The Final Discard

THE FINAL

“He told me he never wanted to see me again so long as he was alive. That is it. This time it  really is over.”

“She told me I was useless, pathetic, that she hated me and she would call the police if I came near her again. I don’t understand what is going on, but all I know that is the absolute end.”

“He made it clear that there is no future for us, that he cannot stand the sight of me and that he wants me packed and gone by morning. This is it. It really is it, this time.”

“She has taken everything and left me a letter explaining that she cannot do it any more, that she needs to find herself, whatever that means and there is no future for us together. I knew this was coming, I could tell, I have been given the final discard.”

The final discard. The curtain of conclusion. The guillotine of totality.

It really is over.

So often victims of our kind distinguish between being discarded and then there is (await dramatic music) the FINAL discard. There is being kicked to one side by us but the prospect of being hoovered back in and then there is the final discard whereby you have been removed from your association with us and it is the end of the entanglement and there will be no more engagement between you and I.

Victims often consider declaring that this time is the final discard and they do this for two reasons, which, interestingly are conflicting.

The first reason is that they desperately hope that it is not the final discard at all and that when they explain to whoever is listening to them recount the minute my minute dynamic of this final discard, that the person will tell them that it is not. The victim is hoping that the listener will provide some cogent reason, some piece of evidence which will explain that it cannot be the final discard and thus fulfil that which blazes at the heart of all empathic individuals; hope.

The victim does not want the entanglement to end. He or she cannot bear the pain. They do not want this to be their exile, their abandonment or their expulsion. They want to remain with us but fear that this time it really is the end and they are crying out for somebody to tell them that it is not, just so they can cling to a hope.

The second reason is because the victim does indeed hope that it is over so they are freed from our monstrous clutches. They want that to be the end. The victim, either at the time or sometime after this final discard, having gained some knowledge and understanding, ascertains that what they did caused significant wounding (although often they are wrong about that) and that this wounding was to such a degree that it sent us packing with our tail between our legs, skulking away, broken, humiliated and shame pouring from us, so that we will never, ever dare risk returning to you. The victim concludes that what they did has sent us packing and we will not darken their doorstep or inbox again. It is an understandable conclusion to reach.

There is no such thing as a final discard.

There is no such thing as a discard.

There is only ever dis-engagement.

This is because in our minds you belong to us and the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until you die or we die. That is only when finality applies to our connection. You are our property. You are our fuelling appliance. You are good and then you are bad. You are of use and then you are of no use. And then you are of use again.

We have invested time and energy in you. We want to reap the benefits time and time again.

If you are our primary source, we will dis-engage with you. We paint you black and do not want anything more to do with you at that time. It may appear as if we have ‘discarded’ you, but it is merely the termination of the Formal Relationship. You are not our girlfriend, partner, wife any longer. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. We do not draw fuel from you, we do not take your character traits, we do not take your residual benefits. You are deleted as we enter a golden period with a new primary source.

If you are an intimate secondary source, we will dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf, back in the cupboard, ready for the next time we want to engage with you. You are not deleted. You are just not required. For now. There is no discard. You usually are not devalued. If you are, then you have offended us and there will be a dis-engagement and a termination of the Formal Relationship of booty call, friend with benefits, shag partner.

If you are a non-intimate secondary source, we dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf again until the next time we wish to engage with you. Most NISSs do not notice this happen because they regard it as a natural lull in between meeting up, speaking and so forth. Again, it is rare for the NISS to be devalued, but if you are, then you have offended us and the Formal Relationship is terminated. You are no longer our friend.

If you are a tertiary source be it intimate or non-intimate, you will be put to one side as we dis-engage. There is no Formal Relationship to terminate. We may return to you or we may not. It depends on our fuel needs.

Thus, you need to understand that there is only ever a dis-engagement. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. If there is no devaluation, we consider the Formal Relationship to remain in place – thus you remain our booty call, our friend – but we have no need to call on you at the present time. If there is devaluation, then the Formal Relationship is over – you are no longer our wife, you are not our boyfriend, you are not the friend or friend with benefits and we dis-engage.

It is usually us who decide on this dis-engagement. Whether there is devaluation and dis-engagement or just dis-engagement, it is invariably us that makes this decision. If you reject us then it is an escape and of course we will endeavour to hold on to you.

What though of the situation where you have actually wounded us considerably, either as we dis-engaged or more likely, when you make your escape? Surely that brings about finality? That must mean we do not want to engage with you any longer because you have mortally wounded us and as a consequence if you did this as we dis-engaged with you, then we will never return yes? If you did it as part of the escape you implemented, then is it not correct to state that we will not hoover you?

No.

As mentioned many times, there is always a risk that we will come back and hoover you. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger activated by you entering a sphere of influence. Thereafter, the Hoover Execution Criteria has to be achieved. This includes various matters to balance, some increasing the risk of meeting the criteria, others diminishing that risk.

This includes

  • the type of narcissist you are dealing with
  • how your fuel was regarded
  • whether you provided character traits
  • whether you provided residual benefits
  • whether you are with somebody new
  • whether you have recovered from a position of being broken or not
  • how easy it is to contact you
  • how easy it is to make physical contact with you
  • whether we know you have been lamenting our dis-engagement
  • whether you have been angry about our dis-engagement
  • whether there are outstanding issues – money, property etc
  • whether there are obstacles
  • whether there is a risk of wounding

Thus you can see the savage wounding you may have inflicted on the last occasion we interacted is but a consideration in the criteria. Yes, it may well be an important consideration when viewed against the other criteria but it will not itself amount to a final discard.

No matter how damning we were about you, how we may well have used words such as “never”, “do not”, “forever” or “always”, we are pragmatists. It is the practical need of fuel which governs all that we do. Contradiction and hypocrisy do not concern us. We can perform a 180 degree turn, a volte face or a complete turnaround and it matters not. Those were yesterday’s words.

We do not discard.

We will always come back IF the Hoover Trigger is activated and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.

There is no final discard.

And that is my final word on the matter.

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130 thoughts on “The Final Discard”

  1. I am a narc victim..my story is big..i cant write down all the things that he did to me 4 years..i cant write for the pain..i can write for my final discard..while when we were seperated for 4 months i hooked up with a man that my narc is very jealous of..he was his biggest fear..and i did it..i thought that my narc would never come back but he did…and i run..i didnt tell him a word for that night even if he asked me evryday if i went with another men..i was afraid to tell him the truth because i was affraid to lost him.He found out one day that i left my i pad home..he backed up all my messages…he started crying..telling me that i destroyed him that he will never forgive me.After i left the house he came to mine when i wasnt and he told to my mother what i did and that is over forever.he called my brother,my best friend he humilliated me in common groups sending messages telling that i am a whore and after one week he called me on the phone and we were talking for 6 hours.the next day he called me again.He told me that he cries everyday he cant believe that i am that kind of person that i am bad that he told to everybody what i did and everybody hates me and he thanks God that he found out the truth before we have a baby..when i see him around he doesnt talk to me…one night he left a bar because i was there..after one month of no contact i saw him at the bank we didnt talk again and the night i called him..he talked alone 3 hours…he told me that i am dead for him..that he doesnt have a photo of our life everyday he deletes everything..that he never gonna touch me again..that he never thinks of me anymore while he masturbates..that he dont wanna see me again that i won but i lost his ”love” and he asked me if i am going to beg himHe told me taht the other day was with the man that i slept-he doesnt know about my narc(he has a bar)to get over his fears and is all my fault because i searched the other man he is a nice guy….In other words…i THINK THAT THIS IS A FINAL DISCARD for a narc.or no..?will a wounded person like him would come back again with nice words?(im sorry for my english-thank you all)

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    1. I wish I knew… wh knows if there ever is final discard… I feel like there wont be.. my narc told me once after we broke up “ill be in your life forever” hahah creepy.. but reassuring until I find my oceans forever

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  2. Do you guys confrom your narcs? do you accuse them of being narcs and hurting you or is it futile? I remember our recent arguments and thinks its not worth even trying…

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  3. My husband is a diagnosed psychopath. Six months ago I caught him cheating in a six month affair. He ended it in front of me claiming to want our marriage. The girl claimed it was her decision to end it not his though I never witnessed this. Her and I continued to argue over fb for months. He refused to get involved or say any negative thing to her. Back to present she posted a screenshot of him messaging her over fb apologizing and asking for another chance!! He denies it was him he days it’s her creating fake fb pages. He them sent her a msg sleeping ugly terrible things. Now my question is why did he choose me over her when caught but tried to go back to her?? Does he love her more than me ? Does he only want me bc he csnt have her and what makes her so special??

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    1. He loves neither of you. He chose you because at that moment in time it served his purposes (fuel etc) you to choose you. You are in devaluation again so you are painted “black” hence why he is hoovering her. I can provide you with far more information about this with more facts from you and you may wish to consider organising a consultation to do this.

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  4. I was with my narcissist for nearly two years and decades of being just friends. It was easy because he was in the military which made our times together precious. He would ALWAYS come back after fights and ALWAYS said he knew I was the one…..until the day I found out our entire relationship was a lie. He lied about deployment, relationship status, and everything else in between. I was hurt and against all my better senses I outed him to everyone we knew and threatened to get lawyers involved in retaliation for the mental abuse I suffered when trying to leave. I subjected him to the biggest narcissistic injury imaginable. That angered him so much so he finally let go. I know he is a narcissist because he endures work related counseling and they have told me many times. Its been nearly six months and I am surprised that he retreated so easily and so fast. He sent a email saying he would let me move on and I haven’t heard from him since. I am shocked to say the least because none of the people in our lives thought it would be this easy.

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  5. What are the most common signs that a hoover is coming. I have an ex gf who I suspect as having this disorder. Our breakup was explosive, followed by an ‘I’ll change…’ hoover. I stood up for 2 weeks and then caved, i was then full out discarded and blocked from all channels.

    I do still want this person and there have since been multiple unblocks and subsequent blocks (days later) without any interaction. Now there has been an unblock whilst she is away with a ‘rival’. I don’t know whether or not this is trying to elicit some sort of a response but i need help to try to gauge the situation.

    I want to know whether I should engage, in the form of a social media activity or email but would like to gather some thoughts on what is going on here. My objective is to be back together with this person as, regardless of the N traits, i am in love and they are manageable. The initial breakup was instigated by me and now wish I could revert.

    RE-POST

    Has now been a considerably longer time-frame but, am still seeing signs that something is coming. Now seeing someone new and can’t get this person out of my head… Her friends are still sporadically reaching out to find out about my work/life situation. Odd.

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    1. Being unblocked is a reverse hoover in itself. There do not tend to be signs that a hoover is coming, apart from if you enter a sphere of influence, you have activated a Hoover Trigger and therefore there is now a possibility that a hoover will be executed against you, subject to the criteria.

      The unblock is inviting you to get in contact. You do not need to.

      If this person is a narcissist as you suspect, you do not need to engage with this person at all. Your emotional thinking is conning you into thinking you need to. It is also conning you into thinking that they are manageable.

      Her friends are proxy hoovers.

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