The Fuel Matrix – Part Two


As explained in Part One, understanding the fuel matrix for the relevant school of narcissist (with appropriate adjustments relevant to the cadre) allows you to understand how a particular narcissist is likely to respond to your imposition of no contact, dependent on how you fit into that matrix. It also allows you to understand what other competing interests you can expect within this fuel matrix and how the narcissist is likely to interact with these other sources. This part of the series considers the fuel matrix of the Mid-Range School of narcissist.

  1. The Lower Mid-Range Narcissist (“LMRN”)

The LMRN is of reasonable cognitive function. He has no awareness as to what he is. Whilst passive aggressive features are the forte of the Mid Ranger Narcissist, as a lower, he does gravitate towards the aggression of the Lesser Narcissist. This means that when there is an ignition of fury, the relevant victim may well experience the manifestation of physical violence. There is not the blunt fury of the Lesser, but the risk of being punched or kicked is there. The LMRN, when heated fury is ignited, will respond at times by throttling the victim.  There are potential substance abuse issues evident with the LMRN also. He or she will work and have a reasonable job albeit it is unremarkable.

The LMRN relies heavily on people feeling sorry for him or her and this arises either through the manifestation of cold fury, through silent treatments et al or having a temper tantrum as heated fury is exhibited. Unlike the Lesser who will erupt in a volcanic fashion or the Greater who will erupt with a frenzied malice, a calculated application of antipathy which will hurt his or victim, the LMRN is petulant.

Of all the schools and their divisions, the LMRN is most likely to become The Incredible Sulk . He has a fairly low threshold of control on his fury and can either erupt with heated or cold fury and pretty much does so in equal measure, something which is different from the other divisions of schools.

The LMRN has a small fuel matrix. He has little charm, if any, he will have limited financial power and relies on people feeling sorry for him and wanting to help him. The LMRN who is of the Victim Cadre is a pathetic creature indeed. In terms of the fuel matrix, it is as follows

a. The primary source will usually be intimate in nature. There may be occasions where the LMRN will skulk back to his or her parents and place them as primary source but most of the time the primary source will be intimate in nature and is often someone who is a The Carrier Empath to put up with the fairly low energy level of the LMRN and his or her propensity to sulk. The primary source is expected to work and run the house and will be denied much opportunity to socialise as the LMRN will not want that person being away from them.

b. There will be numerous familial secondary sources. Unlike the Lower Lesser or Middle  Lesser, the LMRN is able to maintain reasonably good relationships with his family because he seeks pity and sympathy more than fear and hurt. They will regard him as moody but will put up with it meaning he is able to rely on these secondary sources as reliable. This is necessary because of the point in (c).

c. The social secondary sources will be limited. Lacking charm and generally regarded as sulky, self-centred and something of a mardy arse, the LMRN struggles with creating a significant social secondary source circle. He will have a small number, three or four, inner circle friends with whom he will do most things;

d. The LMRN usually works and therefore will have colleague secondary sources. He will not be held in high regard by them but nevertheless his less volcanic nature means that he will have numerous of these colleague secondary sources dependent on the size of the organisation he works for;

e. The LMRN will have an IPSS when the IPPS is being devalued. It is unusual for him to have more than one and it is often the case that the IPSS will not be recruited from a social setting but usually through work;

f. In terms of tertiary sources, the LMRN will engage with a reasonable number of these sources as he works, he will be out and about in terms of shopping etc and his interactions will largely be benign in nature unless he perceives a criticism and then he will readily erupt in order to draw negative fuel from the offending tertiary source.

2. The Middle Mid-Ranger Narcissist (“MMRN”)

The MMRN has a little charm but his weapon is politeness and behaving in a respectable manner. He or she is well-thought of. The MMRN is not a huge attention seeker and does not exhibit grandiose behaviours. Instead the MMRN wants to be well thought of by everybody. This person is intelligent and is likely to have a good job.

Like any narcissist, the MMRN is hugely sensitive to criticism and the MMRN is more sensitive than most. This is because he lacks the dynamic aggression of the Lesser rf the malevolent charm of the Greater but instead feels constrained by his lack of ability to influence people in a sudden and meaningful manner. This means that the MMRN is an envious individual and is always looking to gain the advantage from covert and secretive means. He throws the figurative second punch (often piggybacking on the behaviour of a Greater although he does not know that this is what that person is). He is two-faced, a spreader of gossip and always looking to get other people to do his dirty work. He is cowardly but will never countenance being called as such. He ingratiates himself with people through his intelligence and limited charm and is prone to repeated pity plays. He is the archetypal architect of the silent treatment in all its forms and heated fury is rare with him. If it does appear, it will be shouting, spitting and slapping. He is an habitual liar, not just in a defensive manner (which is what Lessers and the LMRN do) but in a proactive manner, in order to cause trouble and cajole people into acting on his behalf through the dissemination of gossiping untruths.

The fuel matrix of the MMRN is not extensive but is larger than that of the LMRN.

a. The primary source. Rarely a family member and nearly always an intimate partner. This person will be guilt-tripped into doing everything for the supposedly hard-working MMRN. He will use his façade of being a ‘regular’ guy to keep the IPPS in place. He will unleash repeated silent treatments, blame-shifting and projection to maintain the upper hand;

b. Familial secondary sources.  The MMRN has reliable and extensive familial secondary sources. He is either well-regarded by those of The Coterie who consider him to be a well-brought up son, well-regarded nephew and brother, or as someone who is prone to being viewed as “sensitive” being the unknowing victim’s view of this particular narcissist. Either way the family secondary circle is one which is compliant for the MMRN;

c. Colleague secondary sources. The MMRN has a reasonable sized fuel matrix at work. This is roughly equal between those who consider him a diligent worker and reliable and those who consider him to be untrustworthy and a brown-noser. Whilst the MMRN will make pity plays concerning the unfair attitude of the latter group, the fact remains that he has engagement with well over a dozen people, possibly more dependent on the size of the workplace, all of which who are locked into his fuel matrix.

d. With respect to the social secondary sources, the MMRN does not have an extensive social circle. His matrix draws from the IPPS and the secondary sources through family and work. Lacking the charisma and grandiose behaviours which might draw people to him socially in significant numbers, the MMRN keeps his social circle small with perhaps 4-6 inner circle friends. He will not see these friends with significant regularity but instead does so more through the auspices of organised events, such as dinner parties amongst the groups or attendance at functions.

e. The MMRN will have an IPSS at the appropriate time. He is capable of securing the attentions of two IPSSs through a combination of intelligence and manipulation. He relies, like the LMRN on the workplace being the feeder ground for the selection and cultivation of the IPSS or IPSSs. Somewhat ponderous in nature and also very much aware of his façade the MMRN is careful to keep IPPS and IPSSs very separate.

f. The MMRN will engage with tertiary sources as a consequence of job, social life and general community involvement. Again, his awareness of the façade means that his engagements for the most part will be benign in nature. Should a tertiary source wound him, he is less likely to lash out at that tertiary source and instead more likely to triangulate the individual through the raising of a complaint to the relevant person.

3. The Upper Mid-Range Narcissist (“UMRN”)

This division of the Mid Range school of narcissism is of considerable intelligence. He also has some reasonable charm. People often mistake the UMRN for a Greater. This is because the UMRN has a degree of sophistication, some charm and some calculation. He is rarely physical with his victims and instead he is a master manipulator through the application of silence. Whether it is a steely gaze, a glacial shoulder or ghosting, the UMRN is able to use the silent treatment to the greatest effect. He instinctively identifies victims who find such treatment of being ignored and overlooked especially disturbing. He is also capable in terms of playing people off against one another. He does not have the tantrum behaviour of the LMRN nor the avoidant tendencies of the MMRN, instead he finds considerable fuel in playing people against one another based on petty insecurities. He will use exclusion from a group, be it work, family or social as the stick by which to bring about compliance. He does not hit, he does not threaten but rather he uses the imposition of silence through exclusion as a major modus operandi to achieving what he requires.

a. The primary source. This is nearly always going to be an intimate partner. His attributes and the fact that he will hold a senior or professional position makes him an attractive prospect. He appears lacking volatility since he has a better hold on his ignited fury than the other schools and divisions mentioned so far. He will have decent financial ability. He relies extensively on the IPPS as other narcissists do, but his reliance is not as great as the other schools and divisions touch on.

b. Familial secondary sources. He is generally well-regarded by his family secondary sources and can command numerous of them for the purposes of support and fuel. He is likely to have made an example of one or two and excluded them from the group and no longer bothers with them. Expect therefore one or two black sheep to exist in the fuel matrix of the UMRN;

c. Colleague secondary sources. The UMRN will have a significant work fuel matrix. The UMRN is less likely to be a business owner as he prefers to be part of a large machine, thus as a senior manager in a corporate setting, a partner in an accountancy practice or an academic in a college or university he is able to interface with dozens of people who he will utilise as secondary sources. The majority will regard him in a benign manner, but he will have made one or two enemies within the workplace, again arising from his ability to freeze people out;

d. Social secondary sources. The  UMRN will have the largest social circle of all mid-rangers but it is still not extensive. Work and family provide the bulk of his secondary sources and socially he will have numerous outer circle friends (often drawn from work) perhaps around a dozen and only say two or three inner circle friends who are likely to be long-standing in nature. Outer circle friends will also be lost from time to time through his exclusionary behaviours.

e. IPSSs. The UMRN is capable of operating two or more IPSSs should the need arise. He will carefully keep them separate from one another, deploying the assistance of Lieutenants in ensuring that they do not find out about one another until after the event or if he decides there is something to be served in such triangulation, but this is rare. He has the sophistication and attraction to keep several plates spinning and once people learn about such Casanova behaviour they would be rather surprised by such a revelation;

f. The UMRN knows numerous tertiary sources. He interacts with them as a consequence of his varied involvement in the community, socially and through work. He is most mindful of the efficacy of the façade and therefore is mainly pleasant and benign in his interactions with them as he wishes to remain well thought of. If a tertiary source displeases him, he will not lash out, but again will request their removal as waiter or a change of post man etc from the relevant powers that be.

Part Three examines the Fuel Matrix of the Greater school of narcissism.


89 thoughts on “The Fuel Matrix – Part Two”

    1. Hello J, glad you liked it. Yes the MMRN does hoover. In a nutshell for the purposes of the question being here, if it is a benign hoover, he is most likely to do so through messages, e-mails, sending flowers, dispatching a Lieutenant to you and such like. This is done because it is a ‘toe in the water’ approach because there remains a fear of rejection and this step is taken as a ‘bridging’ approach to establish that the victim is well disposed to the narcissist. If so, the hoovering will increase and be in person in due course. Essentially the content of the hoovers will be self-pity (I cannot live without you), blame-shifting (how could you do this to us) and/or false promises/contrition (I know I did some bad things but I can change).

  1. It’s so frustrating to me that I can’t figure out what he is. I feel like knowing it for sure holds some key, or the major piece to the puzzle. Maybe he IS an Upper Mid-Range. Huge family, but extended, he has no siblings. Spends every Christmas with them in a mansion and loves it. No friends, the people he knows are basically all either through his (ex-)wife, his job or some sleazy online dating site.
    He is a business owner, and I remember when he decided to leave his company I even asked “won’t you miss those people”. I guess what I was really wondering was “what about your fuel?”.
    The thing that throws me off is he has no fury. He has never been physically violent, has shouted at me exactly once in four years, he doesn’t even get angry, or doesn’t show it in the way other people do. He does a lot of silent treatment, not in the beginning, but towards the end it was his hobby.

    1. This post is so very enlightening. My soon to be ex is a mid mid range. It all makes sense. He is doing a benign hoover at the moment and I am in my logic mind adopting gray rock. I nearly had a nervous breakdown after the 7 months of cruelty which coincided with his love bombing his new IPPS. The grand discard was particularly cruel but logical. I initiated everything by refusing to engage and ignoring him. I also called him out on his behavior in a cold way. I see now that he had to find a new supply, punish and then discard. He moved in with her 4 days after we broke up. He is king of the silent treatment, triangulation, manipulation, disappearing act and passive aggressive behavior. I think that I am a super empath. Did I do a super nova? HG you are a wonderful writer who is doing a great service for those of us who have been victimized. I feel empowered. Thank you.

      1. Thank you for your comments.

        If you wish to establish what type of empath you are, use the Empath Detector Consultation.

        From the brief details provided, my preliminary view is that you did not go supernova.

  2. Holy crap, my soon-to-be ex husband is definitely at LMRN. once I moved out, he sought his fuel through his family even though not 2 months ago he dogged them all out and professed his disdain for them all. He literally makes me sick.

  3. HG,

    You state that they use co-workers as IPSS, however I was the IPPS and one of his co-workers was the IPSS and has now moved into my old position as IPPS. Why on earth would a narc shit where they eat? Do they not think ahead to having to work with this person long term after devaluing? Would this be the work of a lesser mid ranger? Although upon reading he seems like a mid mid ranger.

  4. Here is the difference in my opinion,from dealing with a lesser as opposed to an UMRN which I have long term relationship with both. I owned real estate with one ,lived with him and am still dealing with him because we have two children. This is the lesser. I lost everything I owned because of him. He continued to keep me in a prison even after I moved away. He held child support over my head to control me etc. I finally got it and I was free. I got my life together with the speed of light after that only to have an Upper come in and take that away. My point is that losing material things and being abused by a lesser can be devastating but in no way ,shape, form did it even come close to the soul crushing devastation that HE caused me. NOT EVEN CLOSE. The higher the intelligence , the worse abuse and manipulation suffered. Thank God I am who and what I am because I should be dead. Really. Those Greater and Upper Mid Range fucker’s! !! This is why when I started using my own intelligence against him….he was freaking. I could go on his Facebook page and or see a girl in public and be like ok ….you’re sleeping with her,her,her,her. I realize now he loved the challenge of that but it still pissed him off. It is why he would constantly call me stupid because I was the opposite of it. I figured out what he was….How stupid could I have been.

  5. Thank you for these three articles with a detailed description about Lessers, Mid-Rangers and Greaters. I think my mother was a LMRN of the Victim cadre. No hobbies, no interests, no real friends, only family members, relatives, some acquaintances and tertiary sources.

    She used to turn my father against me first thing in the morning while both of them were having breakfast. After that she would call her mother and later another relative of hers every single day of the week, unless they visited. Her monologues were at least one hour long and they were mainly about me (scapegoat). She used to spend at least two hours speaking badly of me every single day of the week. She would also call acquaintances to tell them lies about me. I used to leave the house early in the morning and come back late in the evening after 9.30 pm so I hardly had any interaction with her except for greeting her or for taking care of her when she was ill at home/hospital. When I left for work early in the morning, she was usually on the phone talking about me and speaking loud enough so that I could hear her. She referred to me as “That one”.
    She did not work outside the home and had people to clean the house and buy the groceries. They were not supposed to clean or do anything for me, though. I had to do all my laundry, clean my room and so on from an early age.

    This said, there wasn’t really any reason for her to complain about me. I used to ignore her spiteful words completely because telling her to stop would only make things worse. In my own opinion, she had a sad, empty, shallow life, indeed.

    I would like to ask you a question, HG. After reading your articles, I think that although I did not give my LMRN Victim mother any fuel, her empty shallow life consisted in **getting fuel*** every single day of the week every time she spoke for hours to her mother, to her relative and also to her acquaintances, smearing me and playing the victim role. Is this correct? This is how she occupied her time.

      1. I really appreciate your time and help very much. Thank you so much, HG! One of my siblings used to tell me that sometimes I looked sad, although I did not notice it myself. This could have been her fuel sometimes.

        Although at that time I had not heard anything about dysfunctional families dynamics and narcissism, I somehow *knew* that if I cut off all contact with her and she did not have anyone new to project her hate onto, she would die. This happened in less than 6 weeks after I moved abroad and she was not able to contact me for different reasons. I felt relief when she passed away.

    1. Hurt,
      Holy shit, mine too! At least from my perception anyway. Huge social media following but always so lonely. Was yours religious as well? Oh the piano playing church boy facade!!!!! Can do no wrong in the eyes of everyone….

      1. No actually not religious. I think he is jealous of jesus lol. He always makes fun of religion and jesus. But if asked by people about jesus he will say he is religious but will quickly steer the conversation in a different direction. He is always busy with some community project to uplift the poor and he makes sure to arrange that the media is there #hilarious

  6. My ex seems to be an UMRN because he has a huge social circle. He goes silent often, and utilizes pity plays when he’s depressed.

    1. We were just discussing the “troubled soul” thing yesterday.

      And a reply to Jenna….you’ve described mine as well. Big social circle, silence and pity plays!

      1. Mine also. Big social circle but no close friends. He only use these people for favours. These are people who look up to him so much and always try to get his approval. More like a group of followers.

  7. Another Excellent article HG!! I would like to get your opinion on which type you think he mist likely is from everything I have told you about “him” in all of our phone consultations.
    Thank you in advance & looking forward to our next phone consultation!

  8. HG,
    You have described my ex Angelo verbatim! Being an UMRN with some characteristic of the MMRN (Pity plays, victim, coward, envious, secretive, etc)the rest in 100% as you described-UNBELIEVABLE-I am filled with goose bumps! Even the fact that 2 brothers do not speak to him and he has gotten waiters fired.
    You mentioned: “He relies extensively on the IPPS as other narcissists do, but his reliance is not as great as the other schools and divisions touch on.” Could you give me an example? Wow, I feel this article was written especially for me! Thank you Sir. I only wish I could have spared myself the last 10 years but I would not have sought you out then, I was too besotted by love; or so I thought.

  9. Wow. I believe I am dealing with an MMRN about 95% spot on, word for word! The only things I have not been able to apply are the “hitting/spitting/slapping” fury and the gossiping. BUT then again we were LDR so this is something I would probably see if I interacted with him in everyday life rather than the majority of phone/text/online etc. But other than that I think I have finally made sense of something on this website. That is not to say your other entries have not been good, they have been good, but based on what I read earlier I could not really classify him but with your other articles and additional groups/subgroups being discussed in more detail, things are slowly starting to make sense now.

    Holy crap about “always behaving politely and respectfully”. That is so eerily on point. I lost count of the times he used to tell me “I am the nicest guy you will ever meet”. “I understand this or that more than anyone you’ll ever know”. His stories were always charming and witty. “I am a nice guy but I need my coffee!”

    The sources of fuel from the workplace? Eerily accurate again! That is where he met the other IPPS he was dabbling with on the side behind his wife’s back. He had a double life with her for several years before getting caught.

    Boss and coworkers sang his praises all the time as the that “nicest guy”. He is active in the church too. I can go on and on. Almost that entire paragraph is so specific to how he is.

    I have just two follow-up question if you do not mind.

    #1. Will you ever do an article in regard to sex and all these different groups and subgroups of Narcissist? I finished your Sex book and I found that some of it applied but a lot of it did not. I was not really able to classify him in any of the types of Narcissist discussed in the book. He was too much of a sexual monster to classify in the lower types but he also did not fit in the higher types either. Your article here was able to narrow it down more accurately. I hope my inquiry makes sense.

    And….#2. You say an LMRN does not know what he is. In your experience, do you find that an MMRN knows what he is?

    Thank you for your continued perspective, it continues to help me very much.

      1. Can they be applied to more than one category? For example can a middle range be cerebral but also victim as well? I find that as I read more he seems to fall under both (cerebral for the intelligence, big words, sexual behavior, etc.) but victim as well (the pitying nonsense). Or do they just get applied to whichever category they have the most in common with? I hope you understand what I am trying to ask. Thank you much!

  10. Hi HG. Which group of midranger is the one who uses excessive gaslighting and triangulation? Also lies a lot but not convincingly? Insists on his way or the highway?

  11. Excellent piece once again. LMRN with some tendencies of MMRN in my case. Very helpful. Thank you!

          1. HG, I didn’t know that! But do you have your own opinion hidden inside? Or do you not have your own opinion due to having an under-defined sense of self?

          2. If you have your own interests, your own hobbies, your own preferences, your own opinions, why do you say there is a void? Not having certain emotions is just part of an entire personality. It is not everything HG. I would like to say there is not so much of a void as you think.

          3. I still believe the void is not as hollow as you think HG. But matrinarc never allowed you to recognize your inner self. That’s why you believe what you believe. Damn matrinarc! 😠

  12. Pity, sympathy and empathy are major parts of OUR tool box, so it becomes essential to separate that from tolerating intentional destruction as well as if not more important – self-destruction. There isn’t anything worse than a liar, a cheat and a deceitful fake person. I can honestly say that I now believe nothing unless I have actually witnessed it myself. Sad. What I pity is his lack of awareness and how his miserable life will never change in the absence of that awareness.

  13. I knew I was going to enjoy this one! From reading other articles of yours I already had him pinned ages ago as a mid-ranger, now reading this this it’s crystal clear to me he’s a middle-mid. Every word of it is eerily accurate!

    Having been here for around 6 months, I often notice how other people’s posts could have been written by me!! (waves at ninocturnal 😉 )

    You bring wonderful clarity of thought, and validation, and vindication to me and my thoughts as I try and unscramble my brain. I’m so grateful for the level of understanding that reading your works has given to me. I think I’d have been floundering around in that emotional sea a lot more without you.

    Thanks HG.

  14. As I was reading these three levels of Mid range I immediately identified all three of them in my life. Each fits the respective description like a glove, although all three are women.

  15. Once again spot on! My only question is the lack of rage against me. I know prior women saw it but I am much stronger and never used harsh words nor said nasty things while angry. I guess that kept him calm. Only twice in all those years I got two very degrading sentences thrown at me. I’ll keep on educating myself here. Caught up in some anger again yesterday but feel more balanced after reading more. No revenge or anger will heal us … only knowledge and moving forward. Thank you!

    1. Broken,
      I did not deal with any “rage” either. Even when he said shit to me like “You need medication, you need a therapist, you are crazy” and blamed me and so on, he did it in his “nice guy” persona. Acted like he was concerned and was giving me advice, helping me. All manipulation but done so with politeness and charm. He was quite adamant in telling me how he was such a nice guy too and that he “never loses his shit” and the few times he does he is always in private. Of course at the time all this was going on I thought nothing of that comment. But now whenever I remember something he said to me a light goes off in my head of “well damn! That makes sense now!”

      One of the many questions I had was, do certain people not see the rage? For example me, I was LD, dirty secret, toy on the shelf. I probably see/saw way less than his wife did. Do you know what I mean?

  16. Thank you for this, HG, it explains a lot. Think I’m mostly dealing with an LMRN. Lucky me! Oh, the sound of silence.

  17. Awesome info! HG, can a umrn rage, yell, threaten, be married but carry on multiple long-term affairs, very popular and well liked in the community, generous for the sake of appearance and yet selfish, to name a few, or does this sound like one of the other mid-ranges? Btw, he acknowledged having ability to switch love on and off, also admitted to how easy it is to use psychology to manipulate others…

    1. Mel….
      Were we caught up with the same guy? This is where I am at. Everything I read classified as MMRN to me (a detailed consult pointed to UMRN)….but the being married, long-term affairs (my predecessor was with him for 18 months supposedly), church guy (does music there) as well as community theater, well liked in the community as well, etc. He also was very manipulative in terms of psychology as well.

  18. This was very helpful for me as well, HG. I have been trying for nearly 2 years to place one of mine who hoovered me after 34 years. Everything in the middle mid-range is totally him! I wonder if this type often waits many years to hoover? Seems likely to fit their MO. He was just not good enough in so many ways, I just couldn’t put up with him and cut him off. Probably will never hear from him again. I’ll be dead before he gets up the courage to try hoovering again! 😝

  19. HG, if a narcissist has a good job but not an overly prominent one, is not ambitious professionally, appeals to pity/ plays victim, projects, is charming enough and attractive (he is somatic), is polite, appears to have good relationship with his family, is he likely a middle mid-ranger (rather than an upper mid-ranger)? Thank you!

  20. I have been unsure what category he belonged to, being new here and still processing it all. Definitely a MMRN, especially the blame-shifting, projection, pity plays and high sensitivity levels. And the envy, my god, he doesn’t just have a chip on his shoulder, he has a whole bloody plateful 😀

    I’ve been reading this site for less than a week and already feel that I know far more about him now than I ever did whilst I was with him. How sad is that? I’m far from over him and what he’s done, but at least now I have some understanding about what it is I’m actually recovering from. Of course, in his neurotic hate-filled mind it’s all my fault but after reading your posts I no longer feel anger or hate him back. I feel compassion for his burden and the dark and lonely emptiness within him but my empathy has been dwarfed by the understanding that first and foremost I will now always need to protect myself from who he is. This site is the reason for that. It is both invaluable and utterly fascinating. Thanks.

      1. Through reading this blog, my critical thinking has made a much awaited comeback. I am no longer overwhelmed with unanswered questions, and am now clinical and dispassionate instead (well, mostly 😉). Thank you for your candour and honesty sir. It is appreciated.

    1. Nicnocturnal,
      Like you I was full of questions about my relationship with my ex-doing the cycle for 10+ years until my final discard in December. I found this site and have read 18 of HG’s books on kindle from Amazon. I started with “Manipulation” and gone on from there. His books and this blog have changed my life-I have not responded to 3 hoovers (when they try and contact you) and am keeping NO CONTACT in place-which is something I could not do before finding HG. Thanks to his help and all the material he provides to us victims I am starting to finally feel better after almost 3 months. I highly recommend you read his books because although this site is wonderful and I have his articles emailed to me daily, the books are more detailed and deal with so many intricate topics.
      Welcome aboard!

      1. Thanks Victoria 😀 I have downloaded a few of the books to my kindle app. They make for interesting reading indeed.

        I had an inkling he was a narcissist before we separated. It was only when I found this site after he dumped me that my worst fears were confirmed.

        I had to remain in contact as he had my furniture and possessions. He was truly despicable whenever we texted, and was posting vitriol on Facebook for all to see. He even hacked my messager app and took photos of my conversations. Yet all the while he’s still claiming he’s the victim. Haha.

        I’ve blocked him from my phone and from FB. I’ve only told a handful of trusted friends what really happened and most of our mutual friends have been told that I’m moving on and that I don’t want to involve them in our private business, thus not providing him with any fuel whatsoever. He has a large following on Facebook and they are quite welcome to his histrionics, hatred and immensely boring self-pity!

        This site has been largely responsible for my newly found determination to utterly rid him out of my life. I’m glad you have found it equally enlightening and it’s allowed you to strengthen your resolve accordingly. It’s a huge step to take when you’re mentally worn down from having to interact with them and they are constantly denigrating your character to everyone. Well done and good luck x

      2. Victoria, I have maintained no contact for one month now- same as you I could not stay away before finding this blog, and also I now understand him (UMRN) so much more after a week of this blog than knowing him for over 8 years and dating him (shelf IPSS) for 2. I still don’t feel much better yet, but at least the anxiety has subsided (slightly, at times.) So after 3 months you felt better? Two more months to go then! Hopeful…

        1. Same here . Shelf IPSS and he is also UMRN. I will never identify with being that again and will never be that again. No doubt he will probably try to put me backcto IPPS. He can try all he wants. Not happening.

          1. Shocking to realize, isn’t it? That we were living on a shelf? Mine did a pretty good job at making it seem like women were just not at the top of his priority list – as if he was really into me but very busy with work and his son. Until he finally let it “slip,” in a way, that he is constantly pursuing other women, which is why he only had such limited time for me. I was never the IPPS with him (although I’ve had more serious relationships with other narcs) which is also shocking to think he probably had a IPPS this whole time and seeing me behind her back?! Actually I could see him being one of the UMRN that has a three or more different IPSS’s and refuse to commit to any of them. Not only am I insulted that I was given this “title” as shelf IPSS, I’m so angry at myself for accepting it as long as I did.

          2. Well here is a cluster Fuck for you. 20 years ago I started out as his IPSS because he had a live in girl at the time. I now realize he was probably going to promote me to primary as him and his girl were having issues at that point. But back then I had zero patience even as much as he had an affect on me. I ended up with his friend,also a Narc but a lesser. I had 2 children with him but always kept in touch and had a close relationship with him. I never cheated on my ex with him but came close a couple times. Then 4 years ago I was long done with my ex and he made me primary source. Then moved me around to secondary and then primary again then shelf. What a horrible existence. Now if I could stop wanting to murder him….I would be good. Lol All of the healing I did and ultimately it was HG and counseling with him to get ill at the thought of him. I couldn’t even get through the Sex and the Narcissist book without wanting to vomit . Happy Healing.

  21. Great article HG. As always, incredibly helpful. Can you please tell me, do the MMRN and the UMRN know what they are?

    Thank you.

      1. How did you become aware you were Narc, and then a Greater HG? Do most Greaters arrive at that juncture or certain point in the same way? Why can’t mids and lessers figure it out? Cognitive, lack of self awareness? Thank you

        1. Information conveyed to me by a former girlfriend. I read further after what she told me. So it was a combination of being told and then increased self-awareness which is applicable for our school.
          Lesser and Mid-Range do not have the cognitive function and they are created in a way which means that their defence mechanisms are such that they cannot know what they are.

          1. Hello HG , So do you think an UMRN has the emotional capacity to know what he is ? He has the intelligence but I honestly cannot say with any certainty. Thoughts ?

          2. No Stephanie, he is aware of how something often does not feel right, he is aware of what he does hurts people, but he does not own any responsibility and would reject any suggestion of being a narcissist. He would be more likely to use his behaviours as evidence of being a “troubled soul” in order to milk sympathy from a victim and continue to manipulate that person.

          3. Thank you HG. He always said after watching the American Series “The Mentalist ” that he finally figured himself out. In the show the main character who was a mentalist worked as a consultant with law enforcement using his skills to solve crimes. An atonement for past crimes of using his skills to earn money as a psychic which ultimately led to the brutal murder of his wife and little girl. He said Patrick Jane was like him because he too used his skills for bad. I asked what that was often and finally he said ” well to seduce woman of course.” Patrick Jane my ass !!!

          4. But narcs are “troubled souls”, so why what’s wrong if we offer them sympathy? They have most likely suffered childhood abuse. How is this manipulation on the narc’s end to want sympathy? I think it’s ok.

          5. Because it is a manipulation to cause you to provide fuel and remain bound to the individual narcissist, it is done for self-serving reasons. Again, you are falling victim to his manipulation by thinking it is okay to continue to engage with him.

          6. So before you knew what you were, which school were you in? still a greater but just unaware? So would that mean there are greaters who don’t know what they are yet? Would it not then be okay to tell them?

          7. HG, your comment made (well truth is all your comments really), much sense. I believe it is a level of awareness. I recall reading just today from another of your blogs that Greaters will have more (or appearance of increased) “cognitive empathy”. I have a few other projects, however would like to email you at some point to get your expert opinion take, if ok. thanks

      2. So from their perception without the awareness that they are Narcissist, they would probably not identify what they do as trying to obtain fuel, how would they perceive their actions?

  22. This is brilliant, HG! Outstanding read! Could you please elaborate on: “the MMRN is careful to keep IPPS and IPSSs very separate”? I think I was involved with MMRN as an IPSS. He was married. I knew about the wife (the “crazy abuser”) but she obviously did not about me. Thank you!

  23. Very good explanations HG. Funny when I see it clearly in black in white everything resonates so clearly with me as to who he was. It also makes me wonder why at the time I spent so much time overcompensating, walking on eggshells, trying to rearrange the world and everything in it in hopes of pleasing him. The truth is he gave very little back financially, emotionally , even mentally.I guess truthfully.. he gave nothing back unless it benefited him. But still I wonder why when I had so much good in my life, so much love, an amazing career… why I actually let him into my life and almost destroy it.. especially when I knew who he was fairly early on and was educated enough to see what was right in front of me.😏Thank you HG

    1. Star,
      I agree with your sentiments exactly! I have asked myself that questions since learning the facts from HG. I can see staying on with a Greater but why with a MMRN or UMRN-they offer very little back.

    2. The answer to that is that you let your habitual subconscious patterns run the show, because the intellectual part of you thought it was so smart and in control you could handle him or cope with his bullshit. The fact is we must always fight against these old patterns which do nothing more than allow ourselves to be degraded over and over again. It’s an extremely hard pattern to drop because the mind always wants to follow what’s deeply ingrained emotionally as a behavior.

  24. Thank you. Although all bring about a array of introspection and knowledge, this added additional insight that would not be seen in any textbook.

  25. So spot on UMRN. He definitely loved playing people against each other. Definitely made many enemies at work and had long standing friends that sometimes get thrown out of the circle for a bit.

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