Five False Promises


The promise is used by the narcissist repeatedly, whether through Promised Gain or Future Faking, it is a mainstay of our manipulations against you, but what are the five most often used false promises that the narcissist is using against you and what does the narcissist ACTUALLY mean?

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5 False Promises of the Narcissist

28 thoughts on “Five False Promises

  1. Shantily says:

    Oh this made me LOL! 😂 My N always sent me the most flowery eloquent heart felt texts, letters, even f….ing Hallmark cards filled with promises and fake future making just like this list. Endless proclamations of his undying love and support for me …. then a week ? Two weeks later ??? I could go f myself and die for all he cared and I’m blocked and discarded. It all makes perfect sense now ! You can only laugh at it when you figure it all out. Game over delete 🙃

    1. Shantily says:

      I’d also like to add a caveat to my last post of false promise – 6# we’ll have a good time !!

      We’ll have the best Christmas best birthday best holiday best summer best Valentine’s Day and nice romantic dinner 😂😂!!

      Narcs will ruin every single special occasion and celebration without fail !! Without fail ! It doesn’t even matter if it’s his birthday or Father’s Day or his child’s celebration he will ruin it for everyone. Or maybe he’ll just ruin it for you. I haven’t been able to celebrate anything in two years without it being blown to Hell by him.

      I remember one Christmas just as I was falling asleep he whispered venomously in my ear “we don’t like your kind around here. ”
      Lol what ??!! It’s Christmas Eve ?? Who says something like that on Christmas Eve ??? I have far worse examples …

      Narcs they just love to rain on your parade 💙

  2. HG…. i love you.. thank you for doing this… i just passed your info on to a friend… eyes opening…. her awakening has begun!
    I am reminded how this knowledge you pour out is life saving to us…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome FL11.

  3. Lisa says:

    I’ve heard this so many times I actually told him he sounded like a broken record.

  4. Okay HG…..I just read number 5 and see that my hopes for you from the previous article are once again dashed to pieces. Why do I believe? Tell me now how do I feel….I’m off to listen to Blue Monday – New Order.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      When I was a very small boy….

      1. Yes…excellent choice. I have faith in you yet.

      2. MLA - Clarece says:

        Little HG is still in there. Don’t forget.

  5. Karin says:

    Mine said “I will never abandon you.”

    And of course he did, in the most spectacular fashion.

    And it was only after numerous follow up hoovers that I understood he was telling me the truth.

    He had just been putting me on the shelf.

    1. Gabrielle says:

      Mine said he would never abandon me either. He said it frequently. He hasn’t hoovered me yet though but then again it’s only been about a month. He told me that if I loved him I would give him space and that’s exactly what I did. 🙁

  6. indiglowsky says:

    “…since it has been denied to me as an option”. HG, did you know this prior to therapy or came to this conclusion after engaging with someone in the mental health field? Or, from reading up on psychological theory?

    Why I say this is that “It has been denied to me as an option” is a theory you build upon to understand yourself. Perhaps, if you change your theory, you can change your experience.

    “Love” is a “taught construct”, no? You wrote this. It is true. You were taught it hurt, that it was punishment, judgment, weakness and simultaneously, that it is excellence, perfection, and all those things you wrote. I too was taught this. That it was the pretty picture I drew at 4, that it was keeping quiet so mother would not wake, that it was an A, a degree, that it was being seen, being seen as pretty, smart, independent, strong, not needing anyone, not asking for anything. Yes, I was taught these. I tried my best to be those and beat myself up when I couldn’t live up to it. Such crock.

    I also know that love is more, now that I have grown and lost loved ones to death(actual deaths), addictions and personality disorders. Yes, loosing/leaving my exes with NPD were like deaths, deaths of love, of what was, what I had hoped, a part of me and a part of the ghost that I thought was real. An odd teacher, death. You never know when someone will not be there, or isn’t there to begin with(while standing in front of you).

    I hope you find your kind of “love” as I hope we all find our “loves”, what ever that means to each of you. Loving yourself, first. Finding yourself, first. Then, perhaps that butterfly will rest upon you. That is my plan. Opening a butterfly farm 😉

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I came to this conclusion after learning more from my therapy Indy. Thank you for your good wishes.

      1. Indy says:

        You’re welcome 😊 I will hold off on follow up questions on this for now. These books need their author to finish them 😉

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed they do!

  7. Gabrielle says:

    An interesting read.

    #1 I heard so many times. On the flip side he used to flip out if I questioned his love for me. Which was par for the course since I was his dirty secret. “Do not ever question my love for you”….”If I did not love you I never would have put up with your insanity and nonsense, no darling I could not do it). As an aside did anyone else’s use the word “darling” over and over again?
    #2 I also heard as I paid for nearly everything. I never asked for repayment though. He promised he would repay me someday because I was such a good person and he owed me no matter what. (He had nothing, a menial job, struggling musician without stable work and was financially dependent on his wife). It’s good to know the truth behind that, that it was all lies and bullshit. He bought me dinner a few times and that was it. He love bombed without excessive gifts.
    #3 I heard a variation of this which was “I am so sorry that I hurt you”. Mine loved to say “sorry” all the time. I am sorry you are anxious, I am sorry that I am affecting you, I am sorry I came into your life, I am sorry I came onto you so strongly. Yes apologizing for the love bombing! WHY?

    #4 and #5 I never heard since I was his side dish…but I am sure his wife must have heard (still hears) those. He did say shit like “I am going to see a therapist because I am determined to fix my behavior” so that can sort of be like #5. Oh and something similar to #4 could be, “It is my promise to be a proper friend to you someday”…

    1. catlady2468 says:

      #1 – not so much this exact phrase mostly because it makes me want to puke from a previous manipulator, but more along the lines of “I care” and “you make me want to be a better person” which in hindsight takes on a whole different meaning. This was only during months 1-6ish though. After that…. *crickets*

      #2 – all the time from months 3-currently. It’s this and the hope of getting some of my belongings not yet destroyed back that has prevented the continuation of No Contact. I mean, they time their worst behaviours or departures well with worst timing for us so it’s bad enough having to cover his half of everything, but to not pay up for the destroyed or taken belongings 3 weeks late being returned or at least half of the bills already accumulated mostly due to his incompetent and spiteful a$$ it’s enough to cause steam to blow out my ears.

      3 – his was “I’m a bad person/demon… Why do you care about/like me?? I don’t want to hurt you” in months 1-6 again while coupled with supposed shame and anger about his last relationship, rife with supposed emotional abuse… It likely was in all honesty, but with him as the perpetrator not the victim!

      4 – check check check! I caught on early. Then the sneaking with massive amounts of online porn viewing began, with me in the other room wondering why it was taking him so long to change for example, if he was coming back to the next room over or not, and of course when busted it was naturally my fault. Oddly enough I’m not usually ridiculous about that kind of thing at all, but my god when I’m being ignored and stonewalled and having a convo with you from the next room over, I get a bit…. Feisty about that kind of thing.

      I checked his bookmarks one day (he was using my phone anyway and was so adimant to keep it on him at all times it was so obvious)… No less than 400 bookmarked porn URLs.

      His rationale when caught watching with me in the next room was that he waited for me but I was taking too long to forgive him for whatever reasons I was already hurt over at that time, not giving him enough attention and adoration (because being constantly made to feel like his mommy or manager is just sooooo alluring!), and that it was easier than putting effort into being at all attractive or showing interest in me. Also, addictive personality was another excuse given.

      5 – HA HA HA check check check up to this being given daily, which i called his bluff on, so it was then used in invalidating my concerns by adding in a small “not” despite 9-10 months of arguing the opposite.

      1. Gabrielle says:


        In a way I feel like I am slowly “waking up” from this. At times I still feel asleep though. I hope that analogy makes sense.

        I still get these flashbacks of things he had typed or spoken to me since this all started….and aside from some of the things we may hear from them (which HG has posted about) like…”You don’t know me, I will end up hurting you”, etc, etc. there is something swirling in my mind right now that he said to me.

        “I know what it feels like to be completely unfulfilled with the one you love. That is a feeling that comes and goes for me…”

        I had a flashback of that this morning and got chills in my brain.

        1. catlady2468 says:

          Omg that exact same line! I thought he was so deluded about ​himself, he thought he was this mastermind dangerous sociopath or psychopath, but so obvious he was a walking wounded child inside. So petulant as HG says, such a marty-ass! I have a background in psych as pathetic as it is to admit now seeing as i fell for the facade and should know better but coverts weren’t ever covered in my studies. Assumed he was BPD if anything and i had compassion for that as i have c-ptsd so a lot of emotional variance before i did my own healing work years ago. Anyway, i knew for sure he was not a Grade A Hannibal Lector or Dexter Morgan by any means, he had denied emotion oozing out of every pore, and I guess i wanted to prove it to him that he was wrong in hindsight…. Hook bait and sinker on my end. Now i know better though…
          There’s a quote i heard that’s poignant now… Something along the lines of believing someone when they tell you about themselves…Along the lines of ‘if someone tells you early on that they’re an a$$hole, believe them’

          1. Gabrielle says:

            I could write a book with the shit he said to me (which at the time didn’t really make much sense, I attributed it to him just being self aware or in tune with his feelings, intelligent or whatever…). He did portray an aura of intelligence about him. Who knows if it was real or fake but he sure as hell had me fooled. I had never met anyone so intellectually stimulating. Aside from the “unfulfilled with the person I love” quote he told me other gems such as:

            “Our love and affection is so deep and powerful that we want to treat each other to the best we have to offer…

            “Oh that is not going to work on me darling…..I am impervious to psychoanalysis!” (said after I called him out on something he said to me)

            As a quick aside he often called me “darling”, “kiddo” and “honey”. Kiddo being the most frequent. I balked at that kiddo thing….I am 5 1/2 years OLDER than he is! Kiddo my ass! He also called his wife kiddo too.

            Another thing he said was “At first I thought I was a womanizer. Then I thought I was a sociopath but I can’t be because I feel guilt and shame.”

            “I either make you happy or I make you crazy, I never know what I am going to get”

            “You do not know me well enough to love me”

            early on when I would flatter or compliment him he would say “You are too kind to me, I do not deserve you. You wrote something called 50 Reasons why you love me? No way, you found 50 things you love about me?” He seemed kind of repulsed at my flattery further down the line and said stuff like “You should not have these feelings for me.”…. “I am a scum bag I cannot be this important to you…” and my all time favorite “You are to STOP telling me you love me. I will not hear it anymore! I will not respond to it!”

            I see you replied to another comment of mine about sex which I will reply to shortly.

          2. catlady2468 says:

            HAHAHAHA i am older too, first and last time i think as i usually go for the older men.

            I was always called “dear”… My mom also calls me dear. Not attractive. I think he called all women dear.

            Same here on the at first taken aback and then angry or repulsed by my interest or compliments to him.

            Re:make you happy or crazy line… He told me he was addictive and I’d become addicted to him as all women do.

            I freaking laughed in his face and told him he’s absolutely ridiculous!

            Didn’t realise he mentioned it was because of his later negativity and constant invalidation of everything he was working to convince me that he was not.

            My bad.

      2. Gabrielle says:

        I forgot to reply to a point you made in your reply to me regarding item #1. I got the I “CARE” about you line all the time. It replaced the “I love you”…..yet later on “I will always love you” was resurrected.

        Mine was very much into porn as well. He shared his enjoyment of it with me (we never watched it together, he just liked to talk about it, I was a dirty secret and was long distance). He followed many porn stars on Instagram and so on. I asked him why he was into porn. My exact comment was “Okay so who wants to watch other people having sex? No thank you, that does not really excite me”. His response was that him and the wife never had sex hardly ever and he was so lonely and that was why he did it. “When you are lonely you’ll do anything….” was his response.

        He had a few freaky, odd and weird requests when we had sex. When I asked him where he had done such things or got the idea for them he shared info about the porn he watched, where the ideas came from. And of course being the fool I was so in love with him I did whatever he wanted. One most popular thing he always wanted was to not swallow after going down on him. He wanted me to hold it in my mouth and then kiss him and share it so he could taste himself.

        He had such a horrible self esteem when it came to everything else (which is why I wondered if he really was a narc) but oh how he loved to taste himself. My apologies for the graphic detail on that.

        1. catlady2468 says:

          That’s odd for a man in my experience and no apology needed… Although contemplating that, I’m not sure if i couldn’t kept my mouth shut on that one, pun intended 😉
          He was pretty into bdsm, we actually got to talking more often based on suspicions i had about a friend of mine. Anyway, he could never follow though on the whole Dom side when it came.e down to it, not for very long anyway. I made him wait for sex, not too long but a few weeks if i remember correctly. Had bragged all about stamina… Pfft. He rarely lasted more than 5 min so always had to be second. It became boring for me but i was nice about it or tried to be. Eventually during devaluation i was blamed for this negatively whereas before it was something he put me on a pedestal for. I cut him off after the second or third time he blamed me or reacted negatively towards me when it came to sex. Not my problem and refused to tolerate it… I’m a bit feisty having been the rescuer far too long in the past, or dreadfully attracted to the bad boys classic narcs you can spot a me away. Supposedly that’s why he picked me too and surprise, surprise this feisty personality became the problem and cause of daily arguing… I call it boundaries. He called it criticisms by then. Same exact behaviour and technique on my part though lol
          I am open minded to sexuality as an adult after having to do a lot of work since i grew up in a highly restrictive religious household and then after i was assaulted in my 20s while attending university. I came to terms with a lot of things and am bisexual so he really didn’t have to hide any of those desires away from me. Maybe that intimidated him, who knows. It seems everything does at this vantage point lol But that was part of the sting I think, that we want willing to even talk to me about his wants and needs. Or put any effort in. He initially used it as a weapon, except he didn’t last ever and that hurt his pride, blamed me but i was secure in that aspect at least, so really it backfired i think. He couldn’t do anything freaky at all. It for really boring so i wasn’t missing much when he took it away as punishment… All 5 minutes of it lol i missed the cuddles more than anything. So i got myself a persian cat… Which he became jealous of. Too bad, he got the couch while the cat and i got the Queen bed 😉 much less annoying snoring that way too!

          1. Gabrielle says:


            He barely lasted more than 5 minutes??? Holy shit did we deal with the same Narc? I think mine lasted about 10 tops. He was a fast climaxer. Yet with his wife he told tales of woe of how it took him so long to climax because he had so much guilt for cheating on her. But me? Oh I was so hot he could not hold back. The way he rolled his eyes during you’d think the guy never had sex EVER. He talked the talk though….oh did he talk the talk!!!!!!

            He never used it as a weapon though. He knew I wanted him all the time and there was one time he refused me. I persisted though and he held my hands down and looked me in the eye and said “STOP, I WILL NOT”….I did not force myself on him but I kept tempting him. And at the time it seemed like he wanted to but he refused. And I was hurt. He was never physically violent with me though. But he turned away when I tried to kiss him. He said the sexual relationship part of our relationship was over. Then when I saw him the next time he was back at it with me. Then he lamented over the “mistake” he made….again….after. “My willpower is so weak in person but this is it! We cannot have sex again!”

            Oh my, my brain hurts I feel like I am spinning around in a circle. It is good to vent to people who understand though. Thank you for listening!

          2. catlady2468 says:

            “… He could not hold back…”

            Yup I’ve heard that one too! Maybe sometimes he’d last to 10 but only if brakes were given… *Facepalm*
            He actively turned me down a couple of times but it was part of the fun, he just wanted to be seduced by me.
            The weapon phase was a much different animal… Refused to sleep in the same room which occured right around the time he only ever had his back to me in bed and would only attempt anything with me if i specifically said not to wake me up because xyz next day and it’s important for me to be well rested. Surely that would be when I’d wake up to him going at me. Never failed. Until he was banished to the couch one night and after that he refused to ever come back into bed.
            Until of course i stopped caring if he was there, then i was the evil hurtful witch queen.

          3. catlady2468 says:

            Ps. I understand the spinning brain pain of processing it all, it’s like when one piece of the puzzle clicks into place a domino effect of a hundred more related or not even related pieces start jamming together all at once. That alone is overwhelming enough i know, but then our feelings about it hits and it’s a tsunami of ick. Hang in there, it does wear off a bit in time. Or we just become so exhausted we have no tears or feelings left except spite or indifference and then it’s viewed a bit more objectively​ for at least a little while. It will get better in enough time as long as that puzzle keeps being put together. You’re doing the right thing and you will never forget. I’m still prone to be targeted, but have enough experience and did enough healing to notice it much sooner than my norm and better yet, do something about it while holding my ground. It’s not easy, he’s now began his hoovering and i so wish to believe i was wrong and am lovable afterall. I’m so inclined to hope and believe in magic. But fight myself to stay grounded. Head over heart. Everyone is in this together

          4. Gabrielle says:

            I see 2 replies which I am going to reply back to in one post to make it easier. 🙂

            I find myself remembering all these things he said to me now. At the time I heard most of them I was like “hmm okay” and never gave it much thought. Now after my discard I am like “Ding Ding Ding!”…

            There were times we had arguments (usually over text an email with the occasional awkward phone convo)…..he kept telling me he was tired of the “LOOP” we kept going in and I could not for the live of me figure out what the hell that meant but I see it now. A never ending emotional loop. The saying one thing and then unsaying it. The intelligent and clever manipulations. And so on. I am at a point where I wonder if anything he ever said to me had any ring of truth to it. Like stories of his parents, his childhood, his best friend….like did he make it all up? I mean I was the long distance dirty secret so I did not interact with the people he knew in everyday life. He showed me pics on social media, shared stories, and I did the same. He said he hoped to meet my friends someday, meet my dad someday (I am estranged from my mother, who is hospitalized with severe mental illness and has been since I was a young child)….I unfortunately shared this with him and later on I was told that I was crazy and needed meds and therapy and so on. But anyway sorry to go off on a tangent there. My point was that even the stories, the little day to day things we would talk about, I wonder if all these people were just made up. Or exaggerated. Like he told me I was brilliant and intelligent. That he enjoyed my wit. My good memory. The random quirks and goofiness. That he loved my laugh. I mean I guess that stuff was just plucked from a list of usual compliments to throw out there right? Nothing was real at all. Not a single thing. Like when he said “my favorite food is pizza, my favorite color is green” and so on. Am I to assume that even those things were just lies?

            I guess my point is it would just be nice to have at least one truth to hold onto. But knowing that every breath, every facial expression, every vocal intonation, every word….was all just one big fat lie.

            And I know we have tossed the jokes back and forth on the quick climaxing. I was not really bothered by it. He was all talk though, he used more words than he ever did actions. And for someone who tooted his horn by saying he was with 30+ people it sure did not seem like to me! And yeah I was 5 1/2 years older and he was like “Oh who cares, I was with a 50 year old once a long time ago!” He is 32 and told me he lost his virginity at 23! Do the math. LOL.

          5. catlady2468 says:

            I can totally relate… Every good lie has some fragment of truth to it as they say. It’s impossible to filter the truths from lies though and I’m sure that even the truths were stated as a means to an end. Communicating it seems isn’t the same for us and them. We share to care. They seem to semi share to pseudo care but more to prepare for self serving or preservation reasons, apparently whether or not they are aware of this or if done instinctually as I’ve just learned. And yes, I’m considering perhaps dating a mute next time around since I am so tired of words and sick of being left hanging waiting on actions that never happen… This may be the only way for me to ensure that I’m able to resist the words infiltrating my being and overtaking my senses lol now that’s some skilled black magic right there I think

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