What Have You Done For Me?


Ah, you recall those heady days during the golden period when nothing was too much trouble for me? Breakfast would be brought to you in bed. I would take your dog for a walk without being asked. I would leave those little love notes hidden around the house for you to find after your trip away. I would walk into the countryside and pick flowers for you to hand over to you with my dimpled smile. Something upset you? I would listen on the telephone or drive across to listen as you cried and emptied your heart. I was on hand, on time and on your side.

After a few months, longer if you are really lucky, my helpfulness and ever present assistance has eroded. If you ask me to do something you will be met with a sigh and a roll of the eyes and I may just do it. More likely I vanish when chores are required. I never answer the phone when you desperately need to speak to me to discuss your bad day at work. I flat refuse to do the things that I always did for you and indeed I will even deny that I ever did them. To reinforce this stark withdrawal of my services I will then always query what have you done for me? I will trot out the list of things that I have done for you (adding some fabricated ones in for good measure – go on, try and suggest I am making them up and see what happens next). Isn’t it curious how I have a foggy memory about agreeing to pain the fence yet I can recall with amazing recall the date, manner and duration of each and everything that I have done for you. I only ever did it so I could hook you and then throw it back in your face. Of course, as with everything I do, you frantically try to fathom out what has happened and to steer us back to my useful and helpful period. Thus the dance goes on.


30 thoughts on “What Have You Done For Me?”

  2. Amy S

    I am not a Primary either..
    he still lives with his parents..
    he must have all secondary sources..
    although I believe i was his Primary for many years.. even if we didn’ t lived under the same roof.. because we were together most of the time..

  3. Yep! We were long distance and I traveled to see him many times at my own expense. There was one time that he stood me up and did now show and gave an excuse which I know was a lie. When I became upset about it he spun it around on me and referenced all the other times he saw me at my travels. Like he did ME a favor or something. But he played it off like “well just think of all the OTHER TIMES we had together….surely those were wonderful right?”….excuses for his behavior and not his fault. Pretty typical so I have read.

      1. Maria,
        Same country, different state. He was a 13 hours away. I flew to visit him a total of 4 times over the course of 1 year.

      2. Ooops hit send too soon! When I say 13 hours I meant if I had driven in my car it would have been about 13 hours. The plane ride was about 2 hours.

    1. Gabrielle, our situations were very similar. I was a long distance IPSS that lives about a 12 hour car ride away. I drove or flew to him at least 12 times over a 2 year period. Once he stood me up, blaming it on a work project, which I knew was a total lie. I let it slide though because I didn’t want to rock the boat that early in to the “relationship”. I was completely addicted. He would always future-fake & say he was going to come see me, but he never did. So glad I see him for what he is now.

      1. Wompus,
        Wow that is horrible! As horrible as it is at least I am not alone and can relate to someone else who has been in a similar situation. Mine used to future fake with me to say he would visit me as well. I was even dumb enough to pay for his trips to visit me. There was no way that would have flown (haha pun not intended) with the wife though.

  4. All I really want to know is how to deal with him for 2 ueaes more, and whether he will leave me alone after I change my job. I don’t give a shit if he is mean or not. I’m in this mess now, nothing I can do to fix it.

    1. Hi Amy, there are quite a few questions which I have regarding this situation in order to provide you with the appropriate insight to address the ongoing situation and then what will happen thereafter. Given I have numerous questions to establish the facts and also this produces variables, it is best suited to a consultation so I answer you properly.

    2. Amy S

      Are you in England?
      I am, and in Yorkshire precicely .

      You’ll probabily wonder why i am asking.
      Well, it might be sounding strange, but many times i have the feeling that here in the blog i might find the other Secondary source of the narc i am entangled with.
      That would be really amazing.

  5. I said ‘morning’ to him when I saw him out of courtesy, but he didn’t reply. Just looked at me. I think my golden period is over … not that I care. my golden period has lasted about a year. Do you think it’s over now, HG?

    1. Would you say you are still in a Formal Relationship? Your opening sentence makes it sound that you just happened to see him somewhere.

      1. We never were in a formal relationship. I’m his NISS I’m here to ‘admire’ him. He makes it look like he likes me around everyone, but only I know that he is playing around with me, very subtly. I can feel.

          1. I think he can feel I have figured him out… I don’t know, though. He is a Mid ranger so he doesn’t realise who he is. On the other hand, maybe he knows what he is doing, just doesn’t know why he is like that.

  6. My ex was always helpful with doing dishes, helping prepare meals, bringing groceries, fixing things, getting the car fixed. But if i wanted to discuss something pertaining to the relationship, he would be attentive in the first few months. After about a year, i was met with eye rolls regarding discussions. I didn’t care though. I still got my point across regarding what i wanted to talk about.

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