I See Sanctuary

ISEESANCTUARY

When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them. You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me. The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror. Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay. Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me. Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity. The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.

I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way. There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you? Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.

Advertisements

23 thoughts on “I See Sanctuary”

  1. Again, I must ask if this blog entry is from your point of view or ours? I have a tendency to overthink. If it is from your point of view, then I must say in regard to my own interpretation of my situation, and in my defense, I still have that burning admiration, that shining luster of desire, that love. For him. Or what he pretended to be. I am guessing he does not see it anymore? He sees it brighter in someone else? All of the above? None of the above? Something else I am missing? It is a shame that our realities cannot be one in the same.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Is this why I hear “I need the chase?”
    Because fuel becomes stale, there is no way to tell if it will be 3 weeks or 3 years down the line and the fault is that of ours for making it stale.

    Like

  3. rhetorically, is this the view of the narc or the one used by the narc?

    are you sure?

    have you ever considered that the people you use might “fail you” because it’s not them you need to boost you up but yourself and yet you find reasons why you cannot boost yourself and rationalize that it’s others you need… only you’re possibly fearing deep down to fail yourself because if others fail you you can blame them but if you fail yourself you have to shoulder the blame…? that wouldn’t boost you though, so possibly you avoid the very idea of boosting yourself into being a strong healthy being by seeking it in others knowing they are going to fail you? because failing yourself would require you to admit you’re not perfect and you of course cannot have that for you are perfect…

    Like

  4. nice but it explains only part of it, this is not all. I mean when you start the discard phase you know you will cause much hurt and pain, you are aware that you are deeply loved even if you tell yourself you are not looked at the way you were looked before. So this is not why you do it, there is more to it. It may have something to do with being able to stand alone, even when you are with someone.

    Like

  5. H.G.
    What does the monster say? Is it everyday or intermittently? When you refer to the desire has become dull are you saying the newness is not there for us or is it also for you.
    Thanks,

    Like

  6. It seems that as survivors of trauma and abuse we all look for sanctuary from the chaotic storm that could rip our hearts into pieces as we watch it being tossed to the famished wolves. What we are forced to cling to as a protector is always a matter of our circumstances. Purgatory around us or purgatory inside of us; it always embodies itself differently.

    When our damnation unfolds from external factors, it can either continue to swallow us whole until we have personified that which protected us; or it can deliver us. Everyone is scarred in one way or another. Humans hurt one another or love one another in expression of this faculty. Some of us have no choice or don’t know how to change once the void begins to consume. What’s the degree of pain we can cause to others or ourselves to continue breathing? As a person that spent most of her life in a state of survival, the choice to destroy others or myself was a fine line.

    Embracing the beauty or ugliness of our own suffering as victims or perpetrators will inevitably determine the storm that waits outside for us; or the silent killer that corrupts all in it’s path. But I suppose this is just how I see it.

    An article that says so much, thanks for sharing HG.

    Like

  7. Ahhh… yes.
    I was his solace, his rock, his foundation, his treasure, for 4 years, until all of a sudden, I wasn’t.
    He had apparently found a brand new, very young woman who gazed adoringly into his old jaded eyes and made him feel young and vibrant and so very manly again.
    And altho he didnt want to lose me as his “rock”, he ignored, lied to and betrayed me, while telling me he wasn’t doing any of those things.

    Like

  8. The Ex Narc said I made him always feel invincible. I always wondered why he chose that word over happy…. thanks to you not wondering anymore. He can’t feel happiness but feel invincible.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s