Death

DEATH-2

 

It is fair to state somewhat euphemistically that death is an inconvenience for everyone. In respect of my kind and me, it causes all manner of problems and issues which are especially irksome. Death generally only affects people in two respects. Their own death and the death of other people. Our responses to those two aspects are far-removed from that of the reactions of ordinary people and especially those of an empathic nature.

First of all, how do we regard the death of someone else. The demise of a stranger causes to response from us unless we realise that in order to maintain the façade that it would be advantageous to say “the right things” and come out with those empty platitudes that people do so often when they read of a tragedy somewhere. When this happens and somebody makes mention of some loss of life, perhaps the drowning of a toddler who was not being properly supervised and fell into a bath or the consequence of an aeroplane crashing, I observe the reactions of the collective with interest. There are the expressions of shock, the declarations of horror and how this is such a terrible event. As I watch and listen I do wonder who the greater charlatans are in this event. Is it me who does not care and cannot care but pretends to do so in order to maintain my precious façade or is it those who claim to care about somebody they never knew and would never have known?

If the death of someone is closer to home, a friend or a family member then my reaction is no different save that it is laced with irritation and indeed often anger at the loss of someone who was a source of fuel for me. If that person forms a supplementary source, then there is irritation at this loss but this person can readily be replaced with a new member rising to form part of my coterie. If the person who has been lost to the hand of the grim reaper is a primary source of fuel, then I am consumed with fury. How could this person treat me in this fashion? I gave them everything and then they leave me in the most complete fashion, with no chance of that sweet, sweet restoration. This departure amounts to a criticism of me, a reminder that even someone as great and powerful as I was unable to prevent the removal of a potent source of fuel. Thus this criticism ignites my fury and I rage at the injustice of their death. Some who witness this might mistake this response for an outburst of grief at the taking of this person. It is not that. It is the explosion of wrath at someone who was so potent to me escaping me and thus denying me my rightful fuel and denying me the opportunity to put in place a replacement. I do not mourn their passing away. I rage at the passing of my fuel source.

Do not expect to see me attend the funerals of those that are regarded as supposedly close to me and where my attendance might otherwise be expected. I will not be there. I know there are those of our kind who revel in the drama and the high emotion that is attached to a funeral and regard it as a honey pot for the acquisition of fuel. There are those of our kind who will hijack the occasion and make it all about them, wailing and shedding those false tears in order to draw well-meant sympathy from the other attendees. There are those of our kind who will create a scene at the funeral, arriving late, arriving drunk, collapsing part way through the service, making a snide remark in a loud stage whisper in order to draw reactions from everyone else that is there. Yes, many of our kind will attend and exhibit their over-acted grief purely to draw attention to themselves and away from the person who is now lying in the cold, hard ground. Our kind will express their huge sense of loss, how the deceased was such a wonderful father, caring mother, beloved uncle or best friend. Such a shameless performance which is carefully choreographed in funereal black to maximise the opportunity to have the spotlight shine on them and thus drink up all the attendant fuel. A disagreement will be provoked with another family member and harsh words exchanged. Over the top blubbing will take place with cries of “Don’t leave me!” as the coffin is lowered. The occasion of death and the attended ceremony provides a wonderful stage to our kind to perform our sick routines to make it all about us, fashioned from the pretence of actually caring. We do not care. We cannot care. We resent the fact that this person has escaped us. We resent the fact that everybody is turning out to pay their respects to the deceased and not training their attention onto us which is where it should belong. Should you ever witness melodrama at a funeral do not mistake it for the exaggerating effects of grief and loss, you are observing one of our kind milking the moment for all it is worth.

That is the response of many of our kind to the loss of a “loved one” or a “close friend” who has passed away after a full life or taken too soon. It is not my response. I have only ever attended one funeral in my life and that was the funeral of my father. I only broke my own protocol to do this as a consequence of the diktat from my mother and also at the behest of my younger brother who begged me to accede to her request so that she would not erupt and undermine the occasion of our father’s death. I duly obliged, just the one, purely in order to satisfy my desires however. I wanted to rein in my mother’s theatrics and watch how she really responded to the death and subsequent committing to another place of my father. You may well have read elsewhere in my works of that particular day. That was the only time that I have attended a funeral and I did it to further my own understanding and in order to loathe in my own private way the way my mother was behaving. That gave me tremendous satisfaction.

Thus, I only broke my protocol of non-attendance once and shall not do so again. Why is it that I will not attend funerals when there is such a prime opportunity to take centre stage and draw greedily on all the available fuel? It is a simple reason enough. I will not attend funerals because I do not wish to be reminded of my own mortality. Like a medieval monarch who stayed away from funerals, even of the preceding monarch and his own wives and offspring, because it would cause others to contemplate the death of the current monarch, something which was treasonable, I too will not attend. I have no desire to contemplate my demise. I do not want to recognise that one day all of this must end for this offends my notion of omnipotence. I do not wish to linger at the edge of the abyss that is life, staring into the nothingness of oblivion. Such is the finality of the mortal end to one’s existence, it engenders and raises the very prospect of that extinction that I fight against each and every day through the acquisition of fuel to maintain my construct and keep myself from being consigned into oblivion. To contemplate a mortal death is to invite the horrifying reality of the extinguishing of who I wish to be and that which I must not let happen.

I do not fear my mortal death for I will have my legacy in place and thus I shall live on through that. No, what I would rather not be reminded of, through the occurrence of the passing of others and the subsequent surrounding ceremony, is that I sometimes teeter on the brink on annihilation. The thought of that fills me with despair, only for myself and therefore I choose not to engage in that which will so forcefully and rudely remind me of it.

I know death embraces all eventually. I am not a foolish man and that is why I have worked to secure my legacy so that I may out stride death.

I care not, save for the loss of my fuel, when its cold hand snuffs out the life of others. Our type does not mourn the death of others. We are unable to do so. We are not equipped to achieve this. Never expect any sincere mourning to ever be evidenced by our kind.

I care not to contemplate what mortal death signifies for me in my ongoing struggle to keep such annihilation at bay.

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85 thoughts on “Death”

      1. In August 2015 I had already been desparately searching the internet for informations about narcissistic personality disorder for months! Came about some very helpful anglo-american blogs from female survivors who provided me with the most necessary insights. But it took me until January 2017 to discover HG’S Blog and to open myself up to a new way of thinking.
        It has been a long way since then!
        HG, thank you for giving us this blog!
        As you already know, I admire and appreciate the creativity and literary quality of your writing very very much!

        Like

  1. Nothing irritates me more than the token presence RIPs on Facebook walls from people who never knew the diseased, and if they knew them, all the more shallow the condolences are.
    Same goes for the normal people who have the capability to feel all emotions, yet they choose to be cruel, unempathic, condescending, etc. in contrast to some narcissists who choose to be respectful, and kind.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi HG,
    I appreciate you allowing us to peek into your mind with your works. Now, I am going to ask a question that has been nagging at me that I hope it doesn’t come off as being jerkish or offensive, as I really do not mean it this way and do not wish to offend at all. I am curious, as I do not think like you do. Do you ever think that you are being ridiculous in some of these situations? You are a smart man. You KNOW some of this is just not acceptable in respectful interactions. (I mean, you write in detail about what you do and how it is not acceptable) Yet, you do it. Sure, because of this lack of guilt, fuel and perhaps a streak of pleasure. I understand. But….it is the cognitive piece I do not understand. How do you reconcile this in your cognitive thinking? Or do you just keep so busy that it doesn’t reach that level of processing? You do and you go?

    I hope I did not offend, just trying to understand the contrast in how cognitively brilliant you are with how unreasonable you can be (based on your writing) in your interactions.

    Reading my own question back, I would NEVER ask anyone this….shoot…but, you…you share all of these qualities with us openly.

    I appreciate any insight you can share, or tell me to piss off.

    Indy

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Hi Indy,

      No I am not offended and I recognise your polite prefacing of your question, thank you.

      Let me put it this way:-

      Was Robert the Bruce of Scotland ridiculous in hiding on a Hebridean cave before attacking fellow Scots to govern Scotland and then challenged the English rule of Edward II which was regarded as inviting almost certain defeat? Was he ridiculous to decide to face a much larger English army at Bannockburn where again it was regarded that he would be crushed? He won that battle and established Scottish independence from England.
      Was JK Rowling ridiculous to keep submitting her Harry Potter novel when it kept getting rejected by publishers?
      Was Ford ridiculous in persevering with establishing a motor company when he went bust five times?
      Was Colonel Sanders ridiculous for persevering with his chicken and secret blend of herbs and spices despite being knocked back over a 1000 times?
      Was Ken Ahroni ridiculous for deciding people would want plastic wishbones to break at the table, before selling millions?

      Now, I appreciate that you might draw distinction between these endeavours and the way that I function but it is all a question of perspective. The people listed above may well have been regarded as idiots for doing what they did, for flying in the face of popular and critical opinion, but from their perspective it was necessary and right for them.
      I understand that from your perspective the things that I say and do (and those of my brethren) seem ridiculous but they are not because from our perspective they enable us to achieve what needs to be achieved for us.
      I for instance think somebody curling up in a ball and crying because their dog has died is ridiculous and a waste of time and energy. Someone else considers that an understandable expression of grief.
      I can see why you may view certain things as ridiculous, but that is from your perspective, it is not ridiculous from ours.

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      1. Bravo and well said HG! It take all of us to make the world go around. Just think everyone if HG were not who he is, plus a great writer-we empaths would still be in the dark and asking any and everyone “why this, why that, etc.”

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    2. He cannot understand because there is a part in his brain that is responsible for certain feelings that doesn’t work.
      It is not his fault . He cannot change .

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      1. Hi G,
        I respectfully disagree. He is responsible for his actions and abuses he inflicts on those in his real life. He is also cognitively capable of deep understanding, including cognitive empathy. He does not have emotional empathy at levels we experience. Now, I would never tell someone that is a partner of a narcissist to hope for change. when someone is abused, I advise leaving and self care. However, I do think HG has the capability to grow and change and he has shown that here in his writing. Why else would his therapists work with him? I think NPD is developmental in nature and often triggered by a childhood abuse of some sort, like a trauma. Like PTSD, though deeper and complex. So, HG, I believe there is hope for him, his insight is rare and unique. IF he chooses, of course. This is why I push him with such questions. A learning exchange. It helps my understanding as well.

        He gives us a lot here. I’ve grown from his knowledge. I have the same wish for him. Thus, I push with such questions.

        Liked by 2 people

      1. Hi SuperXena,
        I am, thanks. Hope you are as well. I have responses to his response in moderation. I clarified my question a bit more, well I hope. All in due time as he needs to review. It’s an ongoing discussion for me with no clear answer (in general) other than fuel, differing perspectives, and differences in the ability to empathize fully emotionally. It’s ok that is the case. All things complex have multiple facets of strength and weakness. I’m just pushing a bit to help both my understanding and to maybe push HG a bit as I do have hope he can show some changes in his personal life. He has done great things here for us, hoping that improvements are happening in his relationships in his private life.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hello Indy! Thanks I am fine! I totally agree with you..I hope his work brings positive collateral effects for him as well. I look forward to reading his answers to you. I have asked him many questions as well about his process of de-construct and finding more ” prosocial” behaviour. I have not recieved yet any clear answer…so I have stopped asking him…for a while..Patience is not one of my strongest sides…still working on it.
        Best wishes!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Interesting take, and yes have witnessed many of these behaviours you describe. StepNarcs sister threw herself against the coffin of her father, wailing away. This of course after it was found that she had been stealing his pension money for ages. I feel nothing about dead people and am annoyed at having to attend funerals, well….save for StepNarcs death which ranks right up there. On the other hand though, I do not fear my death. I dont hurry it along mind you, just dont care, which is kind of surprising given that I don’t believe in any thing after either.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is the second time I have read this, though the first time I noticed this: “I do not fear my mortal death for I will have my legacy in place and thus I shall live on through that.” Legacy….In the form of a child? A foundation? A named company? Care to share?

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Hi 1Jaded1, it could be through these books and his promotion of knowledge on narcissists and how to leave. It could be other books, foundations, legal, adoption, royal, his name in some sort of fame gained in other areas of his life…the need to live on is particularly important to narcissists. As well as others too…I’m not sure we will ever know, 1jaded1, about HGs specific legacy tho.
        How are you doing these days? Hanging here….😊

        Like

      2. HG
        Yes, but will I (or any of us) still be alive to see your legacy, or is it for the next generation to witness?

        Like

    1. INDY

      Well theres his writing at the very least…..(and he’d like to think his golden dangling carrot).

      HG
      In all seriousness-I know you dont want children but would you, or have you considered donating sperm so that you would “live” on outside of your current planned legacy?
      Or is that a big no due to lack of control you would have over the process post donation?
      And NO I do not mean “donating’ it to your victims in the golden period. I mean in a medical facility.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I would not donate my sperm because, as you point out, I would have no control over the process post donation. Part of me is entertained by the notion of hundreds of Tudors appearing across the planet but pride dictates that those who are to be impregnated by my sperm must be of the right calibre, so donation is not the way to proceed.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. 1Jaded1,
        And he can adopt too, and create a bunch of Tudes that live in the Haus of Tude. I can visualize the cartoon/kids book, a bunch of little angry clouds, floating around with lightening bolts coming from them, raising all kinds of havoc. He would be the evil wizard that leads the little storm clouds. LOL

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      3. Indy and 1jaded1
        Re:Tudors little storm clouds.

        God help him in finding daycare, but I’ll babysit once a week just for the fun of it.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Yes, they are a fun little bunch of clouds! Just be sure to keep an eye out on those zappers! ((Storm cloud kiddos are my fav when they come in to clinic))

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      5. Too funny. My sister has a gang of 5. They all have blond hair. 4 have blue eyes, one has green. I took a trip to visit them one Christmas. They had a special present for me. Please keep in mind the oldest was 8 at the time. The present was blueprints for a completely booby trapped house for him to visit. Loose boards and stairs, doors with buckets that woukd drop chemicals when opened and other traps. Their favorite was a plank. When I asked what its purpose was, the 3 year old said they were going to tell N2 to walk it or…then she drew her finger from one ear to the next and made a whooshing noise. It was one of the most hilarious and borrifhing things I saw. Kids are something else. They wanted him gone. If HG had kids I’d expect the same…only the blueprint would be for the empaths. Oh the memories.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Insy. That would be awseome. HG. How many would you have? I see trees and not the forest. Hate me for it. I’ve been hated for less. When one is talking about deposits, in my mind i dont think adoption. I think procrearion.

        Like

      7. Hi NA,
        I think we wrote this response about his writing being potential legacy for him around the same time as I just saw your post. Great minds, girl😉 How are you these days? Hope well! Still eyeing Canada 😄
        Indy

        Like

      8. Hi Indy
        Im glad his response was that I will see it. Now I just wonder if when I witness it, that i will know it is him, or just that I have witnessed SOMEONES legacy, due to his anonymity.
        Also, I hope his legacy is good. He has only ever said he will leave a legacy and of course empaths assume it will be good. What a narcissist considers good, we may not.
        If you do tunnel up here, do you have a preference for color of the laundry room? Im leaning toward Iceberg for a light and airy feel.

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      9. Hi NA,

        Yes, I hope his legacy does not harm anyone. It had crossed my mind as well. That devilish streak of his!
        Hahaha, Laundry Room! How about Purple Indica…oh I mean Indigo 😉

        Indy

        Like

    2. They are a trip. They have a twisted sense of humor, just like their aunt. My sister says it’s like having 6 kids, sometimes.

      If HG had kids liike them, he would likely send them back.

      Like

      1. A trip? Haha. They are. The thing is that they would likely find you endearing. But they would challenge you. I would warn them and run for the hills. My BIL said awful things to them. Many of them retorted but they loved their dad. It made me want to vomit but he was their dad.

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  5. HG dont you care what people would think of you if you don’t attend the funeral of a loved one? What about the facade?
    And by the way how did matrinarc react to your fathers death?

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  6. There’s another way narcs use death. For triangulation. When I met my narc, he had been a widower for two years and was still firmly seated at the wake — to constantly draw attention to himself and his “overwhelming grief” and get fuel in the form of sympathy (especially since he hadn’t been able to hook a new primary source until he met me). Throughout our relationship, he used the late wife as a triangulation device, constantly reminding me that I could never be as wonderful as her.

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  7. I think if my Narc ex had died during the golden period, I would have had a completely different view of him. He is a functioning alcoholic and I am quietly glad every time I see him with jaundice.
    My narc mother fell asleep in an armchair snoring at her own mothers wake. I just remember the utter disrespect, what a peculiar way to seek attention. How HG would that have been justified in my Narc mothers head? Please HG let me have your take on that?

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      1. HG…

        Since you haven’t been talking to me for quite some time now, what is your level of wrath with me 1-10?

        Vashti

        Like

  8. Hi G,
    I also wish to say that HG is not be at fault for developing narcissistic personality disorder And he still has to rise above it and solve the problems that come along, such as abuse others and impulsivity. Just like those of us that were in narcissistic relationships, it was not our fault that we got into the relationship and it was still up to us to leave.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sorry HG to talk about you as though you weren’t here. I would like to say though of course it’s not his fault. However he has said that being this way serves him. The part of him which is not narcissistic and (I am sure there is something), or, his cognitive empathy can compensate for his cruelty, by helping us lot.

      Like

    2. I agree with you in that :
      “He is responsible for his actions and abuses he inflicts on those in his real life.”
      But I mean, he cannot understand about certain feelings because he is emotionally retarded. There must be a part in his brain that doesn’t work.Regions underdeveloped.. Understand what i mean?

      Like

      1. Hi G,
        I cannot agree with the term “emotionally retarded”, though I believe I know what you meant by it. My take is that he is capable of healing (to a degree) the parts of him that have been partitioned off since early abuses he endured. Like healing from complex chronic trauma. Those with BPD were previously thought by the mental health field for decades as “hopeless”…not true anymore. They can heal, improve, even if it isn’t a “cure”. As a mental health practitioner I have witnessed this. I dont think in cures for developmentally impacted disorders but in improvements. I conceptualize personality disorders as developmental disorders that were triggered by a combination of genetic vulnerability and environmental triggers and/or abuses that impact personality development. He can improve and reduce his rate of abuse toward others. It depends on his will. The brain is quite plastic through adulthood, and he can make new connections if he works on certain behavioral patterns repetitively. Again, this is all based on whether or not he desires to do so. That is often the nature of both sociopathy and narcissism. The view that their life serves their goals and see no need to change. I happen to agree with this right to decide up until it harms other people through abuse. Then it crosses into other people’s rights.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Indy
        Well said
        We all can change, it is a matter of will, understanding both sides and support, behavioral changes can make a difference in responding and reacting.

        Liked by 1 person

    3. “It was still up to us to leave”. That is so true Indiglowsky. Most therapists have affirmed for me that, yes, it is abuse that comes from the narcissist but they also ask me this…how is it serving you to stay 12345? When I finally really looked at that I realized there was something in me that got something out of staying. It might be pity, money, lifestyle, not having to really try to get healthy, the list goes on. While HG is getting fuel, victims often have a reason for staying that serves them. Looking at my part has really helped my recovery.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Indeed they do 12345. It takes them to wake up and identify it as abuse then that’s when they can really make the decision to stay or to go. What is serving you? That’s when you learn to look in deep at yourself and when you find what it really is all about. Many of us are primed for this abuse by our very own people that should love and protect us: our parents. I know it is said that it’s not there fault as they know no better but once you wake up and realise what the hell has been going on you can be deeper in hell but you can recover. We are never to inform people in abusive relationships to leave, as hard as it is its support them and empower them. The decision belongs to the victim and that’s even if they know they are a victim. It’s very hard not to intervene.

        Liked by 3 people

  9. I would trade death with my dad. He is needed more. I truly miss 4 other people in my life who have died. That sounds horrible. Many more than 4 have died.

    N2 used to go to every viewing and funeral if need be. When I did not want to attend, he called me disrespectful. I never understood. I didn’t know half of the people. He just wanted to be seen…and I was an extension. Now I know. Arm candy at a funeral. Classy..

    In my morbid sense of humor, at an Aunt’s funeral, all 5 remaining siblings were sitting front row and center. I wondered who would exit next and had to suppress a laugh in the middle of the service. 2 have since died.

    Regarding my own dearh, IDGAF. Like I said, I would trade with my dad. Idk what happens after. If I get to see people who do not GAF at my funeral…and they are shedding crocodile tears…I will haunt them forever.

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  10. Did you ever think about killing one of your victims ?
    I have often nightmares that he would come to my place to take me from my boyfriend and kill. And I wake up scared and I look next to me , there is my boyfriend and I still in my bed , save in my home.

    Even though he doesn’t contact me at all, I have this type of nightmare.
    I think I am traumatized .. idk

    Like

    1. There are those who transgress where this becomes a material consideration. This is not by reference however to an IPPS. Such a move is counter-productive. A dead appliance is no use.

      Like

    2. Hi G,
      Having nightmares is a symptom of being traumatized. If your therapist or psychologist does not understand, I would look for one that understands trauma. Not all of them do. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. I feared for my life by an ex that stalked me for years and threatened my life verbally and physically (with a car). I ended up moving across country to get away. The nightmares take time and an understanding support system.
      Best to you and your healing journey.
      Indy

      Like

  11. The tHiNg may not come to my funeral, but I sure as hell will go to his!! Not to mourne, but to see for myself that it is actually true!
    What (if anything) would I put in his casket? A box. A black box perhaps. Full of the lovely memories.
    Clearly the box will be empty!!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hi HG,
    Your response, “interesting” is in reference to? Hope you are well this weekend (emotionally, not just in reference to your “rude” health 😉

    Indy

    Like

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