The Igniters of Fury – No 18

IGNITER18

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73 thoughts on “The Igniters of Fury – No 18”

  1. My ex was awful about eating potato chips and snacks that were “his” and wouldn’t share with my two young sons. I bought some just for them but he ate those too. He had a rule that they had to ask permission to get a piece of bread. Makes me so angry just thinking about it now. I could never apologize enough for bringing that selfish loser into their life even if it was just for 2 years. It is like another lifetime ago, thank God!

    1. It was so meant for me to read this . My ex and father of my two youngest is a lesser Narc. My kids have enough to deal with having him for a dad. I made the decision not to get into a serious boyfriend/girlfriend thing with Narc 2 because we were friends for fifteen years prior and I saw how quickly he changed women like socks. So we had an open relationship and he was not around my kids much. I never invited him over and we mostly stayed at his house when my kids were with Narc 1. Those 2 decisions, I now see were the wisest I made during my almost four years of hell with him. Oddly enough he was at the hospital when both of my kids were born and watched them grow up but when my gut is screaming at me ,I sometimes listen.

      I remember how in the beginning when I was being groomed to be IPPS He would show all this interest in my kid’s and then it has only to use them and tell me what an awful mom I was because I don’t listen to him . He never had kid’s himself.
      What he did have was a girlfriend for two years named Debbie and he was out of my life at this time but I gathered enough info to figure out that not only did she get tortured for two years but he latched on to the oldest daughter for fuel. They were 10 and 12 the girls. The youngest wanted zero part of him but the oldest was socially awkward and had a load of daddy issues. She rarely saw her dad so while Narc 2 was dating her mom she got close with him. This sickens me ! He said that Deb was jealous of his relationship with her daughter so see terminated the relationship. His answer to that was to buy her an engagement ring. That got thrown back at him. Smart girl.
      My point in I believe because of the problems this child had that he was extracting more fuel from her than her mom. This is scary to me that unsuspecting women allow these devils into their lives and their kid’s because you don’t see them coming. I am glad you got out.

      1. He was getting ready to turn the daughter against the mother, and get fuel from the show.
        He was already setting it up by putting it into their heads that she was a bad mother.

      2. Yessss !!! You are correct. I know this because he told me that she was way too strict. He said she had no balance between showing love and showing discipline. So he probably was doing that because she told him he was to have no further contact with the kid’s. He seemed to be more upset when he spoke of the break up , about losing the kid’s than her. I was not around when all of this went down but I heard from him and from other people that he was a hot mess over it. It was the one and only time he went to counseling.

      3. Oh wow, I think the thing he was aiming for…was to see her defeated,depressed etc. from having her own daughters turn to an outsider rather than her.

      4. Agreed. He went for the weaker of the two. He tried his best w me to isolate me from my kids by saying I should be locked up in a mental ward and should stay away from my kids for a bit. He never ever bothered to do anything when it came to my oldest because he was too emotionally healthy, brilliant, powerful. In fact, he would often defend my son against me if I vented to him if we had a disagreements . They know who to go up against and who not to.

  2. I know it isn’t meant to be funny, but this meme made me laugh. There is no end to the ridiculousness of it all, when eating the last doughnut, ignites fury.

  3. My response to every person in my life has been “do not touch my food or my plate. If you do I will stab you with my fork”. See…I do have boundaries after all.

  4. He wanted me to cook for him, he asked for that all the time, in the early days. Finally, I made lemon chicken with potatoes and brought the whole pan at his flat, so that we eat it together for lunch. At the beginning he didn’t want to eat, he didn’t even pay attention to the food. One hour later, he took the whole pan and ate it in front of me with a spoon without offering to share. I was left speechless! I was also incredibly hungry, I asked for a bite and he gave me one without any hesitation, but that was it. I was so surprised from this attitude that I still remember it, but now I get it. After that, he stopped asking from me to cook. He had another woman who did that for him, regularly, as I learned later from her. Now he is married (to another), so, problem solved. Generally speaking, though, he was much ruder back then. I see him from time to time, for a coffee or a quick drink, and he is very generous and really polite, as if he is a totally different person. All of his anger, misery and darkness seem to have magically gone. Part of the hoovering, I guess. Or he feels nore relaxed and safe, since he is married, and tries to keep his secondary saurces happy.

    1. That is funny. I had one that cooked for woman to seduce them. I was no exception. We are both Italian and good cooks but u took a back seat when we got close and I was IPPS and allowed him to cook. I was ok with it because the excitement I got from him cooking outweighed me wanting to participate.
      He only did this twice to me but it had an effect. He cooked this huge meal in front of me and even had me assist and then ate some without offering it to me. He then put the leftovers in the fridge without saying a word. Imagine the fuel he got from my shock. Aliens

  5. Lol…his 36 pack of hotdoglike food substance and 12 pack of beer…I would have reverted to not eating anything. He ate the food that I bought for us. Food is fuel. Deep down or straight up…he bought that on purpose.

  6. Thank you so very much MLA Clarece and HG, I think I only really get it now with this example. I went to my sisters once at Christmas. I remember she had propped open her sash bathroom window with a bottle. For some reason I can’t remember I swapped it with a cotton wool container. Nothing was damaged or misplaced. My sister completely berated me. I told her that she would never have spoken to anyone else in the family like that, to which she said “no one else would have done it” I left in tears, and then she tried to make me feel guilty over leaving “like that” after the way SHE had spoken to me. Berated over cotton wool, added to the list,along with razor and faberge egg. Such an epiphany, no longer do I have to wonder what the eff happened and was it really my fault.

    1. Hello Mrs. Linton! All of these a-ha moments I have with regard to my ex-husband just make it easier for me to communicate with him with regard to co-parenting our daughter. But it unnerved me earlier today connecting the dots with that particular fight that really precipitated the eventual separation and divorce. During the “fight”, I pointed out that this particular razor he had left in my shower for about 9 months without using it or giving it a second thought before I tossed it. His reply was I needed his permission because it was his. WTF? I’m sure his new wife has to accommodate his endless piles of sh*t because he cried victim about his dictator ex-wife always disrespectfully throwing his crap away.
      I know it can be a difficult memory to process even with better understanding. I feel for ya!!

      1. I would say he runs high on the narcissistic spectrum. He is not malicious. He would fall in mid-range victim and is not aware at all how his behavior in that regard.
        After coming out of the fog with JN, and in trying to heal myself and figure out how far back so my wounds originate, did I start connecting the dots that my whole adult life I was married to a blooming narcissist.

      2. I’m so sorry clarece. It’s a difficult situation. Then you met JN who is also a narc. Narcs be gone!!

      3. MLA Clarence. Thank you for responding to me. Did you just feel bemused or angry? I remember feeling angry but then upset with myself. This was because somehow why was I getting upset when it was no big deal? It was her pettiness and manipulation ,knowing the buttons to press to draw that emotion, that’no one else would have done it” that is what I can see now. I have always been the bottom of the heap with my family and that was a beauty to use on me. To think she felt so empty on that occasion and I gave her what she needed, makes me feel sick. Do you think you can keep on top of your ex husbands behaviour now?

      4. Interesting question. That fight with him on that day, with our daughter hearing us and getting upset (thank god she has no memory now of that and just remembers the sand from the beach) it angers me. That day was too monumental for the eventual life changes that followed. Other things I can shrug off. I actually find myself sympathizing for his new wife with their two babies. I don’t get mad at myself. It makes me feel split off from that girl dealing in that moment with that bs, and I just want to put her in a bubble and protect her.

  7. I once had a flat mate who left a bitchy note on her massive salt container forbidding anyone from taking a few grains.
    I also had a boss when I was a bar maid who wouldn’t let us use the restaurants salt on our chips after work, because it cost money. Narcs so like to withhold.

  8. This brought up another very painful memory with my ex-husband of the brink when I decided to stop trying in the marriage. It wasn’t over food but rather just an object, accidentally thrown away. He picked a horrible fight with me over it on the morning of leaving for a family vacation with our little girl, 3 at the time. It was my last ditch effort to plan and have us do something as a family to try and “save” things. He provoked me so hard, I actually screamed at him that the only reason I was still with him was for the sake of our daughter to have her parents in the same house. We drove to northern Michigan for 5 hours in complete silence.
    The item btw, was a particular Gillette Mach razor that had a lighter weight handle than the other 10 he had hoarded in his bathroom drawer. You would think I lit our vacation money up with a match the way he carried on.
    Un-fucking-believable!

    1. It could have been a razor, a raisin or a faberge egg – as you now know it is the argument, the provision of the fuel and the need to maintain control that is at the heart of it. The nature of the object is ultimately incidental.

      1. Yes, it took me a year into reading your blog and books that triangulation happens with things and not just people.

  9. One time he wanted chicken. Specifically, fried chicken. I didn’t have any and I hate even the smell of it. The stores were closed. The fast food restaurants were closed. But l’ll be damned if he didn’t make ME responsible for him not getting his damn fried chicken! 6’5″, muscle-bound toddler. What a joke.

  10. Wow, I am a full blown narcissist. If someone eats my food, no fun for him. A man who tries to eat my food, is at once forgotten. Now I know why he fed me all the time with goodies. He always bought food and shared it. Even before sex he very often gave me a piece of chocolate. Was he afraid, that I would eat him? Funny idea!

    1. Now I am serious. He said he observed children. If you give a child something to eat, it thinks, that you are a good person. When he wants to seduce someone he shares all his food. Instinctively people think, he is a good guy…It is that easy! Therefore he is always lavish with food and drinks.He will get his advantages! Feeding me, helped him to make me an unattractive woman. Unfortunately for him – I did not get overweight. I really was allowed to eat his last bread. Different to you, HG.

  11. Oh hell yes !!! The way you are degraded when you do this is shocking. It is horrible. There is something about being punished for something so severely that is so silly that you feel like a child when subjected to it.

    1. Why not just give it to them. I dud: straight out the oven turned the pie upside down on his head, rubbed it into his head then when he protested I threw it at him but unfortunately missed and it went down the wall. There, you want food you have it sucker, served with lots of love 😈

    1. Generally, so if there is one cake left and you eat it, we consider it to be ours (even though we have eaten three of the four beforehand) and thus you taking a resource which we regard as ours, ignites the fury. It is linked to our sense of entitlement.

      1. I would love to see someone fight me over food hahah that was a battle my ex never won …

        Food makes far too happy lmao

  12. I don’t think I will ever forget the screaming and yelling he did when I ate his cereal. It had been sitting in the pantry for months, was open and he had not touched it during that time. In fact, it was rather stale. I was needing a chocolate fix so I ate some. Even though he had not touched it in months, he came out of that pantry and was screaming “Who ate my cereal?!!!!!!!! I was going to eat that!!!!!!!!! Now what am I going to eat??????” I thought he was going to pop a blood vessel with the way he carried on.

    I did not see the big deal because he ate my stuff all the time. He told me it was a big deal, he’d been planning to have it since the night before.

    He raised such a ruckus that I had to go into town and buy him a new box just so he’d shut up.

      1. “You mean, let me understand this … cuz I … maybe its me, maybe I’m a little fucked up maybe. I’m funny how, I mean funny, like I’m a clown? I amuse you. I make you laugh? I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? Whattya you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?”

      1. Exactly…like little kids. Our marriage counselor told us that he was the emotional equivalent of a 2-3 year old.

  13. Right — do not touch his food, but he’d go in my fridge and help himself to what he wanted. The behavior was forbidden at his home however.

    Once, he invited me over; he was making breakfast. Cool(!), I thought.
    When I got there breakfast was ready.

    I had to run back out to my car to get my phone. When I came back, he had all the food on his plate and had all but devoured it. He thought it was funny.

    It was 9:00 in the morning and I usually have my first meal at noon, so I was perfectly ok to just have coffee. But I was hurt that he’d do that; it was deliberate and he knew I knew it.

    Another time I invited him over for grilled chicken and fresh veggies. I served him a plate, but I wasn’t ready to eat. We were watching a movie, but I noticed him make repeated trips to the kitchen. When I went to make my plate, only veggies were left. He looked me dead in the eye and lied and said he thought I’d eaten.

    I didn’t know this was a “thing” with narcs. What an asshole.

  14. We would occasionally receive a small jar of homemade pimento cheese from our realtor. My daughter-in-law and I made the mistake of eating it. My husband was furious. I heard about it for weeks. The next jar we received he texted me a picture of it and said “Mine.” I would not of eaten it if I was starving to death. How come it matterd so much?

      1. Yes, so I have since learned HG. Entitlement, crapitlement….pfft!
        ty HG.

      1. I’m so happy you’re moderating now! πŸ’ƒπŸ’ƒπŸ’ƒ I feel so much relief, not that you care.
        What other matters were you taking care of? May i ask?

  15. Who would do that?! That’s just rude! I would never eat anyone else’s food.
    I used to bring my ex his fav foods if i knew he was coming to visit, and he would enjoy it. In fact, he felt so entitled, he would eat other pple’s food too, without asking lol! But he’s quite slim, so i wouldn’t mind. He can use the extra pounds!

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