The Doormat

the-doormat

 

The doormat. There it lies with a pleasant greeting of “welcome home” emblazoned upon it and all it gets is routinely overlooked and trampled on, but it never flinches, it never backs away from performing its function. Many of our victims find themselves regarded as doormats by our kind. Not only is this evidenced by the way that we regard you but it is also as a consequence of the way that we treat you. It is not those factors alone however that cause me to ascribe the label of Doormat to a particular appliance. Much of it comes from the thinking, attitude and mind set of the relevant victim. I have mentioned my sister, Rachael previously. Whereas I trod the path that has led me to where I am today, Rachael found herself becoming a doormat. She was routinely trampled on by all the members of our family and I watched and observed as we grew older as to how this manifested. As time progressed and with the increasing awareness that I have obtained, allied with the observations of the good doctors, I identified certain characteristics that she has which I have also seen in those who have been my primary source victims. I have concluded that whilst numerous of these victims have come close to being doormats, only three have actually achieved that status along with my sister.

Now, it is a mistake to think that a doormat would be regarded as weak. Naturally my kind think this but that is part of our mechanism for maintaining our superiority by pouring scorn on your traits and how they lead you to be treated. Those who are doormats exhibit a different kind of strength. They are weak in that they fail to assert themselves with sufficient emphasis to enable them to escape the worst of out treatment, but they possess a strength by virtue of those characteristics. To be able to have those characteristics and keep them, whilst being abused, ignored, trampled on and taken for granted, is perversely a form of strength and one which we welcome. We want appliances that will keep functioning, obeying us, pouring out the fuel and complying, without breaking down and malfunctioning the first time matters become rough. Finding a doormat amongst our victims is gratifying because it means that this person will not depart us, they have no desire to do so. It goes further however because they wish to stay not only for our reasons but for their own fulfilment as well. They pour fuel in our direction, remain subservient and compliant. What are the traits that constitute a doormat?

  1. The individual is sensitive and guilt-ridden.
  2. This person has learned to survive hostile environments by meeting our need for gratification. This first and foremost applies to the provision of fuel but it also goes further. The doormat will gratify us by allowing us to do what we want, recognises our need and right to do so, allows us to utilise whatever resources we see fit and caters for all of our needs in terms of fuel, trait provision and residual benefits.
  3. The doormat’s perception of love has become skewed. This person seeks love through the excessive accommodation of another’s needs. This may not just be us when we have attached them as a primary source to us, but in respect of other individuals. Those individuals may not be narcissistic but the doormat still wishes to accommodate the wishes of other people (something which of course irritates us and leads to conflict) because the doormat regards his or her role as one of accommodating everybody because then that means that they will be loved.
  4. The doormat simply gives too much. They do not take. They give of themselves on every level, from their emotions, their dedication, their time, their energy, their thoughts and their resources. They are impressively resourced in these matters and appear to have almost limitless time, energy etc. although eventually it becomes evident that they have not.
  5. The doormat does not feel safe unless he or she gives. If they perceive that they are taking they feel alarm and distress. If they are neither giving or taking they feel restless and out of their comfort zone. The need to provide and to give allows them to fulfil their role and in turns embodies a sense of safety for them. Once they begin to feel safe they will continue to give in order to remain in this safe place. This is why the doormat is drawn to our kind because we are takers and do so on a vast scale. We are made for the doormat and even though the doormat may not know what we are, their coupling with us, provides them with an innate sense of safety and security.
  6. The doormat must meet the emotional needs of the narcissist. We are empty. We are voids and your emotional attention, your fuel, needs to be poured into us. The doormat feels a need to ensure that those excessive emotional needs are met (although fails to realise that this can never be achieved) and therefore remains hooked and beholden to us in as the doormat tries to achieve the impossible. I have watched my sister continue to do this with Matrinarc.
  7. The doormat suffers low self-esteem but this is boosted by the success of the narcissist. My victims who were doormats found that their self-esteem was increased by my achievements and my accomplishments. I watched my sister gather her self-esteem from being linked to the achievements of MatriNarc, my father and me. This is a curious behaviour and is not unlike our stealing of traits from those around us in order to add them to our construct and in turn make us look better and more attractive. The doormat does not acquire the traits of our success but the fact we are successful and they are linked with us results in their self-esteem being increased.
  8. The doormat has a high tolerance to emotional abuse. The lashing out through heated fury and cold fury from our kind against the doormat causes the doormat to realise that the emotional need of our kind has increased. This signals to them that they must leap into action. They have a call of duty and rather than find the emotional abuse debilitating (at least at first) they regard it as a useful signal for them to do something in order to cater for it. However, all the doormat is doing is allowing a pressure to build up of this repeated emotional abuse. The doormat can tolerate it for longer than a standard victim but then there comes a point where the threshold is reached, the pressure can no longer be sustained and withheld and at that point there is a substantial and serious damaging effect on the doormat from the release of this pressure.
  9. The doormat feels guilt when catering for his or her needs and therefore almost in a masochistic way will place themselves in the firing line once again with our kind in order to assuage this guilt.
  10. The doormat feels undeserving of being loved. They want to be loved for what they do, rather than for what they are. They regard themselves of fundamentally unworthy of love save when they are carrying out their role. With my sister I saw this with both my father and mother. My father emphasised how it was important to help others and my sister saw that as a clear signal to flagellate herself in catering to the needs of others and especially our kind. My sister also explained to me that in respect of MatriNarc that she never says that she is happy but that my sister knew MatriNarc was happy with her because of how my sister felt, namely devoid of guilt and valued because of her excessive giving. I regarded her thinking as deluded but I did not correct it, because it served my purposes as well.

33 thoughts on “The Doormat

  1. Mariangela Giordano says:

    🦋🕸

  2. Cramelya says:

    HG reading your narrative about doormat, it remind myself somewhat. I am kind easy to be identified by Narcs because of these characteristics mentioned in your blog. Obviously because Narc knows exactly how to deal with my type of persona. And now I understand why they are in love with my type, and why we fit into their criteria for only reason “fuel.”

    This blog is very intense and deep reality this type of personality “doormat” are easy target for Narcs … HG, it’s very interesting how you describe so well and with details this personality in your blogs.

    Thank You!

  3. HG, are all co dependents considered doormats by narcissists?

  4. BLW says:

    Well you’ve certainly nailed it with #5. As I’m sure you’re aware of from your own manipulations, we of course got to this point from it being repeatedly brainwashed into us, generally in childhood. For many of us, it was made clear through abuse that it wasn’t safe to have needs and was only safe when we were serving the needs of narc caretaker(s). In this way we were programmed to be a doormat and attract you. We were only given love (or rather, the imitation of it) when we served the narcissist and this became our way of relating to the world around us.

    #7 is a misconception. We don’t gain self esteem from your accomplishments, that’s not what’s happening. I think what you are seeing as self esteem is actually pride for supporting you and giving you all our love and energy that went towards them. The self esteem is thus related to our role as caretakers, not so much your accomplishment. It;s the only place you allow us to have any, if at all. And sacrifice our energy to you so you can accomplish things, we surely have. Our role is more like a parental role, albeit an unhealthy parent. It feels more akin to the pride you described you saw from your father once when you graduated. Because that’s what we essentially are, like a parent to your underdeveloped ego, feeding and caring for your disordered inner child as an unconscious attempt to fix you and thus be liberate us both from this entire cycle. Obviously, it never works…

  5. Angelic says:

    I CAN NOT TRULY TAKE IT ANYMORE.

    IT IS TOO PAINFUL.

    😢

    1. windstorm2 says:

      Angelic, remember the one statement that is ALWAYS true is ” And this, too shall pass away.” Hang in there, reach out to others. There is always a way out. Don’t stop looking for it. 🌦🌈

  6. Mrs Linton says:

    Hello Windstorm 2 the INFJ information is great. There are others like you, but it’s true you will always feel somewhat separate from the world because introverted intuition means that you engage almost entirely with your inner world and your own ideas. Very good stuff out there about giving too much and denying reality. I think I knew when you said you were reclusive, and you are bound to be an Empath on here. I feel better too engaging with an INFJ from time to time so thanks for your response. My Narc is an ESTP and it is fascinating because they are by their nature somewhat narcissistic, and at the other end of the spectrum. Prone to being superficial, very somatic, and generally starting bar fights! Saying that he did the “why me” thing tonight, I think he may be a mid ranger…..

    1. windstorm2 says:

      Mrs Linton, curious as to how you know which type your narc is? Surely he didn’t take the survey too? Mine would never answer something like that honestly if his life depended on it! I can hear him laughing in my mind if someone were to suggest it to him.
      My narc is apparently very different from yours. I do not think he’s ever asked “why me?” in his life! 😀 He never apologizes or withdraws, is very gregarious and intellectual. He spends his time playing mind games with all and sundry. I feel pretty sure he is a lower-level greater cerebral.
      There is also nothing even remotely somatic about him. And while an alcoholic, he never even went in bars. He was a very effective fighter in his teens when he had to be, but he used taunts and psychology to enrage his opponents so they were easy to outwit. He never needed to land many punches.
      You mentioned talking to your narc tonight. I’m just leaving mine from a family dinner at a restaurant. 5 3/4 of our 7 3/4 grandchildren were there and he gained much fuel encouraging mischief and observing his legacy. I hope your evening was as pleasant!

  7. Tiny Dancer says:

    So timely. What happens when the doormat stands up? So far I’ve been yelled at and belittled and ignored but I got all of that by being a doormat… The frequency has kicked up a notch and the level of threats has gotten bigger. She physically took some control back by moving herself back in the master, she’s been self-exiled in the guest room, and yelled at me in front of people that normally we keep a happy home facade in front of.

    It’s triggering reflex reactions of fear and sadness but deep down I don’t care and it feels really good to just look back and say “you hate me – so the fuck what”.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It depends on the manner of the doorstep stands up. Usually, because it does not know what it is dealing with, it will provide Challenge Fuel whereas what it ought to be doing is to stand up through the provision of no fuel and wounding.

  8. Mistress says:

    I was a door mat. Tolerated long enough…

  9. Matilda says:

    I enjoy the act of giving more than taking… what saves me from being a doormat is my sense of justice, and the need for balance. That’s where I clashed with my narc.

    These days, I have a short fuse when interacting with others in real life situations. Some are so sly, giving you back-handed compliments or wording things in a way they indicate wrong-doing on your part. I nib this in the bud now! Have been branded an over-reacting nutter. If calling others out on their BS to protect yourself means being a nutter, then I am one, thank you very much! 😀

    What also helps is to ask yourself “how would this person react if *I* said or did that to him/her?”. They would not put up with it. AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO EITHER!

  10. Jenna says:

    HG, frm what you know abt me and my ex narc, do you think i’m a doormat? I would like your opinion on this.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      First thing is first Jenna, he is not your ex narc.

      1. Jenna says:

        Huh?!😳😣
        What do you mean HG?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You still engage with him so he is not an ex narc is he?

          1. Jenna says:

            Oh i gotcha! Thx. But we’re no longer intimate nor see each other, so i’ll defy you and still call him my ex. Pls don’t be mad🙏

          2. HG Tudor says:

            He is an ex in the sense of the Formal Relationship of narcissist and IPSS. You however remain in a Formal Relationship of narc and NISS, thus he is not an ex.

          3. Jenna says:

            Thx HG. I was an ipss? I thought i was an ipps? He had no other at the time and he hoovered.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Do you know for sure? Were you with him most of the time each and every day? I thought you were married and had an affair?

          5. Jenna says:

            For the first 8 months, i was with him most days. Me, married, why would you say that?!

  11. horseyak says:

    Just curious, HG. If you were to have a competition with MatriNarc, where you were both competing for the same thing, who would win at this point in your life, you or mother?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Me of course.

  12. Sarah says:

    Strong or not, anyone can crack. There’s possibly thousands of empathic loose cannons out there who could be pushed to their limits, let alone the (mainly lesser) narcissist’s fury.

    HG, has this ever crossed your mind or been a worry for you in the search for fuel… or with an IP?
    If preservance and superiority are the makings of your kind, would this have been something that’s crossed your mind?

    1. Sarah says:

      Your safety, living with an ‘abused’ woman? Or have you always considered them too weak and loving for anything sinister?

    2. HG Tudor says:

      No it is not a concern.

  13. Shannon says:

    I’ve been a doormat to my family and all of my narcissistic relationships. This is why it’s hard for me to let new people into my life; once I love someone, it’s very easy for them to walk all over me.

  14. Mrs Linton says:

    The only people I am not a doormat with are my best friend and my non narc sister. I can show up any which way with them. Bad though, doormat to the whole of the rest of the world. No wonder I am such a recluse people tread on me as soon as they walk through the door. You know HG I would so rather be addicted to your blog than a flesh and blood Narc. The more fuel they are deprived of the bigger you will get.

    1. windstorm2 says:

      Mrs Linton, I protect myself by being a recluse as well. I view being a “doormat” as just my natural personality (at least it is now). While for most of my life I did let family and friends “walk all over me”, I learned how to regulate this by withdrawing. My home is an isolated oasis of peace and tranquillity for myself and my dogs and cat. I go out into the world to be helpful to those I wish, then withdraw to my oasis to recharge my internal batteries. I realize this is not normal, but it works for me.

      1. Mrs Linton says:

        You know I think if we didn’t become reclusive we would die of exhaustion, become broke from giving all our money away or both. Some people think that extreme empathy is a disorder, so hey maybe this is just the way it has to be. If friends treat me badly eventually I cut them off.Have you ever done the MBTI or humanmetrics. com? I come out as INFJ and just guessing but you may well do too. Empathic, strong sense of truth and justice emotional caring, very right left brained i.e. Good at both science and the arts. Your caring will exhaust you. Should make you feel more normal, it does me anyway. Though only 1 percent of the population are infj they do not all end up with narcs.

        1. windstorm2 says:

          I agree about becoming exhausted. When my children were growing up, it nearly killed me to never be able to get away by myself to recharge. It is very fulfilling to me to be helpful and I absolutely hate to say no,but that doesn’t mean I can keep it up non stop. Withdrawal is the best solution I’ve found.
          I have seen the term INFJ, but know nothing about it. Something new for me to learn! Your description sounded just like me – a musical and artistic science teacher! Honesty, empathy and caring seem the only way to go. I will have to study about it.
          Thank you for your reply! I have reconciled to being considered crazy or eccentric, but it is so nice to feel like I fit in somewhere! Kindred spirits make life so much more pleasant!

        2. windstorm2 says:

          Well Mrs Linton, I am impressed. You have apparently accurately identified me on that personality scale just from my comments here. I took the MBTI test and did land in the INFJ category. It has made for interesting reading. Nice to know I fit into a category (that’s not pathological!) and also retain a feeling of uniqueness since it is uncommon. 😊

  15. polgal says:

    Fuck! That’s me. Doormat/Toaster… and not only when comes to n. I’m like your sister. Except I have no brother…. only narcissistic sister…. and mother. My father and I are doormats/toasters.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

You Were Warned