Getting Away With It (And What To Do)



There are many things that we do (and do not do) which cause you to feel upset, angry, fearful and frustrated. One of those things that I regularly witness is the fact that we appear to always get away with it. We come up trumps. We emerge smelling of roses. We ride off into the sunset without seemingly a care about anything. You meanwhile are left to pick up the pieces, put your life back together and wonder what the hell has just happened. We seem to be able to get away with doling out reprehensible behaviour, often with no comeback or repercussion. We leave you in the dust and swan off with a new prospect, full of smiles and Facebook picture postings of us and our new appliance. We are still liked and lauded by our friends, even some of your friends may still want to have something to do with us. Our family are unfazed by what has gone on. Those that we work with listen to what has happened but do not alter in the way that they behave with us. We go on with our lives as if nothing has happened. You appear to be forgotten about. Certainly the way we have treated you is regarded as if it never ever happened. We always seem to be heading onwards and upwards. We always appear to be winning. We are getting away with it. Why is this?

  1. It is the way we have been created. We are not designed for musing on the past, ruminating on what has gone before and reflecting on the things that have happened. Old fuel is no good to us. We need to keep moving forward in order to locate and absorb our next fix of fuel. This programming results in us always moving forward and in so doing we do not cast a backwards glance.
  2. We are untroubled by remorse, guilt or conscience. We do not care and therefore unlike somebody normal who would show upset, embarrassment and sorrow at our such behaviour we do not. We are able to shrug it off and continue irrespective.
  3. We are never accountable. Everything is your fault. Having such a mind set makes it far easier for us to move on with what we need to do. Indeed, not only are we not burdened by the concept of having some form of culpability for what has happened, but we are helped by the notion that you brought it about, you were the traitor and therefore we are entirely justified in doing what we do. We have a right to move on and find someone else.
  4. We are entitled. Our huge sense of entitlement justifies to us that whatever we do is correct. This further adds to our sense of always being right and therefore that even if we felt remorse, we have no need to do so. It is a double whammy.
  5. Our charm and seduction means that it is easy for us to find somebody else who will fall for us. We rarely find ourselves cut adrift in a howling wilderness, devoid of emotional attention and lacking fuel. We ensure we have a replacement source of primary fuel lined up. We focus on this new person and channel all our effort to embedding them as our primary source of fuel.
  6. The façade. We create a façade from our family, friends and colleagues and this is very hard for you to shatter, especially in the state that you are when you have been discarded. This façade gives the impression that everybody accepts and agrees with us and not you.
  7. Deletion. Following your discard, we effectively forget about you unless you keep appearing in our spheres of influence. This ability to jettison you so dramatically enables us to keep moving forward. We to all intents and purposes forget about you.
  8. We are experts at fakery and conning. This means that we often manage to worm our way out of situations involving the authorities and law enforcement. We point the finger of blame at you instead, we appear calm and reasonable (contrasting with how you present yourselves as) and so few people know what we are and even fewer understand it, that we are able to wriggle away from such difficult situations with ease.
  9. We are brilliant at portraying that our life is marvellous. We are the masters at presentation, after all, did we not weave an incredible illusion that conned you when we first seduced you? We give the appearance of being incredibly happy with our new partner, that our life is going well, that we are loved and adored by so many. This positioning and projection of our apparent circumstances to the world creates the appearance that we continue to get away with it.
  10. There are rarely repercussions. Our victims are not in a position to do anything to achieve revenge over us. This is for several reasons. First of all, most of our victims have no idea what they have just encountered and therefore are unable to challenge something they do not know about or understand. Secondly, our victims find themselves exhausted and worn down, they just do not have the resources to fight back. Thirdly, as a consequence of the way we manipulate you, you are left still loving us and wanting us and therefore your thoughts are aimed at winning us back and not at securing some kind of retribution or revenge.

Thus the totality of these characteristics and situations combines to give the impression that we are always winning and thus that we are always getting away with it. But are we? How can you deal with this apparent state of affairs which only serves to upset you, frustrate you and anger you? Turning to each of the above points in turn.

  1. Understand this is the way that we are. There is nothing you can do about it and since this is the way we are; it is not your fault. We have to do this. You do not. Who is the winner now?
  2. The fact we have no conscience or sense of remorse is just how we are. Again you cannot affect that. Do not waste your time and energy appealing to something that is not there.
  3. We regard ourselves as unaccountable. That is our outlook. Does that mean that we are right about that? From your perspective we are not. You ought to content yourself with your perspective. Do not think that you can do anything to change our perspective. Leave us to it and maintain your own perspective and stand by it.
  4. Our sense of entitlement is based on our perspective once again. You do not have to accept that.
  5. The fact that we entrap someone else should come as no surprise to you. Remind yourself that the basis we ensnared you is exactly the basis on which they have been ensnared. We have not “won” the heart of that person fairly. We have done so through deceit. We have cheated in order to create the appearance of winning.
  6. Those who form the façade have been subjected to our charm and lies for a significant period of time, on the whole. You are unlikely to be able to change their views and certainly not if you appear frazzled and hysterical. Why do you need those people to know the truth? You do not. Perhaps in time you will be able to set it out for them and let them reach their own conclusion but if they remain ensconced in our illusion that is a matter for them and is not your concern. You got out.
  7. The deletion may feel harsh. Again it is our methodology and there is no need to trouble yourself with it. Instead, you ought to be focused on deleting us from your life.
  8. Bide your time, acquire the evidence and present it when the dust has settled. We took you by surprise when we seduced you, we came out of nowhere. If you have a desire to see us held to account by the powers that be, wait and present the best evidence you have in a rational fashion and leave the rest to the relevant authority. If it works, you can celebrate. If we wriggle out of responsibility do not be dismayed, just regard it as further confirmation of just how easy it is for people to be conned by our kind and be thankful you now know about it and you are moving on.
  9. You have finally understood that we dragged you into an illusion. All that we are doing is maintaining that illusion to the rest of the world. It is not your role to keep applying a pin to burst that illusion. Other people must work it out for themselves. Remember that what we are showing the world is just more of the illusion and you know now the truth.
  10. It is not your position to exact retribution at this stage. You must look to yourself and to your own defences. If revenge is to be applied, it must come later and in accordance with the methodology which works which I have set out elsewhere otherwise it will fail. You may draw greater satisfaction from progressing your own life, rather than dwelling on “getting even” because exhibiting your contentment without us, when we do eventually consider you and notice, irritates us considerably. Even worse is when you ignore us.

It is evident that we do move on without concerns and therefore give the appearance of always winning and always getting away with it.

The key for you to remember is this.

It is an appearance.

74 thoughts on “Getting Away With It (And What To Do)

  1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Oh no no noooo…

    He doesn’t get to get away with it.

  2. This article has been the most helpful to me over any other written. I will be reading it every so often from now until I no longer need it. That time will come … I have no doubt. I saw him for the first time since Christmas when he made me feel devastated. This time with arms wide open he greeted me after a performance I attended. He made a big to do of it in front of others. I had to see how it felt to me. Not the same as before … I feel a little sad today, however, because I’m resigned to the knowledge that it’s over as far as my heart is concerned. Thank you, HG .. especially for this post. Very timely for me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’re welcome.

    2. sues423 says:

      It’s such great advice … hang in there. You’re worth more.. keep reading! ❤️

  3. Victoria says:

    HG, I have read this article 3 times and every time I find more meaning in your words. I have read all your articles since I joined this blog in January and have a folder “Tudor” in which I save all of them-they add up to about 500. Although each are magnificently written and are all brilliantly stated with the message clearly relayed, this one has really gotten to me on a very deep level. I am assessing that it is probably because I am more aware today than I was 4 months ago and therefore any remnant left of the illusion is long gone. To see the truth as you have stated them is both sad, for what I thought once was, and liberating. I just want to thank you again for the thousand times for all you have done for me and what you continue to do daily. I will be scheduling another consultation I feel I need that one on one again.
    All my gratitude kind Sir 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good to know and I look forward to hearing from you with regard to consulting again.

  4. A.R. says:

    Dear HG,

    How is it getting back at the narcissist to ignore them if we’re not remembered after we leave anyway?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You have confused escape with dis-engagement. If you escape (you leave us) then we remember you because we may well be applying an Initial Grand Hoover to get you back and Follow-Up Hoovers thereafter. Ignore us when this is happening and it wounds us and infuriates us.

      If we dis-engage from you and you are the IPPS, it is because we do not want you. We delete you as we focus on somebody else. If we have somebody else as a prospect or becomes our IPPS, we are not interested in you and therefore we will not be hoovering you therefore we do not give you the chance to ignore us. If during this scenario we happen to bump into you, we are more likely to ignore you but if you do not respond to us this will irritate us.

      If we dis-engage from you when we do not have another IPPS lined-up (perhaps you have exposed us and we are forced to dis-engage) we will seek out a new IPPS but we may dole out malign hoovers against you as punishment and to draw negative fuel in the meanwhile. If you ignore those malign hoovers then this will infuriate us. Once the new IPPS is in place, we delete you.

      1. Enjoying the silence says:

        Hi HG,
        So if you disengage with us and delete us and have no desire to hoover, does this mean we are safe from future hoovers?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, that state of affairs is temporary. Once your replacement is being devalued, there is a high risk we will return.

      2. Enjoying the silence says:

        Thank you HG, I appreciate your reaponse. 🙂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  5. Victoria says:

    Hi HG,
    You responded above that “Since I was well-fueled at the time of posting there was no anxiety or heebie jeebies.” Does that mean that if you had not been “well fueled” you would not have been inspired to write the article? Just trying to understand. My gratitude that you were fueled-wonderful and inspiring piece!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I would no doubt still have written it but probably felt irritated by disclosing in this way and lashed out at somebody afterwards (not here in my private life).

  6. What a fantastic and comprehensive post, thank you HG this is valuable insight.

  7. workrelatedok says:

    May 8th. My wedding anniversary. And I spent it reading this. Alone.

    1. High Octane Fuel says:

      Good. That means you are safe.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Dont romanticize an anniversary of victimization. He would have ruined it anyway.

    2. Patricia says:

      I’m so sorry for that but I hope you can remember that you are headed towards something better and away from misery. I’m sure this is not the anniversary you envisioned but this post is a gift nonetheless. Many are here with you as well workrelated!

      1. workrelatedok says:


  8. 1jaded1 says:

    We must never forget the last line. Thank you HG for the 193584th time. Does posting this here cause any heebie jeebies…aka anxiety? You wouldn’t reveal this in the outside of your blog world…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome. Correct, I would not reveal this outside of the blog. Since I was well-fuelled at the time of posting there was no anxiety or heebie jeebies.

  9. Mailen says:

    Thank you. I really needed to see this today.

  10. Enjoying the silence says:

    HG, I have no words… Or at least none that seem fitting. So all I will say is that this post is absolutely amazing and so very helpful. Thank you so much for this, you are truly appreciated. 😘

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome. It is the truth of the matter.

  11. NarcAngel says:

    Wow. Youre good.

  12. VFH says:

    I like that a lot. Another bedtime salve. Could have been written by one of us survivors supporting another in their healing.

    One question HG…the ‘appearance’ thing I’m stuck on…..

    It’s just those last couple of lines….”the key for you to remember is this. It is an appearance” Soooo….your appearance of not caring is pretence too? Am I over thinking it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No. I do not care. I have no emotional empathy.

      The last two lines apply to the point about us always appearing to win, not to not caring.

  13. Lots of pennies dropped with this post, and all put together so well.

    I bet the page is blank when we turn away, but as soon as we look, the visual magic appears. It’s some kind of sorcery. Primary sorcery.

    1. penny dropped says:

      I discovered this blog around September/October last year, during a rapid escalation in the devaluation, and I could not wrap my head around it. I’ve had more overt emotional abuse before, and thought I was guarded and wouldn’t fall for that shit again, but this guy was something else! Veeerrrrry sneaky and insidious. I read article after article, and with a terrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, ‘the penny dropped’….. hence my moniker 🙂

      Said before, and I’ll say again, so glad I found this blog… the information and advice given here validates and informs better than any ‘survivor’ group could (not that I’ve read many…. they weren’t helping me). I’m still amazed at the fact that the person who has helped me navigate this horrible mess more than anyone else is not a caring, shoulder-to-cry-on, have-a-hug, i’m-sorry-you-feel-so-terrible, ‘my kind’ type… but a self-serving, manipulative, malignant, narcissistic sociopath! *boggle*

      I’m in a lousy personal position after this ‘run in’, but hell….. at least I’m out of that crazyheadfuck situation. I’m aiming for dry land! None of us wanted to be here, but since we are, let’s be thankful for small mercies that someone is explaining what the hell just happened!! Ugh!

  14. mistynolan01 says:

    Number 7. Short and to the point. I’m focused on keeping him out of my life. He’s getting plenty of fuel now, but, as he did on Valentines Day, he texts when he’s low. I ignored it and I haven’t heard from him since then. He doesn’t find me fun any more.

    I aim to keep it that way.

    Thank you for this great advice, HG.

  15. Thanks for reminding me it’s about image.

    But he does get away with abandoning his son because his brainwashed wife if so ‘grateful’ that she’s been reinstated to the golden period and he’s getting juicy juicy supply. However, we all know the golden period doesn’t last forever before you’re back on the highway to hell. I can only hope, right?

    And feeling this way means the triangulation is working. It’s a full time job to keep feeling sorry for a woman who enables a man to abandon his own son and somehow lies to herself about how it’s okay to be married to a man who would do this. #abusejunkie #cognitivedissonance #gaslighting #lovebombing #protectingthenest

    1. giulia says:

      It could be a blessing if he stays away from his son…

  16. penny dropped says:

    I might print this off and laminate it 😉

    Sooooo helpful!!

  17. The Bride says:

    I agree, it seems so sensitive. Perfect timing for this reminder, especially #9 and #10 on how to deal with this. Eventually we come to a place in the recovery process and we can let go of thoughts of revenge or wanting to save other victims. Very valuable article. Nice HG. Thank you!

  18. Moon says:

    This is by far my favorite (of yours). Its nice to see you validating and helping non N’s in a different way. I already knew this information but it helps confirm everything.
    Thank you for explainin it in a way to help move on.
    My X won’t contact me because I figured him out…and I know this game all to well…
    Keep up the good work H.G! I hope to see more articles with this kind of format.

  19. SUSAN says:

    What a great article!! Soooo spot on!

    This is a must read for everyone struggling with these types of people. It should be something that you should tape to your bathroom mirror and read every single day because this is truth!

    At the beginning of the year I decided enough is enough, I am NOT going to let this person ruin another day of my life to the best of my ability. Life is too short and I want to be happy! He’s robbing my happiness and life. HG, a lot of your advice in the article is what I kept and keep telling myself. It has helped a lot. To see you say it is extremely affirming because I confirms that its not me. I didn’t do anything to deserve this. No one has. Thank you.

    “You can be pitiful or powerful, but you can’t be both”
    Joyce Meyer

  20. Thank you, I needed this more than you could imagine!

  21. giulia says:

    Yes and no. I like the tone of this post and I agree with every point but I think you could get your way without much of the nasty things that come around afterwords.
    I can understand that someone would not want to be faithful and keep going from woman to woman. But all that hurt, confusion, devaluation, tortures….there’s no need for that.
    I understand if a man wants to love all the women in this world but I will never understand the need to hurt them.

    1. Victoria says:

      Bride, my take on it and from the knowledge I’ve gained from the master, it is their MO (Modus operandi” it’s their means to get fuel, with no conscience or sense of moral, it is perfectly natural for them. Yes, it is painful for us in the normal world, but after reading so many of HG’s books and articles, I understand. Do I accept it or like it, NO. It just is what it is. It’s part of being a narcissist.

  22. Angelic says:

    The unknowed…
    cannot take it anymore..

  23. gabbanzobean says:

    And I can still hear him say “I internalize my misery and it’s not something I let people see. I fake it until I make it”…. this is an indirect reference to the “creature” that is periodically referenced?

    I am sure he said this just to make me feel sorry for him…but it’s accurate and how it really is isn’t it?

    “Appearance” indeed.

    Thank you for this article. I really needed it today.

  24. Victoria says:

    Just reading the common thread among all of us and it all seems to be that in this article you show a sensitivity which we “empaths” are able to sense and therefore absorb the content so much more. Forgive me if it seems like I am giving you a lesson,I would never presume to do that, I just wanted to share what really touches us.
    Thanks again!

    1. Victoria says:

      I thought of this on my way home from work. . . to me it felt like a big brother putting his arm around my shoulder and giving me his advice as to what would be best for me. So for that, thank you HG!

      1. BraveHeart says:

        I can say the same, Victoria. HG is more of a big brother figure than my own have ever been. I’ve learned more from him, and feel more protected now, than both of my older brothers have ever taught me or made me feel. Although, he’s still a Narcissist, and does this blog for his own reasons, I’m eternally grateful for the lessons he’s taught me. HG, I will never be able to thank you enough for all of your brilliant work that has brought so much light into my life. 🙂

    2. sues423 says:

      like moths to a flame lol

      1. sues423 says:

        In reference to “able to sense” in Victoria’s comment.

  25. Victoria says:

    Star, you took the words right out of my brain; I was just going to write HG the same thing. HG this article felt so comforting and empathetic on your part-I know you were informing us not to waste our time on fruitless acts but to wait until we are composed but. . .you said it with such kindness-You made my day and it’s only Monday. Thank you Sir for this marvelous article; one of your most touching!

  26. Ms brown says:

    So proud of you, HG….

  27. ballerina9 says:

     “Malignant Narcissism” was the caption last night on tv. The psychiatrist was telling the Tump supporter journalist, Trump tells 2 types of lies: the ones he tells people and the ones he truly believes. The annoyed journalist kept interrupting the good doctor every 5 seconds, in full disagreement. So another opportunity to talk about narcissism was lost. Consolation prize is that the caption was on for 5mn or so.

    HG, you have a lot of work ahead of you! Once you’re a full time ‘Narc Whisperer’ how will you handle a journalist repeatedly cutting you off?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He can’t talk when he is fighting for breath can he?

      1. abrokenwing says:


      2. ballerina9 says:

        Haha 😅 I want a ticket to that show!!

      3. ballerina9 says:

        You’re definitely my favourite Narc HG!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you, I expect nothing less, but then you get me.

      4. K says:

        ha ha ha, nice one!

    2. abrokenwing says:

      Was this journalist’s name Fancy by any chance?

      1. ballerina9 says:

        Hi brokenwing,
        Google : Jesse Watters battles Yale’s Dr. John Gartner who claims Trump is psychotic, calling him a “malignant narcissist”.

      2. abrokenwing says:


    3. abrokenwing says:

      Hello Ballerina,

      I was referring to that woman on Facebook, a fanatic ( my opinion) Trump’s supporter who lets say didn’t agreed with what Mr.Tudor wrote about him in his A Very Potus Narcissist article. 😉

      I watched the video you suggested and found it interesting.I think the doctor responded well to Watters’s attacks and he was right when he said that he don’t need to evaluate him face to face to know who he is. Thank you for sharing.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        That lady just kept missing the point of both the article and subsequent explanations to assist her understanding. There is only so much one can say to certain people. The focus of her allegiance was irrelevant; it was her inability to understand the article which caused the problem.

      2. ballerina9 says:

        Hi ABW,
        Indeed the Doc kept his calm with this knee-jerker type journalist. So rude to interrupt hos guest, a Doc from Yale (who could have put him back in his place with his credentials). The Doc’s facial expressions show he knew it’d be… futile. Just like resistance is 😉.

  28. Star says:

    Wow HG , I am so impressed! This article seems so sensitive to the other persons perspective, as well as incredibly insightful and helpful. So empowering. Thank you

  29. narseeker says:

    Thank you HG, this is one of the most empowering articles I have ever read. So much so that I’d like to know it by heart. Thank you so much!

  30. abrokenwing says:

    You are not only educating us about how your kind operates and why you do what you do but you also telling us what is the best way to deal with it. This is so invaluable! And it sounds like an advice from someone who cares..
    I’m gonna take it on board. Only because it comes from you.

    1. sues423 says:

      Totally agree!! 🙂

  31. High Octane Fuel says:

    This is an incredibly helpful post. Dare I say, kind even. Of course you’ve written it for the sake of garnering supply but it still shows a surprising level of imagining-yourself-in-someone-else’s-shoes and considering their emotions. Cold empathy is real, looks like. In any case, thank you. These words were nurturing, for what it’s worth.

    1. sues423 says:

      My thoughts exactly 🙂

  32. aero5678 says:

    On Judgement Day, everyone will give an account, face to face with Almighty God, for everything they have ever said and done. We shall see just how much the narcissist gets away with then.

    1. mistynolan01 says:

      They can’t help their personality disorder. Some don’t know that they be a personality. If you have read HG for any length of time, you would know that they even see themselves as victims of others’ cruelty. HG is in therapy, in spite of most in the field who will tell you they cannot be changed. At least HG is enlightened enough through therapy to want to help by revealing how their minds work.

      Sorry if I sound a little miffed. Mainly it’s because I don’t like when people are presume to speak for God about how He will judge others.

      1. mistynolan01 says:

        Can’t edit posts here — I meant to say that some (most?) narcs do not realize they have a personality disorder. Don’t judge.

  33. Brandie says:

    Reblogged this on Speak Out 4 Others.

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