Why? How? Who?

HOW?

I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.

“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”

I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.

Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?

This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.

You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,

“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”

It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-

  • You must know what has happened and make sense of it
  • You want to make things right
  • You want the wonderful golden period again
All of this keeps you right besides us. Guess what? We dole out even more awful behaviour and it still does not make sense and you still do not go. We give you a glimpse of the golden period and your confusion increases. He does still love me I knew it. Then the door is slammed shut and you are left confused yet again but even worse this time, the brief return to the golden period has given you additional hope. You still do not go.
For once, rather than looking at it through your own eyes, consider it from our point of view. The devaluation does not come out of nowhere. It does to you but not to us. It happens because you are not giving us our fuel in the strength, quantity and frequency we demand. That is the logic behind our change in behaviour.
Why is it then that we are able to hurt you when we love you so much? Again, look at it through our eyes and the answer is straight forward. We never loved you. Accordingly, we are not affected by what appears (in your world) to be a hurtful and contradictory shift in our behaviour. Let me help you further. To us you are just an appliance. Initially because this appliance does what we want we look after it. We clean it, maintain it and take pride in it. Then it goes wrong. It is too much effort to try and repair it. We are horrible to you in order to make you work in a different way rather than trying to repair you to run as normal. Remember how people would slap the side of their television to make it work or give the washing machine a kick in the hope of causing it to run properly? You are just the same. You are an appliance and we give you a boot be it figurative or literal to make you provide us with fuel of a negative nature. We eventually get fed up that you are not working as we want you to so we chuck you on the scrap heap like so many discarded fridges, computers and washing machines. We have seen a new, shiny model which has attracted our attention instead.
So when you sit and wonder why this devaluation has happened, why our behaviour makes no sense and how can it be that someone who expresses such perfect love can be so hurtful, you know the answer. It makes no sense in your world but every sense in our world where you are just an appliance. Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?

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30 thoughts on “Why? How? Who?”

  1. The confusion really was the worst part. I cannot rest until I understand something. Literally cannot rest. It was repeated confusion from the start. It kept me awake while he slept like a baby. Stuck in ‘WTF just happened’ mode.
    Then after it was confusion as to why I was having panic attacks etc.
    I thank my lucky stars I finally got my C-PTSD diagnosis (only after I presented my research to the Dr.) And even more I thank my lucky stars I found Dr Tudor here (yep, honorary Dr of science now HG) without whom I have no idea where I’d be right now or even if I’d be here at all.
    Once again, sincere thanks HG.

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  2. Uau…..and I was talking to my car to make her feel like she could make it to the nearest gas station….
    You are missing something….human beings are far better than objects, they require much less manteinance, can do a lot more and are warmer.
    Why going to bed with a buzzing fridge..?

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  3. Wow, HG. The thought of comparing the act of slapping the side of a tv to an individual is pretty cold. It is extremely difficult to comprehend these types of analogies — speaking as an empath. Very cold…

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  4. it’s very difficult to detach ourselves enough from what’s happening to start really looking at it, and even then to understand it for what it is. It feels “off”, not “right”, it’s confusing and distorted and chaotic, and yes, illogical. When emotions are toyed with the logic brain shuts down. It requires a long look at the patterns, a refusal to make excuses for the narc, a strong grounding point (i know what i know – shut out what the narc tells you/told you the entire relationship, all the confusing stuff) and a long grieving process to free one’s self from a narc. It requires shutting them out of the thought process to prevent more gas lighting and confusion. At least for me it was. Warning that the more they lose power over you the more wounded they get and the more revenge they seek. The worst the abuse gets… because you’re essentially breaking free and discarding the narc little by little and so they will do anything to hurt you, especially if you have had enough to the point of hoover-proofing yourself.

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  5. Yes.
    However, there is a choice
    and when the narcs decide to rather be like that… he/she is choosing,
    it is not an inborn unchangeble behaviour.
    I did warned him.. i was his ” saviour” …
    So after all, now i will have NO MORE MERCY.

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  6. HG the narc I knew told me in a message he loved me and my initial reaction back to him said don’t you ever say that again. I have no idea why I said it, maybe there is something in my history but I was wondering how this would have made him feel? It sounds like it’s a ploy to get you to want them but it did not work. I think I knew what he was early on but did not want to admit it to myself and then realised I cannot help him as I wanted to. I said things like you need me more than I need you, no I will not fall out with my friend over you, your like a leech never leaving me alone, no I am not putting you back on my fb account, no I don’t want to be friends, I now think from your readings that I was a bad appliance. Do the narcs who are not in the know of what they are think we empathy are the evil ones? Thanks again HG informative article.

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  7. My narc husband hasn’t tried to Hoover me, although I moved out nearly three months ago. I guess he thinks he has already extracted everything he’ll ever get from me. He’s right about that.

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  8. You didn’t love me but I’m supposed to adore you?…crazy talk. That makes no logical sense from any viewpoint. Love puts the other person first. So that’s not love if it’s only one sided.

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  9. During the Holocaust the human appliances were used for slave labor, and when they were completely exhausted, their bones made combs, their hair made the mattresses, their bodies were used for medical experiments, and the rest that couldn’t be utilized in some way, was burned.
    It’s ironic, because your kind is the one without the soul, emptied out, so what remains is human flesh, blood and bones.

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  10. HG,

    Thank you for all the help and closure you are giving us. ❤ You’re invaluable! 

    I hope your legacy includes a daily syndicated TV show, a la Oprah: 
    “HG Tudor’s N.A.R.C show (Narc Assistance ‘Round the Clock”), or your own channel/network “Narc Planet”, when you finally are fuel self-sufficient. 

    You deserve to be rightfully recognised as the World Authority on narcissism as you’re helping thousands with your hindsight. 

    As for the detractors claiming you’re doing this for fuel gain, (clearly they should revisit FUEL).
    They can go for a long walk on a short pier!   

    Sure, you don’t do it from the goodness of your heart (no fault of yours), and…”frankly my Dear, I don’t give a damn!”…

    I’d be lost in a maze with no exit, on an endless guilt trip, if it were not for you. You’ve restored my sanity, opened my eyes and allowed me to move on, fully armed.That is priceless. 

    Pity, my comment will barely give you a drop of fuel. I only wish it could power you for a month. I’d send you one on the hour!

    I thank you for your time and personal answers. I hope therapy will help you stop seeing people as emotion dispensers and soon you’ll be free. ❤

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    1. I couldn’t agree with you more Ballerina! Mr. Tudor has given us an invaluable gift here. This knowledge has been life altering in the most positive way and I wish him the best outcome as well. As evil as he is I now have love for him for these precious and brutally honest lessons.

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      1. Hi Patricia,

        Thank you for echoing my sentiment.

        Since stumbling upon HG’s site, I feel there is “a before and after” in how I regard others and myself.

        HG’s posts are like infrared lenses, everything is so clear now.
        The truth hurts. But in return, he gives us our sanity back, knowing that “it wasn’t me, it was him!”

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  11. This was insightful and much needed. Understanding it from a logical point of view answers the questions. Sadly, the emotional, heartfelt part of you is hurting painfully. What to do?

    In your logical mind you see and know to run but frozen because it just makes no sense. What to do?

    Breaking the bonds of “love”, or the trauma bonds is difficult. Every once of your being wants that. It’s mind shattering to believe it’s so simple as being an appliance.

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  12. Sleep rape, that is the first time I have ever come across that phrase. I used to call my ex-boyfriend an Incubus or vampire. At least he was nice enough to tell me that I enjoyed it afterwards.

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  13. While I dislike the correlation between a human being associated as an appliance, the empath, at some point, should realize that they are not broken. Rather, it as a “User” error.

    The User expects/demands the appliance to perform tasks that it simply cannot handle because it was not designed for it (think of a microwave expected to wash clothes). The appliance is NOT broken, but it may need some repair after being misused for its unintended purpose by the User.

    Great news — the appliance can be fixed. Sadly, it is the User that clearly chooses to remain broken.

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  14. HG,
    Just came to me, do those of your kind find us empaths as strange or weird in the way we view life, love and a relationship? I guess what I mean is do you ever question-why did she say this or that or why does she react in this way or that way?
    This article brought this to mind,
    Thank you Sir 🙂

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    1. I do not because I understand how you act and think because I have made it my business to know this to enable me to function more effectively. As for others of our kind, the question will arise from time to time but invariably in a sense of irritation or frustration at you not doing or saying what is wanted or required.

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  15. Thank you HG-it makes perfect sense;albeit there must be very few who are of the Upper Elite status or as brilliant as you. Aren’t the majority of the narcs., just from the responses I read on this blog, of the mid-range school? They would not be intelligent enough to study empaths like those from your school do. Have you ever met another master elite like yourself? If so, did you like him?
    Thanks again,

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