The Narcissistic Truths – No. 245

ON THE SHELFYOU GO

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81 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 245”

      1. I was shelved consistently for 6 weeks to two months after each time he saw me. During my shelf time I would obsess over all the things I could’ve done to drive him away. I must not be pretty enough, I must not be thin enough, maybe the sex isn’t good enough, maybe I should get blowjob lessons, I wonder if my vagina is loose, maybe I’m not smart or interesting enough…it was maddening. I had no idea it had nothing to do with me. It was hell.

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      1. Getting dumped and then finding HG! I was in it for the long haul intent on re-traumatizing myself for as long as it took. Sorry, I wish my answers were more encouraging, Hurt. It’s just not a pretty story.

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      1. abw and 12345

        I ditto your comment abwing…
        really brave of you 12345 ..thankyou for sharing.. for being honest and validating others who have those feelings..for voicing them out loud.
        It is generous spirited of you.
        You helped others know they are not alone.

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  1. I’ve admitted my addiction; I’ve called you out foolishly, as you’ve heard it all before; I’ve pretended indifference which falsity is laid bare by the fact that I’m here. I was hooked from the first audio; bought ten of your books and discovered your blog. When is it enough?

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  2. And this is why you get wounded to see us doing well? Cause we said, Fuck that Shelf? And went on with life?

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    1. @sarabella. Oh how I love what you have just said. The place we are all striving to get to. One breath at a time.

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    1. oh gosh, the scrap book hahahah….
      HG, have you casually left the scrap book out with your current main squeeze yet? Are you still using it? Is she in it?

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      1. I am so curious on what features you honed in on and whether she has found it. ….I guess I will have to wait for the book on the Asylum of the Grotesque. Speaking of which, when is your next book planned to be released?

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      2. As soon as I am able to finish them is the accurate albeit unhelpful response. I have a lot of travelling going on this month. I intend to conclude several of them shortly, they are not far from completion.

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      3. I know you must get this question multiple times a day. I understand…and eyes peeled.

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      4. What body part of hers is in the scrapbook you evil monster? Pls tell me it’s a smiling, clothed pic of herπŸ™

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  3. Hey when are you gonna’ start the youtubes again? I miss laying down and listening your story telling voice to bed 😐

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      1. Speaking of your voice HG…when I found you I decided how you looked from your writing. I do the same thing when I hear people’s voices on the phone or learn their personality without having seen them. They must have red hair, green eyes, fragile build, delicate features…that type of thing. I knew you had blond hair from one of your posts. Then I listened to my first HG Youtube video. I thought you were a baritone but realized you are a bass. Beautiful voice. Then I thought, this can’t be, he must be more of a Cary Grant type. So I have an idea. You can post a picture of yourself so that none of us will wonder! Yes?

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  4. Little L
    All correct and “true” from the narcissist’s point of view…but from the empath’s…I don’t know, I talk about my experience of course. I mean, all this “love”….didn’t really feel like it. It was more emotions and feelings, yes true but given out to reach something that…wasn’t there. So the deep love connection hasn’t really happened. He was concentrated solely on fuel. Fuel is not love…not even close.
    That’s where this concrete sensation of not knowing him comes from.
    If you love someone, you “know” him, you hold his soul, you bathe in it…this never happened with him. It was more like stretching myself to reach him, to get a hold of him completly. When he was telling me about his “love” I couldn’t feel it the way it is supposed to. He knew how to make me react but merely reacting to him was leaving me empty.
    Therefore the confusion and disappointment. The unhappiness, the loneliness. A broken doll, precisely.

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    1. I love how he once said to me that I was the disappointment. That there was no hope for me. But the truth is, he was speaking of himself. I wonder who also had spoken those words to him? I realized one day as you just said Giulia, he knew how to “work love” but he didn’t know what love is or half of what happened between us would not have happened. It just wouldn’t have been possible.

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      1. Who could have called him a disappointment? All the women before you, after you and in between.

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      2. I was told that all my future relationships will fail because I have too many flaws

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      3. Yup. He used to say things like that but as I learned how he parrots, I realized they were words used on him, that wounded him, so he appropriated them in his own arsenal.

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  5. I call it
    ‘doll in a cupboard’…
    And I used the phrase accordingly..
    then I became constantly unavailable and irritatingly unco-operative.

    “Put your toy down, its the naughty step for you,” are my thoughts on it now during no contact.
    πŸ›‘β™› …. β˜› King down.

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    1. I learned recently that my sister, when she as younger, responded to my dad when my narc mother was doing her ‘thing’ that she is not a toy to be picked up and played with just when she is bored. Yeah. Wish my father and sister had shared this awareness. I was so lost in empath INFJ dream land trying to survive, it never occured to me that half of what I was trying to survive was abnormal in itself. Always thought it was me and my fault….

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  6. Long distance DLS here. Back on the shelf for going on 2 months now. I was taken down for a fleeting moment and was wished a “Happy Birthday” before being put back on the shelf and then stumbling upon HG’s blog.

    So far it’s been silent while he plays with his primary toy (wife) and likely other toys. I still wonder if the inevitable Hoover will come. More so to apply what I’ve learned here now that I know what he is.

    For now I’m on the shelf. And trying to get on with my life.

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  7. Do you have a league table of fuel?
    Like 10/10 for a 3 hour argument,
    Im curious as to where sympathy rates on the league table?

    Do you remember the approximate age you were when you first started calling it fuel?
    The period in your life when you were learning about yourself is interesting.

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  8. I told JN once that I felt like his Genie in a Bottle. He only opened the lid when he felt like it. His reply was “Exactly.”

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    1. He tried to do that with me. And I kept saying, nope, you opened this lid, now it is your responsibility to keep it open. He said no. That is the origins of all our fights. Then we fought over who controled which one of us would slam the lid down for good. We kept one upping each other. How insane is that all?

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      1. After reading this I feel so much better. Other people out there have lived through this insanity; I am not alone!

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      2. Oh yes, similar battles, round and round. It is insane. Hence why I was a hot mess for a time. Lol

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      3. I wonder how his life is now? He has no one like me and never will who will take him on on the level I did. Its something I sensed but also something someone observed of our dynamics, not having met him or me in person, but knowing us both via social media and she is observant. He liked the fighting. Not just for fuel, but he liked it. The realness of it. And this is the part where HG talks about positive fuel is great, but there is always a deep need for negative fuel. And I gave tons. The reason they need this negative fuel so deeply is that they know this reflects the depths of our love. Real love. They know that since they dole out positive compliments and charm with ease, anyone else returning similar charm and positive fuel will always be suspect as they know it so easy to dispense and spread around. But to find someone who cares that much to go through so much…. we are rare. Maybe stupid, but rare nonetheless. Anyone can find someone to sell themselves out. We do but we don’t. Not those of us that fought back and I don’t mean physically. Even if it took me to unhealthy places, I see now, as I look back at it, that even in my most unhealthy hot mess states, I was healthier than I ever gave myself credit for. And some people, not even narcs, live very shallow superficial lives. Lots of those around. But me… lol, he is never going to find someone like me. In many ways, we were a dead match for each other.

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      4. I understand where you are coming from. They bring you to a level of such desperation, and you are fighting FOR them (to get the golden period back) and not at them.
        And Nikita… No Ma’am am I a “pain in the ass” because I happened to unknowingly give negative fuel. That was a harsh observation.

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      5. That is one I don’t get. He told me to atop fighting for him. I never was. I was not fighting for him. I was fighting for Truth. The Truth. Because it was the lack of Truth that caused this all. And in a backwards way, I guess that could be seen as fighting for him. I just wanted him to come clean. To own up. And I can guarantee he started the name calling and verbal abuse. 100% was him. But as HG wrote about, it was all on purpose that it would not make sense. It was all designed that way on purpose. No way was it stupidity. But that he could do all that and still want to blame the failed friendship on me… oh, but that was intentional, too.

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      6. Yes, the fighting is for truth seeking, getting accountability acknowledged, and for me, him saying I had to prove myself to him. All of that blurs the lines for me in that all of was me fighting for him, to prove who’s being honest, who has authentic feelings, who’s fabricating lies, etc. But he’s definitely staying away more and longer now. It is finally waning. I can see the difference. And real closure never happened.

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      7. Yes, he worked that card. Women needed to being their A game to his relationships. All it was was a manipulation as he brought a D- game. All of it was one more angle to make you feel what you do isn’t enough. A card played on your subconscious to get you to fight for them. Or maybe fight WITH them? Evil.

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      8. Sarabella,
        Your second post about the negative fuel….I echo it nearly word for word with what I dealt with. When I was loving with him he began avoiding me. Claiming he was too busy with work to talk. When things got dramatic or tense he was like an ant on a sugar cube. Never too busy to argue. And he did it so nicely and charmingly. He loved that negative fuel.

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      9. Yes! And then claim I was wanting to fight. Pleaseeee. In the end, it all caused rage and fury. I am loving.
        Rage. I fight. Rage. But then I noticed he always had more time to fight and create negative fuel than to ever meet me halfway or be loving again. And all the while pretending to be innocent.

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      10. Agreed! My best friend witnessed many a time we would fight because he would blow up my phone at work. She would even agree that it was like he would resurface and be nice but repeat the same patterns to get to the fighting part.

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      11. Yes, I tried a number of times to reach out and all he wanted to do was set me up to react. Once he had decided that he was deeply wounded by me, never mind what he had done to me, he was right in his wounds to do whatever he wanted to do, say whatever, act however. All his ‘niceness’ and whoever he had once pretended to be had entirely evaporated. It was not his true nature, so there was no going back to that. It wasn’t even a case of having a bad day and or moment and then being willing to give a bit, back down, value what you were at risk of losing. Yes, he wanted the dynamic that way. So he could feel in control and feel like he was calling all the shots. And each time, he eroded the love and admiration I had for him bits at a time. I am not the only one so I guess it was never truly personal. Though it wsa deeply personal.

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      12. Sarabella,

        Have you read HG’s Supernova? I think you might find a answer or two there. I closed “the lid” myself after this article alone…. paridgm shift!

        Ell

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    2. nikitalondon,

      Oh, he had all the positive he could have ever wanted. From me, from many others. He converted it entirely into a very negative experience. He never hangs on to anyone and thats from the mouth of someone who has known him for over 4 decades. But there is a cultural and social aspect to this particular story, where I can guarantee that women (and men) will pump out lots and lots of fake positive fuel because it comes down to everyone’s survival. Imagine being a narc and knowing that most of your supply is playing you, too? No one ever getting deep or real and everyone looking to scam everyone. Yah, he had the real thing with me, but didn’t want it. That’s his perogative and choice and I now respect him for that. My failure to do that caused alot of problems. But he also knew exactly what he was doing when he provoked and played his games…. how else could it have ended? Remember? The game is won before it’s even been played. It could not have ended any other way. He did this to me at the beginnign of my life (I was 14) and he did it again. The joke was entirely on me. As he said. What did he really expect? Admiration? The Original Love he was offered? No, negative is what he wanted, that’s what he got.

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      1. Your comment its lots of words but not to the point of my comment. So for matters of speaking the truth and not confusing the readers I have a summary.
        β€’ Negative fuel like calling names, endless draining discussions, mean words, screams is NOT LOVE.
        β€’ Nobody from deep their hearts desires negative fuel. Is this is the case there is something wrong and there is some healing to be made.
        β€’Relationships that flow negative fuel are unhealthy and have to be abandoned for anotherone that promotes, healing, inner peace , love and selflove.

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      2. Oh, I got you alright. My point was that he had the love but he set up such a labryinth, that one ends up fighting one’s way out. And that is the negative fuel HE got. He had my love. My attention. My efforts. And he converted it all into fuel for himself. And as HG has pointed out endlessly, until you get the machinations, the deliberate nature, you won’t get you were a frog slowly boiled alive. You just start slowly reacting until you are pulled so far from your center and from the loving place you came from. No, responding to abuse with abuse isn’t love. But that kind of responsive abuse, for lack of any other word, is a defense. A verbal and psychological effort to defend one’s self. And yes, HG has provided lots of missing pieces and I have abandoned him. I never in a million years thought someone could so cruelly and with such malice do what he did to someone twice. My misplaced trust that someone would not do that again is and was part of the problem.

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  9. I was there for so long .. that he forgot me.. then when he started looking I was GONE 🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣
    Today no where to be found!!!

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  10. “No one puts Baby in the corner!”
    …or the shelf! I have not been a shelf, knowingly. Always the primary, never the secondary or dirty secret. At least as far as I know…**hmm**

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    1. In a past phone conversation, the N received a call from his (“horrible, abusive” pregnant) IPPS. Then said :”I have to get this call. She is cleaning the house..maybe something happened to her, maybe (and I quote) she fell off the shelf”

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      1. OMG!!! Wow!
        And to think I thought my cerebral narc was funny when he said to me once, “I love you Gabrielle, my feelings for you are real, you are not an oddity that I pander to for amusement…”

        Even when they lie to us they’re always telling the truth aren’t they?

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      2. Exactly. His “truths” were often preceded by the word “I don’t”. For example: “I DON’T think about her, I don’t see her as a woman”. “I DON’T enjoy seeing her cry, because I DON’T have a big ego- I’m not one of these obnoxious hurtful guys, obviously”. I DON’T do it to punish you.

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      3. In my love-bombed confusion, I found it endearing at the time: “what an imaginative man, a poet of sorts, using imaginative wording: how can a person fall from a ..shelf?
        Now I know better.

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      4. So easy to dismiss such things when in the gooey love bombing phase. Glad to hear you are reading, growing and learning πŸ™‚ It is a process, for sure! Not sure if I will ever fully graduate in knowledge on how to manage manipulative relationships, but I am definitely healing and getting my defenses and tools πŸ™‚ Not everyone makes it here, sadly.

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      5. My N’s go to “Don’ts”

        “I don’t want you to feel this way.”
        “I don’t want you to go though this.”
        “I don’t want you to be this hurt.”

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  11. HG,
    How about weΒ put your “narc self” on the shelf? Say you’re fueled to the max and can go applause (and abuse) free for 48 hrs.
    Who would do you spend time with (men, women) because you genuinely ‘like’ them and what would you do?Β 
    (No, no, no.. spending your time with “us” here is not an option!)
    Thank youΒ 

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      1. Now I wonder. Does it mean:
        1. There really is nobody’s company you genuinely enjoy (Amanda”s fantasy excluded), or
        2. Yes, there is but you would want to dedicate that peaceful time to writing.
        Thank you in advance.

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  12. I’m actually thankful for the shelf experience—-this plus the gas lighting —-triggered my super empath (thanks HG). I am empowered now with control in my situation, and now am deciding soon whether enough is enough (again, thanks HG). This blog might’ve saved my life.

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