Don’t Know What You Want

 

DON'T KNOW WHATYOU WANT

“I don’t know what you want, heaven knows I have tried. Every day I have spent my time in the pursuit of your happiness. It was easy at first because you seemed so happy. I don’t think I had seen anybody who acted in such a care free manner. Nothing seemed to bother you, hold you back or distract you. You moved with such intent, acted with defined purpose and I must confess I found that attractive. The singularity of your aim was evident to even the casual observer. You shrugged off mishaps, shirked disaster and dodged catastrophe as if you had once pledged that you would never countenance anything that could hinder or hold you back. It is admirable and impressive. With that ability to glide effortlessly through life you always seemed happy, or at least that is what I thought. You made me happy too. Goodness knows you did. You did it better than anybody else and with such conviction. I can place my hand on my heart and confirm that I have never experienced anybody like you. Your capacity for love exceeded anything I had witnessed before. Everything else paled next to you and your blazing golden sunshine. You chased away the gloom, you lit up the darkest of days and you always did so with such confidence and fortitude. It was easy to love you, you made it easy. Who wouldn’t love a god who had deigned to walk on the earth in such a manner? Of all of the billions making their way across this planet you came and you chose me. Me. Two small letters yet you made those letters fill your life and there was no room for anything else. I had never been the focus of such love, attention and affection and do you know, I doubt I ever will again. There is nobody like you. I mean that as a compliment, I honestly do, nobody loved me the way you did. If I had not seen it happening and felt it envelope me I would never have believed it and believe in it I did, with every ounce of my being. You know I almost felt obliged to love you. How could I not after all the things you did for me and everything you said? I would surely be a cold-hearted harridan to have denied you the most perfect love after what you showed me. I could no less reciprocate what you gave me than walk away and I feel hard and deep for you so that it made loving you easy. I gave everything for you but if I am honest, at least at first, it was no chore, no arduous exercise or thorny path. It was bliss. You invigorated me, you elated me and you inspired me. You became the centre of my world and thus I loved you in every conceivable way that I could, with my eyes, my mouth, my fingers, my breath and my heart. I woke and the first thing I thought of was you. I found you filling my thoughts often and repeatedly as I considered how best I could return your wonderful love. I sculpted my life around yours as I cooked for you, I shopped for you, I listened to you and I counselled you. I soothed your fevered brow and held your clammy hand as you slipped into a chaotic slumber. I laundered your clothes, I searched for your keys, I supported your endeavours and I lauded your achievements. I made myself the best person you could ever want by your side and I strove each and every day to maintain our happiness for our perfect union. I invested everything I had in our partnership as I wanted to be Robin to your Batman, Hutch to your Starsky and the Sundance kid to your Butch Cassidy.  I portrayed nothing less than the perfect visage to all of those who admire you. The bended knee people, the hand-kissers, the bowing people and those at your elbow and over your shoulders. I gave them no reason to doubt us, to doubt you. I smiled when the pain tried to prevent me from doing so. I blinked back the tears when they wanted to pour. I searched for answers even when I began to realise that none would be forthcoming. You made me twist, turn and dangle as you had me like Don Quixote, tilting at those windmills because they might be giants. You made me think that enemies lurked behind every corner, their long-fingered jealousy ready to steal what we had. I searched for them, ready to strike them down in furtherance of what we have, because I believed in you and I. I gave every minute of every day to you, I cancelled my plans, I let friends loose and irked my family in order to give you what I thought you wanted. I cleaned, I worked, I bathed, I trimmed, I cut, I dieted, I measured, I washed and I did so all because of you. I had come so far along the road with you that I was not going to stop because somehow I knew that we would succeed, all I had to do was find what it was that you wanted. That is me, you see, I am a giver and you are a receiver. That does not pain me because I have spent most of my life being a provider and a giver, that is why I was put on the earth, to care, to worry, to look after and to cherish. That is my role and I have discharged myself in this role with utter dedication and distinction. I know I can lie straight in the bed, even more so because you no longer frequent it with me and do so in the knowledge that I have done everything I could for you. You could not want for more. You could not want for a better person than. You were the best for me and I wanted to be the best for you too. They say that when you are going through hell you should keep on going, but I cannot. These shaking hands, my scarred forearms and thinning hair tell me otherwise. The incessant dull ache in my brown, the stoop that I have acquired and the ever present sense of dread threaten to consign me to oblivion. I thought that if I knew what you wanted, if I worked and tried, I could ascertain what it was that you wanted and then I could give it to you and we would be one again. We would be us. We would be happy.

I don’t know what you want.

But I cannot give it anymore.”

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9 thoughts on “Don’t Know What You Want”

  1. Again I wonder is this the Narc perspective or the victim? Or is it left up to our own interpretation? The reason I ask is because similar things to the above were often said to ME from him. Or is that just all part of his mind f**k?

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  2. this is/was my life. im currently trying to detangle myself. even after all the lying, the meaness, the selfishness, the coldness, the gambling, the changing faces, the just ‘me me me’ lifestyle, no compliments, no i love you, no handholding, no gentleness, no heart, no care. i loved that man till i had nothing left and he took it all with a smiling face. his friend once described him as the ‘smiling crocodile’. i didnt listen. i had found my ‘god’. the most amazing man in the world. i was love bombed while i had what he needed. then he stayed, but the mask was gone..and with it…so was the man i loved. i still want him back and i dont know why. ive kicked him out, and as usual hes not ringing telling me he should have treated me better, or will change. hes lying and making up stories so i will feel sorry for him and still telling me its all my fault. i have kicked him out, hes living in MY car and hes still as arrogant as ever. his usual self, laughing, lying, surviving, sounding like this is all just an adventure and hes just waiting for me to forgive him. nothing he has to fix. its my fault for being angry. seriously you guys could walk on water, you could make people believe you had turned water to wine, while people sipped on soured milk. theres a dance in your eyes that is evasive and mysterious and yet even with the mask off we still love you. after 5 years of marriage i still feel like i dont know him and thats part of the attraction. but really i do, hes done everything to advantage himself while happily stepping on all of us and hasnt lost a wink of sleep doing it. and part of me still wants him back. he has the black magic running through his veins

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  3. I’m not sure who’s narrating this the empath or the narc. I took it as the empath. I was pretty close to perfection in the relationship which is why I was left so confused. But now I realize nothing would’ve ever been good enough! Will never make that mistake again ✌🏼

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  4. This one awakened the rage I had so efficiently repressed. I did’t realize I was still pissed at the narc lizard (and myself as I think I’m more pissed at myself).

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