46 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 224”

    1. Hi S & B, Please don’t resign yourself to your screen name. I couldn’t even bare to type it out properly. You’re NOT pathetic, you’re confused and lied to. Please make the time to read and read and then read some more of HG’s blog posts. Knowledge about the narcissist and how they manipulate and spin is the key to breaking the (pathetic) cycle.
      You can do it. We’ve all been where you are now and wishing you insight and the ability to accept the truth. It’s not you. It’s them.

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  1. There’s that word again.
    I believed in it sooo much. I used to say that all the time and now I don’t have it.
    Depressing

    I used to have my phone in my bed just like that every night just in case I got a text or call. I don’t miss that.

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  2. There’s hope for different things. It starts hoping for you. When that hope dies off, then there is hope for healing and fresh beginnings.

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    1. According to scientific study:

      “In essence, neuroplasticity is a major stumbling block in reversing
      symptomology of NPD once it is fully developed. We believe that
      trying to cure NPD with the current psychiatric methods available
      is akin to trying to cure stage-4 cervical cancer. Effective strategy
      for managing NPD, as for cancers in general, is in prevention.”

      Again, neuroplasticity may help those who simply have narc tendencies to curb their narcissism, but it will do little to help the disordered.

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  3. Sleeping with the phone is more like sleeping with the enemy. I answer and realized it wasn’t who I thought it was.

    Hope can seem to disappear, only to be found once again. Refocusing on your strengths, strengthen the weaker areas and creating a beautiful world around yourself.
    Rediscovering oneself can be an adventure, finding new hobbies, new friends, seeing the world from a very different perspective, finding a strength you never knew was inside.

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  4. The hope that I would finally respond to a Hoover…

    I received another one yesterday begging me to talk, admitting wrongdoings I have always known in my heart, reminiscing about ‘good times’ while I am torn apart by flashbacks of rejection and abandonment, asking for forgiveness I cannot and will not give… some things are unforgivable… I should not check my mails before bed, because I cried myself to sleep and I woke up crying… in future, I probably should delete his messages unread.

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    1. Matilda, the absolute worst thing you can do right now is listen to his messages, read his texts, read his e-mails or try to decipher his smoke signals. I’m at 9 weeks no contact. But the first week I made the mistake of listening to his voice mails. There have been dozens. But after I listened to the first 2 or 3, I realized that I felt much worse afterwards and it took me a while to shake off those feelings of doubt and grief. Since then, I delete them without listening. He uses different phone numbers, he’s clever. Or sneaky. Mostly evil. But I feel better after deleting them without listening, because I remember what I have learned here. He never loved me. I fell in love with an illusion. He can’t be fixed. He knew what he was doing and he enjoyed it. He wants fuel. I am fuel. It was not real. It was not real. It was not real.

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      1. I admire you for being able to delete messages without listening or reading, LisaB. I tried, but I’m not (yet) ready to do that, even after more than a year of ‘no contact’. Yes, it’s anger and grief, but mostly pure grief, that grips me when I read his messages, and it takes a day or two to recover.

        But I also read because I want to see him suffer, I want to see that my silence gets under his skin. And it does! I want him to know what complete abandonment feels like!! A taste of his own medicine.

        Of course, the goal should be indifference… it’s still a long way to go. What a mess…

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      2. Don’t feel bad Matilda.
        I wouldn’t be stong enough to immediately delete the messages without listening to them either.
        It’s been ten months for me and I still have a long way to go too.
        Everyday is one more day to add to the NC. It’s progress. You are not alone.

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      3. Hi Snow!
        I read some of your other comments about your daughter’s accident and dealing with that. I’m so glad you both have each other as anchors for support. Makes a huge difference! I think you’re doing great!

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      4. Thanks Clarece!!!!
        We are both soooo lucky that we have the kind of daughters that we do.
        You are like me and I know you cherish yours with all your heart.
        I will always need her dose of reality. Lol
        I now find myself checking in with her to see if what someone does or says is inappropriate or out of line.

        I just talked to her and she is writing for her college paper and her topic is how she is entitled to say “NO” and the effectiveness of saying it is. I cracked up.
        I need advice from her. Lol… I could never say “no” but I’m getting a lot better at it.

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      5. Has anyone had the strength to block these people from emails, phone calls and text messages?

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      6. Anywhere from 24 hours to 7 weeks. lol The time I went 7 weeks last summer, he started emailing me. I didn’t respond at first (to my personal email) and then he emailed me at work. I caved. But during that 7 weeks I probably gained the most clarity. I can’t block him from emails but I had everything else shut down. He knows how to get under my skin and get me fired up and then I don’t care if it gives him fuel or not.

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      7. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, to ignore the messages. I want so badly, like you, to know that he is suffering and that he is being driven crazy by the fact that I won’t be manipulated into answering. I’m not even sure what approach he’s taking now. At this point, he is probably in revenge mode, telling me about the other women he is with or has been with and trying to rub my nose in all that he has. I know all of this. The thing is, I don’t think he is suffering at all, and that is what makes me so angry. I am still grieving, too, and every time I get a phone call from a number I don’t know, then see that there is a voice mail, my heart sinks. I have to call on everything I’ve got in my arsenal to keep me from listening to that voice mail. I’m not brave or strong, I’m just so very tired of being hurt, and when my phone rings, that’s all I can think about. The hurt. The humiliation. The devastation. I’m not at the point of indifference yet, although you’re right, that should be the goal. But I only remember the awful things that he did to me now, I can’t even think of any of the good things. So I just can’t put myself through what I know waits for me on the other side of hearing his voice. It is torture. Hang on, Matilda, I admire you for being at one year of no contact! I can’t imagine how much easier your life must be. They make a mess, true, and leave us to sort it out. We are doing our best. That’s why we are here.

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      8. Thank you, Snow White… yes, it feels good to know that there are people who truly understand what I am, we all are, going through… it gives me solace…

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      9. Yes, you surely don’t need to hear about his other conquests, LisaB… some are so far removed from any feelings, they do not suffer… yours might be like that, HG certainly is… in such cases, you’d get mad knowing he is unaffected by it all, and the best one can do is to delete everything unread… you are doing this intuitively, I guess…

        I know for sure that mine is not entirely dead emotionally, although his motive for admitting things I have known all along is selfish as he wants my forgiveness. My continued silence is bewildering to him because I have never done this before. He is suffering, and so he should be.

        Yes, the flashbacks are torture… he knows what to say to pierce my soul. They say as long as you still have feelings for someone, even if mostly rage, you are not done with them, and that’s true. I hope that some day, I will not feel anything when I read his message…

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  5. Temptation is always there, talking about narcs and many many other things in life.
    We learn to deal with it and accept it, accept ourselves as we are, weaknesses and all.
    Hope is a blessing, it must be used wisely.

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  6. I feel very sad to see this “truth” because i see myself as i was until few month ago. Every single second i were with the stupid hope to received one message from him… and i never off my mobile just for this reason… and I stayed awake a lot of night to see my mobile… and if I collapsed in sleep I waked up with ansiety for a nightmare in wich there was him (lonely or with his wife or with other girls).

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  7. Most people can not fathom how a victim can continue to love the narc who caused so much destruction and hurt. And, you have trouble making sense of this yourself. This was all manufactured and designed to create cognitive dissonance.
    This is normal for most of us, we have to learn how to replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. Write those positive thoughts down and turn them into goals. Completing the simplest goals will help to rebuild hope in yourself and later others. Give yourself time but don’t live there the depression and hopelessness will take on a life of its own. Which will make it harder to vacate those feelings and thoughts.

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    1. They achive to embed themselves so deep inside us that it is almost impossible to dug them out of ourselves ..
      Frightening and true.
      πŸ˜”

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    2. This may not work for those not of a scientific nature, but I make my difficult relationships into science experiments. I form hypotheses based on my knowledge of narcissists, observe them, make notes and draw conclusions. Then based on these results, make new hypotheses to test. Doing this has the benefit of removing all emotion and lets me work thru my relationship with the narc without so much anxiety and pain. That’s why I began following this website. I take all the new insights I learn from HG and use them to form my new hypotheses. Even with my stable narc relationships (wow, that’s an oxymoron!) it makes for interesting mental puzzles. This has been very helpful for me. If you’re into science it may be worth trying. If nothing else you can have the satisfaction of thinking of your narc like a lab rat!

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      1. I worked as a program manager. My mind is wired the same way. There’s a process for everything. Each person can use their life experiences and start working on the most important project in the world (self). 1 minutes, hour, day at a time. Set mile stones, I witness change here daily. HG and wine makes me a little more manageable.

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      2. Wow! That has actually been my strategy over the last several months while I wean my emotions off of JN. I knew many readers probably could not get why I was going complete full-on NC. I stopped writing about every time I was hearing from him which was frequently over the last 2 months with him doing lots of future faking. I was re-creating scenarios and then pulling back when I knew he was getting ready to push me off the ledge again so to speak and then withholding negative fuel. It does work in the respect you become desensitized to the manipulations. They become transparent. And one day, you wake up and it’s boring. It’s not exciting, rather they’re not exciting anymore. I’m just tired and resigned now. But it’s a good place to be to start NC for real now. I didn’t go as far as you did writing everything down. I just kept my mental checklist going, but I totally get where you’re coming from. It is a different strategy that can work for some.

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  8. I had a nightmare last night that I fell for his hoover … he’s “never stopped loving me” and “I never stopped loving you either” … UGH!!! Thank God I woke up and I’ll make sure I stay awake (aware) at all times!

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    1. I’m so sorry Bravehart.
      I always think that I’m grateful that my ex doesn’t know that she has invaded my dreams. I can see the smirk on her face.
      I know what a terrible feeling it is to wake up like that. It does make you want to stay awake.
      MISERABLE
      Hope you get some rest tonight. 😴

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      1. Thank you, Snow. The good thing about waking up from that dream is I didn’t find myself analyzing it like I had in the past. In fact, I actually forgot I had the dream until later on in the afternoon. It’s a good sign that the dream didn’t effect me emotionally. To me, it means I’m moving on, but as I said, I will always stay awake and aware. I sure hope you’re doing well and that moving on is getting easier for you, as well, with each passing day. Monday will be a year to the date since I was discarded, but Easter will be the holi”day” that I was discarded on, so that’s a few weeks away this year. Anyway, I struggled a month or so ago because of the thought of the one year anniversary coming up, but now I’m in a good place again. Please take care SW and I always love reading your posts πŸ™‚

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  9. Matilda, I completely understand why you need to read his texts and listen to his voice mails. You need to know that there is at least a part of his heart that is not completely black, that you weren’t just an “appliance” or fuel. And from what I have learned, you were more that that to him. If I thought that I could get that from any of the messages that have been left for me, I would be listening and reading, searching for any little scrap of the man I thought he was, the man I loved. But I saw the mask slip once and come completely off once, and I was terrified. There was only evil in those blue eyes that turned completely black. I ran for my life and I can not give him even the slightest opening to work his way back in. He is a charmer, as they all are. But underneath there is a reptile, a monster. If you read Mr Tudor’s article “I Want,” you will see the mindset of the creature I am running from, and will run from for the rest of my life. Any why I can’t listen to his messages. It’s not determination, it is fear, but I never want him to know that or hear it in my voice. I hope that time will heal these wounds and calm these fears for all of us. You are well on your way. Take good care.

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    1. LisaB,

      Sorry, I overlooked this comment.

      Reading his messages is upsetting enough, I am grateful that I do not hear his voice. If my narc had been malicious, it would have been easier to cut all ties. Like you did! The worst I saw in his eyes was indifference, they were still sparkling and bright. Yes, I read ‘I Want’ and much more… very hard to stomach… but the truth shall not hurt us, Lisa! πŸ™‚

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    1. On and off for 2 years. Then he moved 2 hours away. I saw him once after the move, but have just gotten tons of Hoovers and what HG calls future faking to dangle more visits.

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  10. Hello Bravehart❀️
    I completely understand how you feel about the anniversary. I dreaded St. Patrick’s Day coming up because it was the last time that we were out before I left.
    Mine is April 4th and I think that’s why the triggers have resurfaced. Official NC and the goodbye happened in the beginning of May.
    There are lots of emotions that come with those days and reflecting on the whole year. I am irritable and emotional.
    I am happy to hear that you are surviving your days. You are very strong and I enjoy seeing people stick around here long enough so I can see their progress. When readers share their feelings it makes me feel that I’m not alone.
    You take care of yourself ❀️🍎❀️
    I always enjoy talking to you and many thanks for your words.

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