The Dirty Divorce
Divorce. There is a high chance of this happening when you have been ensnared by one of our kind. You might think that a narcissist would want to hold on to a source of supply and would never instigate divorce proceedings against their intimate partner who is a primary source. This is not a concern to our kind at all, for the following reasons: –
- It is your fault. It is always your fault;
- If we want a divorce, we are entitled to divorce in accordance with our sense of entitlement;
- We have a new primary source who we may well want to bind to use through marriage, therefore you need to be divorced. (There will be some of our kind who won’t let a divorce stand in their way and will commit bigamy but that is a matter for a different topic.)
- If you are financially superior to the narcissist, it is a means of obtaining our share, because we are, of course, entitled;
- If you are financially inferior to the narcissist, it is a method of denying you getting your share. You deserve nothing because you have failed us.
- There is no concern on our part that we might well be regarded as a failure for having to engage in divorce proceedings. This is because it is your fault and we are never accountable.
- We like to get in first;
- Divorce proceedings provide us with a vast range of fuel opportunities, from provoking you, gaining sympathy from our supporters, admiration from others as to how we are handling it and so forth.
If you instigate divorce proceedings, then our attitude to proceedings is governed by: –
- A massive sense of injustice. We gave you so much during the golden period and this is how you treat us?
- It is never our fault. You are a greedy, nasty, horrible person who just cannot be satisfied;
- Your action amounts to a considerable criticism of us. This ignites our fury and this fury will drive our attitude and behaviour towards you during the divorce;
- We will look to cross-petition for divorce by demonstrating that it is your fault and not ours;
- We will defend your divorce petition, because we have done nothing wrong;
- Your awful behaviour towards us provides us with material to smear you, “how could he/she do this to me after all the things I have done for her/him?”
- It provides us with material to maintain our façade by showing how “noble” we are (to the outside world) under such provocation from you.
Divorce proceedings are another stage for us to appear on, to draw fuel, to exert control and to manipulate. There is so much material for us to use against you and to our advantage. It is a battlefield which we relish appearing on. This process will be covered in greater detail in the work Divorce and the Narcissist along with steps that you can take to handle the process.
Given these attitudes to whether we divorce you or whether you divorce us, what can you expect in the arena of divorce?
- The allegations in the divorce petition (or cross petition) will be trumped-up, outrageous and designed to provoke a huge reaction on your part. It does not matter if there is no evidence to support these allegations, from our perspective the allegations are true because of your treachery;
- If you are divorcing us and we expect it (e.g. you tell us, you are doing it) you can expect us to evade service of your proceedings to slow the process down and to frustrate you;
- There will be a tooth and nail battle over finances;
- There will be the hiding of assets, diminution of assets and accusations that you have done this, not us;
- Documentation will be hidden, altered and destroyed in order to protect our position;
- We will deny the provision of documents and letters to slow proceedings down
- We will fabricate documentation in order to support our position;
- There will be intransigence over the most minor of items;
- There will be a battle over the children. This is nothing to do with their interests but all about fuel. This behaviour will draw fuel from you and is designed to maintain a grip on the children for further fuel manipulation;
- You will face repeated accusations concerning your mental health, propensity to violence, drink/drug/other addictions, multiple partners and sluttish behaviour, your neglect of the children. Invariably this is all projection;
- There will be use of lieutenants in order to support the spurious allegations at point 10;
- We will place heavy reliance on the façade to demonstrate good character;
- There will be considerable propaganda concerning the divorce with you being subjected to savage smear campaigns;
- Court dates will be missed, appointments forgotten about and such like in order to slow the process and provoke you;
- There will be agreements to engage in mediation. This is a sham, there will be no attempt to settle. The mediation will be used to hoover you for fuel;
- Spurious applications will be made to cause delay, expense and frustration;
- Repeated tactics will be deployed which aim to wear you down;
- There will be sudden attempts at reconciliation which come out of nowhere, but are usually a result of us feeling that proceedings may not be going our way;
- It may appear that an agreement has been reached but we will change details at the last minute or refuse to agree;
- We will renege on agreements repeatedly forcing you to further court time and expense;
- There will be manipulation of lawyers, court staff, court officials, court appointed experts and judges. This is done to gain fuel, smear you and preserve the façade;
- Don’t expect our lawyer to bring any sense to bear. He or she will have been hoodwinked and charmed by us. We will try and charm your lawyer too;
- You will be subjected to malign follow-up hoovers if matters go against us;
- We will make applications against you for restraining orders on trumped-up evidence;
- Everything you have said and done will be twisted and used against you;
- There will be no concessions, even in the face of overwhelming evidence;
- Out of the blue there may be “white flag” waving asking for you and us to talk without others being involved. This is just a ruse to hoover you and delay proceedings;
- There will be misrepresentation to third parties about what is happening in the proceedings;
- We will engage in apparent reliance on others for financial support in order to deny you anything.
Divorce is regularly described as a stressful and upsetting experience. What people fail to realise is that those divorces are the ones which involve our kind, it is just that nobody has spotted that that is the case.
19 thoughts on “The Dirty Divorce”
When he realised that I was firm in my decision about divorce I just signed the paper, he was emotionally abusive, the only way for a direct divorce without seperation is if there is any form of abusive so I asked for this kind of divorce because of the emotional abuse. When he saw I was firm he just signed it, no fight, is this typical narcissists or did i misjudge him?
I do not know if he is a narcissist as I do not have enough information to provide an evaluation. You described him as emotionally abusive and therefore to assist I will proceed on the basis that he is a narcissist (organise a Narc Detector Consultation for a definitive answer). He signed the papers because it suited him to do so, otherwise he would not have done so. In order to assert control and attend to the Prime Aims (these are unconscious needs) it served him best to sign the papers, so he did. If it served him best not to do so, he would not have done so.
It was a serendipitous alignment. Consider yourself lucky. Congratulations on your divorce!
As I write this I’m going through a divorce with my narc wife of 14 years. I was discarded along with our 11 year old child like a outdated television. She is a liar and cheater I believe she has been sleeping around with some of co workers. She moved out and a filed for divorce a week later. I have enacted a no contact policy she has tried to reach out a couple times but I refuse to talk to her. The last two times we were in court she has had her lawyer ask my lawyer when will talk to her wtf my answer is never. I suspect a Hoover is coming but I never let that pos back in my life.
I have moments when I’m jealous of married couples. 20 years ago my then narc boyfriend moved to Alaska two weeks after I told him I was pregnant. But, since I’ve only ever dated narcissists, any relationship I’ve had that could’ve resulted in marriage would’ve ended in hell. Single parenting has its own struggles every now and then but I feel very fortunate after reading about all the horrors people have been put through not to have married.
12345 may I be so bold to ask ? Did you grow up with narcissistic parents or in an alcoholic environment? And me too sometimes when I see happy families shopping for example I want to secretly trip them! Not really but you know what I mean xo
Hi Shantily! Yes, both. narcissists and alcoholics. I do know what you mean. I always have to remind myself how hard my mother worked to make us look like a happy, stable family. Image was everything. The very couples I get jealous of could be living in a narcissistic hell just like I did. I’m terrified of getting married. I’ve made it to two engagements but could never pull the trigger. Thank God I couldn’t. They were both narcs.
I struggle every day to accept that this is real and wrap my brain around it all . I fight the denial and the insane loyalty I feel everyday sometimes every min. A narcissistic parent? I just can’t even the mental anguish that would cause ? I struggle with my past of an abusive alcoholic father but …idk I pray you/we find solace and positivity somehow out of our pain sweetheart… all we can do is set a good example for our own children. From one single Mom to another? Cheers to you xoxo
The older I get the more I understand that almost all of us have some life horror that we have to walk through. You’re right, all we can do is strive for health for our children. Cheers to you, shantily❤️
This is my life exactly right now. His trumped up allegations and lies against me were ridiculous, so ridiculous that he had to file an amended motion to correct the lies he told they were so bad. How will that look to a judge? He is furious that I’m going after my rightful and lawful half, he believes what is ours is really all his and never was ours. He’s smeared me to our adult children, who are currently not talking to me. They agree with him that the property is all his and how dare I go after was is legally mine. It is so bad that I was disinvited to my son’s wedding. My husband knows no bounds to the hurt he can inflict.
LA, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have no helpful words but I just wanted you to know you are cared about. <3
My friend is going through divorce with a narc. Her assets – 40k. His assets – 2m. She wants nothing from him. He is taking HER to court for half of her little terraced house she rents out up north.
He can see the kids whenever he wants. They’re lucky if he has them for 1 hour on a Saturday. His choice. Yet HE is taking her to court for access. All games and mind fuckery. He employs a top end barrister. She has just sacked her low end solicitor and is having to represent herself as she is running out of money. He knows this. Not content on destroying her mentally, emotionally AND physically he’s now destroying her financially. The one saving grace is that every time she’s been to court so far the judge has ruled in her favour because his claims are ridiculous and hold no water. But this is about him bankrupting her. His latest game is to claim she left the police force only so she could deny him any money. She left the police force because she has 2 kids, one with disabilities! That and the fact he works in the same force from the same station. (And is incidentally now living with one of their collegues!) Yet SHE has to now try and prove her reasons for leaving rather than him proving what he claims. There is no justice. Her claims against him for domestic abuse have been dropped and her ex’s bosses refuse to pass the matter on to an outside force. Her ex plays golf with his bosses every week and they go on golfing holidays together. Go figure.
It boils my piss. She had to go into police station last week and I went with her. She was an absolute wreck. Had to leave half way through. She was only asking for a copy of her origional claim against him. It’s so bloody unfair. And all the time she’s in this state he’s playing happy families with her ex friend and collegue, living it up whilest she’s falling to pieces and the kids are falling to pieces. So unfair.
Ooh, looks like my anger is back! I like that.
I am that you ….wanna go to war let’s go to war !! Throw down the gauntlets… and duke it out. I worked in legal for over ten years you’d have hated me HG. I am that relentless gnat that you can’t seem to swat . Don’t give me a yawn!
Interesting…. I could add a couple or dispute some, but mine is a narcissistic psychopath so diff than a narcissist I suppose. Still, it’s interesting 👍🏻
Would a Narc be adamant against divorce in the event he was financially dependent upon the IPPS? Mine used to frequently make comments about he wished he was not married so he could do as he pleases without issue, but then would turn around and say that he would never leave his wife. Or is it all about fuel instead of being financially secure? Because he would never be able to make it on his own, he does not have much of a job.
The Residual Benefits are a key consideration as well as fuel and in in the cases of aging narcissists they become of greater importance. A narc would be against divorce if instigated by the IPPS (control etc) but may instigate it himself if he deems it advantageous (and of course he would seek maintenance as a further right and form of control over the IPPS).
My divorce exactly.
It was awful. He took my son on a trumped up charge and it took me 12 months to get him back. Only after I settled for nothing. Which was exactly the point.
It was so stressful. And continues to be. I hate him with every fiber of my being.
This is so spot on! My divorce took almost five years, One of the million things my ex accused me of was drug abuse and of course I countered that it was he who was the drug user, I had no intention of mentioning this as it was literally the least of my issues with him but the court ordered hair sample drug screens for both of us and I was clean and his of course was filthy! He lost all visitation rights at that point. Four lawyers actually ‘fired’ him, I had no idea that could happen but he made such a fool out of his lawyers by feeding them false info and then being caught in the lies that the lawyers wanted nothing to do with him. The crazy things the ex narc accused me of were so outrageous but the court had to investigate anyway. The last lawyer also tried to quit but was forced by the judge to finish out the case as the judge was disgusted with the whole ridiculous circus! I was so exhausted by it all I almost settled for nothing but thankfully my lawyer was not having that, What a huge legal bill the dumbass stuck himself with.