.G. might go away, and not help us anymore.

        If he gets married, his wife will want more time with him, and less time for us; if he becomes famous, he will be gone on tours; and/or maybe even my internet connection will be severed due to a storm…hmmm.

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      3. I agree Claudia.
        That was one of the first things I did. I searched for a support group because I had zero understanding of what I was looking for and what had happened to me.
        All I wanted was for one person to say
        “That happened to me too” and I found that here. And even if I would have found one it would have taken me twice as long to get where I am now because they wouldn’t have had HG’s talent of explaining things in a way that I understand.

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      4. Claudia, if you know you are dependent on this blog (it’s not even a forum – HG, that’s a nice idea, why don’t you have a private, log-in forum as part of your blog site?), then what steps are you going to take to create balance?

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      5. Yes, Sunshine, I need to create balance. I will try not to go to extremes 🖥⌨️, and use moderation, in my time spent here ⏰, and my time spent elsewhere, and doing other important things in my life for my physical 🤸‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️, mental 💊, emotional 🙀, social 👫, and spiritual 🙏health. I have to remember Balance ⚖️⚖️⚖️, and structure ⚒

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      6. Claudia, you’ve said some Cray Cray things in the past. But I like you. You have a sweet, vulnerable, and funny side. I also think you’re a smart gal. ❤

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      7. Thank you, Love ❤️. I like you, too, a lot. You are a sweet person 💜. I will be good from now on. I really will! 💙💚💛

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      8. Thank you, ❤️ Love. I will try not to be super bad on this blog, though 😉, and also, even though I might change my icon pic sometimes, I will keep my name so I do not confuse anyone, anymore, with the many name changes. The world 🌎 is already so confusing enough, I know, without my changing to different names, over and over 🍭🍭🍭. I will restrain myself 💚.

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  3. HG,
    It’s when you write things like this that I imagine I see your empathetic side. You admit that people don’t see the danger. Then you warn. Okay, You see the idiocy of people who believe but, could it be possible that you are sickened by the behavior too? Do you really want someone to see through you? To guess your game and call you out? Would it be relief to stop pretending to be something you are not? I would grow tired of vassilating between joy and pain so much. I would wish someone would come and save me from myself. I can’t be who you are.
    I have a sudden urge to listen to Linkin Park. Hmmm.

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    1. No. I am sickened by the idiots who think they know what they are talking about. I want their readers to be my readers. It galls me to think that inferior publications cause people to read them and accept the dross that is advocated as an explanation when they are completely wide of the mark. Nobody I deal with is likely to see through me and if they did, there is more of a challenge available to conquer them. I bristle with incandescent rage at the so-called experts and their ignorance. I hate ignorance. I do not do joy. I am not in pain when fuelled, which is what I always am.
      Thank you for your observation nevertheless.

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      1. ….and there he is ladies. Cool it Romeo, you’re going to have a aneurysm. Deep breath in…………now blow it out….repeat. Wow. You scared me for a second. You okay buddy? 💙

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      2. My past therapist, and online therapists of past, have caused me more Cognitive Dissonance than just regular people- if this makes sense. It is the same with the Administration on Facebook Support Group Sites for people who have undergone NPD Abuse; it seems that they care more about the quantity of members, and their popularity, than the victims, themselves. I have been subjected to two such groups on Facebook. And one of those groups was a Secret Group, and they tagged me to their ignorant group, themselves.

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      3. That’s quite a strong reaction about ignorance.

        Truth is, everyone starts of ignorant about pretty much everything. The only way to thwart ignorance is education.

        If these people whose ignorance you detest so much keep swimming round and round in their fish bowl, then their ignorance will remain.

        So you have to go and take your message to them. Raise awareness. Promote. Engage. Do an article for a broadsheet. HuffPost. Join a panel of agony aunts in a major women’s magazine – the ones where each agony aunt provides their own view from their own subject matter expertise area – yours could be from the viewpoint of a narc. There’s loads of things you could do. Pull together your own PR plan.

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      4. Thank you for the suggestions Sunshine I know it was done with good intent. I do promote my work but I am an army of one and I am reliant on my good readers spreading the word (as many do) and of course it is sometimes more effective coming from you rather than me as (rightly or wrongly) some will view me with suspicion.

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      5. I have currently taken an oath of minimal posting, BUT I HAD to respond to this. I used to get my relationship advice from psychics. Yes, I said it, psychics. Why? Because they tell you what you want to hear. They always paint sunshine and rainbows after a thunderstorm. People seek a source of information that gives them the most pleasant response. I did not want the dark and ugly truth. I needed sugar plum fairytales to confirm my fantasies.

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      6. Love, do you think you have Pollyanna syndrome? I don’t ask it because of your admission in your post (albeit partially) but moreover based on your comments as a whole.

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      7. It is strange that you say this, H.G., because I was once going to ask Love this same question, but decided against it as I did not want to offend. Sometimes you say things that I am thinking, and at times, you also post articles about what I am going through at that specific time. And, there are many coincidences, it seems. Why?

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      8. Oh Mr. Tudor, that’s really a thing?
        Lol I just looked it up. They come up with a term for everything! Yup. I am Pollyanna’d. I can only take so much doom and gloom. I will daydream if overloaded with too much negativity. Any cool drugs for this disorder?

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      9. Hello Love!!!!
        I looked it up too and I have to admit that sounds like how I have thought all my life.
        Great, I can add another label.
        Too many to count now. I just thought I was normal before my ex.
        I have been positive no matter what happens and have believed in all the happily ever afters that HG writes about. Ugh!!!!

        Look where that got me.
        I learn more about myself here than anywhere.

        I now have a dictionary app and an urban dictionary app and all I need is an HG app!

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      10. I love you Love and your sparkly spirit!!!!
        It wouldn’t be the same without you here.

        Even after everything I still like fairy dust.
        I’m lucky I get to play pretend everyday with the kids in my class.
        Superheroes to princesses. 💫💫

        HG, when I say I’m a teacher does that make you check off a box on your trait list?
        Have you dated a teacher?

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      11. Thanks HG.
        My occupation is something that seems to come out of my mouth too quickly. I just wondered if that’s something I should work on keeping to myself.

        One thing that I have come to understand is how you are you. You always say you are what you are.
        It is very much a habit and just part of my soul to be trusting and empathic. As I have been out more in the past few weeks I have had to try and control what I say. I was right back to talking to strangers and saying too much. I have had to catch myself and realized it will take some training on my part to scale back on my interactions with people. I have gotten better at no eye contact though.

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      12. Love you too Snow!!! ❤
        I wish I could play pretend everyday! The only time I get to is when I have a dance performance.

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      13. “It galls me to think that inferior publications cause people to read them and accept the dross that is advocated as an explanation when they are completely wide of the mark.”

        I’m glad you said that, HG. Now I understand how you feel. Sometimes it is not easy (at least for me) to know if some of those publications are rubbish or not when the so-called experts in narcissism are supposed to be working together with a narcissist. This is why I usually ask you directly if I do not find the answer in your work. It is your opinion which matters to me as I know you are being sincere here on this blog and in your books. Sometimes I have the feeling my questions annoy you. If this is the case, please accept my apologies. I’ll be more thoughtful in the future.

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  4. Do you know if it is possible, H.G., for a Narcissist to be Bipolar, too?

    I don’t know if it was an act, or not, but before his ghosting and smearing, he seemed so moody, rather vulnerable, and cried a lot. I do not know if his crying was real, or not, now. His best friend, who ended up being his Lieutenant, would tell me that he (my boyfriend) was “emotionally fragile”, and that he couldn’t “deal with much”, and that he “was a very different kind of person” who “couldn’t take on too much, and needed a lot of alone-time to ‘recover'”. Strange how your above article made me remember these things. I would like to sort through these things. The Lieutenant was almost 23 years older than my boyfriend. He was highly devoted to her, and he loved to tell me how she would tell him that he had “sultry eyes”, or how she and him had “a bond like no other two people ever could”, ETC.

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      1. This is exactly what I think my sister’s ex husband is: a bipolar narcissist. I am glad it has been mentioned.

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  5. After my boyfriend, and I, broke up, the Lieutenant boasted to me in an email about how she was “going to go to England soon to visit him, and how excited she was”. I couldn’t care less, now. But, I am just trying to understand it all, still.

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      1. I see this. Just remember when you feel the rage, back up three and punt. I will be watching outdoor you. If you start going sideways, I will give a shout out to you to focus. Hugs.

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      2. Thank you, AH OH 💙💜 I am grateful for your shout and hugs 💚💙 I will be very good. ❤️💜 Yes, this is wise advice; keeping focus is what I need to do. I will! I really will! Hugssssss 🍭🍬🍫🍩🍦 (more candy and treats for you)…

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      3. Thank you, AH OH. No, I do not mind. 🍭🍰🍦🍪🍩🍫🍬 I am running a bit low on treats and sweets. Will have to get more, soon.

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    1. I would be a window Becca.

      Realistically that would never happen, but if it did, then it would depend how they would use their ability to see through me.

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      1. People rarely see into Non-Narcissists, let alone these ‘masters of disguise’. We never know who anyone is, really- even “normal” people.

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  6. I was just curious, for future reference, if you take American Express for Consultation? Some places do not accept it. But, I also have VISA. It’s just that I get more rewards by using my AE 💳 card.

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      1. It would be lovely if you accepted Health Insurance as I am blessed with very good coverage. This way, you could be my counselor! Can you make it so?

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      2. I am not a therapist Claudia nor anything similar. I provide you with my perspective based on what I am so you gain understanding and know what to expect.

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  7. Hello HG.
    I do not think that my therapist would have realized that I had been involved with a narcissist. When I began I knew what my ex was because you confirmed everything that she was and what had happened to me.
    As you know she was slow to understanding what I was going through but with your work she as learned along with me.
    Thank goodness for you.

    I wonder how many people walk into counseling and never get the help and understanding that they are looking for.

    Do you hear the word narcissist anywhere in the media or print over in the U.K.?

    There is a makeup palette that is coming out with “Are you a Narcissist” printed on the mirror when it is opened.
    It proves what the general population thinks of that word.
    Tempting to send that to my ex.

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    1. You are welcome SW. Quite a number I imagine based on the responses I have seen.

      It gets mentioned here and is usually used to mean someone who loves themselves rather than any true appreciation of what it actually means.

      Your makeup palette is a prime example of the mind set.

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    2. Same in Germany, SW. Narcissism is perceived as being in love with one self or egoistical. Had an ugly discussion with someone who wants to become a therapist because he thinks he just needs to talk to people, just asking some questions, and that he was so great at this. He said he doesn’t believe that many people who claim to have been abused really had been. And he also thought that narcissists are just a bit egoistical.
      Please do send that make-up palette to your ex!! 🙂
      Oh, I must have one, too.
      But yes, it’s pretty cynical to create a product with such a print.

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      1. Hi Ava!
        When I hear it casually mentioned it makes me a little angry because they have no idea what that word has done to my life. It will be with me forever.

        If I was still dancing with my ex I would send it but I can’t take the chance. It will start the games all over again. And I don’t want in her spheres.
        But I like the idea. 😉

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      2. I absolutely understand that, Snow White! I makes me angry, too. It’s also like talking to a wall, when trying to explain, and I feel so … alone, or cut off from others. That’s why it is so important to me to have you all here. 🙂 <3

        And she would know for sure that it would be coming from you?

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    3. Snow,
      For my anniversary I got Nars cheek palettes. Says NARSissist on the cases. I also got, FLY London boots, A tin of tea, shortbread in Scottie shapes and HG Tudor books, think my husband knows where my heads at?

      The makeup of course is greater than any other makeup….lol!

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      1. Ohhhh ABB!!!
        What a nice anniversary you had. Your husband did a great job. That is quite a British collection. Lol🇬🇧
        Those makeup palettes are beautiful. My daughter has been sending me screenshots of their NARSissist collection. She thinks it’s hilarious but I also know she wants me to buy them. Lol
        I just might because that was projection at its best when my ex said blasted on FB that I was a narcissist. I can laugh at that now because it’s sooo ridiculous.
        Did you get to wear your new makeup and boots and go out on the town?

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      2. Of course my dear. Boots are red just like your apples🍎Wore ’em to Red Hot Chili Peppers.
        Love how they project the N word. I’ve been labeled that by my Mother since I was 12. That’s when I was informed that all women in our family, except her, were “Complete Narcissists”. Hmmm. Takes one to know one MOM!

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      3. ABB,
        I LOVE a pair of red boots!!! Or really any kind of shoe, sandal, or boot. Lol

        I bet you were dancing the night away!!!

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  8. Gotta just love all the online (self proclaimed) experts. With exception to you HG. Your insights and brutal writings hit the mark …thus accelerating progress in order to accept reality and move forward. Before finding your site …I too was blown away by the (dangerous) advice given on social media. I was banned for posting a meme “Her vagina could be a check-in on Facebook”. Please NO offense ladies! Was in a mood at the time long ago.

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      1. Do you think she has severe stress symptoms and C-PTSD by now and will need to change her diet soon, too? This isn’t meant as cynical as it sounds. I was wondering if you shouldn’t in fact be interested in our life style changes (including gluten free brownies) which have become a necessity because of abuse. ?

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      2. I didnt ask you if you had a primary source…i asked you if you were seeing someone special. Can you refer to her as your special someone? Say it! 😉

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  9. Excellent read .. have read this piece before .. the more I read though the more I find narcissism and behaviour of victims contradictory .. it confuses me eg I read somewhere that if you are withdrawn and have low self asteeem this is a key sign of narcissism and dangerous tendencies to have .. then on the other hand if you do have said symptoms you are on the receiving end of abuse .. confuses me ?!? Also just to add .. you have said you don’t have empathy hg.. I beg to differ .. infact whether fabricated or not we as humans narcissist or not can not help but to have elements of “empathy” / giving a shit call it what you like but it seems the more attached we become to someone or get to know them the less we want to know / get to know ?!? Many issues being discussed here .. it is indeed a very complex subject / human behaviour .. I often feel I can’t hurt no more and make my world so small that not involved in much drama etc feel ok till someone else voices their opinion / negative of course then cue tears 😭 lots of them in most inconvenient of places ..

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    1. I think the assumption that if you are withdrawn you must be a narcissist comes from the worldview of Christian morality, not psychology. It assumes that if you are not sharing and caring alike, you must be self-obsessed and self-absorbed. There is no, or little psychology in this assumption, which is purely a moral one.

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  10. Yes! I was lucky to find a group for narcissistic abuse survivors and avoided that nonsense. I will drop links on “normal” relationship sites when I see that kind of advice being given when clearly the person is dealing with a narcissist or sociopath. I have directed many here. The truth hurts but it is cathartic as well. One group forbade things from this site to be posted which I felt was ridiculous and I left the group as a result. I try to help others using the tools I have used to heal and learn and this site has been invaluable in that. Thanks again, HG for a great article pointing out societal issues that need addressing.

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  11. Great advice, HG. The knowledge you provide on this blog and in your books is much more valuable than the one coming from self-proclaimed “experts” on narcissism. I truly appreciate your time and work. Thank you!

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  12. HG

    This is a superb article.
    Anyone knows that if they have followed any of these bits of advice on those type of sites that they didnt help.. and everything continues and the suffering goes on and on.
    Thank you for the clarity that you provide here, and also in your videos and books👍
    So many answers in this article alone for newbies to narcissism and who are entangled up to their necks and not knowing what the hell is happening!

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  13. Another one for the archives: I am looking in the mirror now and I see someone special. Anyway I wanted to just elaborate from my perspective about therapists and narcissism. The guy I was seeing whom I posted about on V Day, Lord N’Oscars, was actually referred to as a narcissistic by the psychiatrist I was seeing at the time who had absolutely no advice as to what to actually do about this dick. The point I want to make here is that even when therapists are aware you are entangled with a narc they have no problem never helping you solve the problem because your being left in continual limbo means that their BMW six series will definitely get paid off.

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  14. Interesting read HG. Did you however, comment on any of those sites to put the record straight? Im sure it would help thousands of people if you have. Im guessing…….yeah?

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  15. So, HG, I have never posted here before… New reader. Much like several of the people here, I just left an emotionally abusive relationship and I’m exploring the possibility that he was a narcissist. As I read this and other blog posts, I wonder, do you think most narcissists actually know what they are? So much of the behavior fits as I look back at my relationship, but I struggle with the intentionality of the damage he did. The effect was the same, but do narcissists really believe that they are “in love”? Do they… Did you… Convince yourselves that you had noble intentions, honest love, etc?

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    1. Welcome on board Grace, no they do not know what they are. Greater are very rare, the bulk of our brethren are Mid Range and Lesser. yes they do believe they are in love as did I.

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  16. HG can you answer this please:
    I got entrapped by one of your kind. I found out he had a fiance and baby, he never told me. I told him to get packing . I use to be very concerned that he could be abusing his fiancee and child which as an empath plays on heart strings as someone being hurt is not nice from a normal persons perspective. Anyway I am now much stronger following being driven to a near death experience. I have found me and like you now I love me lol! I believe in myself for the first time ever and I don’t really care what people think of me as long as I am polite. In a way this awful relationship has made me complete and happy. I know his fiance and baby are not my problem and now realise I cannot help anyone in life but myself. It would be interesting to know the answer from a person ofor your kind. Thanks.

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  17. Dear Mr Tudor , Most of your readers I believe are people who are seeking help and trying to understand what happened to them , a victims of narcisstist abuse.And you are one of THEM, you lack empathy and compassion. Therefore, do you view your readers as a pathetic, worthless, naive people , idiots who can only blame themselves for what happened? Please advise.

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  18. This article is so on point. I was reading all these “relationship expert” books and websites when things were getting on. HG have you read ‘the Rules?’ It seems that playing hard-to-get does not work well for attracting a narcissist. He seemed happier if I was chasing him. But it does seem to work to camouflage codependency enough to confuse the narc a little. MIne didn’t give up but I think my feigned disinterest in the beginning made him think I did not have the traits that would qualify me as an excellent primary source, thus keeping me as a shelf IPSS and just putting up with my occasional challenges. What do you experience when a target plays hard-to-get? What about a mid-range or lesser?

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    1. Hello Tiffani, no I have not and did not know what it was until somebody mentioned it over a year ago or so. I suspect it contains considerable misunderstandings particularly when it comes to engagement with us.

      It depends on fuel levels but in general terms it makes their eventual conquering all the more entertaining and the game is raised to achieve that.
      A Mid-Ranger will continue to pursue but if no headway it made after some time they will break off.
      A Lesser will break off sooner and find an alternative target instead.

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