Why Is He Always In My Head?


“He is always in my mind.”

“Try as I might I just cannot get him out of my head.”

“I can’t stop thinking about him.”

I am sure such comments or similar have been made by you at some point about the narcissist in your life. We have this formidable capability to get into your head and remain there for a long time which evokes bittersweet reactions from you at best and utter miserable frustration at worst. I have written about ever presence previously, namely that ability we have to ensure that you keep thinking about us, even when you have been pushed to one side or if you have sought to go no contact. This insidious form of manipulation is pervasive and very difficult to deal with, but how is it so effective?

Like much of our effectiveness it actually comes down to you. As an empathic individual you are much more susceptible to our method of remaining in your mind which is achieved by encoding. Since you care about others and take an interest in the thoughts, actions and well-being of other people, you have been wired to take on board stimuli from other people in a far more effective manner than others. Take my kind for example. We are so focussed on ourselves and what we need that we are not wired to be especially encoded by what others do. Our minds are nearly impervious to the actions of others. It is as if they are so full of what we do and what we want that there is no room for anything or anyone else. You on the other hand are like a sponge and you soak up the words and actions of others. Combine your susceptibility with our determined application of suggestion through what we say to you and what we do for you then the outcome is a devastating form of encoding which creates powerful and near indelible memories in your mind.

Through our visual encoding of your mind, you create a vivid mental picture and this will be recalled in pin-sharp crikey vision time after time. Every detail of a particular scene will be recalled by you and it is ingrained in your mind deeply through this encoding. The more you recall it, the more it becomes ingrained as if you are wearing a groove in a piece of wood. We make particular use of music (think how often your narcissist used certain tunes to woo you and/or create  special moment) to achieve acoustic encoding. Our voice is used in this way as well by the careful selection of key phrases which will resonate with you. You always remember the things that we say because we have encoded them into your mind. Similar encoding occurs in respect of taste and scents as well as tactile encoding. Accordingly this quintet of senses is assailed by all the things that we say and do in order to achieve this encoding. We create powerful memories so that you have no option other than to recall them and with that comes the emotional attachment. You will remember so much of what you have done with us compared to say what you have done with family, friends and colleagues. You will recall more memories, in greater detail and more often when they involved us because of this deliberate encoding.

You might think this was enough in terms of the efficacy of this method of affecting you, but it does not end there. Most narcissists are male and thus it follows that the majority of victims are female. In general terms, women remember events better than men (men have better spatial memories) and therefore you are genetically pre-disposed to remember all those occasions and dates you spent with us in such detail. Females remember pleasant memories in better detail than men, thus this is a further reinforcement of why you can summon up such powerful memories of the golden period and why it hurts you so much. Conversely, in general terms, men remember unpleasant events better than women who tend to recall them in a ‘blurred’ manner. This is why despite the abuse you have suffered the golden period memories tend to triumph. It is not the case with everyone, admittedly, but generally this holds good. Add to this the fact that women’s memories retain more of their potency through the advancement of age than men and you will see why your memories of us are so difficult to shake. Not only do we specifically encode your minds, which are primed to accept this more than other people, your gender also makes you more susceptible to retaining these detailed and vivid memories of the when everything felt wonderful.

These memories are deeply ingrained and very hard to dismiss and remove, even with professional help. Combine this efficacy with the fact we leave you exhausted and broken, it is little wonder you cannot shift us from your minds. Everyone knows how difficult it is to think straight when you are tired. Little wonder then that we always loom large in your mind when you have been exhausted and shattered by our behaviour.

These memories of the golden period are massively powerful and all of the above means that for someone like you, you will often think of them and suffer the emotion that is linked to them .It is a devastating weapon in our armour. Pretty memorable eh?

75 thoughts on “Why Is He Always In My Head?

  1. P.B. says:

    Thank you for this article. I’m on Day 4 of N/C and my heads all over the place. I never really had the honeymoon period.. I separated from a 28 year marriage 9 years ago and ex bf from when I was a teenager came back into my life shortly after. Love bombed at beginning but played me for a fool for last 9 years. I put myself in the friend zone once I found out about his chronic lying, cheating, alcoholism etc.. but he’d manipulated / brainwashed me so much by then that I continued to be his “rock” while he continuously used and abused me. I know that I have low self esteem due to abusive childhood and marriage but I’ve only just realized how little self worth I have that I would allow this lazy narcissistic cheating lying alcoholic drug addict devalue and demoralize me. The hardest part is acknowledging that he never loved me. Not even as a friend. Not even as someone he’s known for forty years. I was just another source for him to bleed dry. Praying for strength to stop the thoughts.

  2. Victoria says:

    Penny Dropped,
    I can totally sympathize with your feelings and that “pit in the stomach” as “ever-present” continues despite our efforts to try and block them out of our minds. I had my fourth consultation with HG yesterday and was speaking to him about this precise topic as well as mentioning that I feel the Golden period is probably the most damaging of all the cyclical parts of our relationship with our narc. I was in a 10 year relationship-of and on encountering the cycle quite a few times. I have be away for almost 5 months and although it has gotten better, there are days where I actually feel good again, the EP it still there and HG said it would take so time. For me what has helped me the most is reading HG’s books like the Confession Series where he used many examples of his own life to explain key components of the narcissist and empath. I have read 23 of his books and his articles daily. I spoke to my ex narc recently and it was amazing that I really felt no pull by him and actually felt nothing at all at seeing him. Everything I had read on this blog and in HG’s books were visible in watching him attempt his word salad and habitual lies; It did not affect me for the first time. PD you might want to try a consultation with HG-the hour of personal one on one time with him is so valuable and for me it has brought me to where I am today.
    It will get better, read the books and come to this blog and in time you will be totally free, mind and spirit. It is working for me. All the best 🙂

    1. penny dropped says:

      Thanks V. for your response. 🙂

      Zero impact would be my aim, as at some point, no contact will not be fully possible unless I give up every link to my previous life (we knew a lot of the same people before we were a couple). It would be a massive bonus if I could knock a couple of dents into that ‘Mr Wonderful’ facade at some point… I’m in no doubt that the ‘reasons’ he will be giving people will not be the truth. Not sure if my current ‘step back’ would be seen as an admission of guilt, or that I’m somehow ashamed to show my face, so at some point I want to step back in to some degree. I don’t feel at fault here, why should I skulk off like I’m guilty of something?

      Like many others here, I feel he’s taken so much from me emotionally, psychologically, mentally, physically, financially… my personal position now is not good, I at least want my ‘head’ back

  3. Pamela says:

    I do enjoy picking your brain HG, a la the image.

    You are the one narcissist needed to be in the forefornt of our thoughts. To help keep so many vigilant and aware.

    1. HG Tudor says:


  4. BC says:

    Who gets the bronze period and why?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Those who are ensnared by Lessers (they can give golden periods but the Bronze Period is something often experienced with a Lesser).

      1. BC says:

        And how would you define the Bronze Period?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is not the over the top love bombing. Instead you are treated well enough but it is more about keeping the beast within hidden than being overly loving. The Lesser’s efforts go to keeping the devaluing element hidden and this takes considerable effort meaning that they are often unable to provide a Golden Period.

      2. K says:

        Bronze Period; noted, thank you.

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      This psychologist over here who thought that the asshole was going through a “transitional” time because they were cheating on their ex with you…

      So you give more and more thinking “oh this will get better and pay off” and then you’re shit outta luck cause it was the shittiest investment ever lol.

      Sorry I couldn’t help myself lmao

      Hey at least I can find some humor in it all 😂

  5. annoyed says:

    HG Tudor, my commitmentphobic narc friendzoned me as he left for a different country. Now he is back and he would text me out of the blue with a “How’s it going?”/ “What are you up to tonight?”, and when I would reply he would ignore me for a few hours/days- and then the cycle repeats.
    Why does he do this? Sometimes he texts me enthusiastically to go for a hike/spend time together and then the next he only texts me to show that he is alone at home and bored, then doesn’t reply to my text?!
    What should I do? Ignore him and NC or call him out???
    I don’t get why he is playing these games, he friendzoned me and ghosted me… why can’t we just be normal friends without games??

  6. numb says:

    The very thought of him sickens me, only the thoughts won’t stop. Why does my mind continue to go there? I have never felt pure hatred for anyone until now. These thoughts repulse me, yet I can not make them stop. How do I clear these toxic thoughts of him from head HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Read Exorcism and consult with me and I will show you how to get rid of them.

      1. numb says:

        On order and I will be in touch soon. Ty HG!!

      2. Geminimom says:

        What are you going to tell her?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Tell who and about what?

  7. madamovasabi says:

    So on point. I’m not one, but have been around some. Sad. So sad, but true.
    I think they get the emotionally weak ones. I also agree that most of them are men, probably due to unconscious conditioning. The same applies to their victims. The society has so conditioned women to generally feel inferior, and if one doesn’t have the right support, they may fall prey before they become strong.

  8. Patricia says:

    His birthday is November 11. Every time the clock read 11:14 he would say “wish me happy birthday” or “look at the clock” which was my cue to say Happy Birthday, So immature and self absorbed and yet it has stuck with me long after we are done and I suppose it will forever. Fucker.

  9. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

    He will be in my head only until he is replaced…

    Then … I will never think of him again.

    1. Narc affair says:

      This is so true dr Harleen just make sure you dont get hung up with an even more experienced narcissist like i did. The ex was easy to forget and was harmless. Its the covert charming ones that are next to impossible to forget. Their mask is crazy glued on… sighhh.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


        I’ve made a point to not jump into another relationship – date- bang- for awhile (like 10 months now)…

        This may actually be the longest I have refrained from sexual activity and have been single for since I was 16 years old.

        I have to admit it is starting to get to me lol; however I have come to find that I really would rather be alone then make a shitty choice. Anytime I see some kinda psychopathology I dead the situation asap. I would say my bullshit tolerance is ridiculously low.

        I have come to find that I attract covert narcissists and I am sexually attracted to grandiose ones. What about you?

        The same problem remains since I was a teenager… I am sexually attracted to cluster b personalities. When I say cluster b… let me be more specific lol: sociopaths, psychopaths, and narcissists (grandiose only).

        I guess I’m doomed to be a born again virgin until I figure out some way to be sexually attracted to “healthier” people and I get over my “sexual complications” and weird anxieties I have developed since the ex.

        I have had some people tell me I should just kinda use someone as a sex surrogate (someone familiar) others say to wait until I find someone I’m really sexually attracted to and have a relationship with (obviously all options that have crossed my mind)…

        The problem is by the time I find someone I’m attracted and have some kind of “thing” with I will be wrinkly and my tits will be in my shoes 😂

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        Rather Than …

        Noticed that mistake

        Brain fart lmao

        That’s what happens when I type too fast lol!

      3. Peekay says:

        Dr Harleen…I struggle with the same thoughts on engaging in new relationships and I too believe that I am only sexually attracted to narcs and sociopaths. I am still struggling to go no contact as I am most likely an IPPS now demoted to IPSS who he will never let go…he will tell me to never talk to him again one week and then text me like nothing happened the next week…it’s a vicious cycle that only gets worse but so hard to escape from. The longest we have ever been no contact was one month in the past 7 years and that just took place this past July because he thought me calling him one night was going to get him found out by his new IPPS. I am in constant pain with this man!

  10. ava101 says:

    After deconstructing everything bit by bit I have actually forgotten what I liked about my exnarc. Can’t remember anything.

  11. Scout says:

    The old saying rings true: ‘Treat them mean to keep them keen.” Narcs do this but it’s meanness on steroids. There’s nothing worse than falling in love with someone who has faked, lied and deceived on an emotionally monumental scale.
    If we keep looking back there is no opportunity to share our lives with a deserving lover. Hard as it is, letting go is the only way to get our life back and find future happiness.

  12. WOW, I think Sarah has a point. I can’t seem to stay away from this site, though it sets off triggers that makes me feel like I am walking through land mines. It helps in one way, but causes me to regress in another. I know if I don’t fuel up on the knowledge I find here, then that emptiness will consume me and I will lay in a bed of self pity and depression, which I despise. I hate it that I want to get even, want to hurt him, yet long for him to break the silent treatment and no contact to attempt another hoover. Sometimes I think only a lobotomy is going to cure it, because he creeps into my thoughts and mind daily.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The best medicine tastes foul. This is how you cross the emotional sea.

      1. Thanks for that H.G. your comments reassure me and help me to stay the course.

      2. penny dropped says:

        I really hate this ever-presence. I do not want to waste another second of my time even thinking about him, but I realise that my whole life must have indeed ended up revolving around him and his shit (we were together for 5 years in total. I was IPPS and had moved in to his house 3 years prior)

        …. so 10 months after the ‘devaluation phase’ escalated massively (whereby I instinctively tried to cling to what shred of self worth I had telling me this was badly wrong and giving minimal fuel for his machinations and manipulations)
        -8 months since ‘the penny dropped’ as to what the hell was *really* going on through finding H.G’s blog (and shutting off the fuel supply even more)
        -5 months since I was brutally discarded, and even that was drawn out in a push-pull way between Christmas and New Year (yet I was still having to live under his roof afterwards as I had nowhere to go, and very limited means…. I felt almost like a hostage).
        -3 months since I got away, and I have been absolutely no contact since, and I think very careful about what I say and to whom.

        I still, despite my best efforts to try and stop thinking about what should have been yet wasn’t, feel poisoned by him…. dispossessed, and like I’m living someone else’s life! I feel like I can’t enjoy the things I used to, because I’ve had to go through a process where I realised every single thing I did triggered a memory, or a sense of loss/fear/dread/anxiety etc…. everything!! and then I have to work through those feelings and rationalise it all *every time*…. shopping, getting on a train, the sound of a motorbike, a picture of somewhere we’ve been, a Facebook memory, hearing someone say a phrase, hearing certain songs, seeing a vehicle that looks similar…. it’s all just soiled and sullied every single thing we ever did!

        I don’t want to remember it! I’m not as anxious or tearful as I’m trying to process out the emotion and I definitely realise that I didn’t stand a chance given the narc/empath dynamic….. but damn this ever presence…. It’s there when I wake, it stays with me all day, and it’s there when I go to bed. He is still present in dreams, I wake in the night and it’s there. I just want it to go away! It’s not really that I’m longing for him, more that I feel infected…. I *do not* want him to be in my thoughts at all!!

        Why am I still stuck? Will this ever go away 🙁

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The simple answer is that because it is 3 months since you commenced no contact, it is not that long ago. In order to drive the emotional infection out and tackle what you are experiencing now, you need to drain your emotional thinking and I can assist you with that – email me narcissist1909@gmail.com

    2. Victoria says:

      Keep reading his books and articles as much as you can; the knowledge will empower you and give you the tools you need to understand that narcs don’t change and going back to another cycle of pain and confusion is the only thing they can offer. I also waited, after my last discard, for a hoover. I received 5 text messages in 3 months and not responding to them made me feel empowered for the first time. This was only possible because I dove in to reading as many of HG’s books as I could and secured a consultation after reading 10 of his books. It is the only thing that has worked for me and I am starting to finally feel better.
      Stay in No Contact-you will start to feel better every day.
      All the best 🙂

      1. I have purchased many of the books on Amazon, and I even fall asleep to some of the Youtube videos. The articles, I think,set off the most triggers though; the discoveries from reading them, and the realization that I was played for fool, all make me relive and rewind everything both good and bad. June makes 1 year post discard. I will definitely be consulting with H.G. because I have regressed terribly in the past couple weeks. I think once I get past the month June I will be okay, and I am saving my consultation for my “in case of fire break glass” moments that I know are coming. Thanks for the encouragement Victoria.

        1. Victoria says:

          Your welcome narckedoutanjl. I now realize that it’s a long journey going forward and sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to trust another person again. When I consulted with HG the first time he stated it would take some time to move on or have the desire to date again. He is right because after 6 months, even though I feel lonely at times, I still have no desire to date. Ever Present still lingers somewhat but it is getting better and less painful every day. Coming to this site helps along with reading the articles. It’s one day at a time and staying away from our ex narc that will keep us thinking logically not emotionally, which is what they strive for.
          All the best!

    3. Scout says:

      Narckedoutanjl, you have perfectly described how I feel with every word. I’m not comfortable expressing what I am going through on public forums. If I’d known 3 yrs ago what I know now I wouldn’t be here… The last time I visited my doctor, I told her I needed a lobotomy to recover from the toxicity. She couldn’t arrange that(!) so, for the first time in my life, she put me on a cocktail of drugs to get me through the days. My life’s now one long fog patch…
      I hope you heal.

      1. Thanks Scout. I have no choice to but come here and express myself. No one around me understands. My journal doesn’t talk back, and I work with therapists and shrinks in a small community where we all know each other. I feel trapped, so here is where I release all of that. One of my colleagues told me to pursue a male therapist, and social media led me to H.G. It took a while to post, but it’s like releasing pressure off the brain- relief so I can sleep. I have an Rx, but I won’t take it.

  13. Anonymous says:

    To be fair, I’ve had this “not being able to get out of my head” thing with all of my ex-boyfriends, even ones that were relatively normal, or simply run of the mill assholes. It just takes time. I’ve said to my friends that in a way, this is the easiest break-up I’ve ever had. With the other guys, I always wondered “what if” but with him, I know he is nothing but a liar and a cheater and none of it was real. Of course, after four years, I can’t just stop thinking about him altogether but as soon as he enters my mind, especially if this happens when I try to go to sleep, I quickly think of something else from my past, preferably something that happened before 2013.

  14. aero5678 says:

    I think narcissists are demonic and they infect us. That’s why we can’t get them out of our head.

    1. AH OH says:

      alien Reptilian

  15. ava101 says:

    How did you learn this, HG?

    1. K says:


      Much of what they do is instinct, however, I grew up with lessers and there isn’t much, if any, golden period at all from what I have witnessed. And if there is a GP, it is short lived and, potentially, not very memorable. This isn’t the case with the MR, and with the Greater, it would be a tsunami of emotional destruction. Every time I reach for my box of tea, I see HG tips instead of PG tips, how’s that for ever presence? The Greater’s influence can even permeate the internet.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        HG’s Tips are throughout my books and my blog articles.

      2. K says:

        You really are funny! Do you like to drink tea and, if so, what brand?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do drink tea. I drink either Royal Tea or Moroccan Mint Tea, both from Fortnum and Mason.

      3. sarabella says:

        hahaha HG tips…

  16. Sarah says:

    Because you keep posting articles, making us do so.

    Can we have some cocktail recipes tomorrow please?

  17. strongerwendy says:

    If something triggers a memory – and sometimes there are an annoying amount of them – I use it as a reminder to myself to be vigilant, heal, and push forward. Dwelling on it gets me nowhere. As we’ve been told, and must face, none of it was real.

    1. Suckerfornarcopaths says:

      You are exactly correct…see my earlier comment above. Another tough one is imagining or seeing them doing things with their new primary source that used to mean so much to you…it’s lime a dagger to the heart. However, one has to realize that those things, in reality, had little meaning to them though they meant so much to you…they were merely a means to imprint your mind and emotions, and nothing more. The same is true of those things with the new primary fuel source…and so, you have to teach your heart not to place so much value in them. I take those things out of the “love” column and place them in the “despise” column. At least, that’s what I tell myself, lol. It is easy to say, much harder to do.

    2. strongerwendy says:

      And I’m having to practice what I preach today. I’m moving – so packing and getting rid of things. Have had to gather many last vestiges of my ex narc (things he got me or we got together).

      I threw a lot of it out, sold some and donated the rest. It’s been rough to look at the items as I’ve been avoiding them and can’t let myself feel the pain that is heavily lurking or this whole move will fall apart.

      I’d honestly like to curl up on the couch and put a blanket over my head at this point, but must keep moving forward.

      None of it was real. Not any of it. Ever.

  18. Narc affair says:

    It is very hard to get the narc out of my mind especially during a disengagement almost always brought on by myself. Its physically painful. This is why we break no contact many times to avoid the pain and heartache. For me its not music but more stemming from where hes from california. Ive always loved palm trees and he zoned in on the fact i was fascinated where he had lived most of his life. He would share pics of beaches and certain landmarks. It was fun sharing it but when theres a disengage i cant hear about california or see anything in relation to it without the deepest pain. The association is too painful. I never realised how much there is out there in songs, images, movies, tv relating to california. Its crazy the memories or associations we have with the narc. It is very ingrained and they set themselves up so we cant forget them. It makes it really difficult to think straight and move forward. Its like a punch to the gut these reminders of them.

    1. Love says:

      Narc Affair, there is also smog, over population, crazy traffic, road rage, drought, and the most expensive cities in California. All that glitters is not gold.

      1. Narc affair says:

        Hi love…lol ty ill focus on those points 😄 I do love Cali but it now reminds me too much of him which is ok when were together but painful when were not.
        One year he went back home and facetimed marilyn monroes memorial site for me which is near where he used to lived. It was such a highlight as im a big fan. It was part of my birthday gift. The very next day he did something devaluing which tainted it 🙁

        1. Love says:

          Rumor is Marilyn was killed because she was carrying JFK’s baby.

      2. ballerina9 says:

        And the earthquakes! We haven’t had a noticeable one in a while…

        1. Love says:

          Stop drop and roll!

      3. Narc affair says:

        Ballerina…cant forget the earthquakes lol 👍

      4. Narc affair says:

        Hi love…ive read many rumors regarding Marilyns death. Ive also read a few biographies about her. She was another lost soul. Candle in the wind by Elton John sums it up. I think she got involved with the wrong people looking for the love she never had for herself. Its sad to see and all too common 🙁

    2. sarabella says:

      Yes, in many ways, I always brought on the disengagements. He told me that it was me doing all the destruction …. He was right. But yet he was wrong. He showed me who he was and I was just trying to destroy my feelings for him while tortured by the need to stay connected and bonded to him. But I could do that, knowing there were many others and knowing he would never make it public the way I needed. It was pure hell and yes, so physically painful. The worst pain in the world. I still wonder at it’s nature, it was so profound.

  19. strongerwendy says:

    Pin sharp crikey vision… 🙂

  20. Suckerfornarcopaths says:

    Each time I find myself feeling wistful and nostalgic for her, I force myself to shunt those memories and feelings aside…they cause me to doubt my interpretation of her behavior and actions and rationalize them in other ways. Instead, I force myself to remember how it was toward the end, the devaluation and the humiliation, because THAT is who she really is…not the person she presented herself as during the golden period. That is reality…the other was a facade. So far it seems to work fairly effectively…but just hearing her voice chases the resolve away and I am back to square one. Thankfully there have been no determined hoovering attempts yet. I am open to other strategies if anyone has any.

    1. giulia says:

      I read our last emails. Sometimes I do feel like revisiting the memories. It isn’t longing, just a need to find something to keep, for me, that tells me that not everything was to throw away. A testimony of what has been.
      So I go back to our emails and I read again all the confusion, frustration, hurt, loneliness, requests for answers, anger, exasperation….and his vague annoyed two words replies…polite and cold….and I remember, everything.
      It’s a dead end. Nothing there. Nothing.

      1. Suckerfornarcopaths says:

        I understand. I too have done the same. It is hard to wrap your head around the whole thing being a sham, a ruse. Part of me is always hoping to be wrong, to find some other logical explanation besides the one that is right in front of my face, because I don’t want to believe that it was all fake, and that 4 years was completely wasted. It is hard to be disposable…but that is exactly what we are to these people…disposable. Stop seeking answers there…and stop seeking solace there. It doesn’t exist. The only solace is in recognizing that we were taken and thrown away, and not because of anything we did or anything that is wrong with us…unless you count being too caring and too trustful as a flaw. There is a lesson in that as well, and I have to learn not to be too jaded when another possible relationship presents itself…yet at the same time I must also be vigilant. I know I am not capable of striking that balance right now, so alone I shall remain for a while.

    2. ava101 says:

      SFN, you can change this by using NLP techniques like fast phobia, swish, and others. R. Bandler has written good tools in one of his latest books, just look through the table of contents. You are also already doing another technique: replace good memories with series of bad ones. The memories you wish to keep or use, you make brighter, louder, bigger, sounding and smelling great in your mind. The ones you don’t want incl. Voice/auditory you let faint away, make it smaller, grey / black & white, change the voice to something inaudible or ridiculous. Rerun this as movies. Train yourself to look at good or wanted memories from an attached inside view, unwanted ones detached, from outside. After this, the real voice shouldn’t be so triggering anymore.

    3. Matilda says:

      “but just hearing her voice chases the resolve away”

      That’s why you have to go and remain No Contact as if your life depended on it. Because, in a way, it does.

      1. Suckerfornarcopaths says:

        Agreed…and thus far there has only been the one phone call, so it has been easy. The hardest was having to go and move all of my things out of the house…just the sight of her made my heart melt all over again. It’s sickening, and hard to comprehend having such intense emotions for someone who has devalued and discarded you in that way. I keep having to remind myself that I love a person that doesn’t exist…and never did.

      2. Matilda says:

        Yes, the hardest part of it all is to force your heart to see the truth… that this person has never loved you.

        It helped me tremendously to keep some of the most hurtful texts as a reminder, a reality check for those moments of madness when you want to reach out.

      3. sarabella says:

        I also had to find some of the things that would normally have filled me with compassion for him and instead, viewed them as things that made me far superior to him. Things that prior to this experience, I would not have ever viewed as negatives. He is just a poor nobody with a big attitude, likely full of STD’s and a tiny you know what… who would want him? No one, that’s right, cause no one wanting him was part of his pity play before I understood there was a REASON.

        It has takem me much resolve to turn his weakness in to things that make me a better person than him and always will be. I had to learn to devalue him…. take the things that are wrong and magnify them 1000 fold. Sad way to be but if I ever, ever let myself feel soft again, I will contact him. It’s that simple and pathetic. So I am building my callouses around him and feel quite ugly having done it this way but it worked I guess… been 3 months of NC from me (except I do look at his page but not a word from me).

    4. STOVER says:

      Mindfulness, meditation and new hobbies.
      I found that therapeutic painting worked. You paint your feelings with no goal to make a lasting piece of art. You’ll be surprised what comes out and if you do it while in therapy you will be able to see the shift in the usage of color and patterns.
      It takes some time for the brain to heal after the abuse.
      Each evening I weed my brain. Get rid of the bad weeds and plant new memories. Try to fall asleep thinking of new beautiful things. Imagine a little gardener walking around in your brain … it does help after a while!
      Big hug to you and I’m sure with time you can eliminate the ever presence…
      I’m not quite finished yet but many of my triggers have finally been replaced with good. Still food, music and shopping are the issues I need to deal with.

      1. Amber says:

        I color constantly. I have shiny pretty pens. Keeps me from drinking or crying or going insane. Now i realize why my mother always came back from her stints at detox and rehab centers with weird art projects. Apparently it’s therapeutic more than i realized.

      2. windstorm2 says:

        That’s a really neat idea, Stover, about weeding your mind. Now that I think of it, my mind looks like every garden I’ve ever had – wild and untamed! Wonder if I’ll have better luck weeding and planting my mind? Will give it a try tonight.
        The therapeutic painting sounds intriguing as well. My daughter got me interested in bible journaling as a legacy for our daughters. It reminds me a little of that. You use a special bible where 1/2 of every page is blank. You draw/color/paint/write on the pages to express your personality and your interpretation of what is written there. Her idea being that years later your daughter can look at your comments and artwork and better understand you as a person. And maybe gain new insights as well. I use this as a type of meditation.
        Thank you for your suggestions.

      3. sarabella says:

        I also think I got to a certain point where I was tired of this controling my life. I decided, I was going to control my life. I was so tired of the hurt. So tired of hearing myself feel what happened. So tired of how sad it was and how it just seemed like I would never get over it. I got sick of it in a way at last. Decided I had to kick it out for good. Wrote him a beautiful fuel filled good bye letter (but it did have criticisms, so it wasn’t all roses) and said I was saying good bye forever. Now, I will show him. I will finally show him I can do this. That is what is motivating him. I am going to show him that I am gone. He said for me to let him go, to move on. Ok, I will. It will make us both happier in the very long run. He was clear he didn’t care one pit if I stayed or went, so I will show him….

  21. Amber says:

    Especially if the person is a master dom and deconstructed you in order to rebuild you the way he believed a woman should be. I can now see why they have enclaves for slaves they’ve discarded who are too weak to re-enter society. Sometimes i think the FBI or someone should have a six-month deprogamming course for subs akin to what people exiting cults and terrorist groups go through. How one man can single handedly reprogram another’s brain to the point that she’s a permanent Stepford Wife, even after he’s left her, is just amazing. I would laugh, except for the knife in my chest at the moment… 😉 🙁

    1. Suckerfornarcopaths says:

      I realize that it is not the norm, and that the vast majority of readers here are likely women, but I would like to point out that women too can be narcs, and men can be empaths. I know, because that is my situation, and while it may be difficult to fathom, I have and am experiencing all of these same things…and it is highly destructive, no matter your gender.

      1. Amber says:

        I’m sorry. I hope things get better for you. 💙

      2. Overit says:

        yes I have been there too. For some reason I always try to pick out the female narcs amount the crowd. LOL Moved on a long time ago but recently had to deal with my daughter that she raised of being one too.

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