A Madman’s Diary

A MADMAN'SDIARY

 

 

I recently picked up a book that I had not read for many years. It is called A Madman’s Diary by Lu Xun. I have a translated copy. It is an interesting book and one which is rather relevant but that is not the purpose of mentioning it. It was, as I was leafing through to find a particular section, the place where a piece of neatly folded paper slipped from the pages of the book and nestled on the floor. Interested by this runaway piece of paper I set the book down and stooped to pick up the piece that lay beneath me. The paper was cream and of a decent weight and I smiled as I recognised where it had come from. It was the only thing that she had in common with my mother but she also knew the value of writing on a quality piece of paper. I unfolded it and there was my confirmation of the author as her neat, copperplate writing spread out before me. She always wrote with a fountain pen, a Mont Blanc and she kept a pot of ink at my house as she preferred to draw the ink from the pot into the pen rather than use the cartridges. I used to enjoy watching her as she carefully applied the nib to the dark liquid and then applied the mechanism to draw it up before cleaning off the oozing nib with a piece of blotting paper which soon became stained in a way not unlike the cover of the book which I had just put to one side. She used to hold up the blotting paper and invite me to comment on what I saw. I played along, since Rorschach was familiar to me. I always invented something spectacular though so she would comment and do so with her eyes with impressed admiration.

“I see a lion eating out a bison from behind,” I would say slowly and she would twist the blotting paper and peer at it to see if she accorded with my view.

“I see a crow stuck in the branches of a tree.”

“I see a dented crown.”

“I see a conflagration about a baby.”

“I see dumb people.”

Each time she filled her elegant writing instrument we would have this little game of me looking at the blotting paper, with its splodges, dots and streaks and without very little hesitation declare some imaginary image which left her both intrigued and confused. It must have been some time since I had last recalled us doing this together as her memory would rarely ever invade my consciousness and it would take something like this to restore that which had once been. I shoved it back into the depths of my memory where it was best kept.

Thus I turned to the letter and read its contents. It was her last letter to me. I think that is why I placed it in this book since I had been reading it at the time and I decided to use her letter as a bookmark rather than place it with all the others that I have received. This is what she wrote:-

“My dearest HG,

This is not some lengthy treatise. We have spoken for as long and as often as we could already and there is no need for repetition. I know I have offended you most gravely and  that is something I have never intended nor wished upon your gracious self. You have taught me many things and you set me higher than anyone else and for that you will always have my thanks and eternal gratitude. You truly are a prince amongst men and you always showed the grace of princes whenever you dealt with me. I think, more than anything else that it was your nobility, both in standing and purpose that drew me to you the closest. Even when you became both base and abominable you still exacted that majesty for which I have always loved you and I can only look to my own failings as to why you did as you did. I have issued a thousand sorrows for that which I did not do and that which I did not say. I offered you everything that I had but it was not enough and I remain ashamed of my failure, it is not something I often encounter. I think of you often and that will never change, I am sure of that. I remain willing to help you overcome those obstacles. I still regard them as surmountable and I am saddened that time was against us in terms of addressing them, but I remain hopeful that somehow we shall do so, in whatever form we decide and I will be by your side come what may. I will take this time you have designated as a sabbatical from you and I as one for reflection and improvement, you know how I am. Thank you for once again for our time in the sun, I know you have described it as no more than a howling wilderness and I would be lying if I said that such a description does not upset me. For me, it remains a place of safety and sanctuary and I firmly believe we can achieve it once again, should you decide to give me a further chance. I shall respect your request and not contact you again but I remain always open and amenable to you reaching out to me and indeed I would welcome it. All I ask now is for your forgiveness in the full knowledge that I deserve none.

Eternal love

C.”

As I read the letter once again a show reel of images filtered through my mind. Memories re-surfaced some of them not having been resurrected before. I felt those shared memories and those shared occasions stir something once again. In accordance with the recent instruction I have received I allowed this to wash over me, rather than reject it and lock it away again. The sensation flowed over me and it was familiar to me.  I recognised all those traits that had caused me to seek her out all that time ago. I recognised the feeling of the fuel that flowed from her. That was what I felt. This piece of correspondence, elegantly written and delicately composed encapsulated the powerful allure that we possess. I need not detail what I put her through once the golden period ended. You have your own experiences of that to draw on which will allow you to comprehend the brutality that such denigration exacted on someone who could write in such terms. Notwithstanding the cruelty and malice, her charity remained undiminished and stood as testament to the very things that I saw when our paths first crossed. This letter indeed reinforced what I knew. I was right. I folded it up and returned it to its rightful and appropriate place in the folds of the book once again, sealing it inside, placing her back in her tomb.

 

Advertisements

59 thoughts on “A Madman’s Diary”

  1. It’s weird to me that she writes the letter like it’s her fault. I guess that is your trickery at play. She and all the others did nothing but love you. You however did not attach love to them and proceeded to abuse and berate them so bad that they lost their identity. They became enmeshed with you. So sad that the only thing you love is to break women. 😡🖤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. She blames herself for failing him. Despite all that she did, and how hard she tried, her love for him was not enough. She did not do enough. She was not good enough.
      Such is the cross we bear.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Such perdect timing. Thank you. When the narc manipulated money out of me, he made a comment about me helping him when he had not been very charitable to me. Now, that is an understatement but he had worked my empathy and guilt hard. Last summer, I set him up. Dangled a carrot in front of him and he tried to bite. He asked, “Why don’t you help me?” I smirked that he fell for it. the sad things I learned from him. So I said, why should I, you couldn’t couldn’t even buy me a drink. He raged off. Just now, I was thinking how he still needs help and you know where my heart was headed. So no. No, no, no. Never again. Not afternhis denigrations and abuse will I ever respond to my own heart wherebhe is concerned

    Thank you for posting that. I wrote many versions of that letter. Though at the end, my last letter point blank said that this was ALL his fault. And I regretted nothing I had said or done to him as he deserved all of it. He destroyed, not me, any hope of our ever being friends. And I just need to remember one degrading game he played with me to know he doesn’t deserved any of my heart ever again. That one game alone was nothing I had any experience with and it should have been enough for me to walk away from his loser self and never speak to him again. I didn’t get all the sude effects of that game at the time to know why I hung around. But his fault. Your fault for so consciously and with such deliberation doing this to people. We do have to learn, but the true horror of it all belongs in the hands of the narc.

    Like

  3. Hmmm…I felt a haunted familiar aching as I read this. Your relationship with her sounded like it had these moments that were precious, fun and refined. I picture a very well bred and educated ballerina, with well kept hair and long thin limbs. She sounded lovely. And, those unspoken battles and scars felt even more painful when left in the shadows of our imagination. I wondered, were they silent battles or dramatic and loud (for some reason they felt like they were icy cold, rather than passionate and loud)…There is an interesting longing here, not sure what it is or if it is there. Just felt it. Perhaps I am projecting on the blots you left and longing for more in this story and this experience of yours…very unresolved for this reader. I wonder where this guilt of hers comes from, is it manipulation on your end, is it this reflexive urge of hers to feel guilt or a combination of both… So many wonders I have.
    And, beautifully written. I love your attention to certain details.

    ~Indy in the Sky with the stars.

    Like

    1. The need to entomb her letter and her memory…..I posit that there was a deeper pain there that you are shutting out. However, it is a start that you let it spill here.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I feel terribly sorry for C. She is clearly ripe for manipulation from other people, such is her ignorance to the realities of her relationship with you, HG.

        Please, for her sake, leave her in her ‘tomb’ for good. Don’t hoover her.

        Like

  4. Ay ya ya. Wow! Just wow. This is the first time I’m reading this article.
    I wish I could talk to this lady now. I wish I could ask her if she’s forgiven herself. Ask her if she sees the beautiful soul she is. Ask her if she understands that everything good she saw in you was a just reflection of herself.
    Once upon a time, I wrote a letter or two like that. Now that I reflect on my actions, I realize those individuals were not Prince among men. They were not kings or gods … They were mere mortals… With their share of darkness and strife in life. I was the one who made them powerful. I was the one who put them on a pedestal and worshipped at their alter.
    Just like you have put her memory back in a tomb, I have stripped those men of their deity status. I hope she has forgiven herself. I hope she has dethroned you.

    Like

      1. Do you mean she still has you on a pedestal? If so, how do you know, given that you’ve entombed her? What do you mean by defenestrating the next one? Have you selected a new source and will soon push her off her throne? Ah, this is all too dark for a beautiful Sunday morning! Welcome back Mr. Tudor. I hope you had much success in the far flung fields … And enjoyed your trip.

        Like

      2. Oh Mr. Tudor, you made giggle. I should have known better than to expect a “I had a wonderful trip! I laid by the pool sipping margaritas and danced under the moonlight.” 😁

        Like

      3. That’s too bad Mr. Tudor. You’ve missed out on all the little pleasures in life. Though I’m sure you’ll argue that you don’t need them… That Fuel is your one and only pleasure …
        Wishing you many more trips, laid by the pool, sipping fuel ❤

        Like

      4. I have not missed out all the little treasures, my trip was professional – it was not for lounging around. Things had to be done and they were done.
        There was no lying by the pool. Fuel was of course gained.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Not necessarily. Some people live in relationships that are in “negative fuel” collection phase for years with secondary intimate sources (the other woman) offering the “contrasting” positive fuel. It’s sad, though there are many marriages with narcissists that are in stuck this phase.

        Like

      6. Indy, thx for your comment. Btw, did you recognize me? I’m ptsdafternarcabuse, now jenna, due to not having ptsd (knock on wood) since long.

        Like

      7. Wow!!! Tell us more!!! Still not completely free of mine.. lots of triggers and avoidance. I’m so happy to hear it might be a life after that terrible trauma!

        Like

      8. Karma, i hope your ptsd symptoms disappear too. There is life after narc involvement!

        I am still friends with my ex, which i know is not for everyone, but it works for us. We don’t physically meet. He lives in a different city. We text approx every 2 wks. He likes to check on me to make sure i’m doing well, which i appreciate. I also ask about his well being. His past abuse consisted of future faking, triangulation on a few occasions, blame shifting on a few occasions. We were together for 2.5 yrs.

        Like

  5. Dear HG,
    This is, so far, the most disturbing post so far. I assume she is no longer alive and it makes me sick. I have now read many of your books and come very close to the closure your kind has denied me for so long. Since you have put her in the “tomb”..it means she is in fact dead. I do hope it was not due to your treatment. As you have clearly stated many times .. it’s until one of us dies until you stop .. this does frighten me quite a bit.
    I hope you are back from your business trip soon and the timed blog postings will end, in favor of real presence and answers.

    Like

  6. So public school boy, likely went to boarding school and you are older than me. She was older than you, (the Mont Blanc was the giveaway). of a higher social class and you were ever so slightly out of your depth with her. Being a bad boy narc was what attracted her to you, and allowed you the upper hand. To be called ‘base and abominable’ was quite the slam. No wonder you kept the letter in a special place. It got to you.

    Like

    1. Not boarding school. I am younger than you. She was marginally older. Same social class and not out of depth.
      The letter was fuel and therefore did not get to me.

      Like

  7. Thanks for sharing! Do you plan to hoover”C”?? She seems to blame herself for everything, you know otherwise..will you relieve her conscience?

    Like

  8. Welcome back HG and fellow bloggers…
    Hg i have a question in regards to this story bc im curious if Im right in the way the 6th sphere works in regards to the school of narcissist. Did you contact her after finding and reading the note? My feeling is a greater narc would only be affected by the 6th sphere if they were in a fuel crisis and had that person on their mind somewhat to begin with anyways. Theyd already be planning whose card was up next to call on for fuel.
    A lesser id think would be more impulsive and read the letter and contact without putting as much thought into it. Im sure it depends on many factors tho.

    Like

    1. I did not do so immediately. You are correct in your observation that there are numerous factors which affect whether the execution of the hoover will occur and that includes the school of narcissist and fuel levels.

      Like

  9. So many of your writings effect me in different ways, yet processing them and moving on has been no problem.
    This and another has left an imprint that has left me with no words, yet visibly shaken.
    She understood.
    Thank you for sharing all you do HG.

    Like

  10. Hi HG! I need ur help to know if my bf is a narc, as i just found out and realized the similarity of his disorder behavior .. can i contact u by email? Please .. thanks a lot

    Like

  11. Just like Indy I have a million more questions after reading this. I can easily visualize this woman and her believing that everything was her fault. I can see you in your study as the paper falls out onto the floor and you reading this.
    Jusy like all of us she did everything she could and it still didn’t work. It’s a shame because I sense too that there might be something more to this woman than some of the others.
    Did that make you Hoover her HG?

    Liked by 1 person

  12. But you do know the truth and you are the only person who has got the power to stop her misery of seeing herself as a failure, to stop her blaming herself and feel worthless by saying to her face what you say in Introduction to your own book :” You had no idea that you would be seduced and devalued and there was no possible way you could escape it…You should remind yourself that you are not at fault…You are blameless…Your fate was sealed the moment that we saw you and decided that we would ascertain whether you would give us what we want “. But you wouldn’t do that , wouldn’t you..

    Like

  13. Abrokenwing,
    You know, the woman has the power, too. to see she wasn’t to blame. She sounds intelligent enough to figure it out somehow.

    But, I have come to the conclusion on some things. She keeps HG on a pedestal and is willing to accept the blame because that is HER way of keeping the door open. It may be unconscious, but that is what she is doing by accepting blame and extending compassion to HG despite the abuse and denigrations. (Funny thing, the first person who was using that work denigration was my own Narc and english is not his first language. Its not a word I have had much use for in life but lordy, it’s like its become a part of my staple in life from this experience. That and malign, a word also spoken from my Narc mother’s mouth. Two words from the world of narcisissm.)

    But anyway, her options are to take the position she did, or, call HG on it. And if she calls him on it, she knows he will probably be even more brutal in his devalues/discard. And, she likely knows that HG wouldn’t hoover her for a long time, and risks never.

    This is what happened to me at least. I left the doors open like that quite unconsciously as I understood I had not ability to get my narc to see what he had done and so, it was the second best way to keep it going. Its somethign HG wrote about in another post. We cast and flail about looking for why it’s happening, who should blame and when we can’t lay it at their feet, we lay it at our own. The alternative is to hold HG fully accountable and walk. And that is no something many of us could do when you still feel ever presence or love or love of illusion or whatever it is that prevents us from calling these people out. In some ways, she played HG too, intentionally or not, and he also ‘fell’ for it by hoovering her.

    I did variations of this until I just finally laid it out there that this was all his fault, what did he ever do for me, he hurt me, he caused this hurt, he lied. And that was the end of everything. So that is why she takes the blames, strips herself bare of her identity and reality because the other choice, is and can be quite final, like it has been with me. Some narcs don’t hang around and maybe she felt HG wouldn’t and wasn’t aware of his “its for life” contract that he set out ages ago.

    Like

    1. Sarabella Oh, so you suggesting some kind of manipulation from her side when writing this letter in order to get him back…Interesting, I didn’t see it this way…. I thought it was sincere and I cried first time I read it. I believed the way she was seeing things was purely due to the fact she didn’t know who she was dealing with and a grade of abuse she suffered. When we are under influence of the narcisstist we don’t see our options clearly and often we don’t recognise things which happened to us as a abuse.. Maybe you’re right. You know more than me on this matter and i appreciate you sharing your opinion.Thank you.

      Like

      1. Oh, I believe she was sincere. As sincere as I was, too. When I also didn’t get what was going on or rather, how it was all stacked against me I wrote many such letters. But in some dim place in me, I at one point recognized I had the choice to make…. accept all the blame and keep playing or really face the pain and depth of the abuse and denigration being dished my way and say NO. But as HG has showed, we are deprived of our No for various reasons. I am not saying that is what she was doing, but there has to be deeper reasons we ignore the abuse and it’s not all pattern repetition, trauma bonding, Stockholm Syndrome, additctions and the like. I loved him so I didn’t want to close any doors or blame him and even accept my own rage driven outbursts. If I blamed myself, then it was more likely he would hang around. And I really can only speak for myself but I didn’t want to let him go or forget him or anything so it wasn’t so much manipulation, not anything even that conscious but there was a trade happening I felt in my situation. If I traded one thing (maybe my tolerance) then I would keep him in exchange. So I found ways to sort of justify how horrid he was to me. I don’t think it was conscious and calculated on my part but really a refleciton of the deep, painful emotional bind I was in. I didn’t want him to leave me or walk away, so, I had to give something up. And that was all the offshoots of holding him accountable. Thus tolerating the abuse and further discards and so on. And the moment I really held him accountable, he raged off and I will never hear from him again. That was the price he always told me I risked paying for not dropping our so called past. So I payed for it. Its for the best, but it was an extremely painful decision I had to make.

        Like

      2. “When we are under influence of the narcisstist we don’t see our options clearly ”

        I think we know the options but we are in too much pain with chosing anything at first but staying. That was my experience. The other options meant losing him. I always knew I had the option of walking away. I tried, and I can’t blame and don’t want to blame the addictions, trauma bonding, etc. That was a part of it, but I also didn’t want to lose him. I wanted to hang on to a snarling, angry, abusive mean person. That’s the truth.

        Like

  14. @Sarabella , My perspective was probably influenced by my own experience. I had to be told by third parties that I’m being abused, well first subtle signs anyway before it became more obvious…and I wouldn’t listen to anyone, friend, doctor etc. Their opinion did not matter to me. I only cared about what he thinks about me. I blamed myself and I end up delivering perfect apology he was expecting for something which probably wasn’t my fault.. I understand where you coming from tho and thank you again for your very constructive insight Sarabella.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Abrokenwing,

      Yes, I also had to learn that the subtle games he was playing was abuse. I knew how to recognize other kinds of abuse but he showed me a whole new kind I didn’t know much about though it turns out, I did (mother). I did listen to people’s opinions when I tried to get help. Alot. I reached out to so many people, trying to figure it out. Was treated badly by a few, too. But while I gathered the intellectual inormation, I was the only one who could really deal with the emotional part. I think as is common, I burned a few people out asking what seemed like the same questions but each time, I took the answers and applied it to the pain with different understanding and insight. It also didn’t help that I was not NC and he kept delivering a fresh layer. And I also cared so much about what he thought. But I would lash out at the pain, then apologize. Then be so confused, I would say , this is the last thing I have to say (one more twisted pretzel attempt to communicate with someone who didn’t want to) and eventually he would laugh and said, “I thought you were done? I thought that was the last?” That was humiliating. I wasn’t done because I was writhing in pain and his response to one expression of pain was to be cruel enough to deliver another layer. So I would then apologize for saying things nasty to him that would have hurt me not realizing he was setting up all those emotional reactions. I literally could one moment be pouring my heart out to him, like that letter, then be gripped by fear and the reality of what he had done and then switch into “I hate you” mode. Sound about right HG?? Perfect excuse for him to tell me I was bipolar. But it was all calculated by the narc, I am sure. Though he would pretend to be so wounded by me saying I would one moment tell him I love him, then the next, I hate him and so on.

      But at some point, I had gathered enough intellectual information, I just could not make the emotional stick. I tried sooo many things to trick myself into walking away. So many things but I eventually knew on so many levels, I did have a choice and I did know what I needed to do. I couldn’t, and I couldn’t for all the reasons many of us learn about what plays in to it all, but I really cared for him. I always did. I wasn’t love bombed that much, even. I still even now, really miss him. Sad, huh?

      But it’s for good now, his good bye to me was final, and it still feels so incredibly strange to me. All of it. He never once tried to work a thing out. So I do understand both sides but honestly, I didn’t start to turn some of my own corners until I really, really admitted to myself how much I cared for him, right or wrong. Explaining my experience with the dynamics of abuse and trauma bonding, addictions, chemicals, and all of that was true, but there was something that was eqally true. I had loved him so I kept that door open on HOPE. Like the hope in the letter. And until I also made room for that truth in my story, did I start to calm down and accept the story. Until then, I was so focused on the negative words describing what I was going through, I lost total sense of what originally brought me to him and that was a part I also needed to face and deal with my own reality, and not minimize and obliterate it as he had done in the devalues. Just because he devalued the relationship and me and drove it in to the ground with his abuse, didn’t mean it was nothing to me but until I accepted the love part, it was hard to accept that I needed also to close the door. I also needed to say good-bye to him. I just know, when you are told over and over in suvivor communities that you were in love with an illusion, it does NOT help the emotions. He may have been an illusion but my feelings were not. And it was at my feeling level I needed to get on top of. Calling my experience an illusion further diminished me and my right to define what had happened to me and how I felt which he had done enough to me already.

      I think HG has said elsewhere that many to most of his past victims are still accessible to him and only a tiny few have ever cut him out and leave. I think its for the hope, the unfinished story (my narc told me we had unfinished business since we were kids so if there was any TELL that they never forget, well, that was it only he never even gave me a chance as he was too busy controling everything), the doors always somewhat left open because, well, we did love them once before it all went to hell.

      Maybe HG will tell us how the Hoover went… Part II?

      Like

  15. After rereading this letter it comes off as a narc embellished version. This was probably how a narc would read such a letter found just before hoovering to get the nerve up to do so envisioning their prospective supply source as wanting them to desperately to forgive them and contact them. Im sure the reality is theyd either ignore the narcs attempted contact(hopefully) or tell them theyre no longer interested. People do eventually move on when they realise its a lost cause.
    I had to giggle tho bc this letter seems over the top. Prince among men ….😂
    If it is word for word she needs serious help!

    Like

    1. Doubtful, I think it is authentic and written by his ex lover. I’ve used similar words such ‘prince/king amongst men/boys’. Yes, I’m cringing now for ever saying such silly things. But at that point in time, I revered them. Good thing now is I probably wouldn’t recognize them if I saw them on the street. Apparently I’m fickle in my idol worship.

      Like

  16. Hi love..
    Maybe it was authentic word for word but im sure many a narc would take such a letter and interpret it the way they wanted to interpret it especially before a hoover attempt to build themselves up. They dont just fool us theyre whole life is about fooling themselves.
    I could see where a victim of narcissism could write a letter like this which is so sad bc they still do not see what is really going on. They are as sick as the narcissist.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s