If You Leave Me

 

IF YOU LEAVE ME

 

If you leave me I shall surely die and you cannot want that on your conscience can you? If you leave me now, everything that we have built up together will come crashing down around us. Why would you want to do that? Why destroy what we have. Yes, I know that things have not been as good between us lately, but it is not the time to focus on those few bad things but rather to remember what we had, what we have and to treasure that. We are meant to be together. We are bound together as one and I cannot allow you to leave and break what should be unbreakable. How could you countenance doing such a thing? We work so well together, have I not given you love that is beyond anything else you have ever experienced before? You said as such yourself. You have written about it so many times in those beautiful letters that you composed for me, a perfect partner to the expressions of love, passion and desire that I have spoken so many times to you. We have that perfect love, we have just lost our way a little, that is all. We can soon find it again, trust me. We found one another at the beginning didn’t we? Two lost souls who had both been hurt by others before, we saw enough in one another to trust one another with recounting those painful memories didn’t we? We were fated to meet. It was meant to be and if we were able to find ourselves amidst the fog of hurt and regret then surely we can find our way again now? I will do whatever is required to make you stay with me. I cannot let something this precious trickle through my fingers, not now, not after everything that we have said and done.

We have such plans for the future. We want to marry one another and raise a family. That desire cannot have evaporated overnight. No, I thought as much, I can see it in your eyes. Look at me and you will see a man who will be nothing more than a wretched soul if he was to lose you. You are everything to me, you are my north star, my guiding light, my sense of calm and serenity when all is chaos around us. I need you and you need me. We fit together so well. Everybody says that about us. What hope is there for the rest of the world if they see those icons of a perfect love torn asunder? Who will they look to for comfort and encouragement? We not only have an obligation towards one another but to them as well. There is too much darkness out there. Too much hurt, agony and cruelty and we can stand together and be that shining beacon of hope. Do it for me, do it for them, do it for us. Please, I am collapsing inside. The thought of never waking beside you ever again fills me with the most terrible dread. If you leave me, you will rip out the core of me and I will perish. There will be no purpose without you. Everything will become grey, ashen and dark. All colour will be drained from my world if you walk away now. Please do not do it. Please stay with me. I want you to be happy. I want to be happy. I want us to be happy together. There is so much we have not yet done, so many worlds to experience together, to conquer and rule. You are the one who sits at my left hand, my queen. Whatever is needed, just say the words and I will execute what is required but please, please, I am begging you, do not leave me. I love you.

If you leave me I shall ensure you die and believe me, it will not trouble my conscience. If you leave me now, everything that you know and cherish will come crashing down around you. Why would I want to do that? Why destroy what you have? Because you deserve it for your selfishness and your disdain towards me, after everything that I have done for you. Yes, I know that things have not been as good between us lately, but that is because you have not made the time to focus on me and you would rather forget what we had, what I gave you and to treasure me. We will always be together. You will not escape me. I will make it my sole mission in my life to ensure you never become free of me. We are bound together as one, you accepted that from the beginning and I cannot allow you to leave and break what I am entitled to. How could you countenance doing such a thing? How could you hurt the one who has done so much for you? I know how, because you are a fraud, a cruel temptress who swept me up and promised the earth and then delivered nothing. Oh wicked harridan, seditious slut and cruel crone you are. I worked so hard to bring us together, have I not given you love that is beyond anything else you have ever experienced before? You said as such yourself. You have written about it so many times in those beautiful letters that you composed for me, a perfect partner to the expressions of love, passion and desire that I have spoken so many times to you. Well understand this. I meant none of it. I have never loved you, you do not deserve my love, I will give it to someone who will appreciate it and give me what I want, but I will not let you rest. I will not let you walk away from me. You have a price to pay and you will keep on paying. I have created the perfect love and you have trodden all over it. If you try to leave I can soon find you again, trust me. My reach is far and wide. You have no idea of those who are waiting to help me and bring you down. I found you at the beginning didn’t I? That wasn’t me acting alone, I can promise you that. You a broken and lost soul who had been hurt by others before, I saw enough in you to endure you recounting those painful memories didn’t I? Oh I listened alright, storing all the details and I will use them against you now. I will scatter them to the four winds, posting and spreading details of your vulnerabilities far and wide. Not only those but all of the others I have collected whilst we have been together. Oh I have quite the collection and I will not hesitate to use them to destroy you. We were not fated to meet, I chose you. It was meant to be and I will find you again amidst the fog of hurt and regret that I will weave around you so you cannot see a way to escape. I will do whatever is required to make you stay with me. I cannot let something this precious trickle through my fingers, not now, not after everything that we have said and done.

I have such plans for the future. I want to marry another and raise a family and I will keep you updated as to that progress so you are tormented by what you could have had, but you chose to be selfish and leave. That malicious intent will not evaporate overnight, you do realise that don’t you? No, I thought as much, I can see the fear in your eyes. Look at me and you will see a man who will turn you into nothing more than a wretched shadow of your former self. I am everything to you, I will be the clouds which obscure your waystar, I will snuff out your light, I will eradicate any sense of calm and serenity by sowing chaos all around you. You need me more than ever. My machinations fit together so well. Everybody will know how treacherous you are if you dare to leave me. What hope is there for the rest of the world if they see this icon of perfection treated so unfairly? Who will they look to for leadership and brilliance? I not only have an obligation towards myself but to my supporters as well. There is much darkness out there for you, all created by me. Much hurt, agony and cruelty and my supporters will and can stand together and be that relentless machine that crushes you. Do it and see what happens. Please me or you will collapse inside. The thought of never sleeping properly again will fill you with dread because I will always be there, waiting and watching. If you leave me, I will rip your heart out and consume it. There will be no purpose left for you. Everything will become grey, ashen and dark. All colour will be drained from your world if you walk away now. Do not do it. Stay with me. I want you to be controlled. I want to control you. I want and I will get it. There is so much I have not yet done to you, so many worlds of yours to conquer and rule. You are the one who lies broken at my feet, my conquest. Whatever is needed, I will say the words and I will execute what is required to make your life a living hell but I am ordering you, you will not leave me. I hate you.

Which shall it be? The former? The latter? Perhaps both if really required.

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49 thoughts on “If You Leave Me”

  1. Hello HG,

    I was wondering about the narcissist’s attitude towards someone who “steals” their victim from them. I was dating a couple comprised of a lower-mid-level somatic woman with a strong victim streak and a carrier empath man who is capital C Codependent. I disentangled myself from the woman in fairly short order, but as the man and I became closer, she tried every trick in the book to break us up. That backfired (emphasis on the “fire”), and after a few rounds of hoovering failed and her smear campaign fizzled out, she’s gone full silent treatment on both of us. Hooray. There is an exception, though, which is that she recently did a 180 in her career track to enter the same very niche field that I am in, with the same area of specialization.

    I could care less about what she does with her life. Best of luck and all that. But this seems like a sign of revenge-driven obsession that I would prefer not to underestimate. Could you shed some light on how a narcissist deals with those who their victims leave them for, and what a thief like me might expect?

    Your advice is, as always, appreciated in the utmost.

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  2. it is over, but one of the last things he said was ‘ you’re a tough nut to crack’, then he told me a couple months later that i am tough. He did not break me, I am that kind of empath. And he is a mid lesser. Haven’t seen him since august…i’d like to think I am in the clear. It took a lot out of me, just the same. What does it mean, that I am a tough nut to crack?

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    1. I think he said it just to mess with you … probably doesn’t have any real significance. They pride themselves on having the last poignant word .. my narc would brag about the very last thing he said to his exes … and I’d be like ok ? Big deal … why the pride ? He could have left you with anything it’s that he left you with something was the point imho 🙂

      Don’t let him rent space in your head over it 💪🙏
      Be a strong nut lol xo

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  3. HG are you so frightened of meeting that horror within you that to be able to live you HAVE to extremely hurt innocent people? It’s difficult for a well person to understand as most of us surely would meet what’s going on and find a way out. Surely you cannot think that this thing inside can kill you. It’s unfathomable. You are obviously a very bright man and in the know but you cannot stop being horrible, extremely horrible. Do you currently have a partner?
    I thank you again for this as I can see how the narc used his child being taken by his ex when he was at work. He played me. That lady dogged a bullet but I know he continues to try and make her life hell. What a prat! Its funny he told me he looked after his child all the time as the mum had postnatal depression. Then they were gone when he got home from work? Alarm bells how can he care for the baby if he is at work? But you know what. I accepted his story and never questioned the discrepancies. Fell right into the narc trap. I am reaching the stage of hate but it is a new feeling to me as I have never really hated anything. Life so difficult at times.

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  4. “Required for what?! Satisfy your need for revenge of a supposed pain and betrayal you’ve been inflicted?
    That pain and anger were there before, I have nothing to do with it, you are punishing the wrong woman. Maybe because you are scared to face the true source of your frustration.
    Much easy and lots of fun to lash at someone who has no fault, someone weakened by her love for you. You like to win easy, don’t you?”

    I’d probably say something like that.
    Actually….I did and a lot more of ugly things.
    About 48 hours of constant mailing. Till I was eshausted and done….for that moment.

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  5. “If you leave me I shall surely die and you cannot want that on your conscience can you?”
    Couldn’t get past the opener on this article. Precisely what he said and then slit his wrists to prove it. Called me to tell me. Let me drive to his house screaming down the phone “speak to me! Oh God please don’t die” let me think he was dead by not speaking. He let me think he was dead!! That I had effectively killed him. He let me think that whilst driving like a maniac to try and save him. Of course he wasn’t dead but he had made a mess of himself and there was blood all over that I had to scrub because my son was due back there within an hour. Hiding blood soaked sheets, bandaging him up as best I could because he wouldn’t go to hospital, litterally having to scrub walls and floors of dried blood. All the time panicking my son would come back and see it. Couldn’t even ask to have my son dropped anywhere else because it was his birthday party and we needed to be at the venue. Yes he did this on such an important day. That figures now. He couldnt stand anyone else being the centre of attention. Not even an 8 year old kid.
    That was the day I became trapped. Chained to the bastard for another 3 years.
    Sorry for the rant. Just a huge trigger there.
    Will read the rest of the article when I’ve calmed down.

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    1. Karen,
      That must of been awful for you! HG has written about spoiled birthdays in so many of his books and articles but he was mostly referring to the IPPS; the fact that it was your son must of been horrifying for you. I hope you are out now.

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    2. Karen – that’s a terrible story – what a complete and utter twat!

      I hope this blog has taught you to not respond in a similar fashion now. This will sound harsh but let them get on with it – their intention is not to kill themselves but to utterly fuck you up. Let them do what they have to and ignore it.

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    3. Hi Karen,
      No need for apologies. Like others have said, this is the place to let it out. I am so sorry you went through this terrifying experience. Had he ever been hospitalized or ever cut previously? I am so glad you got out. Your poor son. Yes, special events that do not surround them are triggers for this awful behavior. Just imagining what you went through is traumatizing 🙁

      I understand the trigger, reading your story made me think of my ex-husband that faked a suicide attempt to stop me from divorcing him. My 9 year old son walked in with me to find him laying in bed with empty pill bottles everywhere, acting out of it. I called 911, terrified he was dying after he told me he took all these pills that could have killed him.The nurse at the ER told me he faked it, nothing in his stomach, not even residue (after making him drink charcoal and pumping it). They asked me if I wanted him committed to a mental hospital for observation or take him home. I had him committed. For a long time I debated, was he more borderline or just manipulative and recently I have questioned narcissism now that I have read HGs stuff. He didn’t do the same gas-lighting that my more recent ex did and the “golden period” was extended. However, there were things that now I look back, I see more signs. He stalked me and was oddly obsessed with me prior to our dating. Everyone thought it was sweet that he held a candle for me for years….I still do not know for sure.

      These battle scars, they teach us, though they are so hard sometimes to heal. Hugs and peace to you.
      Indy

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      1. Hi Indy, thank you. Yes he had self harmed previously but I wasn’t aware until after we split. I got in touch with his ex girlfriend as I was going mad with confusion (pre me realising what he actually was) and our stories were almost identical. She had balls though and let him get on with it. I wish I’d have done same but no use crying over spilt milk. He apparently did the same with his ex wife. I made him go to the Doctors the day after and he was prescibed anti depressants and given contact details for CRISIS. He neither took the pills or got in touch with the CRISIS team.
        Your stories sound horrendous. I’m sorry you had to go through all that.
        I’ve had 2 Narc relationships too. I’ve only just in this past week worked out that my son’s father is a narc. Different types as my son’s father is definitely a somatic. Even to this day he still believes he is God’s gift. He was a keen sportsman and won lots of awards including 3 England football caps. I found out when my son was 12 weeks old that he had been sleeping with his ex wife and got her pregnant. I left that night with nowhere to go and a new born baby in my arms. Crazy hey. He gaslighted repeatedly and really did make me think I was going crazy whilst I was with him. Called me crazy and paranoid when I called him out on numerous suspected affairs. In the end when I had actual evidence in front of me it was such a relief.
        However bad that story sounds though it was nothing compared to what my ex husband did to me psychologically. This one has really messed me up. Friends and family don’t understand how that is though as on paper, so to speak, my son’s Dad did far worse. I agree, I don’t really understand either. Other than the fact that I was (or felt) completely trapped this time. And this one was far more aggressive. He didn’t hit me but the aggression was there constantly hanging over me and making me live in fear.

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      2. Hi Karen,
        I am so sorry you went through all of that and that your son’s father is one as well. Do you still have to have contact with him? I am lucky that I do not have to have any contact with any of my exes. Very lucky. You are right, that psychological abuse is scary stuff and has a huge impact. I am still healing from that part. We made it through, we see now with clear eyes and are being supported by some amazing people here and learning from the best on how to spot them and side step them in the future!

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      3. Hi Indy, yes I still have contact as our son is 10. It has been very limited over the years though as we have set times for him having out son so pretty much he waits outside my house and son goes out to him.
        Funnily enough though when I split from ex husband he started to try and Hoover me. (We have been split for 10 years) He would call me with a ridiculous question or to ask something about our son that he could have asked our son when he next saw him. He’s also started texting too. ” I have grown up Karen and I no longer lie or disrespect anyone. I learned my lesson when I lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me” (i.e. me). hmmm you’re not disrespectful to anyone anymore? so you think sending that text to me is being respectful to your wife then? Lol. To be honest he just makes me roll my eyes. Nothing more. No fear. He’s a pussy cat compared to the ex husband who still fills me with fear.

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      4. I’m glad your sons father is not violent and is mainly annoying. The ex husband that fills you with fear, does he know where you are? Does he still look for you? I hope not. Fingers crossed and sending safety/healing vibes your way ❤️

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      5. Morning Indy, yes he knows where I am and yes he still fills me with fear. I still can’t bring myself to go to the supermarket on my own I have to take my dad with me (I’m 45!) I have been doing a bit more on my own lately though and that is thanks to HG and you lovely readers.
        Since he acquired his new victim he has been quiet except for a couple of weeks ago when I got a phonecall saying “I’m still watching you etc” the number was traced back to a website that you can pay to make a prank call. He knows he will be arrested straight away if he contacts me directly so that was his new way. It scared the hell out of me in honesty. I don’t think he actually wants anything to do with me anymore but he still likes to make sure he’s in my head.
        He also had 2 letters delivered to my house confirming his new address (the new gf’s) the letters said “As requested here is the confirmation of your new address to your old address” not something that generally happens! Your new address is where you have correspondence sent. There is no logic in sending a copy to the old address other than a narcs logic of wanting me to know he’s now living with his ‘ new and improved family’.
        It does have an affect on me in that he does keep putting himself back in my head. I hate it. The flash backs and intrusive thoughts are back, although not as often as they were. I honestly think he will make sure he’s in my head forever.
        Thank you for asking Indy and I hope you’re having a lovely day.

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      6. Oh Karen, I am so sorry. Reading your description of going to the store triggered a memory of mine and brought tears. Not sure if I shared this with you or someone else here but my father also went to the store with me too, for four years until I escaped from him stalking me ( back in my 19-22 years, a different narc, a lesser type, my first boyfriend from high school ). He was my son’s father. I escaped by leaving that small town I was from and moving hours away in another state with no one knowing where except my parents. Even my best friends didn’t know. When I finally went to the grocery store for the first time alone, I cried. I felt free for the first time in years. I raised my son without his presence that god. I know that pain, I’m hoping he leaves your life soon. Thank goodness for your dad. There is no shame in having protection, none at all. Are you able to move to a place he doesn’t know? Wishing you safety and peace this lovely weekend ❤️Hugs

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      7. Indy how awful for you! I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you and at such a young age with a baby in tow. Poor you! And I am so sorry my story triggered you! It goes to show what a lasting effect they have on us.
        No I can’t move. My family are here and my Mum is terminally ill so I wouldn’t leave. Also my son’s dad and his family are here too. It wouldn’t be fair on my son. I honestly don’t think I would feel safe anywhere anyway. I would always be looking over my shoulder as I know if he decided to find me, he would. To be fair, I don’t think he has any intention of stalking me. I think he’s probably still in the gp with the new one. I think he just likes to remind me he’s still around. keep himself firmly in my head. He believes I’m far stronger than what I actually am. He thinks I just abandoned him without a care and got on with my life as if he didn’t exist. That’s what injures him still. Little does he know! Lol. But he will never know what he’s done to me. Very few people will.
        I understand the freedom, a couple of months ago I plucked up the courage to do a 40 mile cycle on my own (cycling is my thing) I also cried! And I had a huge smile on my face all the way. I was talking to the wild rabbits and birds all the way round having little conversations with them lol I know, I know, I’m a hippy and a little bit crazy but I loved it. That first time back out on my bike was exhilarating. As is anything ‘new’ I manage to do. If I manage to meet friends in town it’s such an amazing feeling that I’ve conquered something on my own.
        Thanks Indy and I really hope you find the peace you deserve. Xx

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      8. Oh, I am so glad you were able to take that ride!! Cycling used to be something I loved. Havent in a while as the roads in Atlanta are not really as safe as they were in Vermont and Mass. It’s like flying. Yessss….that freedom. I am kind of a hippy at heart, though one would not know looking at me 😉

        Oh, no worries about “triggering”. I actually have some views on being “triggered”…I think for me it is a good thing, it is like exposure therapy as I seek to expose myself to the trigger rather than escape and remind myself I am safe. It is part of the healing process, to get through those triggers safely. I am totally safe so no worries! I am stronger for what I survived and grateful. It allows me to be there for not only myself but others too.

        You are definitely strong, you survived and made it here. I am so sorry about your mother. I hope her journey is as pain free as possible and that it gives you both time to be together in a deep way…I had two years with my mom with me (She had nonhodgekins). Those years allowed me to forgive my childhood, see the beauty she was, though I would never wish this end on anyone. (hugs)
        I understand the value of family and your need to stay there. Sending you a light of safety in my mind~~
        All the peace and safety to you….Hugssss
        Indy

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      9. Hi Indy, I’m sorry to hear about your Mum 😕 mine has Pulmonary Fibrosis and I think the end is near. I’m trying to focus on spending as much time with her as I can reminiscing with her and laughing at memories rather than thinking about the inevitable. I’m grateful for every day she’s with us 😊
        I like your view on triggers. Facing them. That’s what I’m working on at the moment too though sometimes it’s like 1 step forward 2 back lol but that’s ok. I think about where I started from and I’m progressing nicely 😊
        I think we may be quite similar on the hippy front. I used to be very spiritual and I was into crystals and healing etc. I’m trained to do reflexology and massage and I have reiki 2. I seem to have lost my spirituality though and try as I might I cannot just ‘magic’ my beliefs back. I’ve just picked up ‘Conversations with God’ by Neale D Walsh again though. One of my top 10 all time favourite books. I’m hoping it brings some sense back to everything that’s going on.
        Hope you’re well 😊

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      10. Hi Karen,
        I am glad you have this time with her, these are precious (and hard) moments. I would never give up those years I had with my mother.

        I have wanted to learn more about Reiki practice! I have been to one practitioner and bought a candle with “Reiki energy” in it (though I must admit I was quite skeptical). I have several crystals and stones too. I got them to protect my home from my last ex’s hoovers. I also smudged my home. Oh, my, I love massage and reflexology (receiving it)! It helped me so much with healing my body and just to relax. I go in phases of being “connected” to something larger and then being disconnected. I think I am getting back to feeling connected, though I am quite cautious and skeptical of those spiritualists. I am kind of a lone witch without a coven (I am not wiccan though I appreciate it). Since leaving the Church as a young adult, I never really felt comfortable following a spiritual leader. So many predators in the spiritual circles too, thus I go alone.
        Let me know how this book is! One of my favorite spiritual books was Celestine Prophesies. I also dug Carolos Castaneda’s Teachings of Don Juan.

        Do not worry too much about “magicking” your spirituality back. It will come. Like butterflies. The less you try, the more likely it will settle back with you.

        Be well! 🙂

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      11. Hi Indy, I’ve read Celestine Prophecy lots of times. It’s a good read. I like all of his books. Coversations with God (part one) resonated with me on so many levels. I’ve read it probably about 20 times. Do I believe it happened as the author told it? I’m not so sure but it doesn’t really matter as it is full of wisdom and that’s what I took from it 😊 I’m a sceptic too believe it or not. I’m certainly not a sheep and I follow my own path, though I’m facing a brick wall at the mo lol. I have a lot of Wiccan and Pagan friends. I dont follow either though I fully respect their way of life.
        You should try a reiki session. You might like it. Keep an open mind and see what, if anything, happens 😊

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  6. K1303,
    Wow what a traumatic story. He must have been really low on fuel to cut himself. Then jealous of attention going to your son. I’m glad you eventually got out. Rant all you want. This is the best place to do it. Everyone here lived it and survived it just like you. It helps to know you weren’t the only one that had to put up with that. Deep cleansing breathe and regroup after reliving that trauma. I wish you a peaceful mind and a calm spirit.

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    1. Hi ABB, thank you for your kind words. I’ve had a couple of days away from this blog and I’m doing ok again 😊 The flash backs have started again but I know they’ll dim again. I need to stay away from triggers really. It didn’t help that I’ve heard nothing from him for 3 months and then I got a prank call from an unknown number saying “I’m still watching you and I can see you all the time” etc. The number traced back to a website you can pay to make a prank phonecall. Disgusting but true. I know it as him that set it up. He isn’t allowed to contact me or he will be arrested so this was his way of making sure he is still firmly in my head!

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  7. Karen1303, your story is very, very hard . They have a very deep need to get all the attention, meaningless how much they destroy around them. It is all about them. It is hard to accept. I really hope, you got out and are on your way to heal. They do not deserve anyone of us. They are what they are : a pumped up nothing. Three more years of wasted live energy for someone who is not able to take responsibility, to love and to care. If someone is so broken and damaged like a narc, it is not possible for us to heal the defect. We gave them all the love, we ourselves needed too and they did not respect anything of that. We should have given that love to ourselves. We deserve it. We care, we love, we live. .

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    1. Hi Mona, thank you. Yes I am out now. Have been for 6 months now.
      I’m well on my way to healing and now have a lot more good days than bad 😊

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  8. Great again HG!
    When you state: “so many worlds of yours to conquer and rule.” are you referring to the fact that the victim is leaving before the time frame of the devaluation is complete? I can’t imagine anyone would leave during the GP especially with you!
    Awesome writing!

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  9. Karen 1303 well done on getting out. I thought I just saw the narc I knew not that long ago. I know I am strong but I instantly was oh my god is it him, it wasn’t but a great reminder for me to not fall under the tear spell again. Keep strong

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  10. Once you accept the nature of the beast 🌹

    I see only the hopelessness now of being with a narcissist…..this is my second narc in less than 10 years.
    I used be obsessed trying to find answers in relationship how to’s,books, webinars, online courses, always researching on how to improve our relationship improve myself be a better partner ( not that I always took the advice) with both narcs for 6 over years. Couples therapy Lol .Thinking the problem was alcohol related and if only he’d stop drinking if I stopped drinking. Going to Al Anon. Biting my tongue, or not biting my tongue. Defending myself !! …I would defend myself for days at time to him…. thinking if I just said it the right way he would understand….NOTHING I did changed the situation even in the slightest.
    I see all this wasted time, money, energy… HG has stripped my wizard of all his magic… I have pulled back the curtain and there is no man behind the smoke and mirrors, only a petulant little boy with pointy teeth and a penchant for trantrums and torture.

    I’m angry I’m sad I’m want to scream with my head back and scream until I have no voice !!!

    All the things they took from me !! That I allowed to be taken !!! How they levelled their weapons at me and pulled the trigger and that’s the difference between them and us we might level the weapon but we rarely pull the trigger. They WILL pull the trigger don’t ever think he won’t because he will oh yes he will and he will be smiling as he executes his revenge …my broken bones, my loss of freedom, my public character assassination are evidence he will do it !! He once threw me off a boat in the middle of a huge body of water and drove away …I swear he only came back because another boat came out. I believe he would have let me drown. He’s never said sorry for anything he won’t even acknowledge that he did any of those things. I know he would gladly do it all again.

    I’m disgusted and disappointed in myself for putting up with such outrageous viscous abuse that I put my children in harms way. Perhaps I will forgive myself some day but today I feel anger.

    Now that I know the nature of the beast, I know who and what he is, the answers are clear and concise.. the steps I need to take all laid out before me. .. I know what I have to do … one step at a time. I will be free.

    HG and Sam V have given me the tools to save my life.

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  11. OMG is like i am listening to him.
    He says a lot the very same things.
    HG are narcs…. ohhh .. so similar?
    I am starting to think that you are him.

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  12. I’m sitting in a cafe and reading the comments while Chicago is singing the song. My goodness. Very emotional. Hugs to all. ❤

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    1. I know, the pain that our collective group has endured (including the creator, HG) is sometimes too much, it makes me want to just scream or cry at the world. Today, I was reminded, though, that there are good people, people with souls. I need those regular reminders because it is so easy to loose hope in humanity. I will not loose it, I swear!!
      Hugsssss

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      1. Big Hoog back at you Indy. There is a great deal of beauty and love in this world. You just have to shut off the noise. I had a very interesting therapy session. I closed my eyes as my therapist talked about anger hate destruction war. I noticed my breathing becoming more labored and my heart beating in my throat. Then he began talking about love beauty happiness joy. My heart stopped pounding, I began to smile and I felt calm and at peace. Those were just words but they caused such physiological reactions.

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      2. Hoooog, Love! I am so proud of you for taking this journey and it is an honor to hear about it. It is so important to be aware of our bodies during our emotional experiences. Yes, just words! Imagine how much more we go through with real life experiences of all the emotions! This is like emotion mindfulness exercises that I would lead in groups with the teens. I miss them so. I remember the first time I learned my own reactions, everything was in my throat at first….all of it. It made sense as I tended to stop communicating when emotional (something I learned not to do as a child, express my emotions)…So, I had to unblock that.

        You can give yourself this experience of love anytime you want (sometimes and some emotions are harder than others). But, if you can do this (slowed heart rate and warmth in chest and relax) enough, through practice you can do this during stressful times too. It is hard, I am still working on it. It will be a life time for me. That is why it is called mindfulness practice 🙂

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