Repetition

REPETITION

 

I didn’t ask for this you know. I know you did not either but for once let’s not make this about you and let’s talk about me, yes? I never asked to be created so that each and every day I must gather the fuel that is necessary for my existence. Yes, I must eat, I must drink water and I must breathe the air, just as you do, but for me I have another staple requirement of daily living. I must have fuel. Did you choose to always needs food and water? No, you did not. Neither did I. I did not choose to require this fuel either but without it I will cease to exist. What I have created in order to survive in this world will come toppling down and that will be the end of me. How far would you go to eat? At first it is simple enough is it not? You go to the grocery store or you order online from the supermarket and acquire the ingredients to make a meal or receive a pre-cooked one. You chop, you peel, you mash and you stir and you make that meal. A hundred thousand different recipes to choose from. Instead you may remove the packaging, pierce the cling film and pop it in the over or the microwave. Either way you have food, ready to eat and to sustain you. But what if you had no money to acquire this food, how would you quell the rumblings in your stomach? Perhaps you might ask to be given food from neighbours, from food banks or left overs at supermarkets. It is demeaning but you need to eat don’t you, so what does a little pride matter so long as your stomach is filled? However, what if that charity ends? What if the benevolence of friends and neighbours dries up? What would you do then? What if there are no friends and no neighbours? Would you look to survive on berries you find by the roadside, drink the water from a stream? Would that sustain you for long or would you tire of that? Would you scavenge through the bins outside a supermarket for food that has been thrown out but is perfectly edible? Is that stealing? Perhaps not. Would you cope with the stares of pity and disdain from those who saw you surfing a dumpster?

Would you steal from the shops in order to quell the hunger pangs? Snatch a loaf from a bakery, sneak into a house and steal that cooling pie or rifle through the cupboards in order to find something to eat. What if there is no edible food in the dumpster, would you remove the mould and eat what you find, risking illness? What if the supermarkets ran out of food and there was nowhere to steal it from? Would you scavenge from the orchards until that fruit ran out? Would you catch fish or hunt a lamb or grab a chicken in order to cook and eat it over an open fire? What if the usual sources of meat began to vanish, having fallen prey to starving wild animals following the collapse of civilisation, what then? Would you try new sources? Would you, driven by hunger hunt down and eat a sparrow or a robin? How about an owl? Seagull? Would you slaughter a fox in order to eat its meat? Where would you stop? Would you eat another human being in order to survive? When needs must where would you draw the line? How far would you go to feed yourself and your loved ones? Begging, growing you own, stealing, savagery, cannibalism? Do you have a limit or when the chips are down and your stomach is knotted with the agony of starvation would there be no limit? How far would you go? Would you fight another person for a packet of rice? Beat someone up in order to steal their hoard of windfalls? Would you consider their loss of their food source and their injuries an acceptable consequence of your own necessary survival? Would this become collateral damage in the pursuit of survival? Abhorrent as it may sound, I should imagine, when the need really arises, that you would go beyond the unpalatable in order to survive.

Now replace food with the need for fuel and you will understand that I have no choice other than to gather this fuel from different sources and in different ways throughout the course of each day. The consequences which arise may seem regrettable to you but they are purely the result of this need for me to gain fuel. I did not ask to have to do this, but the way I have been created makes it so. In the same way that you would fight to ensure your own survival, rather than curling up and dying in a hole, so must I. Does that make me what would be regarded as a bad person for just doing what I need to in order to exist? I suggest that it does not. I know that what I do has consequences for others. I am not blind nor am I a fool. I understand fully the devastation that I cause as I tear through someone else’s life like a whirlwind, sucking everything in, hurling it about and then discarding it broken and shattered. I have heard the complaints, the stories, the recollections and the accounts. I have heard the cries of dismay, the wails of misery, the screams of terror and the slow sobs of pain. I know what is caused by my actions but what choice do I have? I do not set out to achieve these things but they must always arise as a consequence of what I must do.

I feel no guilt nor remorse. I am devoid of those emotions. Another consequence of the way I have been created. I feel no shame in these actions, no pity for those who suffer from my behaviours and no sense of empathy for those who are remorselessly cut down by my machinations. I am not burdened by such emotions so I do not toss and turn at night, I do not have my sleep peppered by nightmares of torment, I do not sit in anguish and seek absolution for everything I have done and everything that I am to do. Those concepts are not applicable to me. What I do is invite you to understand me. I want you to understand what I am, what I must do and what arises from this and if you were in my shoes then you would do the same. This does not make me a bad person does it? I am a good man who is having to do a bad job. Yes?

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50 thoughts on “Repetition”

  1. Poignant to say the least HG!

    Do mid rangers believe they are functioning as normal non disordered people? Do they think they’ve found love in their relationships?? In spite of their chaotic lives? Do you believe they think that what they’re feeling is just like everyone else albeit fuel and not love ? Might be hard to answer this considering your cadre and that everyone is different but … thank you !!😊

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    1. They do. They believe themselves to be good people. They recognise that sometimes their behaviour causes hurt or that they have certain behaviours which are unusual but they do not accept responsibility for them, thus there is recognition but no ownership. They think they are kind, empathic, caring. I see many Mid Rangers hosting supposed narc abuse support sites across the web.

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      1. Arrgh HG….
        Your comment about lurking MR’s parading as abuse survivors conjures up “that still small voice” in my head!
        Do you think I could be in that boat?
        I think you’ve seen enough of my posts for an “off the cuff” evaluation? If I had the financial ability I would not hesitate a consult. However, my art career is starving atm (which I attribute to 6yrs of trauma bonding)
        OF Course, right? Lmao!
        Excuse or not, couldn’t you just fake a little compassion for a broke bloke and discount a consult for a fellow scholar meandering through the labyrinth? I would highly value your opinion😜

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      2. TYVM HG!
        I appreciate the consideration. As far as my soul…not much left, with the exception of an abudance of toxic resentment and need for justice. Of which you’re more than welcome to fill up on as much as you wish…lol.
        I will be contacting you shortly. Thanks again👍👊✌

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      3. Aww HG that’s very sweet of you to negotiate something with lansealan. See, you can be a good man. Time for a hug! (I know, i know, you hate hugs!)

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      4. Great Jenna…thanks for feeding the beast…ugghh. Lol!

        Believe it or not, my skin has grown fairly thick after years of banging my head on a brick wall. So, ATM not intimidated and looking forward to conversing with a cognicent, reasoning elite. Something I havnt experienced. I’m also very aware that good business practice involves compromise…gotta give to get. Unfortunately, feeling I’m at a disadvantage…he knows what I want from him…but not sure what he going to want to extract from me…ahh. Lol. Not anticipating or expecting any malevolence, he knows I respect him.(regardless of what I say…lol) Plus I always retain my right to agree to disagree, should that come into play.

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      5. Lansealan, i was jk. HG is an effective and thorough consultant. And his professionalism and the 5 rules means he won’t be extracting anything frm you. So pls relax and gain insight frm the consult. I am sure you will find it beneficial.

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  2. Hell yes. However, for your audience to have a better grapple of your situation, a writing about the environmental/genetic causes of NPD would seem necessary. You didn’t ask to be created, you didn’t ask to have blue eyes. You inherited the genetic predisposition to this condition, a condition that is utile to suppress personal suffering by not feeling for others’ pain. The world is getting more and more cruel, and look at the news scars one. We turn the TV off, but still see poverty everywhere. You, with your lack of empathy, repress the feelings of pain. Narcissism is grown in the world, because suffering, is observable everywhere. I wish I had your condition when I leave my house.

    Now, the consequences of not feeling the love of another person may coexist with the lack of feelings of others’ pain. I don’t know.

    Malignant people is an extreme, and I know that therapy has helped friends to control impulsivity, for example. If you are appealing to empaths solidarity…..good luck. We are smartening up. Thank you!

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  3. Oh oh oh…you’re gonna blow up one day with all this fuel you fare stocking…you’e a fire hazard! 😘

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  4. Like the song goes ” he goes to bed with a belly full of I’m so cool”.
    The rest are you looking for pity?
    I will have to think on this. I don’t know what I do.

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  5. You can’t compare the basic fundamental need for “food” to your need for “fuel”. We don’t “learn” that our body needs food, it’s inherent. On the other hand, you have learned(falsely) that you “need” fuel. I would say your “need” is more accurately “desire”. As “fuel” feeds your mind, not your body. Obviously, humans cannot survive without food for the body, but can survive with a depraved mind.
    For the sake of your final punch line, let’s just say your “wrong”. Bad is subjective, plus we already know bad to you is equivalent to death, right?

    How bout we just call it “selfish immoral behavior justification”?

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  6. All you need is emotional fuel? So then, you don’t need to the money you steal? After all, money is not what you are about, it’s all about fuel, emotional food. There are many many ways of obtaining emotional fuel. It’s strange how you become a common thief, a money hungry thief, as an excuse for “fuel.” Sure it always upsets people when hackers and all variety of thieves (even relatives) steal their money, it always does. You created your world, so it’s on you, nobody else. Yes, it’s your fault, you have a choice. You decided. You made your world of lies to live in. It’s up to you. It’s always been up to you, nobody else. You are afraid, a fragile soul who hides from the world and yourself in your false world of lies. Your job: deny reality at all cost or you might be yourself and die.

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  7. Yes.
    But what would happen if you stopped looking for fuel?
    Would you not be able to get up from bed? Would you faint? WOuld you die?
    Or would you become the creature that lives inside you?

    One time my second N called me after some silence, and I didn’t recognize what was happening with him. His voice was different, he was incoherent, spewing nonsense about the system, some conspiracy, etc, while interrupting himself with discomfort in his mouth, feeling sour, biting his tongue, being thirsty, and etc. it was all weird.
    Was it the creature talking??
    He was always paranoid about his health, complaining about vertigo, and other weird paranoias. Yet he would do all the hardcore drugs.

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  8. Like the song goes ” he goes to bed with a belly full of I’m so cool”.
    The rest are you looking for pity?
    I will have to think on this. I don’t know what I would do.

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  9. In your case HG, you are a good man for two reasons. 1. You are helping victims learn and potentially recover from this abuse regardless of for profit or actual caring. 2. You’ve recognized your “flaws” and have maintained working with the good doctor’s. Which brings me to the other million bastards, who can’t figure out why their own lives are complete failures, why their children hate them, why people despise them, and more so that even when their children and partner’s beg for them to seek “professional” help, they simply choose to maintain the victim stance and carry on with their miserable lives. I believe that not every one of these pathetic human beings are all high on the spectrum and therefore incapable of recognizing “their flaws” and working on self growth, improving behaviors etc., etc. When you consider that many if not all suffer from one thing or another, for example the morbidly obese person that changes a life-long pattern of self destruction and loses 100 or 200 pounds and surprise, life is good! So I believe that’s a choice, not necessarily what has to be. AGAIN, there’s a spectrum and if you and Sam Vaknin, two highly intelligent men and both high on the spectrum can improve…. then the less severe cases could potentially be helped to the degree of a half way meaningful life that doesn’t destroy everything in their path……oh well, that’s my rant ~

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  10. A deeper understanding lessens the anxiety and hurt. Then the choice that we were not given at the beginning comes into place and restores fairness. Saying that, nature can be cruel. This is just how things are, but on a higher level.

    Survival.

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  11. No you are a very sick human.
    There are solutions; as challenging as they may be to ” your kind.”

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  12. Interesting description. Not sure I agree as one is a physical need to survive the other is not. I understand it’s needed for your survival but so is the need for a pedophile to need a child. Although you feel no guilt or empathy for the hurt you cause, you understand that you do. That is a choice to not do better.

    Either way, really good read.

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  13. You know what – the confusion is ongoing. No matter how much I learn it always spirals back to confusion one way or another. And I detest not understanding. It’s torturous to me.
    I read your more vulnerable posts and I feel nothing but sympathy for you. Of course you didn’t choose to be this way.
    I then relate it to my narc. He can’t help it either. I know of his upbringing and I feel sad that he had that trauma. But I can’t afford to feel sad for him! Sympathy and empathy make you vulnerable. Just like attachment does. It’s far better for me to hate. It hurts less and it’s a strong emotion. It keeps me strong and determined. (If that makes sense?) anger keeps me going in the right direction. Compassion drags me back.
    I have to fight so hard to keep that anger burning. It goes against who I am.
    I’m so confused right now. I am so jealous right now of the narcs inability to ‘feel’.
    I’m strong enough to know I would never turn back. Ever. But I need to carry on hating him. I have to. But how do you do that when you know this isn’t their choice and they are a product of nature nurture the same as us all? The rest of the population I naturally emphasize with. How can I turn that empathy off for one single person?

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    1. You cannot. That is why you have to distance yourself and also put in place mechanisms to ‘mop up’ the empathy. I will be writing an article about this.

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    2. Karen CN
      You spoke of compassion and hate. What about a middle ground in indifference? Accepting that it may not be his fault and he may not live the life that you envision for him,but also accepting that it is not your responsibility to exchange your happiness to provide him what he lacks. You now know that he will never be happy. Isnt one person living an unhappy life better than two?

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      1. Hi Narcangel, what you said makes sense and is perfectly logical.
        The difficulty comes with getting myself to the place of indifference.
        I’ll work on it though.
        Thanks for your help and advice.

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      2. Karen CN
        Yes, I never meant that it could be easily acheived, but more of a goal. Kinder to yourself.

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      1. K
        Haha. Well yes, theres that too. Id rather see hate and fight over wallowing, as that means youre at least holding out against having it happen again with a view to moving forward. I meant after there is understanding and acceptance of how they are, and how you are. Indifference is closer to Zero impact as the end goal.

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      2. NarcAngel

        You are absolutely correct. I went from numb, to hate, to sadness and now I am on the path to indifference. It is a difficult journey fraught with many emotions. Zero impact is, indeed, the goal!

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  14. HG

    ” What I have created in order to survive in this world will come toppling down and that will be the end of me.”

    Then it is a choice
    😮

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  15. No.
    You are not a bad man habing to do a bad job.
    It is not forced.
    it is a choice.
    One cannot live without food.
    But one can live withouth that kind of fuel.
    All that need is re- programming.
    And that … yes it is almost impossible after a long time of “pleasurable addiction “

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  16. How did you get like this HG? Nature or nurture…. it the lack of ? I just don’t understand

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    1. I am of the view it is a combination of genetic predisposition combined with the environment within which I was raised. A potent brew.

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  17. Very good article HG.
    Having read almost all of your articles, I have a great respect for you. Mainly because you have opened up in an effort to help with understanding. I will never get any of this from my narcissist.
    I can’t begin to express how much it would have helped our chances if she had. I’m pretty sure I’d have been able to work through things with her. Alas, the lies, and absolute denial of manipulations and triangulations proved too much in the end.

    That said, what you are doing is a good thing. I can no more put myself in your shoes as you could put yourself in mine, but at least you are TRYING. There is goodness and honor in that.

    I do believe that people can change. You cannot change who you are at the core, but your awareness may net you some surprising results if you stick with it.

    Your articles served me a great purpose. I feel a need to repay you in some way before I sign off and stop reading your blog.

    Try a few of these and see what kind of fuel you can gather…
    -Honesty even if remorse is feigned.
    -Surprise yourself and your primary by “waisting” some of your fuel on positive behavior when the negative is expected from you.
    -Provide someone you have hurt deeply with closure.
    -Perform a random act of kindness for someone that you look down on with the utmost disgust. If you see people like you say you do, know what they need and give it to them.
    -Find one of these poor souls that feels helplessly lost in their relationship and donate some of your profits to help them get out.

    Do these things and I guarantee you that you will net insane amounts of positive fuel from the emotions that will be lit in others. Will it be enough to sustain you? From what I’ve read, hell no! However, it might substitute for negative fuel in a pinch. Better yet it might remove some of the evilness you openly attach to your disorder.
    Thanks again.
    Sam

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  18. But once you know your actions are hurting pple, you can try and stop. The fuel levels will decrease, but it won’t kill you. I have seen this with my ex. He’s trying to change for the better.

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  19. I’m not sure whether you are a good man. I know you are doing some good by educating others. You did help me understand quite a few things, for which I’m grateful.

    I understand the need for fuel. What I do not understand is how you cannot feel remorse or grief or empathy. You suggest that you were born this way. Yet some doctors say narcissist are made, due to a dysfunctional environment as a kid. I suppose that would play a part, but clearly it is not all there is, as empathic individuals can also come from these environments. Codependent individuals most certainly do.

    I must admit, I still wish to consult you, however, you also stated it is not advisable to contact you in real life. Hence my hesitation to do so.

    I hope some good fuel comes your way though.

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    1. By real life I mean face to face, through technology is perfectly fine owing to distance and the protocol. I hope you do book a consult you will find it very helpful.

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  20. This is a tough one. I would lie, cheat, forage, steal, dumpster dive, beg, prostitute myself and hunt for food. Hopefully, I would not have to commit murder and I would not harm children or the elderly. If I found a dead body cannibalism would be appealing. Thank God, I am an empath! I wouldn’t want to be a narcissist.

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    1. Perhaps you are a victim of circumstance. Does this make you a bad person? No and yes. No, because you didn’t ask to be abused, but your targets shouldn’t be abused either and you are aware that you hurt them and don’t care, so yes. Our kind tries to understand but we can’t excuse behavior that hurts innocent people either. Jesus, you don’t make this easy for us empaths at all, do you? I think I need a drink…

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  21. HG, what you do you do because you want to do it, not because you have to it. You are merely make up an excuse by saying you have to it to survive, this is a lie, another lie that is made up to give yourself entitlement. You make choices every day and you continue to do so. Now, you have ingrained yourself in this way of living your life, you live your life in pursuit of destroying others because you put yourself away. You want to search out and destroy anyone you see as good and loveable, because you are not (were not). They will not be loved! You will destroy them. It is revenge, plain and simple, hate, bitterness, the seed of jealousy grown to fullness. You’re not fooling anyone. Grow up.

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