Love Me, Hate Me, Never Ignore Me

love-me-hate-me

I want your love. I want your hate. I want your joy. I want your tears. I want every single emotional ounce that you possess and I want it directed at me. It is easy to understand why anybody would want to be loved because isn’t that what everybody only ever wants to have? To love and be loved. Of course it is. I only ever wanted to be loved and no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried it was denied to me. Push yourself harder, go further, work harder and you can have it. I was promised that gain repeatedly and I complied. I strove and I toiled and I grafted. I studied, I obeyed, I trained, I ran and I ran fast, I jumped and I jumped higher than anyone else. I tackled, I shot, I pushed, I swam, I wrote, I complied, I answered, I read and I read. I did everything that was ever demanded of me. Does that sound familiar to you? Of course it is. You know what it is like to give your all and it still not be enough. You know what it feels like to keep trying until you feel like you have nothing left to give anymore. Why do you think that we are so effective in extracting that sensation from you? It is because my kind has been schooled in such a technique for so long that it becomes second nature.

Of course I was praised. I was encouraged. I was supported. I was pushed. I was told and instructed and ordered. The plaudits came but there was always the caveat.

“That is an excellent result, next time try for one hundred per cent.”

“Brilliant time but I know you can do it faster. You just need to try harder.”

“It is good but not as good as you can do. You are better than that.”

“Not bad but you will let me down if you do not get to the top of the class.”

Still, although it was conditional praise it was still praise nonetheless and this combined with my endeavours meant that I was never ignored. The achievements accumulated, the prizes were gathered and the accolades were acquired. Upwards, always upwards. Accordingly, your praise and admiration means so much to me. It was always the standard by which I was judged and so it is the same now. I crave the adulation and the passion, that is why I work so hard to cause you to give it to me. I want it, I want to be seen, I want to be recognised and that means I must receive your emotion sodden attention. It does not matter if you are shouting at me or begging me to stop, so long as it is directed towards me. This is why everything I do is calculated to provide a reaction.

When I am seducing you, you must never ignore me. I have too much invested in your acquisition to lose you to someone or something else. My bombardment of you with messages and attention is to draw you to me, but it is also to ensure that you do not venture somewhere else and I am denied your attention. This is why I will text you and if there is not a prompt response I will text you again, then again, then call you and then turn up at your house. I need to know you are responding to my seduction. I need to control you. There is too much at stake to allow you to ignore me.

Once devaluation begins then I need once more the emotionally charged attention that comes from you weeping, shouting and screaming. It never troubles me in the same way that it troubles you to be shouted at. I require it and all it does is make me feel powerful because I know that I can prompt these responses from you by virtue of my manipulations. I know by saying nothing that you will beg and plead with me to explain what is wrong, hang around me, eyes wide in confusion as you beseech me to tell you what you have done wrong.

I am not fussy about the emotions which you pour my way. Good or bad I will take them all. The bad do admittedly make me feel more powerful but the sweet potency of favourable responses and eyes glowing with admiration are most welcome too. That is one of the reasons I alternate back and forth, making you happy and joyful towards me and then full of woe and anger. The contrast reinforces my omnipotence because I am the puppetmaster. One moment I can make you laugh and then with a flick of the switch I have you in tears. That is power. That is control and this is what emphasises my greatness. Yes, I know you consider such behaviour wrong. I am well aware of that and do not be fooled by any pretence to the contrary. I am fully aware that such behaviour is considered, bad, wrong and evil, according to your values but you ought to know that this game is not being played according to your rules. It is played with mine and I always have to win.

Should you be treacherous and be the bad person that I always suspected you to be and ignore me, then I will provoke you all the more in order to gain my reaction. Few of you realise that this is the aim, at least, not until much later. You are unable to understand this sudden escalation, this switching because of the confusion that you are mired in. I am grateful that this is the case for when you ignore me I begin to crumble. The edifice that I have built up begins to crack, splinter and fracture and I must escape your betrayal and seek out the emotions of others in order to compensate for your seditious behaviour. If I cannot bring your love or hate to the fore, I cannot remain to be ignored, for that is my death sentence and I am not allowing you to sign that warrant. I must be loved for I am worthy of the most perfect love, I must be hated because my works are that of the devil and attract your furious ire. Always look my way, always give me your emotions and never turn your back on me. Do that and all will be well. At least, for me, but then, isn’t this all about me anyway?

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33 thoughts on “Love Me, Hate Me, Never Ignore Me”

  1. Lol, I thank you for telling me this because I too have the same needs you have. The only difference is I don’t need the power and control you do. But, I can use it against you over and over, again. You lost your own game, Bud – dy. You are not feeding off me.

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  2. “I only ever wanted to be loved and no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried it was denied to me.”
    Is this what you still want HG? Unrestricted love without feeling you have to meet constant criteria or be ignored? Or are you speaking on behalf of Little HG?
    By learning to mimic or mirror those around you to push and create the perfect illusion, don’t you realize now after all this time and everything you have learned, you don’t have to push. You don’t have to force. You don’t have to control everything. Intimacy on equal footing will not be so terrifying. Someone who wants to bring the best out in you so you feel good about yourself. Not because you have something to prove.
    Do you seek to experience love at some point yet? Or are you content knowing you are not capable of it and you only need an IP for a positive and negative fuel source?

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  3. Hi HG

    Can a narcissist ever recognise the effort and devotion you speak of here. I spent years devoting my efforts towards my marriage but it was never enough. Two lovely children. A beautiful home, successful business . This was ultimately not enough and my needs were ignored. When I stopped performing as expected I was met with the rage and hatred that I wouldn’t give to an enemy. Hoover doesn’t quite cover what happened next. I am just coming to terms with him and his fury. No contact works. But it is the only thing that does.
    My question really is, why is more than enough effort never ample – it is a soul destroying existence for both the narcissist and their partner. What is the point ? Why can he or you not see that this behaviour will inevitably cause damage and failure? It isn’t the withdrawal of fuel but sheer exhaustion of energy. Then the cycle has to start again. What a waste of a life, energy and time.
    I feel sorry for you guys. I’m passed giving in to it and just wonder you or Other narcissists seem incapable of seeing that.

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  4. HG
    I cannot see any comments from anyone on your blog from you last few articles .
    What’ s that?
    Am i banned?
    If yes.. why?

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      1. How can I contact you? I don’t necessarily want the world to see what I think.. Sam Vakin .. bores me .. Kim Wilson .. funny . Not my style. Had encounter with ” Your Kind” need some advice

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  5. Such a good article. This pretty much sums it up, how it goes and how it is… i’m sorry you feel this way and I wish you shouldn’t and wouldn’t have to.

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  6. If you’re playing you’re own game with you’re own rules, while trying to control someone else you’re always going to lose…that’s not realistic. You’re setting yourself up for these cycles because you want to control something that cannot be controlled…another human being. Humans are not property and if you keep thinking this way you will never be happy or fulfilled, just seariching for that next high. Do you want to live like a vampire? Do you not want to be alive?

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  7. Being ignored is the ultimate hurt for a narc. It’s as if one would say ‘you are insignificant and unworthy’.

    I wish they *understood* that this is not at all how we feel/felt about them!! We act this way because we have run out of options… because we do not have any other choice!

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