Seven Sins of False Sorrow



1. I am sorry I went away.

You probably said something that I did not like, you may not have said anything at all, but you did something which criticised me and I wanted to punish you so I disappeared. I am not going to tell you what I was doing whilst I was gone but I only thought about you when I looked at your pleading texts and missed calls. The rest of the time I spent it with your predecessor who I wanted to be with because, well, she hadn’t criticised me. Of course, she spoilt it and that is why I have come back to you pretending to be sorry. I need your fuel again, so here I am with my false remorse.

2. I am sorry I didn’t listen.

I didn’t listen to you because you have nothing of importance to say. Ever. That is compared to me. You should listen to me more because I do not like it when you do not. In fact I hate it. I rarely hear the words you say anyway, you are actually wasting your breath. I am far too focussed on the emotion that is spewing from you, your hurt, your frustration, your anger and your hatred. That is what I want to listen to. That gives me the fuel that I crave. I will pretend I will listen to you in the future so you provide me with some positive fuel for a while and then I will become deaf to what you have to say once again.

3. I am sorry that I hit you.

You made me do it because you will not do what I want and you will not give me what I need. I am torn between needing you and being disgusted by the fact that I am bound to someone as pathetic as you, when I am so brilliant. I am concerned that what I did may be detected by others and consequently the façade that I have created and maintained to everyone outside these four walls will be damaged. I am concerned I may have to spend some of my precious time charming law enforcement if you are treacherous enough to report me.

4. I am sorry I was unfaithful.

If you paid me more attention I would not have to do it, or at least, perhaps not as often. It was your fault that I went elsewhere because you do not admire me like you used to do. You should do so. Everyone admires me and you should be no different. I am irritated that I got caught because I thought I had covered my tracks and been cleverer than you. I am annoyed because you have scared off the other woman with your histrionics and now I am going to have to use my time and energy to find someone else now. I had a great little set-up there and you have ruined it with your interference. Just as you always spoil everything.

5. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.

I really cannot be bothered having to support you when you are unwell. I find it a waste of my time because everything should be about me, not you. I do not like to be reminded of weakness. I see too much of myself when I do. I need my energies and time to carry out my machinations and gather fuel, not to play nurse maid to you. I do not care that you have looked after me, that is your role. I am too great to tend to you, it is beneath me. I am concerned that my lack of caring and attentiveness has proven the last straw however and my false contrition is purely designed to stop you leaving me.

6. I am sorry I am not a better person.

I am better, way better than you and everyone else, but I know you are fixated with the idea of making me better, changing me and healing me, so I say this to make you feel sorry for me and to hint at the fact that I want to change and become someone better. I am never going to change but I do love to keep you hanging on thinking that I will as this stops you leaving me and deserting me when I need my fuel. I will keep mentioning this so you stick around until such time as I have lined up someone else and I have drained you, then you disappear for all I care. In the meanwhile I will continue to insinuate that I am capable of change and improvement so that you do not go anywhere else. I need my fuel after all.

7. I am sorry for myself.

At least this one is true. I feel very sorry for myself and with good reason. I am just trying to get through life and deal with the jealous people, the envious people and the horrible people who are trying to hurt me. I know there are hundreds of them and I have done nothing to them, yet they insist on trying to hurt me. It is a terrible burden to carry, knowing that there are so many people out there against you, especially when you are as a wonderful and as brilliant as I am. I need your pity, your sympathy and your empathy. Give it to me. It is all fuel. I do not deserve to be treated like this do I? I am human too you know.

8 thoughts on “Seven Sins of False Sorrow

  1. Snow White says:

    My ex didn’t say sorry very often but when she did it she was quickly and easily forgiven. I gave her the answer and help she needed.
    I told her that I wake up each day with a clean slate and I wasn’t ever still mad at her. She had no reason to say it. She knew I would get over everything.

    This has affected me this past year. I am easily aggravated and when something or someone makes me mad I have a hard time letting it go and it stays with me when it never used to.
    Just talked about it in therapy and it’s going to be continued to next week.

  2. Victoria says:

    Thanks again for explaining what these comments mean, especially 4-7 which were constant. Jus wondering why in the last go around with Ang. did I feel so cold inside for most of the time. Somehow I just did not believe what he was saying; I started to notice that the actions did not match the words and I would say as much(criticism). Do you think he started to notice that maybe I was starting to figure him out? Not that I had anywhere near the knowledge that I do after your books/articles. But somehow when he said, “Im sorry” it feel robotic-no emotion and definitely no “real” expression. Looking back I think those times you have mentioned when he was quiet, without energy, almost lifeless I was seeing the real him-the emptiness. What do you think H.G.?
    Very Grateful!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The way you felt was as a consequence to you responding through cold hard logic rather than reverting to the usual emotional thinking which is the standard response of victims.

      1. Victoria says:

        Thank you for your response. So when we start thinking with cold hard logic after various devaluations are we seeing the man without the mask?
        Thanks again!

        1. HG Tudor says:


  3. indiglowsky says:

    Thank you for writing this. Numbers 5, 6, and 7 always confused me and made me think, “well maybe he IS a caring person” and it triggered my rescue instinct of my co-dependent nature-12 step definition). I know better now, thankfully.

  4. x says:

    Brilliant as usual! To to know….
    To sad that I did not know this earlier. How about… Sorry but I never can specify what they are sorry for? To be honest he don’t even know since he don’t care.

  5. Jenna says:


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