Why Haven’t I Heard From Him?
The infamous hoover is widely-used and once people learn to recognise the various hoovers that we deploy they can often be seen coming thick and fast following your escape from us or if you have been discarded. Every so often however some people point out that they have not have been hoovered. The narcissist in their life just vanished and the victim only realised after the event that they had been callously discarded. The victim has heard nothing from the narcissist ever since and cannot even locate him or her. It is rarer, but it might even happen when you escape our clutches, instigate no contact as best you can but you expect a hoover to happen because he knows where you live or she works near to where you work. Surely that hoover will be coming? Usually it does. Usually there is the initial grand hoover which is a forceful and frenetic attempt to win you back, in effect, when you have sought to escape us. If we discarded you, when we decide we want some hoover fuel perhaps as part of a triangulation with the new primary source, we come looking for you pledging a new start and issuing promises to change as part of a benign hoover. Resist that and the malign hoover may make an appearance as you are berated and denigrated in order to punish you and draw negative fuel from you. However, what does it mean if there has been nothing but silence? Is that it? Are you free? Have you beat your narcissist?
When the expected hoover fails to manifest in the days and weeks after escape or discard there are differing reasons as to why this is the case. Those reasons are as follows: –
- If you have been discarded and not heard from us, then there is a high chance that we are revelling in the positive fuel from the new target that we selected. This person was courted by us during your devaluation as we tired of your increasingly stale fuel. They were lined-up, seduced and drawn into our web. Their seduction was effected without you being aware and once we were content that this person had been plugged in to us and was pumping out the required fuel we discarded you as we no longer had any use for you. We regarded you as never having existed. You have not heard from us because we have a new toy and we have no need of you. Consider how long your own golden period was with the relevant narcissist. Was it a year, perhaps it was longer? If so, although there is no guarantee that we will afford the same golden period to each person we ensnare, there will be a similarity. This is because we tend to choose similar types of individuals as our victims and therefore the golden period whilst not identical is likely to be of a similar length. Thus, if your golden period was a year, the golden period for your replacement will be of a similar length of time. We are delighted with this person, they are wonderful, our soulmate, you know the drill by now. Since this person is the centre of our universe we have no need to trouble you for, say, at least a year, hence you have not heard from us.
- If you discarded us by in effect escaping us and put yourself not beyond total reach but it would be difficult for us to establish contact with you for the purposes of commencing the initial grand hoover against you, then you may not hear from us. This scenario is one whereby you have reduced our spheres of influence and cut off most of the channels of communication. You could be found but the effort required in doing so is beyond the capability of desire of the particular narcissist you were embroiled with. If this person is a lesser or mid-range type of our kind, they are less likely to have the capability to track you down nor the energy to want to do so. The sudden loss of their primary source, because you escaped us,will have them thrown into a panicked state. Your escape is a criticism of us. A massive criticism. This creates a huge wound. This will ignite our fury and we need fuel double quick to cope with this. You cannot be found or reached. We have not had time to put in place a new primary source. In this instance we face a choice. Do we waste energy trying to hoover you when the prospects are slim or do we turn elsewhere for fuel? When dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind, the answer will always be that we will turn elsewhere for fuel. This will mean :-
- Targeting a new primary source and seducing that person as quickly as possible;
- Targeting a new primary source whilst relying on supplementary sources for fuel to keep us “topped up” until such time as the new primary source is attached and providing fuel;
- Relying on supplementary sources and withdrawing and stabilising before seeking a new primary source. This scenario causes us to adopt a low profile.
Any of the above permutations means that our focus will be elsewhere and therefore we will appear to have no interest in you.
- If you discarded us by escaping and also, as a consequence of your preparedness not only managed to escape effectively but exposed what we are to people who have believed you before we could smear you then you will have caused us massive damage. In such an instance the following would apply:-
- We have suffered an immediate cessation of our primary source of fuel and do not have a replacement;
- We may well have suffered damage to our supplementary sources who have been shown the truth of what we are;
- The wound caused by the criticism caused by your escape AND the exposure to our façade will be huge.
In such circumstances withdrawal would be the only likely option in order to conserve energy (and avoid the risk of continued criticism by engaging with people who now know what we are) to then enable us to find new source of fuel away from what has now become an infected area for us. In a large urban environment this is not such a problem for us, but in a small town or rural community it would necessitate us moving to pastures new.
Accordingly, in this scenario you would not hear from us for some time as we relocate and lick our wounds.
In the second and third scenarios not only is there the fact that we have to spend time finding a new primary source (and thus will not bother with you) but once we have them then we are focused on that person in the golden period and thus the period of time when you do not hear from us may well be extended.
There are three points to bear in mind.
The first is that where you have escaped us the initial grand hoover is more likely to happen than not but if it does not happen, it will be for the reasons detailed above.
The second is that where we have discarded you we often will still hoover you on a malign basis in order to triangulate you with our new primary source. If there is no hoover however then this is because we are engrossed in your replacement and have in effect forgotten about you.
The third point is that you may not have been hoovered for some time but if you appear in our sphere of influence then that hoover will come. It may be months away, maybe even years, but it will come.
Accordingly, when you ask the question, “why haven’t I heard from him?” You really ought to be asking the question,
“Why haven’t I heard from him, yet?”
53 thoughts on “Why Haven’t I Heard From Him?”
Broke up with my Narcissist 3 months ago and not have heard anything.treated her very well but told me I feel we should go out sepret ways because your cheap and dont like to spend money but I wined and dined her,so she said bi and have a good life.and said don’t call because I blocked you on everything..this came out of know where..
HG – when a narcissist tries to hoover an ex and the ex maintains no contact does the narcissist secretly respect them for figuring them out or are they just mad they can’t get hoover fuel?
There is no respect. The Greater may have a degree of grudging admiration for the upping of the game and therefore press harder. The Lesser and the Mid-Ranger will be wounded by the maintenance of no contact.
Hi HG, I am lost as to whether I have been hoovered or if the grand hoover is yet to come. My narc is now back with his ex girlfriend after calling her daily for the last 6 months telling her he would return when she proved herself to him. He had started devaluation the two weeks prior to the split by disappearing to hers and giving me the silent treatment but returning intermittently to spend a day or two with me claiming that he thought I was cheating and he was going through some form of breakdown. I found out where he was though. Even after I had spoken to his ex and knew the score he called me asking me to meet him, telling me she was lying, he loves me blah blah blah. I stayed calm and told him if that was true he would get the items he had at her house and return home that night. Obviously he couldn’t. Since that point I refused to let him collect his stuff until he repaid the money he owed me. Later that week I get a text telling me I started changing things, he got it in his head I was cheating, all he ever wanted was our family. I shut it down. He said he would be over the following week for his stuff and would bring my money then blocked me. He never showed. My friend contacted him to say she had his stuff, he had a deadline to bring the money and collect. He made contact with her to talk and ask she return it to me as he was sure that there would be stuff in the shed he needed. She sent a text for me refusing to do this. He never set a date and missed the deadline. His stuff has gone to the local charity shop and the bin. Nothing more was heard from him since last month then last week he randomly tried to add another of my close friends on social media. I thought I had done sufficient work to stop any potential return / contact. Am I possibly wrong to have had this naive thought? I believe that he is a mid but im not entirely sure of what other category. I have just started reading your book on revenge on the narcissist. Very interesting I must say. Perhaps I should start to deploy some of your suggested techniques?! This narc upset my child, it would be in his best interests to stay away from us. I can be as cold towards him as he is dead inside if it means showing him I mean business.
My golden period was for about two years, perhaps a bit longer (excellent little fueler that I must be…I knew something was off even then but I pulled the wool over my own eyes since the golden period can be so excruciatingly delicious). So, according to your post he’ll be busy being enamored with new supply/appliance and I’m fairly safe for quite a while and can use the time to sharpen the skills and power I’ve been learning from you, HG. I know you say he most likely will hoover eventually, but I really don’t think so. If he does, however, I will actually sign up for one of your personal consultations to make sure the draw bridge is up and the moat is full of (unemotional, but very wounding) alligators.
This is what they want. You can only stay in this state for a certain amount of time before your brains about to explode. I too felt as you did. What happened was I fully swallowed the pill that these people are completely different. What makes sense to a normal mind isn’t what makes sense to them. In fact they don’t like sense, they seem to like confusion which is the state I was left in and you are too. This leaves us connected even if only through anger over the injustice. I finally reached a place where I forgave him and let him know. I didn’t expect a return contact as I no longer wanted reconciliation. I was 15 years with a malignant covert narcissist and was discarded without word when I was getting too close to the truth. Now I see that was a good thing. I can see it a mile off now and now thank god that just maybe the experience changed me from naive to alert. Behind all charm could lie another motive, be trusting but smart. I promise when you know deep in your soul he is not a decent person, you can reach acceptance and possibly forgiveness. I’ve found forgiveness without reconciliation the best exit there is. You are no longer waiting, the hammer has been brought down…. hugs xo
Thank you Frances, yes you are right. I think the reason I’m struggling is because I know that he doesn’t know who he is and it’s not his fault the way he is. Somehow I feel sorry for him. I tend to forget about all horrible things that happened.I know nor me or anyone can help him ,I know that he will never change and that I should concentrate on building my defenses and move forward. I just need more time..
Hi Broken Wing, they do know what they are doing, it’s all deliberate. They know right from wrong although they don’t care. They’ve learned through watching other people what is the right way to act to get the desired outcome. Good or bad, they don’t care. I think once you can comprehend this painful realisation you will start to heal. The anger has to come first. I got so angry I ended up having a heart attack over the lies and betrayal. It was in my hospital bed I finally said no more. He’s nearly killed me twice, the first was a grand mal seizure after he shattered me the first time. Don’t go around again, he’s not worth it. You are, in the end we always have ourselves. And that self is a good person. 💗💗💗💗
How can you ‘forget’ about a primary source when something has gone wrong? I.E, The empath has discarded you, or you have discarded them/giving them the silent treatment?
You talk about a primary source making you feel good and powerful. So, surely when things go wrong, you don’t just ‘forget’ about them whilst looking for another source surely? Do you have moments where you *think* about them in ANY sense? Even if it’s just remembering a certain time when something they said made you feel particularly empowered… if so, are these ‘nice’ memories for you?
In what context do you ‘miss’ someone, if any? Because if you keep coming back, it serves an importance in your life, especially if they’re a good source. Why would a narc settle for supplementary source and not conive and ‘fight’ for their primary source back? It would still be under a false pretence
If they *are* nice memories, can you dwell on them to the point where you will PUSH yourself to find another source, purely to teach them that lesson? I believe people only punish the people who have meaning in their lives
Although I understand reasons behind his silence now and I know I should feel blessed , somehow it still makes me feel bad that he didn’t try to contact me in any way since the discard.
I felt that way too for a while. It faded for me.
How long has it been abrokenwing?
Thanks Aura Gael, it’s been eight long months and I’m still trapped.😢
You will achieve freedom, you are in the place which will deliver it.
I know.. Thank you so much Mr.Tudor 🙂
Im in the same boat. Its been 2 months since we last spoke
Same here. Longest silence ever. I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall since I am told it always does.
HG, I posted this question on an older thread that I realize you’re probably not monitoring, so I’m re-posting here.
How would a narc (mid-range elite) react if he knew that two former IPPSs were comparing notes about him? Of course it would provide fuel, but would he also feel threatened?
IPPS #1, who escaped long ago, still sees him on rare occasions because of shared children and grandchildren. IPPS #2 (me, discarded) has maintained no contact with him for 4 months.
He would feel threatened that there was a risk of exposure owing to his innate paranoia. This would lead him to want to find out what was being said with a view to playing the two former IPPSs off against one another.
Excellent! I’m delighted to think he feels threatened. He has no prayer of finding out what’s being said, so he can just go on worrying. Thanks for the response, HG.
You are welcome.
I don’t think they all come back but if I’m wrong please feel free to educate me. It’s been a year since mine was exposed as a liar and a sex addict. He was also exposed by one other person at the same time. A friend he lived with. Together we put all the pieces together. He discarded both of us rather than face the music. HG Can they get to a place where they decide a victim is too much trouble? He unblocked me on Facebook over a month ago after telling me I was dead to him a year ago. I took your advice and blocked him. I think giving them any information is like loading their gun.
It will be a year in June since I’ve heard from him or tried to contact him. I couldn’t be happier.
Good work, maintain those defences.
Thank You.. The Only Thing I’m having a little problem with is if he Said he wanted to change and stop Drinking why now in 9 years with me he had never changed.. He was Diagnosed a Narcissist at 16 years old and all signs are right on.. So will he Change with another woman and why wasn’t that woman me?
No he will not. Therefore your second question becomes redundant Shelly.
Thanks, HG. I hope you are doing well.
It’s been a bit.
In a Marriage and relationship for 9 years out 12 months he called 2 Months ago wanting to change his life & He still loved me he was Homeless and wanted to fix some legal issues 2 warrants he also wanted to stop Drinking He is a Alcoholic..I told him I had no more feelings for him and I Didn’t Love him anymore but I would drive him to the jail to turn himself in.. As of Today I haven’t heard one thing from him.. A few days After that I blocked him on everything..I wasn’t his supply anymore Pretty sure he found that new supply.. But he’s had 5 relationships in a year at least it’s not me anymore!
My narc has had me blocked for 4 months. Said he’d never talk to me again as long as he lived . I saw him yesterday on the hiking trail. He walked right by no words just a weird smile. I text this morn “get help”. Him–“only help I need is for u to let me alone– me: don’t flatter yourself. I just don’t have it in my DNA to feel the level of hate you’re capable of”. The irony. He unblocked me to tell me to let him alone
What next? It’s all too funny
Care to speculate HG?
Thank you HG. This article answered perfectly my previous question about my friend and her narc that has been totally absent for quite some time.
I guess she will be just another sitting duck………all in good time..
Ano ex friend of mine who I cut off sent me a card a month later and in it was a load of wrotten projected shit. I threw it in the bin. That was 4 months ago and my child has just said she has requested to be her friend on fb. Oh my how dare she use my child. Anyway she was instantly blocked again (she had been blocked before but opened another fb account it would seem). HG I thought straight away: block and not for me to contact her to rant. Negative fuel no more. Is that the appropriate action HG?
You are seizing the power.
Thank you HG. Many many did I tell you many hours were wasted over that one. I am seeing it all so clearly now. Not sure which category she falls into but that does not matter. I know she is evil, very evil. Great to know I am on the right track and my depression is slipping away too. Will keep reading your information. Thank you for sharing it with us 😃
The vanishing act of the narcissist helps understand why the police do not immediately start looking for *adults* who go missing (except for pregnant women and people who are mentally or physically impaired) after the case has been reported by a relative.
Often a relative stands behind such a disappearance and knows where the body is hidden.
You are right, abrokenwing. In that case the murderer is a sociopath/psychopath. I was speaking about those cases when people who are not sociopaths disappear. Adults, not children. When family members report the case to the police, they are told that they do not see it as a priority because there are over hundred thousand reports of missing people every year and most of those people are not at risk because *it was their own decision to leave their partners/family* (they have relationship problems), which is true if they are sociopaths doing the Silent Treatment or Discard. As a result of that, people missing who are not sociopaths and who are at risk or have been already murdered are ignored by the police (Low Risk). Family members end up hiring expensive private investigators, if they can afford it.
I was just joking E.B! I meant narcissist as a dead person and IPPS as a relative. To be clear , orange is not my color and I have two kids to look after.😉
I can confirm that. A narcissist I had in my life when I was much younger ( I escaped) kept hoovering, from time to time, for 8 years. Then he stopped completely and re-appeared with a fb friend request 8, 9 years later. I accepted it a long time later, bc I wasn’t afraid of him anymore. He started hoovering again, with no effect. But they do come back, usually. I would also like to ask a question, HG: Can a narcissist change school while growing up and maturing? Can, for example, a mid-range become a greater one day? Or the school they “belong” to is an inherent part of their personality?
Hello M, there is no mobility between schools.
Thank you, HG 🙂
Your story has made my morning Karma! Go you! And thanks for sharing ☺
Thank you dear!
Life is getting better by the day. Have not read your story yet!! Sorry just enjoying my freedom but I will catch up this weekend!
Darkness gone and power is back. No more BS.. ❤️
And what if: (1) we remain in your physical proximity (at work) but have put you on NC (2) you know that we know *exactly* what you are and (3) your hoover attempts have failed miserably and made you appear desperate and very much “less than”? What then? Well I will tell you. They quit trying because it makes them look/feel weak and needy to be constantly rejected. Having her be forced to see me daily and me not even acknowledge her existence is pure delight. She now avoids me in the halls to escape the reminder of (1) her rejection, (2) her invisibility to an escaped high grade supply source and (3) the fact that I know the false persona is a total act. Sweet justice on a daily basis–the gift that keeps on giving, ahhh 🙂
HG, I am assuming that you had many primary sources in your life. Do you really make the effort to hoover every single one at one point or another? Seems like a huge energy expense. Surely there are some of us who never get hoovered at all even if we do appear in a sphere of influence. I am curious how long the average duration of your relationships is. My Ex Narc can only do about 6 months. It seems to get faster the older he gets. Any idea why that would be? The targets might be more mature?
If there is a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met, then the hoover will happen. Thus, if I am receiving fuel adequately elsewhere and a former IPPS enters a sphere of influence but I have no means of contacting them, then the hoover will not happen. He is choosing ineffective IPPSs.
For so long I was devastated that he went ST on me. My soul was screaming after him. Begging for closure and for him to recognize my existence. I slowly died inside and fell ill. The way back has been extremely hard and lonely. Very few friends understood what I was going tru.
Then he suddenly reappeared like nothing happened only to play mind games and disappear again. A vicious cycle of abuse that only stopped when I closed of all communication once and for all.
The hoovers have stopped for now because I gave no fuel at all. I did respond for a while but emotionally he got zero from me. No anger, no love and no special attention. I could see he was desperate for another golden period but I’m not anymore. I’m simply done with him. Wish I was indifferent but since I am not I have blocked him everywhere. Struggled with that for so long, thought I didn’t have to resort to such childish behavior. Then after a few months with HGs books and daily visits on this blog I realized that it’s not childish when we do block them because we do it to us and not to them. That is the key 🔑 … all we do from now on has be be about US and not the N.
I feel empowered and in harmony. He can no longer reach out to me and I no longer wait in agony for him. I’m free!!!!
Staying out of the sphere of influence and keeping my guard up.
So this used to be me asking over and over again why haven’t I heard from him… but it was just a matter of time. He has no primary source and life is crumbling… but I am no where to be found. I’m safe!
Have a lovely day all my fellow victims!
Sigh. This is where I am at right now. I was discarded and then hoovered about 4 times since the end of last summer. August, October, December and February. About 2 months in between each. I reached out in March and got the “my phone broke and I lost your number” excuse with a hefty dose of indifference I had never heard before (different from the prior discards it seemed). It was at that time that instead of his usual vanishing act I was told “if you love me you will give me space and not talk to me”. And being the sap that I am that is exactly what I did. Complete with an emotional email of “I love you and am always here for you”. Based on that I am sure I will eventually be hoovered. Seeing as how his prior pattern was about 2 months should I count myself out of the woods once I pass that timeframe?
U R the Master of this topic! I have listened to numerous “experts” for years to ensure my own survival after divorcing a mid-range and after dating a greater. I reach out to you because my ex-narc discarded me years ago, and has been in a relationship with someone else, but will periodically “hover” or “check back” for what I feel is a “supply hit” only….like he’s doing me a favor. Why can’t a narc just be happy with their primary source of supply? Isn’t it EXHAUSTING to have to Idealize, Devalue & Discard over and over only to end up ALONE? If being ALONE and starved of supply is such a fear, then why not eliminate all the chaos and just stay with one primary source and leave people like me alone? Can u explain ?
Hi. My narc discarded me after 2 years of not being together but thee constant push/pull – I went to a tavern
He warned me not to frequent because it was “his” place –,when I did he said. ” no matter what happens in my life I will never speak to you again as long as I live because you are vindictive “. I was fine with that — I continued to visit this place and he quit going there however
I was out in a secluded area today mushroom hunting , no one else around , I saw him walking toward me down the path with his bag of mushrooms . He passed me at a fast clip with a smile on his face . I wanted so bad to not react but it was knee jerk I gave a half smile and a
Little wave , we weren’t three feet apart , so weird . Haven’t seen him in months. I have been reading and learning ” no emotion” and just like that I was caught off guard – gave a smirk and a little wave . It was so automatic ! I need to keep reading and studying —
Maybe that was a hoover?
Ohhh … but you do come back, once your new primary source doesn’t fuel you as you expected, then you reappear on a strategic date, perfect for manipulation, we get a “Happy Easter Sunday” text… like nothing happened… the Hoover. Thanks HG, now I don’t feel guilty to ignore.
I got a Happy Easter LMFAO !!!