Spoiler Alert



When I was with Siobhan (an ex girlfriend) her birthday arrived just four weeks after we had begun seeing one another. I took her away for the weekend, bought her a beautiful Tiffany bracelet, organised a huge bouquet to be delivered to the suite where we were staying in our hotel and then took her shopping for a couple of new outfits and some new shoes. She was swept off her feet. Just as I intended. All part of the golden period and naturally part of the ongoing seduction to ensure that not only was I receiving her positive fuel caused by her delight, admiration and thanks for such a wonderful time, but that she was becoming embedded into my world. All those I meet need to become part of my world, attached to me, fuel lines running from them to me. This is especially so with the person who is to become my Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”). I need to own that person, I need to draw them into my world, ensure they are completely subsumed within it and thus they will be under my control. I truly want them to succeed because they show such promise, they demonstrate that they have the ability to fulfil the Prime Aims and deliver what is required which in turn will give me the fuel that powers my construct and this illusory world into which this person has been drawn.

When it was her birthday a year later I didn’t give her a present and begrudgingly went for dinner with her that evening. I ensured she paid. I talked down to the waiter and insisted we leave without pudding and subjected her to silence on the drive home. I wanted to spoil her birthday because it was about her and not me. I hate attention being focussed elsewhere. I can tolerate it during the golden period because it serves my purposes to allow that person to have a wonderful and special birthday because of their positive fuel and the need to embed them, yet when devaluation occurs, there is no need to tolerate this state of affairs and the reality can be unveiled to the bewildered horror of the recipient.

There is no need to maintain the artifice. The person is embedded and if we have chosen the correct victim (and we usually do) they will not be going anywhere fast because they will cling to us in the hope of returning to the golden period. The victim, who most of the time will be the IPPS (as this is the person who suffers the longest and the worst type of devaluation) has been chosen for their desire to mend things, to understand and try to establish what has changed, what has gone wrong and their need to try to make everything good again. This creates an almost indefatigable approach by the victim to remaining with us. Nevertheless, when this devaluation is in place, everything has to be spoiled. What once was a wonderful occasion is either not acknowledged or is actively ruined. Whereas we once praised and complimented something you had achieved, this too is either ignored, put down or belittled in some way.

My nephew told me he had come first in his school’s 100m race. I told him I ran a faster time than him when I was at school. A colleague showed me his new watch. I told him I had one which was similar but mine was better. You’ve got tickets for a performance tonight? I went last week and it was rubbish. You recommend a new Mexican restaurant that has just opened? I tell you that it is attracting the attention of environmental health. Bought a new car? I don’t like the colour and criticise its miles per gallon ratio. The thing is that these comments often just spill from our mouths (especially with the Lesser and the Mid-Range) before we even have a chance to think. It is an instinctive response which is designed to make you give us negative fuel, to assert our control over you and to emphasise our superiority.Whenever the spotlight is shining elsewhere I need to smash it and train a new one on me. Sometimes the needs of the façade will mean that control has to be exerted so that the training of the spotlight occurs in a way where was outshine you as opposed to necessarily denigrating you, but the effect is the same. You cannot have the spotlight on you, it has to be on us.

If you have an important function you want to attend, I will pick a fight with you before you go and then text you incessantly whilst you are at it so you do not enjoy it. I have to ruin it for you. I cannot control this urge. Sam (an ex girlfriend) loved to garden. She would spend hours at the weekend tending her beds. I would call round during the week when she was not there and take a strimmer to her plants. As the stalks and stems were obliterated I could feel myself feeling better as I envisaged her dismay at returning home and seeing her garden having been hacked at. That Thought Fuel was welcomed and of course I would ensure that I just happened to call around later that evening to find her either sobbing at the destruction or raging at the carnage that had been caused. Witnessing her reaction to my spoiling behaviour of course provided me with significant fuel which was potent and edifying.

I have to cut people down. The urge to destroy, denigrate,criticise and belittle is overwhelming.

I have to spoil. There is no hope for an alternative because the need to keep people in their place, maintain my own superiority and also to create the contrast for the provision of potent negative fuel is overwhelming.

19 thoughts on “Spoiler Alert

  1. Natalie says:

    My ex narc always commented that I have a dark sense of humor… I chuckled at the flower bed story (sorry)

    As the IPPS i was faced some forms of devaluation. I discarded the mid-range narc and later he hovered and I insisted on just being friends so I became a secondary source. I’m confused bc on YouTube you stated that secondary sources have limited contact. However in that year as the secondary source, I was taken on “dates” weekly and was called 4-5 times a day and was often praised. It wasn’t until I discarded him the second time and exposed him to his new primary source that faced devaluation.Can you provide some insight on this?

  2. Maria says:

    I know that ohhhhhh… so well..
    he invites me out .. the starts is ideallic .. then wham…. has to ruin it..
    now i know..
    and is predictable .. but still surprises and shocks me every time..

  3. Amber says:

    You must pick your gf’s well. 🙂 they don’t seem to be equipped for war. 😇

    1. 1jaded1 says:

      They will learn to fight it. I wish every one of them finds HG’s.blog. Truth.

    2. 1jaded1 says:

      Until they realize and escape from the abuse. War isnt won yet. The battle is.

  4. Jenna says:

    “Siobhan” – nice name you conjured up, but i’m wondering what her real name is.
    Destroying sam’s garden- so childish! But that’s what narcs are, aren’t they – childish, due to their positive feelings leaving their soul during a young age when they endured abuse 😞

  5. Victoria says:

    Exquisitely said H.G. and so true. Thanks for your honesty it is so helpful to remember!

  6. Tanya says:

    It wasn’t until *after* I left, and realized I’d been married to a Narc, that I came to understand why he ruined every. single. event. Every vacation (including our honeymoon!), every birthday (even his!), every dinner outing: every. single. event. He wouldd pick a fight, pout, complain incessantly, or otherwise find some way to be a total douchebag.

    I used to think it was me. He told me it was. I get it now.

  7. 1jaded1 says:

    Yes, this seems to be a reaction to how you we’re treated. Do unto others as mother has done unto you. PS, not to be confused with IPPS. I won’t be owned, ever.

  8. Windstorm says:

    I know you see no need to change, but I still look forward to your introspection, intellect and ongoing therapy showing you a non-destructive way to get all the fuel you need.

  9. Ms brown says:

    been there and sooo predictable, any occasion for that matter, even HIS Bday or an occasion I honored him! I just feel so hopeless and helpless for people of HG’s mindset. But they don’t, so guess we are wasting our thoughts and should only focus on ourselves.

  10. Stephanie says:

    So true. This exact thing happened to me. First Christmas/Birthday were wonderful. By February, my “house was littered with gifts I didn’t deserve”. The next 3 birthdays were miserable. Never again.

  11. Mel says:

    I’m glad you decided to enlighten others regarding the narcissist, this is so familiar to me..although I couldn’t stop laughing at you ruining the garden, that was rather terrible but funny

    1. Ms brown says:

      If he did that to my garden, I would seriously harm him! with no remorse, lol….

    2. Lou says:

      I did not find it funny at all! As a gardener, I really felt angry at HG 😡 😡😡(There is your negative fuel HG). 😡😡😡
      But you are honest. I respect that.

  12. Insatiable Learner says:

    Excellent article, HG! My narc always praised me and congratulated me on my successes and accomplishments when I shared with him. Is this because I remained in the golden period as his IPSS or DS?

    1. HG Tudor says:


  13. MLA - Clarece says:

    “I have to cut people down. The urge to destroy, denigrate,criticise and belittle is overwhelming.”

    If that isn’t your subconscious re-enacting how MatriNarc treated you during your childhood because it continues to be an unresolved issue keeping Little HG without a voice locked inside you…then blow me over with a feather.

    It doesn’t get any more clearer than that.

    1. AH OH says:

      Spot on MLA. Heart breaking isn’t it. We know he will never be any way other than how he is. This thought alone is heavy.

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