The doormat. There it lies with a pleasant greeting of “welcome home” emblazoned upon it and all it gets is routinely overlooked and trampled on, but it never flinches, it never backs away from performing its function. Many of our victims find themselves regarded as doormats by our kind. Not only is this evidenced by the way that we regard you but it is also as a consequence of the way that we treat you. It is not those factors alone however that cause me to ascribe the label of Doormat to a particular appliance. Much of it comes from the thinking, attitude and mind set of the relevant victim. I have mentioned my sister, Rachael previously. Whereas I trod the path that has led me to where I am today, Rachael found herself becoming a doormat. She was routinely trampled on by all the members of our family and I watched and observed as we grew older as to how this manifested. As time progressed and with the increasing awareness that I have obtained, allied with the observations of the good doctors, I identified certain characteristics that she has which I have also seen in those who have been my primary source victims. I have concluded that whilst numerous of these victims have come close to being doormats, only three have actually achieved that status along with my sister.
Now, it is a mistake to think that a doormat would be regarded as weak. Naturally my kind think this but that is part of our mechanism for maintaining our superiority by pouring scorn on your traits and how they lead you to be treated. Those who are doormats exhibit a different kind of strength. They are weak in that they fail to assert themselves with sufficient emphasis to enable them to escape the worst of out treatment, but they possess a strength by virtue of those characteristics. To be able to have those characteristics and keep them, whilst being abused, ignored, trampled on and taken for granted, is perversely a form of strength and one which we welcome. We want appliances that will keep functioning, obeying us, pouring out the fuel and complying, without breaking down and malfunctioning the first time matters become rough. Finding a doormat amongst our victims is gratifying because it means that this person will not depart us, they have no desire to do so. It goes further however because they wish to stay not only for our reasons but for their own fulfilment as well. They pour fuel in our direction, remain subservient and compliant. What are the traits that constitute a doormat?
- The individual is sensitive and guilt-ridden.
- This person has learned to survive hostile environments by meeting our need for gratification. This first and foremost applies to the provision of fuel but it also goes further. The doormat will gratify us by allowing us to do what we want, recognises our need and right to do so, allows us to utilise whatever resources we see fit and caters for all of our needs in terms of fuel, trait provision and residual benefits.
- The doormat’s perception of love has become skewed. This person seeks love through the excessive accommodation of another’s needs. This may not just be us when we have attached them as a primary source to us, but in respect of other individuals. Those individuals may not be narcissistic but the doormat still wishes to accommodate the wishes of other people (something which of course irritates us and leads to conflict) because the doormat regards his or her role as one of accommodating everybody because then that means that they will be loved.
- The doormat simply gives too much. They do not take. They give of themselves on every level, from their emotions, their dedication, their time, their energy, their thoughts and their resources. They are impressively resourced in these matters and appear to have almost limitless time, energy etc. although eventually it becomes evident that they have not.
- The doormat does not feel safe unless he or she gives. If they perceive that they are taking they feel alarm and distress. If they are neither giving or taking they feel restless and out of their comfort zone. The need to provide and to give allows them to fulfil their role and in turns embodies a sense of safety for them. Once they begin to feel safe they will continue to give in order to remain in this safe place. This is why the doormat is drawn to our kind because we are takers and do so on a vast scale. We are made for the doormat and even though the doormat may not know what we are, their coupling with us, provides them with an innate sense of safety and security.
- The doormat must meet the emotional needs of the narcissist. We are empty. We are voids and your emotional attention, your fuel, needs to be poured into us. The doormat feels a need to ensure that those excessive emotional needs are met (although fails to realise that this can never be achieved) and therefore remains hooked and beholden to us in as the doormat tries to achieve the impossible. I have watched my sister continue to do this with Matrinarc.
- The doormat suffers low self-esteem but this is boosted by the success of the narcissist. My victims who were doormats found that their self-esteem was increased by my achievements and my accomplishments. I watched my sister gather her self-esteem from being linked to the achievements of MatriNarc, my father and me. This is a curious behaviour and is not unlike our stealing of traits from those around us in order to add them to our construct and in turn make us look better and more attractive. The doormat does not acquire the traits of our success but the fact we are successful and they are linked with us results in their self-esteem being increased.
- The doormat has a high tolerance to emotional abuse. The lashing out through heated fury and cold fury from our kind against the doormat causes the doormat to realise that the emotional need of our kind has increased. This signals to them that they must leap into action. They have a call of duty and rather than find the emotional abuse debilitating (at least at first) they regard it as a useful signal for them to do something in order to cater for it. However, all the doormat is doing is allowing a pressure to build up of this repeated emotional abuse. The doormat can tolerate it for longer than a standard victim but then there comes a point where the threshold is reached, the pressure can no longer be sustained and withheld and at that point there is a substantial and serious damaging effect on the doormat from the release of this pressure.
- The doormat feels guilt when catering for his or her needs and therefore almost in a masochistic way will place themselves in the firing line once again with our kind in order to assuage this guilt.
- The doormat feels undeserving of being loved. They want to be loved for what they do, rather than for what they are. They regard themselves of fundamentally unworthy of love save when they are carrying out their role. With my sister I saw this with both my father and mother. My father emphasised how it was important to help others and my sister saw that as a clear signal to flagellate herself in catering to the needs of others and especially our kind. My sister also explained to me that in respect of MatriNarc that she never says that she is happy but that my sister knew MatriNarc was happy with her because of how my sister felt, namely devoid of guilt and valued because of her excessive giving. I regarded her thinking as deluded but I did not correct it, because it served my purposes as well.
33 thoughts on “The Doormat”
Interesting. I asked once if someone felt their self worth might be tied to the success and favorable traits of their Narc as you suggest in # 7 and they went batshit. Guess it has more weight coming from a charming dude, which is what gets them into this mess in the first place.
#7 is particularly intriguing.
I live my life fascinated and intrigued. Ha ha.
But what do i do with it ? 🙂
Very insightful! 10 checks for my pre-midlife self.
Not sure how you do that?
Sometimes I wonder if HG Tudor is a persona fabricated by an expert psychologist who wants to explore the topic and sell books?
In addition to that list, I would also buffer for the children- protect them from Voldemort (the narc) in various ways- absorb barbs, control, rage, pain myself so it would not assault them. The watershed came when the son most resembling him became a teen and the narc rage was so focused and destructive toward him that he was hospitalized for suicidal ideation.
I gave Voldemort an ultimatum- get counseling and change his MO with the children or I’m leaving with them. He got “counseling” with the pastor- Ha! What. A. Joke! Worse than nothing. Just validated his narcissistic self-righteousness and entitlement. We now live safely 500 miles away from him.
Good for you HG for having excellent counselors! How did you wind up in counseling?
No I am not a psychologist but i will take that as a compliment.
I was railroaded into it by family in order to address my apparent behaviours and I agreed on the basis of securing some aims of my own which I have mentioned many times before.
When I linked to one of your blogs on FB, some were speculating that you might be criminal. A criminal would not have the freedom for this.
Do family members follow and post?
Have your counselors not enlightened the family that counseling will not help someone who does not believe he needs to grow?
Do you mean that I am imprisoned? No I am not. Only stupid people go to prison. You are correct, if I was in prison, I could not be able to do this.
No family members follow or post.
I do not know the content of the discussions that have taken place between the good doctors and the relevant family members. If that has been said to them, they have not alerted me to it.
Of course you would not have such freedom if you were imprisoned HG. But whoever twisted your arm into therapy must have some pretty strong leverage. You don’t have children (from another thread) so I’m mystified as to who could have so much power over you.
I sincerely hope that it helps! If your therapists figure out an angle that works, it will revolutionize the field.
I’d like to know how to find a good therapist that really has the experience and knowledge of what happens when you’ve experienced the trauma of a Narc. How to deal with the aftermath and how it’s altered your mind. So many claim to know this but clearly from my experience from therapist to NeuroPsych none of them has a clue. Very frustrating.
Doormat? Maybe… Taken for granted? For sure… but I never considered myself to have low self esteem…hm… and back then my self esteem was not boosted either by the success or achievements of my succesful ex N, although I was happy and proud when he took his career to the next level… (back then and before all hell broke loose) out of a feeling of love and admiration, not because I lacked self esteem…
Low self-esteem was the hardest for me to admit. I confused it with self confidence. What I have learned is that people with any self-esteem do not get involved with narcissists. Seriously think about how life consuming a narcissist is. Willing to completely sacrifice your being/soul to someone who is using you and treats you less than human is not something a healthy person does.
Empaths just need to be better at setting boundaries and not do everything ‘in the name of love’… there definitely is a checklist now that has to be met before I engage in any relationship from here on out, but suggesting we’re ‘unhealthy’ people because we simply loved someone is a mindfuckery of its own.
But in the beginning when you know nothing of the mask and what’s behind it you don’t realize the Narc. The love bombing and the phone calls and incessant texting all adoring of you blinds you. Actually all red flags. If I had only known. My dad said if it seems to good to be true it probably is. Those words didn’t resonate with me until years later.
Super Empath Doormat. That was me. Still empathetic, but no longer a door mat. He broke me of that. He always told me how strong I was, then in the next breath said something to tear me down. I learned the hard way about the holes that let him inside. Never will happen again. I survived pure evil.
They don’t care about breaking you. They drink it like an elixir. You did survive pure evil. I did too but I no longer look at the world the same way and I no longer feel good about myself as a result of not having been keener and falling for the slug. Don’t be confused. I don’t miss him at all. I miss myself. I feel like I suffered a soul death. How do you get out from under that? I described it in another post like being under a heavy dark cloak. 2 years I was fooled by him. Then the mask dropped and it took me 1 year of trying. A short stint of couples counseling which exposed himself to me even further but not the therapist. 6 years of finding my way out. I looked all over the internet for answers and books. I finally found out about this blog yesterday when reading a review about a book on Amazon. Perhaps I can find some closure after reading here. Is closure possible?
The first step Soul Death is to understand and you have come to exactly the right place to achieve that.
HG, I put a new icon picture up of my 👄 mouth. Is it okay?
Okay, I changed it.
Ha ha ha ha ha..
It’ s funny how i have been telling him for sooooo long that i shant be his doormat and punch bag anymore.. after all i have been for eons…
need a holiday..
Just pull yourself out from underneath the Narcissist’s feet so he falls on his face.
I identify with this. This post described me exactly. I dont like the word doormat though. It sounds so low and worthless
I understand how you feel, but in reality it’s absolutely true when you really think about it. And he wrote it actually takes a certain strength to be a doormat. We are not weak, but we definitely need to work on ourselves.
I think the sad part of this is that in any system, everyone can play a role. The giving person, the more dominant, the more neutral. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. But what happened in your family and mine, is that they were all exploited. Rather than valued as a contribution to a cohesive whole, to a team, each pulling in what they could, they were viewed as something to exploit and use which further isolated you all in your roles.
Wonderful! Not only am i a super empath…im codependant and now a doormat! I feel hostile. No reason to explode..ill be begging for forgiveness 2 seconds later! 😳
Exactly what I realized. Made me quite cynical of myself, which proved all three once again.
Yes mam! I know how you feel!
Noneedtoknow, but to you explode before or after the narc does? or almost simultaneously? I could never figure out who was exploding first? And yes… begging for forgiveness. Sad thing is that we explode, we ask for forgiveness for the survival of the relationship of what ever kind. they explode and leave the wedge there.
Yeah, great labels: Super empath, codependent traits, narc traits when pushed and threatened, and a doormat. What’s next?
It depends. If i have caught him in another lie and i am calling him out on it with proof in hand and continues his games/lies i explode on him and it isnt nice. I dont always think bfore i speak and say things that are very hurtful and then of course who is apologizing an hr later after he has left. ME! Ugh..so frustrating.
Oh but the best part is the times i dont apologize for my so called immature behavior (his words) i get double pay back. My jeep wont start the next day..i have a flat tire..my debit card magically disappears out of my wallet…oh the list goes on and on…but sarabella its not him! How dare i accuse my loving husband for doing any of this to me. His famous last words “PROVE IT”. Grrrrrr
Omg. I feel so bad for you. Maddening. What makes you stay?
I don’t know. I wish I could understand all of this. I’m having a very hard time wrapping my mind around it all. It is hard for me to believe people like this actually exist and im married to 1. I feel like i should be in a lifetime movie. Today is day 6..the longest I have ever gone without speaking to him. He texted me last night and I did not respond. I guess this is what HG calls Hovering? Not responding to him is very hard! I’m trying to stay strong and not break!
The only way u will not break is no contact. I’m so sorry for you that you won the unfortunate lottery of narcissist ensnarement.. i mean of all the millions of people…. u hit the narcissist jackpot. Let the sarcasm reign. Idk how long you have been in. It only gets worse, Never better…. and yes… there are these types of textbook evil people in the world and you were lucky enough to find 1. I’m so sorry. Your life is forever changed. Though it doesn’t have to be for the worse…. but you have to take necessary steps to ensure that. Like no contact. Every step away from him is a step in the right direction…let the chips fall where they may.
You well be ok. But with him…u won’t. U never will be ok…unless u think a broken, defeated person in body and spirit, constantly abused is ok. If so, then stay.
Learn. Grow. Expand your worldview of good and evil. And be an overcomer. You can do it. Don’t let your kids think this is normal. It’s not. If u don’t break through and give them a contrast…. that will think this is normal and the curse will continue.
Find freedom. God is with you.
Wow! Thank you! My eyes are watering and i have a lump in my throat..holding back the tears bcuz I’m at work. ❤💜
7 yrs together… Married 5. Sweet baby Jesus HG where was all of this wonderful information Dec 9, 2009? A week after I met him and now looking back geeezzzzzz 5000 red flags slapping me across my face!!! Ugh!!!