The Online Empathic Target
You are an obvious target when you engage in on-line dating. Your profile acts as a beacon to us. We see certain phrases and descriptions which have us making a bee line for you. You may as well strap a neon sign to your head stating “Empath” because you are sending a clear and distinct signal to us and we will move in for the kill.
On-line dating websites are popular and growing. They have millions of members and billions of page views each day. There are plenty of people looking for love on the internet. Given the ease through which one can browse, select and interact with a prospective date, it is little wonder that online dating sites are extensively used. The ability to avoid having to plunge into a gene pool of who knows what in bars and clubs and other predictable pick-up joints means that firing up the laptop and tablet and settling back to see who is out there has become a major way of finding that other half. I have mentioned before that cyberspace is a major hunting ground for our kind. From apps to social media, through messaging to the dating websites, the speed and reach of technology is a huge boon to the narcissist in his search for victims. Dating websites are no exception. It is there that we can sift through the prospective victims, assessing the target and gauging whether an approach ought to be made to begin the additional fact finding about this individual and commence the seduction. Dating websites attract a good proportion of cranks, wind-up merchants, no-shows, time wasters, married people searching for some sexting and potentially more and these individuals often stand out a mile. The opening gambit of the pervert who is looking for some topless pictures of you is likely to be
“U r gawjuss, do you have nudes?”
Easy to pick that jerk out isn’t it? He won’t be one of us though. He is just an arsehole. The philanderer may well belong to our brethren but when he starts with,
“I am married but my wife and I haven’t had sex for 2 years so I am not really being unfaithful in looking for some action elsewhere.”
You know that he is looking for some extra-marital fun and being so upfront about it means he is unlikely to be one of ours. You never charm somebody by playing your B.L.U.F. – bottom line up front. Rather, in order to bluff, a far more subtle and insidious approach is required. These individuals may have narcissistic traits but they are not in our gang. They operate on a percentage basis. Keep asking for nude pictures often enough and someone is bound to agree. Keep plugging away for someone who fancies a quick bunk up and somebody will eventually respond. That is all they are interested in. They are not after your fuel. We are.
So, what do we look for when we are scouring the digital directory of potential appliances? Naturally, the cadre of narcissist affects the class traits that the relevant narcissist looks for, therefore the Somatic Narcissist will be concentrating on those who look stunning, are gym bunnies, love travel and shopping and such like. The Cerebral Narc will be looking for those who enjoy literature, the arts, demonstrate a higher education and so forth. Those class traits are highly relevant and we do look for them in the profiles of those who place themselves on an online dating site.
We also look for the empathic traits which signify to us that this person has the potential to be an excellent appliance for us and eventually maybe even be a primary source. We scour for those who have the special traits as well, which amount to a bonus. Finally, we look for indicators which tell us that you are unlikely to put up much resistance. Combine all of these indicators – the class, empathic and special traits, add in the knowledge that you are not going to be difficult to approach and engage with and it all points towards a viable target for our attentions. Not all of the empathic or special traits will be present in your profile, this requires additional investigative work on our part which we will engage in, but we will have seen enough which tells us that you are more likely than not an empath and well worth targeting.
So what are these phrases and descriptions that stand out a mile to our kind and have us converging on you? There are numerous that exist, but here is a selection of ones which are used most often.
- Been Hurt Before
Our klaxon goes off to tell us that you are damaged goods and therefore ripe for the taking. Somebody has tenderized you already and thus our insidious charm will meet with little resistance. You will be delighted to find someone so caring, so compassionate, so considerate and so into you. Such a contrast to the predecessor. You will not be warier for the experience but actually more vulnerable because you clearly do not recognise our kind when we come hunting.
- Loves animals
If you are prepared to care for a lower life form, feed it, groom it, exercise it, play with it, buy it things, pay vet’s bills and so forth, you are clearly a caring person. Nine times out of ten an animal lover is also someone who is very caring towards their own species too, there is the odd exception of course, but it is more often a reliable indicator of empathic traits than not.
- I’m new to this/ I cannot believe I am doing on-line dating
You have not been able to meet anybody through a traditional method and you are telling us this because you feel somewhat awkward and silly that you are doing this. Don’t worry, we will put you at your ease because guess what? We will tell you we are new to this (of course we are not) and let’s handhold on this new adventure. This also tells us that there is a degree of desperation to find somebody because you are trying to suggest you do not use this ordinarily. Well you are here now aren’t you because nothing else has worked?
- I like to stay in with a glass of wine and a DVD/cosy up in front the fire/ walk in the park on Sunday and go to the pub for a roast/ have Sunday brunch and read the papers together
You are a love devotee. How so? These standard phrases originate because you have watched the fabricated happy Hollywood couples in film, or read about them in glossy magazines and novels which advocate that this is the way that couples spend every evening or Sunday together. You are susceptible to being sold the ideal of how love is, the romantic and wonderful view of love and by using phrases such as these you are indicating that to us loud and clear. You want an ideal form of love? Guess who can manufacture that in an instant?
If you make mention of this on your profile you are exhibiting, you operate by a moral code and therefore you will have empathic traits. If you demonstrate some form of spirituality this tells us that you have a belief system and therefore you are susceptible to suggestion. This ranges from being a good and decent person through to someone who believes that love will solve every issue and problem. That mind set is appealing to us.
- Charity involvement
If you make mention of your work at the local homeless shelter, you volunteer with a medical charity or are engaged in fund-raising we know you are a giver and not a taker. We also know that you have significant levels of empathy and that you will go the extra mile to secure the happiness of somebody. We want that attitude directed towards us.
- I am a middle child/ I come from a large family
There is a good chance you have not been afforded the attention you might otherwise have wanted and thus we know that we can secure an easy win by lavishing on you plenty of the aforementioned attention. We also regard this as demonstrating that you are quite stoic individual who has been used to just getting on with things, so that having someone come along and help you and put you at the centre of things will really gain your approval and appreciation.
- I just got out of a committed relationship
So you have and by writing this you are telling us two things. The first is you want another one pretty quickly because you do not like being alone. The second is that you have evidently been the one who has been dumped or cheated on as you are saying you were the one who was committed and you want other people to know that you were committed. This tells us that you are keen on getting to the truth of the matter, an empathic trait and that you will stick around.
- I am looking for a knight in shining armour
So many bases are ticked with this one. You are a love devotee as you are sold on the idea of romantic love. You want someone to save you and therefore you will respond well to such overtures. You have evidently suffered previously and therefore you have been softened up in that regard as detailed above. You are also expecting somebody else to be chivalrous and bear the burden, which translates into you wanting that person to buy you things, take you places and spoil you. No problem, that all comes as part of the Love Bombing package.
- I am seeking someone who is financially secure
You have financial problems which we can exploit and/or you were with somebody who had financial problems so you want to avoid that happening again. You are attracted to success (or the appearance of success) and this is a motivating factor for you. We will be happy to factor that in for you.
- I am ready for a long-term relationship
You have not been able to find anybody so far, so desperation is starting to creep in. You are also a giver and believe in relationships, you want to be bound to somebody and make it work. You have just tilted your head and exposed your throat to us.
- I want to be swept off my feet
Another indication of being a love devotee who believes in excessive romanticism and also a key indicator that our whirlwind approach to seduction will reap significant rewards and find favour with you. You will be swept off your feet alright, you just may have trouble getting up again.
- I am tired of games
Again another signal that you have suffered in the past and therefore you are susceptible to manipulation. This offers us the chance to exhibit that we are honest, straightforward and reliable to draw you in and then we can commence our manipulations of you with impunity.
- Looking for The One
More evidence of the love devotee, someone who is ready to pour their heart and soul into the relationship and therefore you will be overflowing with empathic traits. Not only that, you will fall prey to our various ways of telling you that you are The One, Our Soulmate and The Person We Have Waited Our Whole Life For.
- Mention of the caring professions
If you happen to explain you work in nursing, look after the elderly, you sign for the local deaf community and so forth, this lights up that you have empathic traits and this especially appeals to the Victim Narcissist who will be looking for his own personal carer.
There are many more and we look for a selection of these in somebody’s written dating profile to confirm to us that you will have the various traits we desire and that your resistance to being seduced will be low.
Time for a re-think on what you have written?
34 thoughts on “The Online Empathic Target”
HG, I wonder if you would consider doing a piece dedicated to the Spiritual Narcissist. I’ve looked at the archives and found “Good God” and “6 Specialty Hoovers”, but I’ve experienced this on a whole other level. Specifically, he is not “religious” in the sense of organized religion, rather, he presented himself as a “spiritual authority”, “psychic,” “spiritual practitioner” etc. Ideal for sucking people in when they are at their lowest. He once remarked to me that the vast majority of his customers were concerned with love/relationship issues. And his purported “spiritual elevation” automatically made him exempt from having to behave in socially acceptable ways in many instances, including excusing sexually inappropriate behavior under the guise of “energy work”. This is a topic which I believe might be relevant to more than just me – given the whole “new age”, “empath” rhetoric and the opportunities that exist for narcs of all cadres to prey on their victims in a really special, twisted way. Thanks!
I have made a note to write about the “guru” narcissist.
Outstanding! Thank you.
Haha, cool. Looking forward to that one. That movie one of your readers had recommended in regard to this topic was very enlightening, too.
The ULN always used to comment that he should start a church. That he would be “rich beyond measure” and have followers “eating out of his hand.” If he didn’t find religion so disgusting he likely would have done this. He loved to seduce religious girls into sleeping with him and doing things that were “out of character.” Total monster.
I got off of Online dating after I read this the first time. I also did a major overhaul on my FB friends list – including a lot of blocking. There’s no need to put myself out to the unknown world, when there’s so much crazy out there. I feel a sense of freedom by securing my surroundings, not because I’m paranoid way, but because I’m just much more aware. There really are a lot of people we invite into our lives (receiving valuable information) who we really don’t know at all.
Good lord.. i was all but 1. What are the fucking odds ..
I wish i was as educated then as i am now.
But.. u can’t go back..it is what it is….
U can’t help but feel like a fucking idiot now that u know.
Overall. It’s just a blip in time…i will recover…be better than ever..and hell be left envy filled and jealous once again…
im fascinated by all this information despite my situation with my two faced narc.i would have died with him a blinded by love woman if i had not found out about the money he tried to hide. then it went into triangulation on the side, or he planned it all. not sure, but he will soon be sitting with his own. and the sad part is, i dont care about money he could have disclosed it all and i would have blindly ignored him, but i its going to his family and not his own kids. well my confidant says the kids will get a little, but the family will take the bulk of it. gawd. i was told he wont do what is right especially if i want it because im wrong.
which brings up the subject. with all my readings on the narcissist, i came across a comment from a lady who could never be right when dealing with her husband. she notes that the husband is in the science area of profession. she tells her husband how can she be wrong all the time in every situation, and goes on to explain probability to him and she knows he knows full well what it means. so, she uses this measure to explain how she is always right by always being wrong. probability is quantified as a number between 0 and 1. 0 indicates impossible and 1 indicates that is possible. so she baffled her husband on proving shes perfectly right, because he says she is always wrong. i hope i wrote the story out clear as best i can. enjoy.
i sometimes wonder if it’s pictures which suggest our empathic traits to a predator? I’m quite specific and careful on my profile- though I do mention spirituality being of import as well as my desire to have a long term relationship. All I know is that I have learned to spot them…and quickly.
This is not about dating sites as I have never been there before. I have seen your kind (both men and women) exhibiting some of those traits on FB and in real life. Your kind’s favourites on FB seems to be No. 2 (love animals), No. 5 (church/god), No. 6 (charity involvement), and No. 15 (caring professions like nurse, pre-/primary school teacher, licenced psychologist) and of course children. I have noticed that there are many of your kind working in caring professions, especially in those jobs where narcissists work with the weaker. Two sociopathic women who are conducting smears/character assassination against me have a nurse education. One of them works a nurse and the second one has just got a job as a school supervisor at the local primary school. GC narc sibling works as a pre-school teacher. People who are presently abusing me have pets and children and they apparently collaborate for charity events and non-profit organizations. They have the perfect façade.
(Just to make this clear, I am not saying all people in caring professions are narcissists. This would be all-or-nothing thinking. There are empaths too but from what I have seen until now, the majority of those working with the weaker are apaths and narcissists.)
Wonder what the response from your kind would be if we completed the profile based on your klaxons list and added, No narcissists please!
I can already anticipate your response, HG. The Lesser will say, “Fucking bitch!” the Mid Range will say, ” Gotta keep looking. This one isn’t worth it.”
And the Greater will say, “Oh, am I gonna have fun with this one!”
the lesser and midrange would reply, because they are not self aware…
I’m not interested in dating but my FB seems to have been infested with horny soldiers looking to cop off. I have no idea why. (Seriously. no smart ass comments lol).
And I have no idea which type of account this site is defaulting me to. Sorry I am not meaning to post under two accounts, just the FB one. Ugh. Same name either way.
Soooooo….guess you cant be too picky since that about covers everyone. Whats left?
Accident victim with facial paralysis and lacking tear ducts wishes to meet complete philanderer to ensure I maintain my “me” time. Must correspond by text as I have taken a vow of silence. Text me. Or dont. Either way.
Bet you 10 minutes of seething quiet angry words followed by 20 minutes of spittle-forming rage and screamed profanities while slamming doors that it still gets hits.
Well… now I’m off to change my dating profile and as a nurse I plan to remove that bit of info as well. It brings out lots of annoying comments anyway, Thank you!
Thank you for this post, HG (His Greatness). You’re very generous, thoughtful, and empathic. 🙂
We all start out at “zero” on self development matrix. A codependent (child) in the triad. Most children want approval from parents and will morph to get their needs met. If mommy has another baby too soon, baby 1 feeling displaced, begins to develop the narcissistic tendencies. And so it goes. The problem child emerges with fantasies and magical thoughts. Baby 2 adapts by going with it.
Add some good old time religion and you have the perfect cocktail to breed the codependent narcissist spread.
It’s not anyone’s fault this happens. You didn’t cause it. You can’t cure it.
An empath might believe that a subtle approach could elevate the consciousness of the narc or trigger his first moral dilemma (absent in early childhood)
Interesting. My narc hates his sister, desperately seeks approval from his jerk of a Dad and was raised in the Brethren. Scottish uber religious nutters.
Well what should I write instead then, Oh Great One, to keep your kind away?
i just read sex and the narcissist, and with all the fake here and fake there of these monsters, i was wondering since a narc can cry real tears at any moment he or she needs to fool the victim, then can a female narc while having sex keep her vaginal juices flowing everyday she is fooling her victim. i am an empath and im no spring chicken, but my body is a sexual weapon and for all the years im married to my narc never did i not dry up in bed nor just sitting around doing nothing. im not sure if it is just me or if all empaths are sexual beings. my narc never cheated on me, but he did think about it. im sure i know when that period of our life was. but i know for fact on this, my confidant told me. so yes a narc does not always cheat, but pretty much they all do. mine didnt. also he knows i could careless. also, i never faked shit in bed and my narc probably liked that. who cares. but thats my question if you know HG. or if any other males can answer to that, or females. thought it is a sign of being turned on when the juices flow. a girl can moan and groan but she cant turn the juices on or off that i know of. and that is your clue of arousal. thanks.
Elite and Somatic narcissists have high sex drives. The fuel they receive combined with the physical act ensures arousal. In some instances with male narcissists there is retarded ejaculation and some of our kind are only able to get off though masturbation (and usually because there is some deviancy which drives their orgasm whereas the sexual act with their partner is too ‘vanilla’). Given the high sex drive, the need to use sex as a weapon and the fuel arising, female narcissists will be turned on regardless thus as you eloquently put it, the vaginal juices will flow.
“In some instances with male narcissists there is retarded ejaculation and some of our kind are only able to get off though masturbation (and usually because there is some deviancy which drives their orgasm whereas the sexual act with their partner is too ‘vanilla’)”
You hit the nail right on the head here. My Narc was into all kinds of crazy and kinky stuff. All of which I did for him. I was so bitten and smitten that I did it all. I indulged his every whim and fantasy. And it was never enough as I was still discarded. I have not read “Sex and the Narcissist” yet but I think I may have to do an Amazon order soon. Random question, anyone, feel free to answer….is it possible that a Narcissist can also be a sex addict? My Narc always made excuses as to why he had so many sexual partners and often had sex with anyone, on a whim, whether in a “relationship or not, including his friends. And the constant explanations, or “reaffirmations” of why that type of behavior was acceptable. At one point I was even told I was “too emotionally attached”. Makes sense I guess as they lack emotions. They’ll pretty much F anyone won’t they?
yes they can be a sex addict too
My girlfriends narc Husband could not ejaculate during sex with her and told her he could not with ex wife and girlfriends. He played it off as his superior control to stay hard. Truth was he could only cum during masturbation or porn watching with extreme variations in depraved acts. I think yes sex addiction is a definite to some. I also know from my experience that kinky and crazy sex acts are a must. There is an attachment disorder so it’s not hard to see that emotional shutdown during the sex act is easily done. Fuel is given by anyone that wants to fuck them. I think they still pick who they will fuck. One of my ex Narcs would say..well I wouldn’t fuck her, but she can suck my dick. Typical narc statement.
My narc had increased difficulty maintaining an erection which he blamed initially on the meds then later, me.
Except that his difficulties only became really evident when I told him I stopped being the empath and told him one morning as I backed out of the driveway that I knew he was lying (about his mental health and why he lost his job). The facade was crumbling. He was masturbating to pics of hard ass tattooed women (his clients basically) thinking that I didn’t know. The first two victims after I kicked him out fit that stereotype. Current one is a LPN who has no idea.
Sadly, I think this is a running theme with narc men. HG’s book Sex and the Narcissist really helps to take away the confusion. It’s amazing how vital porn is to the narcissist. Every Narc I was entangled with used it in one form or another. Triangulation, devaluation, etc…
My narc had increased difficulty maintaining an erection which he blamed initially on the meds then later, me.
Except that his difficulties only became really evident when I stopped being the empath and told him one morning, as I backed out of the driveway that I knew he was lying (about his mental health and why he lost his job). The facade was crumbling. He was masturbating to pics of hard ass tattooed women (his clients basically) thinking that I didn’t know. The first two victims after I kicked him out fit that stereotype. Current one is a LPN who has no idea.
Helpful post, thanks. Do you think there is any point of trying online dating at all or just stay away from it all together?
I mean altogether….
You can try it, but one must be aware as it is a haven for our kind.
ugh. heavy sigh…
Thanks HG. Hope you have a supply filled weekend 😉
Thank you. All good fuel thus far.