There are times when the hatred, the vitriol and the malice can no longer be contained. They must be unleashed. Most often, this occurs as a consequence of the ignition of fury which arises as a response to the wounding which happens because we have been criticised. The ignited fury may, with those of us with greater control thresholds, be kept under control, especially if we are mindful of the impact it may have upon the facade. Sometimes, we cannot exert that control and heated or cold fury erupts from us, seeking to provoke a reaction from you and others which will draw fuel and in turn address the wound so the fury in time abates.

Then there are the times when there is a need to spread hurt, cause pain, to shock and to lash out.

It is not an uncontrolled and haphazard spewing forth of hatred, a dervish that lashes out at all around him or her, drawing looks of horror, hurt and annoyance. Such a frenzied response is one associated with the loss of control which occurs through the ignition of fury. This is a calculated exercise in drawing negative fuel for the purposes of letting this awful and treacherous world and its traitorous minions know that there is a blazing hatred at our core, a permanent state of malicious and venomous antipathy for everybody around us. We have no interest in donning a mask of charm or magnetism. There is no desire to present a facade on such occasions. Our seething, savage malcontent must emerge and be branded on all those who are unfortunate enough to cross our path.

It may start at any point in the day. It may be that on wakening we feel it there, the corrosive taint of malice which has to be allowed to surface. We may, in less experienced times, have thought that the provision of positive fuel would cause this sensation to lessen and to vanish, but it does not. For some reason, some deep and dark reason, only negative fuel will suffice. I have experienced this on several occasions. I now recognise it. It is the desire to destroy, to hurt, to maim and I know that until such time as I have drunk deep of the negative fuel that flows from such actions, I will not be able to stop and cause this sensation to vanish. I can feel it inside of me – it is not fury, but rather a visceral and powerful hatred for everything and everyone. A bilious sensation sat in my core and I must obey it. It is allied to the ever present hunger for fuel, but only negative will do. It is as if some ancient wrong can only ever be reconciled through the application of repeated wrongs, as if that historic crime has to be repeated and replicated in the here and now and in so doing, by giving it such an exposure and airing, release is achieved.

Something wicked from way back when must be allowed to manifest now.

And so the day is one of vicious behaviours. The morning greeting from the neighbour is met with an instruction to him to “get fucked” or to invite him to keep an eye on that “whore of his wife and her afternoon visitors”. His shocked response is seen from peripheral vision, the first drops of negative fuel trickling my way as I march to my vehicle ย and enter it. The cocooning effect of the magnificent car does nothing to remove the malice. On the drive to the office, those talking on the radio are routinely lambasted for the idiocy – they cannot hear me but it does not matter – they must still be told. The window is lowered and a pair of young women walking along the road are shouted at, the single insult of “sluts” trailing after me as I drive past. The cyclist is pilloried for being a “latex clad wanker”, the person waiting at the zebra crossing jumps back as I fail to yield to them and give them the finger as I sail by.

Sat in idling traffic I endeavour to catch the eye of the driver behind or in front and goad them with hand gestures.

“Come on, come on, get out,” I hiss to myself, hoping they will emerge from their vehicle and challenge me. Just do it, give me the provocation I am looking for and I can unleash yet more of this malice which is surging through me. Today they perhaps see what glints in my darkened eyes and do no more than retaliate with their own gestures before the traffic moves on and we become separated.

The barista in theย cafe asks for my order and my name in that ridiculous manner of theirs. All I want is tea, not some imported affectation of a grand ho cho or some ridiculous coffee which is whipped, flavoured, syrup and sprinkled. I give the name “Farquhar” and say it in a tone which tells him that if he dares, if he fucking dares to ask me how to spell that name I will seize several of these over-priced muffins in the display and force them into his spluttering mouth one by one. He does not ask and his cake choking is avoided.

Of course when the beverage arrives, I see “Farkwar” daubed in the hand-writing of a five year old on the side. I lift the cup and speak,

“Excuse me,” I say coolly. The barista turns and looks at me. Already hesitation is gripping him.

“Yes?” he asks.

“Are you some kind of epsilon semi-moron.” I say. Although it should be a question, it sounds more like a statement as I point at the scrawl on the cup. He says nothing, unsure of what to say and what I will do.

“Is that wrong? I’m sorry,” he offers.

I hold his gaze, my dark glare boring into him as I contemplate setting alight his extensive beard. He looks away at the floor within a couple of seconds. I know everybody else in this store is looking at me. Good.

I shake my head.

“You should have tried harder at school you fucking quarter wit,” I announce and turn, shoving past those behind me. There are no protests.

And so it goes. The receptionist is told she looks slovenly when I enter the office. The office junior is snarled at to get out of the way. I find fault with everything that those working for me do. I draw tears from one annihilated associate as I subject him to a five minute tirade as to the inadequacies of his report, banishing him from my room as if exiling him from my kingdom. He is the third person who has entered my office and been subjected to my malice and it is not even mid-morning.

My secretary pokes her head around the door.

“Is everything okay?” she asks.

I pause and look up from my computer and apply the charm of the smile.

“Absolutely great. Could not be better. First class. Tip top. Superb.” I confirm as I reel off a range of synonyms for all being well. Most will be branded with my malice today but not her. She is a loyal Lieutenant and this time she is exempt, besides, what better way to really mess with the heads of those beneath me is to have my secretary say,

“He was fine with me,” if they come crawling back trying to ascertain what is wrong.

E-mails receive curt replies. Those who telephone are subjected to a savage dissection of their proposal which leaves them speechless. Instructions are barked, injunctions issued and idiots torn apart. The malice remains, powering the nasty and unpleasant behaviours but never surging out of control. It is as if this malice recognises that it does some good to put some stick about, to let people know that they have to earn my grace and favour, that they ought to be on their toes, alert and mindful that their elevated position can be removed in an instant. Few ever challenge, most retreat horrified, alarmed and hurt. Those that do fight back but they are then subjected to fiercer malice as they are intimidated until they break away, muttering and still hurling insults. It matters not, it is all negative fuel.

In another place this malice would have manifested through the application of physical violence. The punches and kicks traded with those stroppy waxwork faces as part of the understanding that this is what happens in such an arena. In another place again, this malice would surface through the cruelty and humiliation of the one supposedly closest to me in the most intimate of settings. In yet another place, this malice would appear as the event wrecking ball, leaving nothing standing.

But today it happens in this place and this means that verbal abuse, insults, savage tongue, baleful glare and acidic responses are the appropriate ways in which the malice makes itself felt and draws of the negative fuel.

Some who are the recipients are strangers and our paths will not cross again. Others may regard me warily until the usual charm appears and they are put at ease. Most know better than to make it appear on another day through the ignition of fury. Occasionally there are those who will take it further. A demand for an apology, a raised grievance through formal channels and even a complaint to the authorities. In those rare instances the matter is dealt with through the restoration of persuasion and magnetism. A reward is offered to avoid the issue, charm negates the challenge or even a supposedly heart-felt apology is provided. They are, after all, just words and of course the relief, pleasure and gratitude espoused by the other person is all positive fuel, welcomed on the alternative occasion. There is not one who has been on the receiving end of the malice who cannot be brought back into line once again. All people have a price.

When this malice appears in this form, the entrenched and ancient right exercising its need to be aired, after a day of caustic comments, vicious volleys and sarcastic smiles, with the negative fuel swallowed up, I return and there is a beneficiary of all this vitriol. Having allowed the malice to be known, to let it stretch its legs and flex its muscles, it retreats, for now and as I arrive at your house or return to ours, you receive the positive side of this contrast for once. Even if you, as primary source, are being devalued, you will be given a sudden respite and the resurrection of the golden period. Your surprise and delight at its return brings forth the positive fuel in significant quantities and it washes over me, replacing the now receded malice. Your positive fuel is now required and thus the devaluation is halted as you are seen as a sanctuary of delight compared to those who have annoyed, irritated and crossed me during the day. It may not last long, but for today at least, the malice was given vent and now you benefit from its sustained application.

Even when I am malicious, I am good.

83 thoughts on “Malice

  1. Lou says:

    HG, could these episodes of malice be triggered by some injustice you witness in your present adult life and that awaken the rage and hatred you felt as a child for the wrongs that were done to you?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I see that as entirely feasible Lou.

  2. mistynolan01 says:

    I just listened to the audio version and my reaction to your litany lets me further know that I’m such a super fucking empath it’s ridiculous. I just laughed and laughed throughout as I pictured myself (as a tertiary source) in reaction to the malice — grabbing my pearls as I raise my eyebrows and give you a look that suggests that I think your behavior is reminiscent of a giant toddler! ๐Ÿ˜‚

    Yes, I did that to an attorney for whom I worked when he, as the educated lesser that I’m sure he was, gave me a face full of his malice. I could hardly contain my laughter — and he knew it! Last time that fucker screamed in my face. How dare he, when I got nothing from him but the fair exchange of a paycheck for a job well done, which better well not be accompanied by a side dish of his freaking crazy.


    As a primary source, as time went on, I knew when ex narc was in a malicious mood and I’d give him wide berth. Having witnessed him dishing it to others full blast, I didn’t want even a taste. Better to wait and have a taste of something more delicious. ๐Ÿ‘„


  3. Is there anything that can scare or shock a great narc in the midst of his rage and make him think twice? When I was a child, my reaction to my dad hitting me and pushing me to the ground scared him and stopped him in his tracks. Something snapped in me and when I got up I felt this fire in me and I stared him down and started walking towards him. I saw the look of fear on his face and he could barley speak. He never hit me again and my mom escaped soon after that.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Are you sure is is/was a Greater?

      1. I’m not sure. I’m just going on the stories my mom told me about how they met, the extreme sweeping off of her feet, fast marriage, and the horrible things he did to her and how they are very similar to what I went through/going through.

    2. NarcAngel says:


      Do you think he may just have had a fleeting thought of how the result could hurt his facade and not a conscience thought that what he was doing was wrong? Lesser StepNarc in one of his violent episodes (which HG advises is not usually the hallmark of a Greater), was looming over my Mother screaming. She backed herself into a chair and had an anxiety attack while clutching her chest. He thought she was having a heart attack and scteamed at her: Dont you dare fkg die WHILE IM HERE! Wasnt a revelation that what he was doing was wrong-just a concern about the consequences for him and having the cause of the incident exposed. He never care before but she was getting up there in age so it was possible in his mind. They were not even living together at the time. It was as always-all about him.

      1. NarcAngel says:


  4. well this would explain why my ex-husband was constantly watching violent graphic fighting or murder videos on worldstar. He was always on his phone already keeping in contact with his whores and other fuel sources but in between texting them he was watching those violent videos. Always quick with a temper and ready to fight someone over the smallest stupidest thing at work, at the kids games, with me, etc. I don’t know if you can answer this and this may be beyond you. But my husband had so much negative energy he had spirits attached to him. I know how that sounds and I didn’t want to believe it myself. I’ve always been sensitive to spiritual things, more so as a child and it mellowed out in adulthood but I could still sense things. After confiding in him after experiencing some crazy things in the house, he admitted to me that he knows about the spirits, they are around him all the time and he was waiting for me to say something to him. Have you encountered any other narcs with attachments?

  5. bethany7337 says:

    Empaths can literally feel this malice before it strikes and some of us “hear” it in the form of a low grade growl or hiss and “see” it in the form of shape shifting, glowing eyes and other sixth sense abilities.

  6. Reblogged this on Loves Illusion…… and commented:
    Hmmmmm… perfect timing!

  7. HG,
    I thought on this and it reminded me….WARNING:Testimonial ahead!
    My Father used to get in physical fights alot. He taught me the same. When I was 12 he drove me to a fight with the toughest girl in school. As the whole school was there, he said ABB go kick her ass. You are a Black, don’t let down our reputation of being fighters. The fighting commenced and I beat the shit out of that girl. Nowadays he’d be arrested for making me do that. I got in many many fistfights. Then as I got older I had that rage like a time bomb. I would lash out for no reason. I seen my Dad pull over the car and jump out and sucker punch people. I seen him run people off the road. I seen him hit a person with a beer bottle at a baseball game. He was in the law profession, completely ironic. I copied that behavior. I think about how out of control I was inside and just had to get it out. I once bashed a girls head into the cement and pulled her earring out whilst ripping her earlobe in two. I’m not proud of those things. I hurt those people. I guess i write this stuff here now because I see how effed up the people who abused me were. To parent that way and to train your kid to do those things is outrageous. To watch my Dad do that and be the hero nice guy at work was crazy. Of course at work he used fear to control people too. What he didnt get is scaring people into submission doesn’t gain respect. It just makes you a total dick. Don’t give into your hate (insert your real name here)[Star Wars, tee hee]. Throw that ticking time bomb out. Stop laying out landmines and making people dance around them. That Rage is a bitch to get rid of but, it can be dialed back. These are all suggestions that you don’t want to hear, I know. I’m sorry. I cannot help it though. I can always wish for you to….whatever, whatever….and this comment won’t see the light of day. It’s all good though. You Burger King it. I’ll be over here in a grey area. โ˜†โ™ก

    BTW, I actually broke down and bought Depeche Mode tickets. I’ll see them twice. Once for free and $1000 for the other. Concerts will soon be out of reach for people. I’ll think of you during Strangelove, that was our song. Don’t fret, Hubby Joe Black says it’s okay with him.

  8. ava101 says:

    Angels of Destruction

    Relight the stars
    The beating of hearts
    The mending of scars

    Relight the stars
    The beating of hearts
    The mending of scars…

    I’m holding on
    I wont let go
    Without a hand
    A hand to hold
    A love that’s lost won’t turn to gold
    We set a sail
    Our hopes and dreams
    A journey on an endless sea
    Your hand in mine
    We’re sailing on and on

  9. bananasareberries1 says:

    Ok, you want to have a neighbor that does not like you, fine. I just do not see a point :), it is kind of lame.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Wary of me. There is a difference.

      1. bananasareberries1 says:

        Yes, but people do not be scared of you to be wary of you.If you have power and money that is usually enough. I understand that you need to intimidate them further but that is APD/NPD problem, not a true need.

      2. Wariness keeps them on their toes. Another means to control. If they find you friendly but not trustworthy than it could go either way. This keeps them in an unknown which suits your needs as you can always fall back on good or bad behavior to throw them off. They trust you but don’t. Shift the mood with them whenever you feel like it. Leaves them off balance and fuel producing. Easy tactic.

  10. bananasareberries1 says:

    HG, Do not you think that those behaviors will get you in troubles? That you could be arrested? Or maybe you ran into those problems already. Also…hmm… your neighbors have to like you, not that you care but looks like many people may not have a good opinion about you. Those ‘bad days’ (I know this term does not reflect what it is), may expose you to the outside world to the biggest extent than you realize?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No. As I wrote, some people don’t do anything, with others the situation can be smoothed over. If I was arrested I would be able to halt the matter. Events such as there ensure people know their place.

      1. bananasareberries1 says:

        Yes, but people are not stupid, contrary to what you believe. If you give a bad impression they will always remember that.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          And that serves a purpose.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Yes, but you’re merely being placated; not respected or getting the approval you crave.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Oh I am respected believe me.

          3. Twilight/Dawn says:

            Not that this matters but is it respect of the position you hold or respect towards you?

          4. HG Tudor says:


      2. Matilda says:

        You are feared if you treat people in a malicious manner, and treated ‘well’. But you’re not genuinely respected. I wonder if you can actually *feel* the difference…

      3. Bloody Elemental says:

        Fear is important to us. It is preferred, as HG has stated numerous times.

        I concur with HG – ensuring people are wary of me suits my purpose. It keeps people on their toes. They never know what to expect and thus, it keeps them on edge, nervous, anxious, and striving to meet my approval, even though they have no idea what I will approve of at any given moment of the day.

        When I was younger, violence was a problem for me mostly because I did not know how to channel my rage and the feelings that HG describes above. I was a scrappy little thing and regularly engaged in bloodsport with school mates, my siblings, etc.

        When my father saw this, he knew steps had to be taken to show me how to control my rage and penchant for violence. So, steps were taken.

        I can control it (mostly) now, but I still get urges to do physical harm to others. I know what I am capable of. I also know that, like HG, I could manipulate the situation in my favour.

        It is imperative for us to have an outlet for the malice and hatred. Otherwise, no one is safe and nothing is redeemed.

  11. superxena says:

    Hello HG,
    This is a very accurate and clear explanation of your need for negative fuel! Now that you recognise that it is the powerful sensation of hatred that causes this need: can you find some other ways /channels for releasing this hatred? Some other ways that are more ” pro social”?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Watch this space and thanks Superxena.

  12. High Octane Fuel says:

    But your “good” is always a manipulation. Hardly “a good” at all.

  13. AH OH says:

    Yes you are!

  14. sea Shell says:

    Any one else would just realise they woke up in a bad mood or “on the wrong side of the bed” as the saying goes. The lack of overall control of these “moods”, that you refer to as something deeper, is managed on a daily basis by the rest of us. An ultimate display of emotional immaturity.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is far more than a bad mood Sea Shell. Calling it a bad mood is inaccurate.

  15. Twilight/Dawn says:

    Does the work you do help in letting this side of you out in a more controlled manner?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Twilight/Dawn says:

        Was this one reason why you chose this profession, to be able to release this malice in a controlled manner undetected to the outside as to what it was?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No I chose it because I excel at it.

          1. Twilight/Dawn says:

            I am sure you excel at all you do
            Thou the fact you can get away with releasing this side is a “good” thing and keeps it from being seen as a “bad” thing. In other words being used to bring out the best solution in a bad situation.

  16. alexis2015s says:

    Goodness HG, I just can’t imagine At all what that feels like. If I’m having a bad day, it just makes me want to protect and help people more than usual?

    I remember mine once saying after he’d had some bad news, how he sees other people as ants and he just wants to crush them all.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is more than just having a bad day Alexis.

  17. Matilda says:

    Gosh, what an image!

    Do you get triggered at times by what happened? Perhaps bits and pieces surface in your dreams without you remembering it. You would wake up with a notion that something’s wrong, something hurts, and only negative fuel will do.

    I think this particular malice has to do with the feeling of helplessness, which you felt as a child… how unfair the world treated you. You cannot go back to change the course of events, and you cannot endure such feelings in the present as this meant admitting weakness. You can only transfer them, which is why you lash out at everybody on such days.

    Where no kind word would calm the rage, the only thing that might help –you will not like to hear this– is touch in the form of (therapeutic) holding. This method has been used successfully with aggressive children. Not sure how that would play out with an adult male… but the problem is the focus here, not age.

    By the way, you have been absent for quite a while now, which is unusual. For one of your kind, this usually means that you are busy seducing a new target. If you were in trouble, your coterie would take care of you, so, no need to worry. I hope this is not an absent silent treatment to test us. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do not recall anything that specifically triggers Matilda, but you have a point that there might be something which I am not aware of. I do know that this hatred, this malice and vitriol is there and there is only one way to address it. I believe it is linked to the past but I do not know why it suddenly appears on certain days.

      The seduction of new targets occurs alongside my presence here. No it is not an absent silent treatment, there are no manipulations in this place Matilda.

      1. Matilda says:

        It most probably is linked to your past, HG, and it would be good to find out why and how the malice surfaces to manage these outbursts of hatred better.

        Dreaming is the subconscious mind’s way of dealing with life. Without it, we’d probably go completely mad. All of us dream, but not all of us can remember it. Now, that you are facing painful memories for therapy and writing purposes, you might get triggered more easily without being aware of it.

        You could start a diary documenting these particular days to look for patterns: what you dreamt if you remember upon awakening, what you were busy dealing with the day/night before, who you met with, what you ate etc.

        I know the feeling of waking up enraged. I usually know why as I remember the dream, but not always. It does not manifest in lashing out, but rather in *not* avoiding confrontations if others are inconsiderate. I have my ‘do not dare to mess with me today’-face on, my tone is assertive, and I walk with determination and fury. Works wonders ๐Ÿ™‚

        With regard to your absence on here, I would like to say that it could be interpreted as a silent treatment, which is triggering for many of us. What I have learned from my narc, first and foremost, is to focus on someone’s actions, not on their words. And while you do not owe us an explanation… and while you have been truthful on here as far as I can judge that… I would like to encourage you to be mindful of our scars. Thank you, HG.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you for your observations Matilda, I found them of interest.

        2. NarcAngel says:

          That is most interesting. I can never remember a time when I awoke angry. Something has to happen first. My first thoughts when I wake are: What day is it? and what am I to accomplish today? I have remembered dreams upon waking but put no meaning to them and forget them shortly after. Is this a common thing to awaken angry?

      2. Matilda says:


        I can only speak for myself. In times of great sorrow, I dream vividly, and sometimes violently, and awake in a state of rage. I take that as a warning sign that I need to change something in my life… luckily, I have not had a dream like that for months. ๐Ÿ™‚

      3. Matilda says:

        You’re welcome, HG.

  18. “It is as if some ancient wrong can only ever be reconciled through the application of repeated wrongs, as if that historic crime has to be repeated and replicated in the here and now and in so doing, by giving it such an exposure and airing, release is achieved.

    Something wicked from way back when must be allowed to manifest now.”

    That’s exactly what it is. An ancient curse coming from the biggest shiniest pyramid in Ancient Egypt, and the King Tottenham.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Didn’t have you down as a Spurs fan.

      1. Sunshine says:

        Are you a Spurs fan?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No chance.

      2. Sunshine says:

        Thank goodness, I was about to make a sharp exit.

      3. Sunshine says:

        Emotion detective- Tottenham Hotspur. North London premiership football (soccer) club.

        Their fans believe that the club is the noble choice of football clubs – and as a consequence, they are a better class of football fan. A load of hypocritical nonsense as far as I can tell, all premiership clubs and their fans are the same.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You were doing so well until the last sentence!

      4. Sunshine says:

        Ha ha! Well, what IS the noble choice of football club, then?!

        Blackpool?! Barcelona? Newcastle United, with the most loyal fans in the world, apparently?

      5. NarcAngel says:

        Are you a fan of The Cod Army?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No I am not.

  19. NarcAngel says:

    Note to self:
    No carpooling with HG.
    Also, I suggest you spell your name Fukquad to the barista and step to the side and have them call you for your tea.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I like your style.

    2. At first I thought you said Farquad like Prince Farquad in Shrek…..I must be comparing his behavior to an Ogre in my head. I bet his IP is makin’ waffles cuz she’s a jackass for stayin….unless she’s not and she’s now making pancakes because she’s mind reading.

  20. Bloody Elemental says:

    This is bloody fucking brilliant, HG! Hands-down one of my favourite posts you have ever written.

    I have never seen the malice and its associated feelings/unavoidable consequences explained so perfectly.

    It is at these time we are capable of terrible violence. That is what people either A) completely fail to understand; B) choose to ignore or C) both. And yet, it is part of what makes us who and what are.

    This is one of the reasons I took up roller derby – a sport where knocking someone’s teeth out and drawing blood are expected and encouraged.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

    2. AH OH says:

      Hmm really B-E? I grew up watching women’s roller derby and never seen teeth knocked out or blood. Perhaps you are thinking of Ice Hockey.
      I do recall that the women looked a bit manly.

      1. Bloody Elemental says:

        AH OH,

        What is with the bitchy comment, AH OH? Have I offended thee…Or is it just because you have never seen it so it must not ever have happened in the history of the sport?

        I have no idea what roller derby was like way back in your day, but today it is a sport that has an almost cult-like following. It is true that some of the women are big, burly and butch, but there are plenty of sexy, young ladies skating around the rink in revealing costumes. Many teams and individual women have loyal die-hard fans.

        Roller derby is a full-contact, hard-hitting contact sport. In fact, roller derby is arguably one of the most high impact competitive sports played

        Although illegal hits do get players banished to the penalty box, no skater leaves a game without some bumps and bruises – most typically rink rash – which results when you take a hit and slide across the rink surface on exposed skin (and there is plenty of expose skin depending on the team/ladies involved). More serious injuries have occurredโ€”ACL tears, broken collar bones, dislocated jaws, concussions, broken kneecaps and knocked out front teeth.

        Get kicked in the face with a skate, or receive a blow to the face by an elbow or helmeted-head, and there is bound to be blood and, possibly, teeth knocked out.

        1. AH OH says:

          Yes I can say you can get teeth knocked. This can happen with any activity. More about some hair pulling and knocked to the floor. It was more show than anything else.
          But it is not something that I have seen in Roller derby. More of pushing and shoving. I have seen some colorful outfits.
          I have seen some bad ass hockey moves too.
          Way back in my day? LOL Well, they had just invented the wheel so the skates were very primitive. Oh and they borrowed their husbands clubs, you know the one that Bam Bam played with in the Flintstones. Just keeping it real.
          As in hockey, they have toned down the violence. A shame really as this made the game more exciting.
          So I am gathering you play?

    3. mistynolan01 says:

      I feel some kind of way about you being here. As if the hen house has been invaded by a lesser, unwanted and unnecessary narc. But, hey! I’m not the moderator here. Very magnanimous of you, HG, to allow it.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Hey I am all about the giving, MN01.

  21. PurpleVintage says:

    Does alcohol bring this state on sometimes or is it just out of nowhere? Is it normal for a narc to have rage with primary source at one point whilst giving the Ipss the golden period and then give the Ipss the rage when they have found another Ipss to add to the harem?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Alcohol may cause anger. If there is ignited fury, it may exacerbate that.

      Yes, your suggested scenario does happen.

  22. MLA - Clarece says:

    Wow HG! This is a very insightful article. I’m curious…were you having a malice filled day when you wrote this?
    I’m also curious if this was the kind of day you started having on Dec. 15th, when you had that incident at the pub lashing out at the guy who pushed you? If you were already in a state filled with venom, it could explain why you lost control that night when the majority of the time, you never let that happen.
    When you say, “for some reason, some deep and dark reason, only negative fuel will suffice”, is there any person on the planet, HG, that could possibly ease that sensation for you? Is there any connection with any other human being that you could imagine might be able to help you temper that? (I’m even thinking as far back as the caretaker you bonded with as a child that was taken away from you).
    Again, very misogynistic tones towards the slurs at the women. The neighbor’s “whore of a wife” and the slutty pedestrians.
    Can any female ever surpass the sins of your mother and aunt and bring you sanctuary without having to battle your innate defense created to protect you? That’s one for Dr. E and Dr. O.
    It’s a scary thought actually that a respite to the golden period for the primary means someone else paid a dear price for that.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No that arose for different reasons.
      Not so far.

      1. You have been malicey lately. Is it a subconcious anniversary date? I agree with MLAC, It’s coming through in your writing. Or maybe you are being more yourself now? What’s up?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I think you mean malicious.

          1. Malicey sounded cuter, even though it not a word….and right there is where you have stopped being playful and started showing your real self?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You are unsure.

          3. Yes. That’s why I asked the question in the first comment. Are you now just showing a more realistic version of what you act like in real life? Is getting in fistfights and getting rid of your primary the reason anger is coming through in your writing? What has triggered it?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            No I have shown a realistic version throughout. It is the full spectrum that you will read about here, but of course there is so much to convey. I only engage in physical violence when necessary – usually by way of dealing with certain situations as opposed to just setting on somebody, I am not an idiot. I do not hit women, there is no need, such behaviour is beneath me. I will use physical violence to disincetivise men. There has not been any trigger as explained in my answer to Clarece.

          5. Thanks HG. I am glad you give us the full spectrum then. It reinforces your message. To see all sides of a person is very hard to convey without mannerisms and vocal inflections. Writing gets the point across but meaning is sometimes misinterpreted. You have done an excellent job of conveying your thought processes. I imagine that sometimes the process of conveying information so it is understood by a broad range of readers can be frustrating. You do a good job of being patient. You seem more irritated as of late. I don’t think you are an idiot by any means. It just seems as though your malicious side is to the fore at the moment. I was hoping amusement could lighten your mood. Although you have taught me that there is no sense in trying to repair your mood, I for some reason have the hope that humor could do that. I’ll just have to wait and see if you decide to show us that lighter facet again. ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’Ž

          6. MLA - Clarece says:

            YEEESSSS! It has been literally stomach churning scary reading some of these articles and really trying to process that mindset.
            HG, that was an answer not answering the actual questions from ABBE.
            Was there some kind of shift in therapy or with your family or not that you were in devalue mode with Kim last fall? I’m sure some of these articles were written some time ago and you wait for the right time to release. I’m wondering if some of these articles were written following therapy sessions when Dr. E and Dr. O push for you talk about childhood and / or the Creature.

          7. HG Tudor says:

            There has been no recent shift in mindset nor has anything caused a trigger, albeit I see why you may think that way. You are correct that numerous articles were written previously. Some are written ‘in the moment’ and published later. Some are written from recall, reflection and analysis. As I know you appreciate Clarece, I am providing her the full spectrum with regards to understanding someone like me. Some if it will be fascinating, some of it amusing, some of it heart-breaking, some of it abhorrent, some of it bewildering but it is all informative.

          8. MLA - Clarece says:

            Yes, informative and more heartbreaking as of late. Thank you for clarifying your answer.
            You wrote, “I am providing her the full spectrum with regards to understanding someone like me.” Her? You mean all of the commentators here. You’re informing all of us.

          9. HG Tudor says:

            Yes “here” – you are welcome.

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