The Igniters of Fury – No. 6

IGNITER 7

A series that allows you to understand what are the different things that you do which are likely to ignite the fury of a narcissist. Keep in mind that different schools of narcissists have different levels of control over their fury. Use this information to understand why you have been treated to heated or cold fury and to use this information to further your own position post escape.

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28 thoughts on “The Igniters of Fury – No. 6”

    1. It will not happen in the golden period or a respite period. If we are well-fuelled beforehand during devaluation it is less likely to ignite the fury but it cannot be guaranteed.

  1. Family, too. My narc hates my family – they’ve never been anything but welcoming and loving towards him but he won’t have anything to do with them. I know it’s jealousy on his part because he hates his own family as well. The biggest red flag for me, and when I knew something was fundamentally wrong with him, was to see his inability to truly bond with any other human beings. He literally has no friends and his relationships with his family are strained.

  2. It got to the place where I put him before everyone. I’d wait on his call first thing in the morning, with his plans for our evenings and weekends. It took him a couple of years to get me there, but the steady pressure of him telling me “They’re not your real friends, why are you putting them before me?” on a constant basis made trying to be around others not worth the wrath I’d have to face afterward.

    Having been separated by space and time, I can now make light of his theatrics and his grilling.

    But it was actually hell. I was hooked. We weren’t married. We didn’t live together. Nothing bound us but the tentacles of his narcissistic chokehold grip on my psyche.

    I’m sad tonight.

  3. Mr. Tudor,
    Does this anger your kind even if you are out of town (and, therefore not in proximity to your main supply)?

    1. It depends on what stage of the narcissistic dynamic you are in. If golden period, no. If devaluation then yes it would as you are meant to be at home waiting for us, miserable that we are away, not out and about gadding around.

      1. had to look up “gadding around” :). I am learning so many UK phrases. Too bad I can’t use them… I just can’t find any legitimate way to use “Jolly good” in any of my day to day conversations no matter how much I’d like to…. also I’d sound like Madonna and her horrifically failed attempts to take on an English accent…

      2. Ha ha, jolly good is easy.
        “How are you getting on with the report for Project Wankelrotary Engine Hank?”
        “It’s coming along just fine Miss Wendy.”
        “Jolly good.”

      3. I get how it is used 🙂 just would be weird to use it without seeming a bit odd as a non- British English speaking person.

      4. And my father worked for ALCOA so I heard the word aluminum a lot as a child. I didn’t even know that aluminium was the original version of the word. Well, could come in handy for a trivia night or scrabble…

      5. Ha,ha, HG! That’s exactly how I feel about how you all say aluminum! Did make more sense when I first saw that you all even spell it differently.

  4. Hello HG!
    It makes sense to me when you put it in this series.
    My ex was sure to bombard me with texts if I had to attend something else that didn’t include her.
    She would say
    “You should be with me”
    “It’s your loss”
    “Look at what you are missing”
    She would send “I miss you’s”, love quotes, threatening stories about her moving away to nude pictures.
    I saw her heated fury the weekend I was at my daughters play. I didn’t even know anything was wrong but on that Sunday evening she had me meet her at a bar to tell me that no one was there for her when she needed them. She screamed, yelled, and pounded her fists on the table and told me that she attempted to hang herself because she was in such a bad place and I wasn’t there for her. She left furious and then made up a story about being in an accident that didn’t happen.
    Of course all she had to do was tell me how sorry she was and how she loved me and I forgave all of the incidents.

    I do think it’s important for me to remember these stories because it’s all too easy to remember that I loved her.
    I don’t miss any of that drama and I don’t want it ever again.

  5. I just wanted to thank you for your honesty . I appreciate the books you have wrote and they were what got me through my period of discard and then when I went no contact. The lonliness and sadness were immense. Your books helped me understand my Narcissist and all those that surround him. Helped me to understand and the knowlege I got through reading your books have given me power back and i have regained myself, pulled myself out of dispair. I do wish I understood better why if I see or hear of him, I still hurt. Its not nearly as strong but I would like to know when that will not occur anymore and what I can do to rid myself of all hurt. What i do now is when i see him or pic of him with his new victim I tell myself that everything he is with her is fake like it was with me and its no reflection on me. I then list in my head all the times he went silent (ghosting) which was most paonful, all the times he cheated and then ultimately when I figured him out, he got violent. I have shared my experience and your books to help others and from that i have gotten the most healing. Keep up the writing because if you get off on sticking it to other narcissist then this is the way to do it. Thanks !

    1. Hi Jeannine, it still hurts because what WE felt was real. You are struggling with cognitive dissonance, and reading up on that may help you understand. The golden period/lovebombing sucked us in, and it is hard to believe it was all an illusion, lies, and deceit. I like how you remind yourself that “everything was fake” when you are hurting, or as HG says, it was all an appearance. I have found it helpful to write down every awful thing he said or did, and read it often. I tend to want to remember the (fake) good and forget the bad. It is a journey getting over them, but you will. It has also helped me to read all I can about it, not just HGs stuff, but other sites and books. We can do this!

    2. Jeannine
      Good for you. Much more productive to call forth the shitty things he did to reinforce why you need to stay away from him, rather than wax poetic about one or two crumbs he threw you that were nice. Keep reading. Pretty soon youll feel nothing for him, but if you do, it will be pity (but not enough to want contact or to help).

  6. Ahh this is one of the ways I defied him after I had decided that I’d had enough of his control and demands on me, Such high treason!

    1. Love it, “such high treason.”. …Ex-narc gets jealous when I see my friends. He calls them my “posse,” convinced we are not together because of them. I also think it bothers him that he doesn’t have any friends.

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