The Paranoia of Character Assassination
The character assassination. Close cousin of the smear campaign. Built on a foundation of lies also, hurtful and effective. The smear campaign is outward facing namely it is aimed at third parties in order to affect their way of thinking. A character assassination is directed to and at you. There are three ways of assassinating your character. The first is to say things to you which are unpleasant, demeaning and hateful which accordingly dent and wound your sense of well-being. The second is to do things to you which are denigrating, disrespectful and nasty which cause your sense of self-worth to be eroded, for instance failing to make you something to eat (so as to treat you as non-existent) or to make you engage in some sexual practice you find distasteful (thus causing you to cheapen yourself). Those two methods are obvious and directed. The third method is a particularly insidious and troubling way of affecting your character. We tell you that other people think badly of you, do not like and are saying things about you. They are not of course. We avoid or reduce any risk of you finding this out by saying to you.
“There’s no point asking them of course, they are bound to deny it, but trust me, I have heard them. They didn’t think I could hear.”
Furthermore, whilst increasing your paranoia and making you feel bad, we also seize the opportunity to heighten our own virtue with you by stating,
“Of course I don’t think that of you, but I thought it was only right to let you know what is being said about you.”
Naturally we do think this of you because this falsehood is being generated by us. Accordingly, we are able to avoid any blame ourselves (a key aim of ours) whilst landing several blows against you caused by fictitious remarks from other people and drawing fuel from your confused and upset reaction. There are five methods by which we create a perceived pressure generated by other people against you, as part of this character assassination by proxy.
- Everybody says….
Everybody is talking about you. They are all saying it. That must feel terrible to be the talk of the neighbourhood, the subject of village gossip and the focus of wagging tongues. Just think when you are walking to the corner shop those two neighbours stood on the lawn will smile and wave a cheery hello to you but as soon as you are past they will be talking about you. Yes, everybody says it about you. They will be talking on the telephone about you, gossiping in living rooms and exchanging views in that corner shop so they fall silent as you arrive and resume their conversation once you have left. Oh I know that they will appear pleasant and engaging as ever but believe me this is how two-faced they are about you. I have picked up on this. I have overheard the comments and some have even been mentioned to me. No, I won’t say by who, there is no need. Of course I defended you against what they said. It wasn’t pleasant at all but then being thought of as the local bike, the slut, the whore and harridan isn’t nice is it, but that is what everyone is saying about you.
- They all think…
It is a collective perception of you that has gained traction out there. A body of opinion that is being expressed and shared by many people. They think it at your gym, the think it at choir practice, they think it at the school and the supermarket and the garage. How do I know? Well, let’s just say that fortunately for you I have people who keep an eye out and a listen in for your benefit. No, there’s no need to thank me, I do it to look after you, naturally, but my small network of guardians, if you will, report things back to me from time to time and they have been telling me that they all think you have a problem with your temper. Yes, you have a reputation for being a bit of a volcano, one wrong comment and boom! Off you go. To be honest, I had my suspicions about them thinking this of you even before my network of guardians told me. It is the way they look at you. You probably haven’t picked up on it but there is an apprehension in their eyes, a nervousness in their speech and I saw it as it told me what they were really thinking, that they were afraid you were going to explode and lash out at them. I have seen it many times and I know what they are all thinking about you.
- You do know what opinion they have of you don’t you?
It is not a high opinion I am afraid. I don’t know where it comes from to be honest, I mean, after all, it is not as if they are really in a position to judge is it, but I guess some people forget about that when they are jealous. Yes, that is what is behind their nasty opinions. They take the view that you are a gold-digger, a mercenary who is only after one thing, my money. It is inevitable that they will form this view of course. I am successful, earning well and we have this beautiful house, two cars, frequent holidays and no concerns about our bills. I suppose they must look on enviously at the fact that you don’t work and you spend a lot of time shopping. Every time you pull up on the drive and exit the car with those bags from the boutiques it is no doubt upsetting them. You cannot help the fact you were lucky enough to get with me. I guess it really sticks in their craw the fact that you came from a, well how might I put this, a less well-off background and now here you are living a gilded lifestyle. I suppose they have this opinion of you because they think that you should not belong here. It is just jealousy and I have seen it before with people like this so I know what to look out for. You may just want to keep that in mind when you next deal with them, if you decide to do so at all anymore.
- They won’t be impressed with that.
I mean I put up with it because well we are together aren’t we and that is the nature of a relationship isn’t it, but I know from the way our families think and our friends that they will not be impressed with your behaviour. You didn’t think there was anything wrong with it? Well, no, but I suppose they will say that you are bound to say that aren’t you? They expect high standards I suppose. You have made a rod for your own back in that regard but doing something like that will not have impressed all these people. Oh I am sure they will soon get over it but I thought it only fair to tell you how they will view your behaviour. I can see it troubles you and that’s right because you are reflective in that regard but perhaps you need to think first before you do such things in the future. In fact, it would probably be for the best if you don’t go to those events any more yes? Indeed, I would suggest you keep a low-profile for a while in respect of people as whole and you would be better served by staying at home and keeping out of their line of sight. That way they might just forget about your unimpressive behaviour and you can move on. Don’t worry, you have always got me of course.
- It’s not just me that thinks….
I am only telling you this for your own good because I care about you but you do need to do something about your drinking. Look, I am reasonably relaxed about it, I know how hard you work and you like to unwind with a few glasses of wine. I get it but I am just worried about your health. You are often rather grumpy the next morning as well, you know short-tempered and you’ve been snapping at people, short with them. I know you don’t think you are but trust me, it is not just me that thinks it is causing a problem. A few people have remarked to me about it as well. Nothing major but we don’t want it to get out of hand do we? That’s how you get a reputation after all and you don’t want that do you. It is beyond just a concern though. I think it as well, but as I say I am looking at it more from a health point of view, I know others are concerned about how you are behaving with other people, including a couple of your colleagues so you need to think on because you know what can happen when people start to think things about you, it somehow becomes hard fact and that becomes very difficult to change.
The character assassination by proxy also serves a further purpose. It causes you to cling tighter to us. It is a horrible and uncertain world out there. People you thought liked you are showing that they do not. We are your only friend so you had better do what we want in order to keep us.
10 thoughts on “The Paranoia of Character Assassination”
OMG!!!! Bang on HG.
On the flip side HG, what kind of narcissist would view our questions, concerns or challenges of them, as a character assassination?
The story of my life! My ex told me that I am such a horrible, arrogant, loutish person and that this is what everybody thinks about me. Especially: my friends, my family and his family. He even convinced me there is a person from my close family that tried to warn him against me, but he would never tell me who that person is… And this is true what HG writes here – it made me cling to my ex closer, I thought: “he is the only person who knows me for who I am, he knows I’m good, he knows I’m fragile deep inside, the world outside is so hostile and cruel”. But deep inside I knew something is not right here… because I know my family, I know how much they loved me. It caused me confused.
But I would add one more remark here to what HG is writing – that by doing this, the narcissists wants you to believe that your family and your friends like him MORE than they like you. That they are on his side. He wanted me to believe it, making me even more anxious, more confused, more depressed in fact. On the one hand I felt: “Of course I want my family to love him” but on the other “why does he want them to love him more than me”. Something felt terribly wrong here…
Just a quick question HG Tudor – does Mid-Ranger really do it on purpose? Does he know what he’s doing?
Most of it is through instinct.
Yupp!!! .And every man that is friendly or kind is only being so as a means to try and f*ck you, they aren’t your friend at all. I really believed he was my very best friend for a while there….
Copy and pasted one of my last texts from the mid ranger …
I got a alarming phone call this afternoon saying I shouldn’t even being talking to you…..
Lol bang on HG ! Thanks to you I ignored it 🙂 what rubbish as you say in the U.K.
A particular sociopath might find it “below him” to hit a woman, but this does not mean that he would not hire a hit-man, or get his bloke, or assistant to hit, injure, torture, or murder her, instead.
He said something particularly cruel and hurtful the last night I was with him. He claimed they were words someone else had of me, freaking 30 years ago. I of course, pulled away in pain and it strangely, caused him to come after me to console me. Now your last point explained why. He delivers a painful blow, then he can console me. Only, I think it had an unintended effect. I think he was trying to do what you said, make it bring me closer, but it did the opposite. All I could think of was why ever would he rake up 30 year old hurtful stories? What kind of MONSTER is he? And then, to later tell me I didn’t understand and left it hanging. It was the beginning of the end for me and from there, I slowly went Super Nova Empath mode on him.
But I think you just explained what he was trying to do in the last piece. He was clumsily telling me see, those people caused me to turn from you decades ago, but you are here now, these are the awful things they said, sorry it’s hurting you, but let me hug you know to bond you to me … what a sick thing. What kind of freak to bring up 30 year old gossip and hurtful behavior of ‘others’ to create that illusion?
I finally got strong enough at one point to tell him that I think he LED the hurtful history. He always pretended he was a victim of peer pressure, but I am quite sure now, as I saw his behavior online, that he actually was a leader in how I was treated ages ago AND only because he is a NARC did he consider me still his to toy with and instead of loving me as he should have been to make up for it, before I realized he is a narc, he just hurt me more on purpose.
I think maybe you just explained the reason he did what he did the last night. It backfired on him as the pain was much to great for me to ever forgive him for causing again. But I always wondered, what point did he ever have for dredging up decades old history, knowing it was hurtful (he once acted sorry for hurting me) and then just leaving me hanging. Could it have been for what you said… “We are your only friend so you had better do what we want in order to keep us.” …. and keep him for hurting me before and again.