Why We Target You?

why-we-target-you

When we set our sights on acquiring our appliances to fuel us, it stands to reason that we dedicate the greatest amount of time to the person who is going to be our primary source of fuel. Of course the amount of time dedicated to this depends on the relevant narcissist but all of our kind are looking for certain traits which are prevalent to empathic individuals. There are certain core traits which exist in empathic individuals. Normal people will have some of these traits, probably not all and they will not have the traits to the extent and degree of an empathic person. Thus, this is why normal people are rarely made our primary sources. There are also traits which are known as class traits. These are the traits which appeal to the relevant cadre of narcissist, be that person a Victim, Somatic, Cerebral or Elite Narcissist. The core traits are hugely important to us. Their existence provides us with the three key elements that we take from our victims. Firstly, these traits means that the fuel provision will be high because of their connection to the emotional output from the victim. Secondly, there are certain residual benefits that come from these traits which we want. Thirdly, by attaching ourselves to somebody who has these traits we can pretend we have them too. We do not have these traits. Therefore we want to take them from you to apply to our construct and pass them off as belonging to us. Since we are experts and copying, we do not have these traits for ourselves and we do not feel them, but we are able to replicate what they look like by studying how you behave, because you have these traits. We then apply this to our own behaviour in order to maintain the façade. This fools other people into thinking that we are honest, decent and loving. It also enables us to mirror your traits and reflect them back at you so that you think we have them also. This makes us all the more appealing to you and ensures that you are bound closer to us. Accordingly, identifying these core traits in our victims is extremely important. The more of these traits that you have, the better. The more of these traits that you have, the greater the likelihood of being ensnared by our kind. A combination of the core traits and the class traits appearing in the way you behave and act draws our kind to you. We sense and see these traits and lock our sights on you as a prospective primary source.

There are ten of these core traits. The ideal is to find a victim who has all ten core traits and exhibits them to a considerable degree. We would then also want them to exhibit the relevant class traits which match with the type of narcissist that we are.

The Lesser Narcissist is unaware of these traits but like a hungry wolf sniffing out food he can sense the existence of these traits and know that the person exhibiting them is somebody he wants with him.

The Mid-Range Narcissists recognises these traits as admirable traits for a person to have. He sees them as plus points in the same way as someone might regard someone who is interested in art, travel and classical music, as a good match to start dating. The Mid-Range knows that he values these traits but he does not know the fundamental reason why he is drawn to them.

The Greater Narcissist knows what these traits are and why they are important. He knows the function that they play, he knows better than anybody else how to detect them and the places where (“the hunting grounds”) people can be found who will have these core traits and also the class traits. The Greater can sniff out the existence of these traits and match the target to them before moving in to ensnare that person.

So, what are these traits? Well, here are five of the ten by way of example. It is highly likely that you will have all five of these traits and you will have them in significant amounts because that is why you were ensnared by a narcissist to begin with.

Love Devotee       – we require our targets to be committed to the concept of love. You want to find love, experience love, love and be loved. The idea of love is central to your existence and you truly believe that our purpose on this earth is to love others. Not only does this mean loving those around but above all else you believe in the fulfilment that arises from having that one special person who you are committed to, who you will do anything for and who you will make sacrifices for. The existence of love is a reason, to you to exist and therefore you must find it and once located, obtain it and maintain it. We want love devotees because your dedication to love often blinds you to so much else and accordingly by pretending to give you love we can hook into this trait of yours and it allows us to ensnare you all the more readily.

Compassionate – our target must exhibit compassion. This compassion must be mainly for us although we are content for it to be exhibited for other people and objects such as animals, in order to detect it. If we identify that someone cares more about animals and things and not people however we do not consider that this fulfils our requirement. At an early juncture, if we see evidence of compassion for animals it generally (but not always) follows that this person will be compassionate towards humans as well.

Decent – We look for decent people. People who are well-mannered, polite and understanding. People who have consideration for others, wait their turn in speaking, allowing others to take a slice of cake before anyone else, giving to charity and conducting him or herself in a dignified manner. Decency is an attractive trait because it tells us that you will adhere to certain standards and that you also expect us to do the same. This matters because we know that this is often indicative of the fact that you are therefore unlikely to give up on us when the going gets rough.

Moral Compass –  we prefer a person with a strong moral compass, somebody who would hand a wallet to the police with the contents intact if they found such an item in the street or they would alert the shop assistant if they were handed too much change. This person is monogamous and faithful and believes others should conduct themselves by a similar moral code. Again, this tells us that you are far more likely to hang in there once devaluation starts and our behaviour will offend your moral compass so there will be the accompanying emotional reaction and thus copious fuel.

Caring – an individual who will always look after somebody else. Whether it is through working to provide for us, running the home in an excellent manner, looking after us when we are ill and being concerned about our well-being, the caring trait is very important and must be evident in our primary source especially. Not only will this tell us that you will want to look after us but it also signals to us that when we begin the devaluation of you, you will want to fix us and heal us and therefore you will keep plugging away, trying to do the right thing. It also tells us that we can expect considerable residual benefits from you in terms of you looking after us, which accords with our view of how you should be, subservient and obedient.

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43 thoughts on “Why We Target You?”

      1. Thank you.
        You’ve admitted to have failed in the past. Noted and appreciated. How do you remember that odd occasion? Were you hurt badly? Could that target be just as narcissistic as you were? Maybe she misled you (on purpose of unaware)?

        I’m just trying to understand what I went through or am still going through. I am sure I am not the person the narc thought I would be as I only appeared to be that person for I wanted to be that person and I believed I could be that person should he just have loved me the way I needed to be loved. Never have become that person though, as he was never able to love.

        Could I also be a narc who is in denial?

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      2. Please note and appreciate that it was not total failure.

        No, I was not badly hurt. The appliance just did not function as WELL as I had anticipated, they still function, I still seduced them.
        No the target was not as narcissistic as me, I recognise my kind and I do not seduce them for romantic purposes.

        It is unlikely that you are a narc who is in denial.

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      3. I thought you’d say that. It’s never you, it can’t be you. I keep forgetting this 🙂

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  1. The micro expressions though… the psychopath can’t hide his or her micro expressions even behind the mask. Especially the smirk! That I have found to be present in nearly all conversation with psychopaths. The curling corners of the lips. Usually when there is a mask of sadness held over the face, there is glee (duper’s delight) glinting in the eyes.

    I separate the features of a face when I am reading a person. Psychopaths… or narcissists as you like to call them, ALWAYS have mismatched emotions. The eyes don’t match the mouth or the eyebrows don’t match the eyes, or there is some sort of twitching as they strain to hold the fake expression.

    My ex husband actually had to “arrange” his face in a smile. It looked JUST like Jimmy Saville. In fact… HE looked just like a young Jimmy Saville. I wasn’t a fully developed human lie detector at that point unfortunately.

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  2. Well, I am all of these traits. I don’t think I can stop having them. And they are good traits. All I can do is be hyper vigilant and deflect narcs now that HG has revealed the secrets.

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  3. Yep – the more I worked on improving myself, the more Narcs I attracted. The more I demanded more of myself – to be more loving, caring, compassionate, the more Narcs I attracted who demanded more love and caring and compassion. So tiring.
    I thought I should stop being good. Now I can see why. The better you get as an individual the more you must be aware that the Narcs will be sniffing you out. Continue being a good person, but know that there are hyenas out there, sniffing you out.

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  4. All 5. To the detriment of myself. He also caught the fact that I was a nurse early on. My discard came as his business was failing and more than anything he hates to fail. A widow of two weeks with a large life insurance policy rescued him and his business, though he acted like he was her white knight. He had us both as “girlfriends” for 4 months. Ugh.

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  5. A compliment but not really. I never understood the extent of manipulation until recently. Thank you for your insight HG!

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  6. Ugh! I was just reminiscing with my best friend at work, that when I was still married, my husband and I went on a trip with our baby girl to visit my cousin and her husband on an out-of-state trip and stay at their house. My cousin’s husband had not yet interacted with my husband much at that point yet. After the divorce a few years later, my cousin confided to me that her husband commented how I was straight out of the Mad-Men era, circa 1950’s the way I took care of my ex and the baby. I did all the doting.
    I swear, looking back, I invested all my blood, sweat and tears in love and my marriage, the way others pursue degrees and their careers.
    No. 1 will get me every time.

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  7. HG you have shown what I need to hide with those I do not know when talking on line, yet in my real life working for corporate business has been a challenge to balance, at times I miss dentistry…..
    Thank you for all your work you do to enlighten us

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  8. Ps
    How do you expect somebody decent, respectful, caring, loving to hang around if you don’t give anything?
    Do you think they are stupid?

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      1. Misplaced trust and unresolved trauma injury.
        Just like someone with a broken leg can’t run from danger, alle she can do is hope and pray she’ll be allright in the end.

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  9. I am sorry to burst your bubble, Mr. Tudor, but you must remember that love is overrated. A simple statistic to keep in mind is that 50% of marriages end up in divorce, and from those divorced individuals, a much higher percentage of divorces occur.

    To look at love, care, compassion from a scientific point of view, without dramas in the moonlight, is to realize that love is adaptive. That is, love developed once we as homo sapiens sapiens grew a big, big brain. We were hunters and gatherers then, and the hunters were men. Women stayed in camp taking care of babies and cooking, sewing, the usual chores.. What reason, scientists ask, would men have to come back to camp and feed the family? They could keep on going, a bunch of hunter males discovering the world and thinking “to hell with those nagging creatures.”

    What could nature develop to make those males come back to continue reproduction? Some say that the concentric shape of breasts with areolas was the icon which man followed, and that icon was in camp, scared, waiting for the boys, full of fuel. An emotional liaison soon followed the material nexus: love. Love had to exist for the species to continue, for the brain to evolve, for migration and population to exist.

    So, yes, it’s nice to have a partner who can be trusted and who trusts us. But write a nice prenup and enjoy the moment.

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      1. what do you mean, who is being those sratistics?

        Problem with this worn and tired and very shallow interpretation of humanity is, drum roll please, MANY women leave their children to go off with other partners and could care less about familial love. Still the idea that women dont have a sex drive as controling as men or arent as shallowly wired as many men.

        Narc womrn do not hang around. My mom split in every way she could.

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    1. Each and every emotion has a specific purpose. Love evolved for the purpose of creating a family, to keep the male from leaving, thus increasing the chances of his offspring surviving. The end goal is to protect the child, help it survive in the jungle and to extend the human lifespan. This is why love is such a powerful emotion. It created mankind.

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  10. Spot on HG. Could you please give me an example showing the difference between: core traits and also the class traits? If the core traits are the 5 mentioned above, what is an example of a class trait?
    Thank you sir 🙂

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  11. How come in one of his games he was on the one hand, asking me to help him but then when something was triggering or wou ding him, who k ows what, he was like just go take care of your husband and daughter. Then, once I said I wanted to take care of him too (at that point, said it for fun and to see how he would react) he reacted in fury.

    I figure it was all a game in that asking me for my help/energy was a kind of hoover. Then when I expressed wanting to give it, he didnt want it. To thwart my instincual nature? He did want it, but then got far more fuel to deny it? And it was also a way to prolong the emotional game?

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    1. It was done to draw more fuel and also to confuse you. The more confused you are then the less likely you are to be able to gain any control and to move forward.

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      1. But how many times I heard him say, “Let me go, forget about me, there is nothing between us, you are too far away, it wouldn’t work.” So very clearly communicated.

        Also part of the game? “see look how considerate I am, I am aware you love me but I am trying to help you to move on, I am so wise about the situation.

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      2. This is what is so crazy about it all. I never wanted to move forward. The irony is he got to accuse me of having no self respect but of course I did. I am not a lifer. So I did move forward. I was stuck but not forever. So the very thing he wanted to control, to keep me from moving away, happened anyway. It makes no sense.

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  12. Check off all 5 traits for me. Last night I started reading Sitting Target: How and Why the Narcissist Chooses You, which will be followed by Red Flag: 50 Warning Signs of Narcissistic Seduction.

    P.S.
    In my well balanced continuum of friends, I am closest to the narcissist. Why? Because she mirrors my empathy so well and the normals don’t, that is why I am closer to her. The irony of it is almost comical.

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    1. Finished chapter three, so I can check off 4 more; the truth isn’t too important to me because lying is so common that I am used to it. Conditioning.

      My ex told me that I was the only person he ever met that listened (at great length) and that he hasn’t met anyone else like me anywhere. Good, bad or indifferent I like to listen to everything. Class traits are next.

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      1. Correction: check off all ten generic traits. I do strive for the truth, and though I am not surprised when I am lied to, it can be frustrating at times. Just finished Sitting Target and I now realize that I am a sitting duck. I will begin reading Red Flag: 50 Warning Signs of Narcissistic Seduction tonight. There may be hope for me yet.

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