Just The Way It Is

just-the-way-it-is

By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream along and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.

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26 thoughts on “Just The Way It Is”

  1. Yet, True Love does not grow weary of its beloved because True Love is more than just an ice cream flavor. The more I read these articles, the more I am comprehending so many things. Without real love in the equation, everything becomes so meaningless, unemotional, and mechanical.

    Thank you, HG; you make it so much easier for me to see through the Narcissists’ darkness. Your articles are a blessing. 💜

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  2. The Power -by Snap immediately came to mind. Classic Song for Classic Narc Moves. They are the lyrical Jesse James. Aahhh the bad old days.. *sighs*

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  3. Your analogy is so insightful and helpful to me coming from your perspective as one who ackowledges to have NPD. I appreciate your effort to educate. I purchased your book Sitting Target and look forward to learning more. My question to you is not really relative to this post but I will ask anyway. Do you feel you ever really emotionally “knew” your spouse? I was married for 27 years…I know my ex learned enough about me to push my buttons so to speak…but in retrospect and after learning about NPD…my heart tells me that he never really knew who I was.

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  4. Great writing! Your words are so eloquent. I believe us “empaths”have to also face our own dark truths as well , which is, yes we provide ” fuel” for the narcissist, but he in turn provides it for us as well. Those golden moments after the discard, when we allow ourselves to be taken back in, feeds our narcissistic tendencies as well. We feel special and important and good enough.. for awhile. It’s only until we find our own self worth with within ourselves, when we no longer seek approval from the narcissist, when our identity is our own and not his.. can we truly move on and heal. Thank u again HG:)

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  5. Maybe you should stop focusing on an ice cream and pay attention to the gelato maker;)

    About the second thought, making another look bad makes one look good in comparison but being proud of someone instead makes one greater… it all depends from the perspective… I’ve always thought praising someone said more good about the praiser than the praised, the same as denigrating another, normally it says worse about the critic than the criticised.

    Thank you for another wonderful post. You made me hungry.

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  6. On average how long does it take before strawberry ice cream is not the favorite?
    What’s the longest you have just had strawberry ice cream before wanting vanilla?

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  7. This is truly amazing HG. I as a normal am understanding the dynamics of your kind now. I can remember being so wounded that I was not loved. I now can actually see its not about me, it’s just the way it is. Nothing personal. You get a victim you go for it for supply. So glad I don’t have those traits but I suppose you don’t chose them, or do you? Could you have become codependent rather than what you are or do you not have a choice. Help me to understand this HG.

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  8. You get bored so easily, and cannot remain faithful, because you do not love her. Whatever time you spend with her, whatever you do as a couple is a CHORE to you! You only do it for fuel.

    Why would you not save yourself all the pretending, and tell her what will await her? The ones who cannot tolerate that will run in horror, and the commitment phobic among the empaths will love you forever. Win-win.

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    1. Because most of our kind do not know what they are and therefore would not consider what is awaiting the victim.
      Those of us who know still hope you will be The One.

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      1. True, HG, they do not know, but you do.

        In your eyes, The One needs to be someone who arranges her life entirely around your needs, who gives positive fuel of the highest potency at all times, endures the abuse when you need negative fuel as the positive becomes stale, and remains loving, devoted and resilient despite your malice and contempt.

        Would *you* accept such treatment? Surely not. Then, do not expect her to do so, because she would not either!

        How can anyone be The One to someone like you? It is not humanly possible. I hope that you will find her, as empaths love to see a Happy End… but with your current mindset, you will absolutely mess it up! You need to downsize your ego and sense of entitlement, and meet her halfway. You need to learn to trust and to share.

        You can kick and scream as much as you like, but there is no way around this. So, get over yourself for the greater good, and get going, for you are not getting any younger! Tick-tock, tick-tock 😀

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  9. Hi HG. Another great analogy. I had a 6 year “relationship” with my greater narc then went 20 years without speaking a word. Then I contacted him because I had romanticized the golden period and minimized the devaluation. Much like your ice cream. You go back to it because you forget how much you hated it and how it failed you. This time it lasted 4 years before discard. In your blog Irresistible you write about how the narcissist is almost telepathically urging his ex target to make contact. My question is this…can’t the subconscious urging for us to make contact with the narcissist go on forever instead of an actual hoover taking place?

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  10. Overwhelming to say the least. Always chasing the high. Reminds me of friends I know that freebased and in chasing the high, cost them everything.

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  11. I can’t think of much worse than weed killer sprayed in my garden. My garden represents a lot about me. That unexpected contrast given by the narc is so very hateful and you are standing there like “this guy is two different people!”

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  12. A lad I knew at school told his mother he loved beans on toast. For some reason she ended up making it every night for him. (Who does that) He later told me how he couldnt stand beans on toast anymore and he said he never wanted them again.
    No surprise there then.

    Balance in all things is key.
    I always say too much of a good thing is bad..
    (I dont mean the beans on toast are great but hey..)

    Balance is the key in anything.
    A perpetual high cant be sustained at the very top..
    Life and loves have ebbs and flows like the waves on the sea.
    Discarding at every dip, in whatever it may be, without accepting the next crest of the wave is imminent, is always going to be a defeat.

    Ride the waves and dont keep deliberately jumping off of the surfboard.
    Are you pushed or do you jump… to be fair …its jump.
    If only biding a while would help you.. the crests of the waves keep coming you know.

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  13. Yes, seeking new, improved, more intense or just plain different. I understand bordem, impulsively seeking gratification quickly. I show it some parts of my life and manage it by recognizing this is my tendency. It’s not all pervasive in all parts of my life. For example, I’m a food explorer and love different. I also love exploring different ideas and concepts and am easily bordem by books that repeat similar messages over and over and thusly flip thru quickly for new. I used to be like this in various sensations and even in certain aspects of relationships. I’ve come to realize that the deeper I go in a relationship, the new continues, just a different areas I never knew. This is how soul mates can suddenly feel like strangers, sometimes in a good way, sometimes in an alarming way. Thus the brain of a woman with true ADHD.

    Just a thought.

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  14. The news in the states spoke of two countries and leaders mirroring each other. Please remove the fun house mirror it’s starting to get scary, nothing is more frightening then 2 overt, lesser , somatic narcs running the whole world. I say the world because we lead and it’s interesting to watch her and others justify this behavior. It’s all fun in the fun house until it’s not.

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