Knowing Everything Yet Nothing

The people that know me and interact with me often remark that I always seem attuned to people and my environment. They remark about how I know so much about certain things, that I have clearly experienced a lot and retained the benefit of this experience. My awareness of matters is high and it is often commented on how I am able to “plug in” to something and instantly understand it, know how it works and what to do. Whether it is a meeting, discussion or event, I always fit in. I am not going to disagree with those comments.

Let us imagine that you are a massive football (soccer for our transatlantic cousins) fan. I listen to how you analyse a forthcoming match and discuss the impact of an expensive new signing. I carefully pay attention as you detail how the opposition centre-half is weak on short passes played into the penalty area. I see your eyes widen and light up with interest as you debate these issues with fellow fans. I make a careful note of what is said by you and the others and store it so that I can regurgitate it later to someone else who is similarly interested in football and pass it off as my own knowledge and observations. I do this with conviction so that nobody recognises that these comments are not my own. I spent the morning before the match that we are attending, reading the sport sections of two quality newspapers and also the satellite broadcaster’s webpage for the match, along with other bits and pieces from around the internet in order to assemble my knowledge for this, our first match together. I knew from your social media postings that you are a passionate fan of this team and as I targeted you I pretended I was as well. I managed to recall key trophies the team had won and recent events from the football club’s website to enable me to demonstrate I was also a committed fan. In the course of the discussion with you and your friends who are also die-hard fans I trot out a piece I memorised from a football writer, tweaking it here and there to give it a ring of authenticity as I explain how the captain, sorry our captain, needs a holding midfielder alongside him to allow him to venture further forward and play key balls to the lone man up front. You all nod in agreement showing admiration in my knowledge despite it being acquired elsewhere. I feel the fuel flowing.

I attend the match with you and see how excited you are by the occasion. Your conversation speeds up as you talk about the team the manager has selected. The smell of beer and hot dogs and pies mixes together on the concourse, heightening the occasion as the singing from the away fans drifts from inside the stadium. An event like this assails the senses. The press of the crowd as it makes its way inside seems to lend energy to you and your pace quickens, causing me to have to speed up to ensure I am not left behind. Once in our seats your face shows how you are eagerly anticipating the game, the chanting and shouting already loud, bouncing around the stadium and competing with the delivery of the pa announcer. All around me I can see nervous anticipation, bullish enthusiasm and well-founded confidence. I listen to the chants so I learn the words enabling me to join in. I watch you as you crane forward in your seat, eyes fixed on the unfolding match, fists clenched and repeated utterances issued loudly to urge your team on. I mimic your exhortions and body language, leaning towards the pitch and then jumping up as your team, now our team, opens the scoring. You hug me and I return the hug, jumping up and down in a replica of the delight that washes across the home crowd. The taunting chants aimed at the opposition ring out and I readily join in, gesturing towards the disconsolate faces in the adjoining stand. A second goal is scored, this time from the cries of delight and the conjoining of profanity and blasphemy the goal is clearly of both quality and importance.

“That puts us on top of the league on goal difference,” you explain as if you are able to see that I am wondering why there is such a heightened reaction to this second goal. I know however that you are not wondering that at all. I know that you are thrilled that I am embracing with such enthusiasm the match, sharing the main passion in your life. I join in with the cheers, the shouting, the cries of frustration and disappointment, the barracking of the referee when he makes a poor decision and ensure I am fully integrated with the experience. I look around me watching the passion, the hope, the fury and the delight etched on the other supporters. The stadium is a cauldron of noise and emotion. I am plugged into this experience alongwith fifty five thousand other people. I can see the emotions are raw and visceral, even primitive.

I see all of this around me yet I feel none of it. I merely mimic everyone else in order to fit in. I am attached to the experience but I feel nothing. I am completely detached from it. All it does is serve  a purpose to enable me to create and build bridges and ties with you. I can see how it all affects you, it is clear to see. I am there yet I am not. I am connected yet removed. This is how it feels, or rather, this is how it does not.

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40 thoughts on “Knowing Everything Yet Nothing”

  1. Meant to say especially “when others could see or when it could serve him in the future”. Not except “when others could see or when it could serve him in the future”.

  2. Dear HG, you say you don’t feel anything, therefore you act the way you act. You say you are born that way. Can’t argue that, can we?….
    But, you don’t need to know how an eptileptic attack feels to call the ambulance if someone falls on the floor shaking and all, you don’t need to know how it feels to be robbed to call the police if there’s a robbery by your neighbour. You don’t need to know how a liver transplant feels to know you don’t have to jump on somebody belly.
    So the fact that you “don’t know how it feels” doesn’t excuse you for doing despicable things to others. Actually, it is the opposite. You do some things because you don’t know how it feels. And you don’t care.
    The key point here is this: you simply don’t care.
    Clarified that, you say you must do those things….I have some doubts as well about this. You do it because you can get away with it. You do it because you can. And that’s the only reason.
    At this point the only one that can stop you is yourself. To be able to survive in this no-limits environment you must draw the line somewhere, I know you set yourself limits, you are no fool. So, if you can set yourself some limits to protect yourself, why don’t you set some limits to prevent all of this useless suffering to others as well?
    Is it such a bad idea? What have you got to loose?

    1. Hi Giulia. Narcissists are extremely helpful in most instances and would always call an ambulance, defend the victims of a robbery and never jump on someone’s stomach unless that was some sort of sexual preference. All of that is fuel. My ex was practically a white knight when it came to doing no harm and serving others except with his targets, when others could see or when it could serve him in the future. You’re right. They may not care. No, they can’t stop. There are endless authentic medical journals stating no “cure”. Now, he can be aware which he is, however, very few reach awareness. Also, in their eyes they have a lot to lose. Power and control. HG hasn’t offered up an excuse for doing despicable things. He owns pretty much every behavior that he’s discussed. And just think…if he didn’t come here to share all these things we’d still be unaware, too. I’ve learned just as much about myself and my own behavior through this blog than I have about the narcissist. I chose so much of what happened to me. I may not have known it at the time, but I really didn’t want to.

    1. The more I read and read, the more I understand about myself. That has ultimately helped me more. Thank you for that.

      1. NA, I agree. I read now more than post. But then again we both know why I do not post often.
        How are you? You are the one that I will LOL often with what you post.
        So keep posting with your off the wall humor!
        XX

      2. AHOH
        There you are. I thought you may be watching from the wings! Oh post what you want. There are those who dont like me or what I write but they can quite frankly KISS MY STARFISH lol. Doesnt change my life but they ought to take a good look at changing theirs as they keep making the same mistakes over and over so how dare they judge. I was saying in relation to the post that I realize I dont enjoy much with other people. More and more I think: why would I do that or go there? I can see that easier on the internet lol. I know this is not the case with you though, so what have you been doing and enjoying in your Narc-free life?

      3. Hi NarcAngel,
        Me too. It works both ways. I am learning to understand narcissists and to understand myself too. It is hard when I read things that remind me of how I have been conditioned. Shame comes to the surface. It is painful but at the same time I am grateful that it helps to know what is wrong and what to do about it. HG has become my best teacher.

      4. E. B
        The shame is not yours to feel. You did nothing wrong and now that you know the dynamic you are taking steps to change it with your education here. That is strength, and where there is strength there is no room for shame.

      5. NarcAngel,
        Thank you for your kind words, you are very nice. Your comments make me laugh and if I met you in the real world, I believe would like your company.

        Everyone has their own preferences and maybe you have not met the right people yet. It depends on the type of event and who will be attending. For example, I used to have frenemies who were no fun to be with. Two of them were delusional Erotomaniacs. They spoke for hours on end about men who were supposedly “in love” with them and their “relationships”, which only existed in their own minds.

      6. NA, I like you and your comments are the ones I seek out. 🙂
        You’re always spot on and I believe you get it all really well.
        I’ve learned so so much about myself, too.
        Will be forever grateful, HG!

      7. Ava101
        Thank you, youre very kind. I follow your posts with interest as well. So many smart and diverse women here claiming and/or regaining their power, and it is very heartening to see. I came to learn about others and that I have done, but Master Tudor has forced me to look at myself in his writing and there has been even greater value in that. The only way I can think to thank him is to spread his word and he can consider it done.

  3. I remember now reading this post previously, but it wasnt until this time that I realized I did this extensively when I was younger, and still to some degree now. I would (more then but still now) see people doing things that most thought fun but that I had no interest in. I would try to find out as much as I could about whatever it was and even try it so I could see what they were going on about, but I never felt anything. For instance if there was a big parade, circus, or event coming to town. I would join in on the conversation and excitement but I couldnt imagine it being fun, and I felt nothing if I attended except scorn for why people would waste their time (seriously aren’t parades the dullest activity on Earth?) As an adult I hear people talking about cottaging, travelling, and events to attend and have done these things but I never enjoy them with other people. It just ends up being as stupid as I thought and I just want to go home. I assumed I mimicked as a child because I was never taught about how to interact, but as an adult I know I have dine it just to fit in and to try to experience the fun and excitement they speak of. But I never feel it and just want to be alone. Im often asked what I do for fun and I dont know how to answer, but if I were to be truthful its never with other people doing the things they think are fun.

    1. I can relate to that, NarcAngel! 😀 It probably depends on whether you have someone to accompany you, or not. If you enjoy someone’s company, it’s more about spending time with that person than attending the over-hyped event.

  4. HG, do you have own thoughts which are not connected to target a victim or to fit in? Or is there really nothing besides your aim to get fuel? It is interesting: I see a huge “EGO” and at the same time I see a huge “nothing” or “ballon.” No real person behind all your attempts to impress people. I see the void, the blank void. This is no attack, although it sounds like that. Oh, I just see, nearly the same question above.

  5. What’s wrong with reading the paper before the game to gain more knowledge about it? Non-narcs do that too. But we do not do it to ensnare. That’s the only difference.
    This article makes me sad. My ex said ‘trust me my brain is not normal, i feel like a robot.’ This is the feeling of detachment you talk about. You just ‘do’ without some of the connected emotions. It hurts me to hear this.

  6. It is no wonder you are able to articulate feelings so well in your posts, you have spent most of your life observing them in order to fit in and survive. Your ability to facsimile emotion is uncanny and your limited range or absence of certain emotions only highlights the paradoxical nature of your indisputable talent. To be connected yet removed is unfathomable to our kind. It is no surprise that our fuel is paramount to your existence.

  7. Mid range cerebral. Intelligent fucker. He could seriously shape shift into anything. Absorbed everything like a sponge. It boggles my mind how he could like almost everything that I did. He even spoke the same words I did and finished my sentences at the same time.

    And at the same time he could shut that shit right off. I learned this the hard way when I quoted something from a TV show, and as he usually has done in the before he didn’t. he didn’t remember what the next line was in the show. And he always did before. This was the last time we spoke though, as I’m fairly certain he was rid of me at that point.

    It hurts not knowing what was real and what wasn’t real. Like when he told me his favorite candy was Gummy bears and Twix, was that real? Or borrowed from someone else? If they really are just in an amalgam of other people do they have any characteristics that are unique to themselves? Reminds me of the TV show doll house. Imprinted human beings customized to customer request.

    1. gabbanzobean

      My ex liked seafood, vodka martinis, raw oysters and Mike and Ike fruit candy. These were things that he seemed to really like, however, his IPPS smoked and had a beard so my ex grew a beard and started smoking. He morphed so well that my friends noticed it too. They will pickup or drop any trait that is necessary to access fuel and that is all we need to know. My boyfriend was heterosexual and now he is gay. Fuel is the rule!

      1. P.S. gabbanzobean

        This may or may not help. Put yourself into the narcissist’s shoes and look at it from their perspective. This may not assuage the pain or damage that he has caused you, but it may help you to understand the situation better and help you let go. In order to fight/or recover from the narcissist try to think like one. I hope this helps.

      2. I get what you are trying to say, I do. Good grief it’s such a challenge. That and wanting to be a fly on the wall to see how he treats his wife. I wish there was a Narc camera installed somewhere which I could get access to? Am I making sense?

      3. Wait what? Straight and then gay? And I thought hair butchering for fuel was silly! Oh geez! The shit one does for some fuel!

      4. gabbanzobean

        The gay thing is really weird, that is one of the main reasons that I am here. I thought I was losing it, but I feel better because I learned here that sexuality is fluid for the narcissist. He targeted his IPPS when he was only seventeen. The relationship began when the IPPS turned eighteen. My ex turned into a middle-aged-gay-teenager. In our world that is odd.

      5. gabbanzobean

        The narc camera makes complete sense to me. Sometimes I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see how he treats his IPPS. NOT the sex part, of course!

  8. It would explain the constant need for fuel, from multiple angles. Taking a part of them with you, in the ‘hope’ you will feel something, eventually. However someone feels, we all dream.

    What kind of dreams do you have, HG?

    1. Hi Sarah, do you mean dreams when asleep? If so, I do not dream or if I do I do not remember.
      If you mean aspirations and aims, I have a number, some of which I cannot disclose yet.

      1. it appears to be a common link but not a determinative point in itself.

  9. Bicentennial Man has just entered my mind, reading this. The way the robot ‘Andrew’ would always watch how things were done. That great curiosity that lead him to be creative, but then having to out-live the people surrounding him.
    Could this be likened to narcissists? Minus the feelings he started to get, but where they have the notion and frustration of knowing and living such things that it’s ‘like’ out-living people because the empaths and normals of the world will never understand.

  10. Narcissists are the ultkmate ultimate chameleons, especially greaters. They definitely do their homework.
    Way back before i knew what a narcissist was i picked up on this borrowing of character traits bc my narc would out of the blue have a new interest or tell me about this or that. One time he sent me on facebook a link about exquisite braids. I knew right then he was getting things from other womens pages he was talking to. He would also mimic an accent and say…this is how they say this word. Its hard to explain but as an empath i knew he was sponging up other peoples interests and character traits and trying them on for size. Many narcs are incredible actors and do pick up on their supply sources traits like how they say things, their interests or hobbies and quirky things about them and they use it in their own construct. They are chameleons and collectors. Thats what makes a lot of them so damn interesting. I love my time with the narc when its not injected with devalument. Hes super interesting and loves to try and learn new things. How much of it he really enjoys vs is pretending to form that hook i dont know but it sure is convincing and works. That is the biggest aspect of him id miss. Its sad bc a lot of it is probably just to fit in to my world and create my special construct.

    1. Same Narcaffair. All of the sudden he would come up with an idea out of nowhere that he wanted to do with me. I knew it was the idea of his latest target. At one point he was obsessed with 50 shades of grey. I think I’m one of the only people on earth that thought it was stupid so I never read it, much less brought it up. He started talking about it constantly. He was grooming his next victim. She must’ve loved 50 shades of grey. My gut knew. I didn’t trust my gut.

      1. same exact experience with the 50 shades, except he didn’t talk about it. I found out when I hacked his phone and found out what was up…messages from him to “Anastasia” and from her to him “your lil Anastasia” (PUKE) …. plus all the details of their escapades….and then he suddenly wanted to buy my extra Mac laptop from me…. i figured out what he did with that too… it went to her to role play that scene when Grey gives Anasatasia the Mac… DAMN it! I so wish I had been “awake” back then….

  11. It feels to me like the narcs live on Mars and the rest of us live on Earth. We exist on different planets. We interact robotically. We are aliens to each other. We stick around each other to figure the other out. We are so foreign to each other. We engage and then we feel repulsed. Then, we go back to what is familiar to each of us. We will forever not connect in a meaningful way.

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