The First Emotional Battle


Everything we do is regarding as a battle. It is a zero-sum game. What you lose, we gain. There may appear to be a “win/win” scenario during seduction but it is not the case. Believe me, we are getting what we want, The Prime Aims, foremost of which is control over you and positive fuel in huge quantities and the repeated binding as we draw you closer and closer to us. You are made to feel like a king or queen, but you will be deposed and beheaded or defenestrated in due course. You always pay for the golden period we shower you with.

We draw up our battle plans when we ready ourselves to seduce you. The Greater Narcissist adopts the approach of every battle is won before it is fought and operates through calculation, planning and a degree of instinct. The Lesser of our kind remain effective but they rely on being a blunt weapon, not possessing the intellectual finesse of Greaters. The lesser operates through instinct alone and relies on the visceral (unknown) need for fuel and control to drive his battle strategy. This is similar also for The Mid-Range Narcissists who also are driven by instinct although their approach is above that of the Lessers, aided by generally higher cognitive function. The Lesser is all about reaction and immediate response, an automatic adjustment, which is invariably successful because he has been blessed with those tools, blunt as they may be. The Mid-Range does have more subtlety with his reactions and responses, but they are no less instinctive.

Our engagement with you is not love. It is war. We conquer, overrun and blitzkrieg you into submission. We occupy you so that your heart and mind fall to us within moments. This army of occupation does not stop there as it raids the land it now resides in. Your resources become our resources and we ensure that our supply lines are fed from your assets.

The occupation eventually takes a savage turn through devaluation as we slash and burn, looking to grind you into the dirt before leaving you a stripped, bomb-blasted shell and setting off for a new campaign against some unsuspecting target. The theme of battle and your entanglement with our kind being a battleground, is one which is repeated throughout your engagement with us.

This is especially so once the callous disengagement has taken place. Disengagement is most common with the Intimate Partner Primary Source (wife, husband, cohabitee, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend), although it can happen with Intimate and Non-Intimate Secondary Sources, but it is rarer. Those secondary sources are more usually treated in a shelf manner, however the emotional battle is applicable to those in the relevant dynamic of secondary source with the narcissist. It is then that you find yourself confronted with three battles which take place one after the other. Not only do you have us as your foe but in an especially unappealing turn of events you find that in fact you are actually fighting against yourself. The first battle following disengagement is the emotional one.

You have been left with no explanation. If one was tendered it made no sense. You cannot reconcile where you are with what has been. The descent from gilded pillar into the dust has been swift and merciless. Whilst we (usually) do not set out to destroy you, it may feel that way to you or that has occurred as a collateral consequence of the pursuit of The Prime Aims. Every day you have run the gauntlet of scores of emotions, which has drained you, eroded you and taken a significant toll on your well-being.

Your emotions are red raw, heightened and easy to trigger. Your pain is extensive, agonising and brutal and it is during this emotional battle that your ally of cool, detached thinking has not fled the battlefield, it never turned up to begin with. Your ability to assess, rationalise and consider you position with the necessary critical analysis evades you.

All you are left with is a cauldron of emotion, which serves only to heighten your distress and your confusion. Nothing makes sense and you have not been left in a position to make any sense of what has happened. This is entirely deliberate and is put in place by the narcissism. It is consciously deliberate where you are dealing with a Greater Narcissist and unconsciously deliberate where you are dealing with a Lesser or Mid-Range Narcissist.  I know so many of you use the phrase “hot mess”. This is entirely apt. You are a mess. Your life is a mess. The heat comes from your raging emotions as you veer between hysteria and anger.

Of the three battles that you fight post disengagement, the emotional battle, the first, is the one which you invariably end up losing. This is because you are utterly ill-equipped. If you were an army your troops would be sharing guns, you would not know which way to face, your supply lines have been overstretched and, in some places, broken and the enemy seems to appear at will. The fog of war obscures your vision. Is that us advancing or just the silhouette of a tree? You cannot tell.

Once you could, but no longer. It is a tortuous place and one which has been created through our design in order to ensure that when we return (and we will) you will be in no position to resist. Weakened, governed by emotional thinking rather than intellectual logical thinking you will be overrun easily. Intelligence is now defence, this is not about intelligence but the fact that your emotional thinking is far too strong for what little logic may exist.

This battle, where all you have is emotion, means that you want the pain to stop. You want the golden period again. You give no consideration or thought to what the price of such desires might be, or whether it really is the golden period once more. You are ruled by emotional thinking and this proves to be your downfall. We know this (Consciously or Unconsciously) and this is why our narcissism ensure syou are a churning, broiling scorching crucible of emotion. Our narcissism creates it, we want that. This is why your first attempt at no contact (without the benefit of specialist input form me) nearly always falls.

You are not equipped to prolong it because in this emotional battle all it takes is for us to come galloping over the hill once again, offering terms of the golden period and you surrender in an instant allowing us to occupy your territory once more in the understandable but ultimately forlorn hope of a peaceful co-existence.

As you drown in the emotional sea once again, you will feel a rescuing hand grab you and haul you out. Your relief is immense. The rescuing hand belongs to us and such is the effect of your emotional thinking that you will return into our grasp. The hoover that we deploy as we rescue you from the emotional sea succeeds so readily because you want to escape the turmoil and the quickest way to do so is to return to us.

What makes it worse is that as your rescuer we grant you a new golden period and thus your emotional thinking cons you further by telling you that it was absolutely fine to go back because ‘look everything is as it once was’. You have been rewarded for agreeing to return and therefore that was the right decision wasn’t it? Your emotional thinking rules supreme again as it cons you into thinking that this is the best outcome.

Your immersion in the emotional sea has permeated throughout you, any logic that was trying to gain a foothold to make you see clearly has been flooded out. Logic cannot make itself heard and you are drawn back into our grasp once again.

How do you win this first emotional battle? You cannot. You are in such a position that we always win this battle. The key however is not to participate in this battle but rather avoid it altogether. If you know there is a battle you cannot win, why would you ever fight it?

You would not. You would evade your foe, take steps to bolster your defences and seek to avoid this emotional battle. This is what you must do. Once you have gained awareness of the foe you are engaged with, possibly during seduction or more likely through the period of devaluation, you must then take those steps to prepare yourself. You either avoid the emotional battle altogether by escaping rather than being disengaged from (discarded). Alternatively, you steel yourself for the inevitable disengagement so that the emotional fallout is massively reduced and instead you find yourself transported to the second battle that takes places post discard which I shall expand on next.

If you have been disengaged, then you face the emotional battle and you will lose. You must avoid the emotional battle in its entirety or engage on terms in the second battle which follows post disengagement.



9 thoughts on “The First Emotional Battle

  1. rotrak says:

    Thanks for the info HG. Also, reading through the comments – being a “tough nut” definitely did help. Unfortunately he loved it when it came back at him. I didn’t give an outright battle in the lead up to the end to minimise fuel. I went stealthy and read more here instead.

  2. abrokenwing says:

    I have lost the first battle and I am not prepared yet to win the second one. I will have to fight myself and I am my own worst enemy.

    1. Victoria says:

      Hi ABW,
      I hope it is OK for me to respond to you because I feel I have been where you are now in July of 2015 with my first emotional battle. It was horrible and truly there were days I wanted to die. After 6 month and finally feeling better, this is prior HG, his books, 2 pvt consultations and over 300 daily articles, he hoovered me and I continued our relationship-a bit more cautious on my part due to reading psychological articles and other authors (victims). My final discard was 12-31-2016 which is when I discovered HG and could then fight post discard battles 2-3. I have been in “No Contact” since that time and he has still sent 5 benign hoovers (via text) which I have ignored all but one. It is not easy ABW but it is doable-tough but doable! the only thing that has worked for me was reading as much of HG’s books as I could-19 and counting! I spoke to him twice which was awesome and so rewarding. The more I learned the more I wanted to learn. My relationship with my narc lasted almost 11 years and I could not afford to spend another minute on it. I know you will succeed as I did, one day at a time and NO CONTACT is the only way-HG says it over and over again. He is right. I spoke to him once-knowing what i know and I could see the churning of the fury behind his eyes and once again he tried to play me and talk in circles. Even though I believed I was armed with the HG Shield, the experience was awful-30 minutes I could have done without. Follow what HG says, and you will be on your way to becoming Narc. Free-one day at a time!

      1. abrokenwing says:

        Hello Victoria ! Thank you for your post and kind words! It’s very encouraging! I do read a lot and as you mentioned I found it very helpful. I know I will reach dry land one day .. I don’t give up easily 😊. Big hug to you! ( PS. There is no final discard according to Mr.Tudor!)

  3. giulia says:

    I don’t engage. I did it once in my life and that was enough.
    One of the first things ‘this’ man told me was if I liked to battle. I said no….but I didn’t know about narc then.
    My emotional battle is and has been about not falling for triggers.
    They do get me but I act humble upon them and I choose not to act.
    I guard my boudaries. But I am also tired to live like this. Maybe there is no other way to live…I don’t know…maybe one day I won’t have to worry about this, anymore

  4. rotrak says:

    Hi HG. I’ve been reading your blog for a while and it’s definitely given me some tools. I escaped by making it look like the narcissist had discarded me. The last time he tried baiting me, I calmly made it clear that the only response I would accept would be for him to take responsibility and address each of the things that I raised in a logical, mature way. Being, I think, in the mid range he instantly disappeared. He’s been gone for some time now and it’s been totally quiet. Am I safe to relax a little or should I be prepared for more? Thanks again HG I’d recommend your blog to anyone dealing with these relationships

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You can relax a little but do not become complacent. Thank you for your kind words and the recommendations.

  5. paintthetreebluerose says:

    i’m confused. He said, ‘i was a tough nut to crack’. He said ‘ i was tough’. he gave up. he left the door partly open, but i haven’t seen him for 8 months. he is a criminal, an addict, and I do not talk to him. I think a hoover is possible, but not likely. He is a mid lesser and I am a supernova empath. I am hoping I am in the clear.What is your opinion?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello PTTBR, he is evidently busy with a different source of fuel. I assume you were his IPPS and therefore he has found a new one who is occupying him. You are correct that a hoover is possible and if he is a Mid Lesser then this is a factor which lessens the risk, but of course it also depends on the status of other factors. You are never in the clear, there are just degrees of risk which you can affect. In order to give you a full and clear picture of the position I would need more detail and I would recommend you do so through a private consultation.
      By the way, you are a super empath. The supernova is an event, not a type of empath.

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