Dropping the Bomb
The dropping of the bomb is a common tactic of our kind. It is something that happens with regularity. It is an act of manipulation and one which you will recognise. Do any of these scenarios seem familiar?
The day before you are due to travel to the wedding of one of your childhood school friends, we cause an argument in order to avoid going, inventing some reason why this cannot happen. You are accused of not caring about us if you still wish to attend. You eventually end up not going, having to make some excuse as to why you cannot attend.
You are about to have a night out and we create some kind of emergency which delays you from going out or even prevents you from going. There is no emergency.
You have invited friends over for dinner. Shortly before their arrival we will create an almighty argument.
The night before an important interview we keep you awake all night, jabbing you with our elbow and insulting you so you are unable to sleep.
You are about to go away for a few days when we accuse you of having an affair, thus creating a scene, tension and upset.
Whilst the fact that we create arguments, cause confusion and generate drama is standard behaviour, when we engage in dropping the bomb, it is done at a time which is regarded, from your perspective, as a terrible time to do it. It coincides with something special or important happening which leaves the victim wondering why this always seems to happen when they are about to go somewhere or do something.
Dropping the bomb is an instinctive response by us to such situations. When something of importance is about to happen, we respond by creating a drama which appears to be designed to spoil the important or enjoyable event. There is no appears about it. It is a deliberate act. Why does this happen?
- Fuel. As you would expect, fuel is behind the dropping of the bomb. Causing upset and drama is always a near guaranteed method of gaining fuel but the dropping of the bomb is designed to heighten the fuel that will be provided. Just like the fact we build you up during seduction and then cast you down during the devaluation allows us to create a heightened contrast and thus maximise the potency of the fuel, by dropping the bomb at a time when you are expecting something pleasant to happen, or you are preparing for an important event, your response is going to be of a greater intensity. This increases the potency of the fuel. When you are looking forward to that wedding, excited about seeing people and enjoying the day, the dropping of the bomb means that your upset, annoyance and disappointment is more marked. We of course create drama even when nothing is happening, a quiet Sunday afternoon suddenly becomes a battlefield. That gains fuel. The dropping of the bomb however is a ticket to plentiful fuel as you react to having your excited anticipations shattered.
- Jealousy. Our almost ever present jealousy means that we cannot stand the fact that you are going to do something which you will enjoy and causes you to be put into the spotlight. Taking the example of the wedding above. Since it is your school friend, you are going to see people who know you well and may not know us particularly well. Attention will be on you which causes us to be jealous. If you have an interview for a promotion, we are jealous that you are succeeding, which in turns implies that we are not and therefore our jealousy rears its head. We cannot bear for you to be happy, excited or the focus of attention, unless it is to do with us. If your happiness if because you are anticipating a dinner party with your friends, that is nothing to do with us. In our minds, this suggests we are unimportant and inferior. We cannot allow that to be the case. Accordingly, our jealousy comes to the surface and this acts as the catalyst for us dropping the bomb.
- Control. By causing you to react through our dropping of the bomb we are able to remind ourselves that we have the control in the relationship. By causing you to decide not to go to the wedding because you feel obliged to remain at home with us, or you decide not to go and attend a friend’s engagement party because you are too upset allows us to exert control over you. We cause you to cancel your plans, alter your intentions and instead focus on us. This underlines that we are in control and assist in maintaining our notions of superiority and omnipotence.
- Anticipatory fear. Eventually you will recognise that a drama is always created before you are about to do something special or important. Of course, our victims do not realise the real reasons why this is, but insetad attribute it to selfish and spoiling behaviour, without understanding what is really behind it. What our victims do come to realise however is that since this happens each time you are looking forward to an event, they end up dreading what will happen when an event is on the horizon. Your birthday is coming up next week and you are just waiting for the eruption form us which happens every year. Will it be on the day, the night before or during the planned celebrations? You become anxious and nervous, treading on those well-known eggshells, looking to mollify us before matters get out of hand. Indeed, you often begin to adjust your own behaviour so that you decide it is just easier not to organise a birthday party, it is far less aggravation to turn down an invitation to go out rather than have to endure the drama which will inevitably come before you try to attend the dinner party at your friends and you make excuses so you avoid having to go to weddings, christenings and the like. Little by little, the dropping of the bomb causes you to fear the arrival of an event which is special or important to you, so that you alter your actions, reducing your interactions and slowly isolate yourself and allow us to tighten our grip on you. This process is insidious as you see friends less and less, family on fewer occasions and in turn you increase your exposure to us and our manipulations.
- Blame. This works in two ways. If you try to resist the effects of us dropping the bomb, so you decide you will still attend the wedding and even decide to go without us or you are going to host the dinner party still despite the fact we are storming about the house banging the doors as we go, we then accuse you of being selfish, self-centered and not caring about what we want. A classic dose of projection. These accusations of selfishness are the opening up of a further front for the purposes of trying to draw further fuel, to create a scenario which can be used against you in the future ‘I was ill and you still went to the engagement party’ and to add a further attempt to wear you down so you give in and change your mind. It is also done to avoid blame. We will drop the bomb, kick up a fuss, create a scene and dole out the drama and if you eventually give up and announce that you will not go, but you accuse us of controlling you or trying to spoil things, we will exhibit our classic contradictory behaviour. We may well have spent an hour arguing with you, telling you that you should not go and that we need you stay at home, but once you have given, if you point the finger at us, you can expect to be told that we did not tell you what to do, we don’t control you and that you made up your own mind not to attend. This will amaze you that we can be so hypocritical and is not only going to draw further fuel from you, but it will allow us to do our usual avoidance of blame. This again supports our notion of superiority.
- Effectiveness. When we have dropped the bomb a few times, we can see how effective it is against you in terms of affording us fuel, control and the erosion of your confidence. Accordingly, we know that it is well worth continuing to deploy this manipulation because it causes you such upset and hurt, as evidenced by your reaction. We know you will provide fuel, we know you will alter your plans and therefore the more you respond to it, the more we will use it.
The dropping of the bomb is a frequently used manipulation in our relationship with you. In order to counter it, you should learn to
- Recognise what it is;
- Recognise when it is about to be used;
- Not provide any fuel by not reacting to our sudden drama, argument or crisis;
- Do what you intended to do anyway. You may as well enjoy your event because we will cause a scene and make a fuss anyway;
- Do what you intended to do anyway and this sends a signal that the dropping of the bomb is not working, which like any of our manipulations, means that it will be used less.
101 thoughts on “Dropping the Bomb”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Hello HG,
I wanted to say thank you for the tips at the end of the post on how to counter the behavior.
Very good advise.
HG :
How different is a bombshell from a devaluation? The first Jekyll Hyde move he pulled was an alleged clarification of the nature of our relationship. So it seemed as he then just wanted to continue but now that I was clear he and i wouldn’t work as he was so far away. But then he resumed the emotional dynamic.
that conversation was a devaluation and also felt like a bombshell because up until then, all of our interactions were caring, loving, mutual, respectful. But in one conversation, he seemed to pull off all 3: bombshell, devalue, discard.
The bombshell forms part of the devaluation.
Superxena, my comment about emailing was supposed to be a response to someone asking about how to get the link to the WNAAD podcast interview with HG. For some reason when you hit reply on this site, your comment doesn’t go to the person you’re trying to respond to. In case anyone is still looking for that interview, you have to subscribe to WNAAD to receive it I messaged them on FB and they responded with the link to subscribe right away, but apparently it’s only free for a limited time?
@Dodo
Thank you Dodo! I realised that when I checked the link you gave! Yes, I have had access to HG’s interview at the WNADD.Thank you, I hope you had also had access to it!
My every birthday. Christmas. Our anniversaries. Valentine’s Day. My best friend’s wedding. My grandma’s funeral. Even our holidays abroad. All that ended up with him shouting at me and me crying…
“When we have dropped the bomb a few times, we can see how effective it is against you in terms of affording us fuel, control and the erosion of your confidence.”
WRONG! I’d rather drop dead than give in to such insidious behaviour. If you tolerate it, or worse, comply just to keep him happy, you *reward* him for bad behaviour! Like giving out treats to the dog that just bit you!
He needs to see that this behaviour is not acceptable and he will get punished for it immediately, and every single time. He needs to realise that it is in HIS OWN interest to behave. Consistency is the key here. That’s how dogs learn. And narcs, perhaps! 😀
Hi Matilda, the initial statement is not wrong. If you read it again, note reference to “how effective” thus in some instances it may be extremely effective and others less so, thus after a few uses we may find that it does not (unusually) have much effect.
Hi HG,
I read that statement differently (‘see how *effective* it is’ as in: him watching and thinking ‘marvellous how effectively it breaks her’; ‘seeing’ in terms of witnessing, if that makes sense). Upon reading it a second time, I think you meant ‘seeing…’ in terms of assessing/evaluating the situation in order to make a decision on how to proceed. A little lost in translation here, sorry! 🙂
In any case, when mine tried to sabotage my contentment, I went ahead in defiance, thinking ‘now more than ever’. My mistake was that I dished out punishments (dressing downs, silent treatments) dripping with negative fuel which undermines the effectiveness of the response! Arrghh! To this day, keeping calm is not my forte! 😀
Hi Matilda, I’m inclined to agree but only in hindsight. At the time I was unaware of what was happening and couldn’t comprehend why the bombs happened or where they came from. If I’d have had a name for that particular abuse I would’ve acted differently. Also if I had seen a pattern I would’ve acted differently. That’s the clever thing about narcs though isn’t it, there appears to be no pattern and therefore everything is seeped in confusion to the victim.
Of course, now I know I would never allow it to happen again as I hope 100% of the readers here would not. 😊
I fully agree, KCN! That’s the beauty of hindsight, mixed with the power of knowledge we now have. Yay!!
I knew it was not right, but, like you, I had no words for it. I just felt that he had no right to treat me in this manner… it was so *unfair* considering how well I was treating him. Totally naive of me, wasn’t it? 😀 😀
But we have toughened up! God help the next narcs who cross our paths! 😀
Or, if you’ve ran out of treats to give him, rub his nose inbetween your legs. I still have no idea to this day if it worked with mine, but I enjoyed it.
Yeah I know this tactic – starting fights or absconding altogether when we were supposed to be happy – Christmas, birthdays. My narc also very opportunistic though. If something unforseen happened he would suddenly flip.
“What are you doing Dahlia?”
“I’m ordering flowers online for my family because my uncle died”
Next thing, the death match starts and he absconds for 3 days because I’m selfish and never pay him enough attention.
And he didn’t even know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t be that upset about my uncle. He was frail aged and I just wanted to do something kind. He saw it as a great opportunity to hurt me at a time of potential vulnerability.
I learned a long time ago to never give the narc good news or achievements. That would always result in the ST. So I kept it generic. Tidied the garden, cleaned the oven, went to the doctor. All benign actions that didn’t make him feel inferior.
Watermelon… so true unless you neutralize it by mentioning them or self diminish it a bit. Ive gotten so used to this with narcs in my life. Some examples:
I got a raise this week at work. Its you that kept me going when i went thru this or that in the workplace.
I found this great deal online im so excited about altho i probably should save my money. I like it tho. Ill think on it.
I made this yummy banana bread the kids love. They do love yours tho! (Narc mil)
I joined a 10k run it should be a lot of fun. I hope im able to finish it tho. You should join me to cheer me on.
Always self diminishing. I learned this early on thru conditioning thru my narc mum.
I once was asked by someone why i couldnt accept a compliment without self diminishing it and it gave me a lot to think about. Instead of thanking them and agreeing id replace it with a negative. Ie. Your hair looks great. Me: thank you i rarely have good hair days. Im slowly breaking free of this and reconditioning myself that im worth compliments and am allowed to accept them fully.
Hi NA, I am exactly the same. I can’t accept compliments. It embarrasses me and I don’t believe the person who is saying it. Do you think it is all down to your narc parent?
Neither of my parents are narcs but I was brought up in a tough household that was never tactile and limited (negative) emotion was shown or allowed. (Told not to cry and told to just get on with it etc)
H kcn….yes most definitely i know the reaskn that i cant fully accept a compliment with ease is down to my narc mother. She conditioned me to feel i didnt matter and i cant remember a time she complimented. Maybe on one hand i could count the number of times she did. Im trying to change my inner dialogue and recondition how i think. I accept compliments graciously but i still feel narcish or selfish for doing so. As far as around narcissists im still cautious to accept praise bc j know how envious they can be and that means backlash punishment in some form or other.
Yes, some of those scenarios are familiar.
I would like to add that the narcissists in my life used to drop the bomb right *after* something good happened to me. It was as if they first would *allow* that something positive or good happened to me (they did not show any jealousy or envy) but right after the event, they would drop the bomb. This was done covertly. Their bombs did not seem to have anything to do with the previous event. However, if looked closer, there was clearly a pattern of behaviour.
They punished me every single time something good happened to me and they conditioned me into believing that something bad or horrible will always happen (to me, not to them) after a happy event and that I do not deserve anything good.
Talking to a psychologist was like talking to a brick wall.
This happened to me as well! Holidays too. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop ughhh.
On facebook when i post something personal im happy about and itd get a lot of likes and attention he wouldnt mention it but instead get very quiet and drop covert very mild snarky remarks having to do with other things. I know when hes in a pissy mood over something yet in the 6 yrs not once haz he admitted anger or insecurity instead its always me. That in itself is a red flag! He never has expressed anything other than being ok with everything yet covertly he will manipulate to cause so many reactions. It used to leave me thinking it was me with the problrm but i now know its gaslighting.
One tactic is he knows i have a lot of vegan friends so he will post things on my timeline that could upset them. I think this was to try and get them to stop following my page.
Ive felt intense envy at times and its unsettling.
Hi Narc Affair,
It is good that you noticed what is going on. No, you are not the problem. They will never admit to being jealous or feeling insecure. That would be letting you know about their weaknesses.
I think the reason some people do not talk about problems is because they have never learnt to deal with conflict. They pretend everything is fine and then they do something passive-aggressive.
As for FB, what about not letting him or other people post on your timeline? You can control what you want to appear on it.
You mentioned the holidays. I enjoy travelling and I used to travel a lot before I got married and my husband became ill. Every time I came home after a trip, it was hell. The narcissists I had contact with punished me as if I had committed a crime.
Hello E.B!
I found your comment very interesting. I do recognise as well what you describe about dropping the bomb after.
I think these are two different tactics:
Dropping the bomb before is to AVOID you being happy or doing something without their allowance or consent. To CONTROL you.
Dropping the bomb AFTER I think is because: (this observation coming from my entanglement with my ex narc):
1. They are jealous of you being happy since they DO ARE NOT CAPABLE OF FEELING HAPPINESS!. In my case he dropped the bomb after even though he was the one bringing me happiness!!!
And I as I writhe this I realise how absurd it is. But that is their to toxic logic.
2. Your are not allowed to get “comfortable “within the relationship with them since under their perspective, this will mean a risk for you not giving them the positive fuel with great potency or not as frequently. So they have to create the contrast and provoke a negative reaction from you. This I experienced a lot with my ex.Many bombs after we have done something together that made me happy. Most of the times were comments ,behaviour that HAD NOTHING to do with what we were doing or talking about.
3. My ex did this as well to cause confusion in order to maintain control!!
Toxic logic all the way!!
E.B. Were you entangled with a Greater?
HG:
This dropping the bomb afterwards made me think if this is present mostly on the Greaters? Since this is a VERY calculating behaviour?
Superxena…what yoi said about not being allowed to be too comfortable in the relationship i can relate too 100% it reminds me about the article about why they hate us content and calm. They equate it to us gradually taking them for granted and not supplying them with the potency of fuel. What it really is is fear of boredom and if theres no drama in some form the emotions dull. Dull is a big problem they need to feel from us. I notice every time i get too comfortable and content he initiates a trigger of some sort. Ive had to hide a lot of my feelings and keep him offguard which is so unatural.
Hello Narc Affair!
Yes, that is true…NOW ( thanks to this site and HG’s books) I understand what was going on..but THEN it was shocking: it was like being hit by a sudden thunder coming from nowhere!!!
I can summarise with two equations the main differences between my ex narc’s “toxic” logic and mine:
For my ex narc : A+B= LC ( Lose of Control)= lose of Fuel
For me : A+B = C( Confusion) = Addiction ( by him giving me and taking away.Back and forward,pull and push)
Two completely different operative systems ! Same elements but two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT results!!
I agree. And when you have no idea when the bombs are going to drop (how could you? They have no (normal) logic behind them) you live in a constant state of fear and anxiety. End result (for me) Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
sooo crazy making!!
Yes it is nikitalondon!! Now I do understand it …but not then. It feels of great relief though to know now what was going on.This understanding has helped me to move forward …to practice into a different “mindset”( as HG talks about on many of his books). !!
Hi tjere!!! hope you are doing well!
Hello nikitalondon!
Yes,I am doing fine.Thank you for asking and hoping you are doing fine as well!
Im great thanks. Normal struggles of öife… work, kids etc but happy 😊 . Be well 🎂
Hi Superxena, I can confirm my mid range did this repeatedly and was very good at it. Every holiday he took from work was so stressful as myself and my son knew we were somehow going to spoil it for him! We were both on our best behaviour throughout but we KNEW it wouldn’t make a difference. Even when he didn’t have anything he could say spoilt it for him he would tell us we did anyway. When challenged how we’d spoilt it he would reply “you know exactly what you did. I don’t need to tell you and I’m not going to talk about it” (meaning he had nothing he could possibly say) and we’d be punished regardless.
He had me isolated from very early on in the relationship with his bombing as it was easier to turn down invitations than deal with the consequences.
Its still unbelievable that that actually happened to ME. I was so head strong and mentally strong. I was obviously a challenge and he relished in breaking me and he did it with ease.
Crazy embarrassing shit….
Superxena your exnarc sounds like mine carbon copy! I used to wonder why everytime things were going well and seemed on even ground hed upset the applecart and now i know why. He wasnt getting what he felt he needed fuel wise. Boredom = low fuel. When were content and calm in the relationship theyre fuming feeling taken for granted bc their fuel to them seems to be diminishing but its lack of contrast and boredom. They need drama to feel contrast and the potency of fuel.
After every disengage due to something he did he seemed so happy and very attentive bc it spiked the fuel and validated my feelings for him. Saying i love you isnt enough they need to see it thru emotions like insecurity and being upset. Its very toxic their way of thinking.
Hello KCN,E.B,NarcAffair!
It is interesting to see how the tactics are the same and the information provided on this site and books explains in detail not just what happens but why!! Their need for negative fuel is astonishing…
and more astonishing is the fact that negative fuel is more potent than the positive since it is harder to extract from us empaths due to our nature!
I share with you as well the fact that at the end it was EMBARRASSING being with him due to his behaviours…that is why I left him…
Well..this corroborates that we are getting here the ” secret modus operandi” of the narcissist… In a very well explained and detailed manual!!
Now when I see it in retrospective after escaping him I realise how “pathetic” his behaviours were. And how pathetic his behaviours still are since he continues being on the same auto destructive loop with no possibility of developing in any way… There was no future with him..
Hi Superxena,
“Most of the times were comments , behaviour that HAD NOTHING to do with what we were doing or talking about”.
Exactly! This is why it can be so difficult to realize what it is going on. When I told other people about it, I was not believed. It seems too far-fetched. Their behaviour does not make any sense to us from our perspective but it makes sense when I read the articles explaining how narcissists think and behave.
I have noticed that some narcissists cannot stand to see other people happy, enjoying something or worse, having fun with other people. It seems our contentment or happiness triggers them.
No, I was not entangled with a Greater but this behaviour can happen with Mid-Range narcissists too. They are passive-aggressive.
Hello KCN,E.B,NarcAffair!
It is interesting to see how the tactics are the same and the information provided on this site and books explains in detail not just what happens but why!! Their need for negative fuel is astonishing…
and more astonishing is the fact that negative fuel is more potent than the positive since it is harder to extract from us empaths due to our nature!
I share with you as well the fact that at the end it was EMBARRASSING being with him due to his behaviours…that is why I left him…
Well..this corroborates that we are getting here the ” secret modus operandi” of the narcissist… In a very well explained and detailed manual!!
Now when I see it in retrospective after escaping him I realise how “pathetic” his behaviours were. And how pathetic his behaviours still are since he continues being on the same auto destructive loop with no possibility of developing in any way… There was no future with him..
Superxena,
I agree with your comment and congratulations on leaving him! Yes, it is embarrassing, especially when they are making a scene in front of other people. At the beginning I was glad the narcissists did it because I thought their behaviour would reveal who they are. Unfortunately, this has not been the case. It is surprising that if a narcissist throws a tantrum, mocks his target or shouts at her, the audience does absolutely nothing to help and remain on the narcissist’s side. If I we did the same to a narcissist, we would be the abusive, crazy, mental one without empathy and feelings. I hope that someday I have the strength to leave this hell.
Hello E.B.
Thank you! And thank you for your answer. I sometimes do not have the time to follow all the comments so I unfortunately do not know so much about your “story”. I have all ways had the impression that you are a very determined and strong person ( from some of your comments I have read ) . Sorry to hear that you are still in that hell. Escaping him was not easy..it went through hell back and forth..so I understand you.. You will make it..I am sure about it!!!
Yes, I experienced shame of being with him many times..specially with my “real” friends…Unfortunately the narcissists ( at least the upper schools) are very good in ” winning” people on their sides as one of their premeditated manipulative strategies..they work them out through time..and you appear being the crazy one. You do not see it coming until it is too late. They plan everything from the beginning to make it like this. Fortunately I could keep my real friends on my side who gave me support through this…
If you want to share with me: why haven’t you been able to leave him?
Hi Superxena,
Thank you so much for all your comments and for your kind words. In my case it is not about a romantic relationship. I am a tertiary source to them and it is more about female aggression. I do not feel comfortable writing about them on the internet.
I totally agree with what you said about narcissists being so good at manipulating people to get them on their side. Yes, it can take a long time (sometimes a year or longer) until notice it. It is unbelievable when we see our friends siding with the narcissist although they barely know him/her. I am glad to hear that your friends are on your side, Superxena. Unfortunately, most of the people who smeared me were successful.
Hello E.B.!
Thank you for sharing! I do understand that you do not want to talk about it here. Too sad that some “friends” believed the lies of narcissist instead of believing in you. But look at it this way: then they were not your friends and not worth to keep them.
I had to give up some “friends” a long the way…but fortunately those few who I really care for stayed with me…
I caught on pretty quick to this manipulation, and it’s never stopped me from doing what I want to do anyway. You see, this isn’t my first time around the block with a narc. My first relationship had me completely isolated from anyone that meant anything to me and I promised myself I would never let that happen again. I’m currently in disengage pattern with my husband (for about a month now) and the thing that ramped it up was me going to my cousins graduation in WV without him. He didn’t go because he hates my brother.
My Mid-Ranger would always send photos picturing him having a good time with a bar/concert full of women in the background. If I didn’t keep texting him back out of jealousy (which was the fuel he wanted), he would start asking what I was up to for me to not be messaging back quick enough. Or he’d text and say “I’m really drunk”, as if I should be worried someone might take advantage of him, or vice versa. He went mad at me once for going to my work’s Christmas party, saying “I didn’t go to my work’s do out of respect for you”.
Hi Sarah!
I got the exact same thing. I got the same pictures and texts!!!!
At the time I could not figure out why she wanted to make me jealous. It always worked because I played right into it.
Now I know it was all for fuel and control.
Hello Snow White. The exact same pics as I got? Can you send me the one of him all sweaty and hot in that busy bar, wearing the black shirt? I’m due a wank.
I’ve mentioned an ex, not the narc but another guy (from wayyyy back) who used to do this. I remember when my parents flew over from England to visit me and within a day or so, he broke up with me, absolutely leaving me devastated. I couldn’t eat, I lived on coffee and cigarettes for 5 days. Any time something good was about to happen, or he wasn’t the centre of attention he’d break up with me. It was a form of control/punishment.
One day he broke up with me for the most ridiculous reason and that time I packed my bags (thankfully I still had my own flat, but spent 98% of my time at his place) and walked out, never to return.
I looked on him as the wizard in the Wizard of Oz, he had to portray himself as a larger than life/frightening guy and rule by force when really he was a tiny little scared man. And this guy was 1,000 times nicer than the narc.
This was a regular occurrence to the point that I would DREAD my phone going in case it was family or friends wanting to do something. It didnt take long for me to work out that me/us going out and having ‘fun’ was not worth the consequences so I turned all invitations down this allowing him to isolate me more and allowing friends and family to declare that ‘Id changed’ and not for the better. They felt like I thought they weren’t good enough anymore. If course I wouldn’t have dared text or call them first either so double the impact of me apparently ditching them. While I’m losing friends and family members has looking like a saint publically telling me to ‘get myself out with my friends’ arggggh!
The one thing I can’t understand though is he did this when I had an important interview. He started a row about absolutely nothing. Another WTF moment that I couldnt even understand what he was talking about let alone what he was having a go at me for. He did the same on the induction day.
Was this because I had something other on my mind than him? If that was the case it worked as I spent both the interview day and the induction unable to concentrate properly because the events of that morning (him) were occupying my mind.
Was it because he couldn’t stand the thought of not being prominent in my mind HG?
Thanks
My ex never did any of these. Shows you that there is definitely a personality spectrum of narcissism.
There’s a surprise.
Hello Jenna!
As hard as it might seem…the first reaction when I found this blog was of complete DENIAL .Reacting exactly as you do now…I used to say :” No he never deavalued me like that,he never did that to me”. After some time I realised it was not the case! If you really want to be free from your exnarc perhaps you might consider just sitting for a while and reflecting about:
1. Why are you on this site? Something had to motivate you?
2. If you had (big ) fights with your ex narc reflect why was that happening?
3. The “bombs” or the swithching from hot to cold usually happen without you even noticing it. In my case the first time it happened was so subtile and refined in form of a “harmless” comment that was supposed to be a joke! It was nothing harsh and disrespectful as you think they might be. Very calculating…It depends perhaps on the type of Narcissist you are with ( school) but mine was a Greater.
4. With time I learned not to react since that was exactly what he wanted me to do and eventually I left him since I lost all respect for him.
If you feel like sharing: did you have fights with your ex? And what were those about?
Worth reflecting..you are certainly going to find out many of these bombs and how they were fired on you …..not even noticing it!
Best wishes!!
Currently experiencing one of those bombs now!! Suppose to meet for dinner at 8. It is currently 7:57 and no word. I’m sure some emergency has happened. Ugh so frustrating!
HG, would ignoring him for a little while be a reaction? Would that provide fuel? NC is not an option at this point but ignoring him when he contacts me is normally what I do in this situation. Or would acting like nothing is wrong be a better non-reaction?
Ignoring him provides no fuel and it will wound.
Excellent, thanks!
Hi Mercy, my mantra….
The best F*$₩ you is silence.
I agree Karen, I’m learning that well. And it’s so much more fun than pretending everything is fine.
I used to say all the time “dropping bombs” all the time in reference to this behavior lol!
It drove me crazy!! He managed to destroy every special event that was focused. He also managed to upset me in some way before I was going out somewhere or had something important to do.
I sometimes managed to kill his plan of dropping a bomb which really pissed him off! Unfortunately for me I couldn’t foresee alllllllll of his bombs.
I decided to meet up with new friends very early in our relationship. He tried to get me to cancel the plans and I reacted with disbelief and of course(!) I went,
He called and texted almost nonstop until it ruined my night and I left early. Yes, I began to anticipate this behavior and yes, I did modify my behavior until my new friends faded into the background and he became my only extracurricular activity. That’s when the real devaluation began. Wow.
Thank you, HG. You have made the narc so clear in my mind that there really is no way I wouldn’t know what I have on my hands if I met another. I am forever grateful for the work you do. You have helped me recognize that which is in me that craves the narc and gives me the goal of eradicating that “inner beast” — or st least dealing with it in a more healthy way. I’m sincerely grateful.
My ex did this frequently. The first time was was when I was headed to the beach with my family.
She texted me every minute that I was gone. She was working the overnight shift so she made sure to keep my interest overnight. I hadn’t even been in the car for a few hours when she told me that she was going to enlist in the army. She said it was something that she had always wanted to do and now might be a good time. She was good at creating anything that would instill panic in me that I wouldn’t have her around. I was always afraid that one day she would really leave me. She told me that recruiters came in on her overnight shift and she was ready to go in and sign the papers.
The whole story worked because it kept all my attention on her for the whole trip. I was always begging her not to go anywhere because I was lucky to have her as my best friend and I never wanted to be without her.
When I think if these stories now I can’t believe how she had me convinced each and every time that she just might go through with it.
Threatening to move was another bomb she frequently dropped.
Hi Snow White, 🙂
It is nice to see you here again! Hope you are well. I wondered what had happened to you as I did not see you posting in the past months. Have you been using another screen name (K or theletterafterj)?? How have you been lately?
Hi E.B.!!!!
I am doing ok! Thanks❤️❤️
I have missed all the readers here and HG. I did continue to read though. I also wonder what happens to some of the readers when I no longer see them around. I find it very comforting to see people stuck around here and to learn about their experiences.
I reached my NC anniversaries in April and May and with that came sooo many emotions that I had to take some time off from posting. The last year has been a long one and recalling everything that had happened was overwhelming.
I decided that I needed a hobby and distraction so I decided to start lifting weights and work towards bodybuilding. It has helped because it takes up most of my day and I feel a strength that I never had.
I’m trying to work on body, mind, and soul.
The body is going great and HG and this blog takes care of the mind but I’m having a hard time with the soul part. Lol
How are you doing?
I hope your summer started off well.
Snow White,
I am glad to hear you are doing well! Other readers have been asking about you too. They will be happy to see you again.
Congratulations on your NC anniversary! It is not easy to keep it during the first two or three years but it gets better with time until the narcissist is away from our mind and soul.
Some narcissists are like a flood tide. We see the real damage after the water subsides. I can understand that you are still struggling with your soul. I think it is too early to get over it. If you do body building you have to follow a strict diet, right? Vigorous exercise helps too. I used to take step classes (at an advanced level) and they were far better than aerobics. No time for intrusive thoughts.
Those overwhelming feelings and emotions are part of what you have gone through. The end of the relationship (from our point of view and not the narcissist’s) is a loss and some people find grief work helpful to deal with the emotional pain.
I am fine, although sometimes too tired and going through the motions. Thank you for asking. It is not possible for me to avoid entering some of the spheres of influence completely since both sociopathic families live next door, one on the right and the other one on the left. Moving is still not feasible for different reasons. I am following HG’s advice. My anxiety has been reduced considerably since last year when I first came to this blog. Reading here gives me the validation I did not have anywhere else and it helps me not to lose my mind. There is at least one narcissist in almost every household in the place where I live and there is no real friendship among women. Relationships are based on residual benefits and keeping the fake façade only. I consider myself lucky to know at least someone who is an empathetic individual without feelings of envy but she lives in another country.
Hello E.B.!!!!
I am happy to be back around again. Thanks for the congrats!! Anyone who makes it to the first anniversary knows what a tough year it is. And it doesn’t end. But just like you say it does get easier.
I am on a strict diet. All clean eating with zero sugar and a lot of protein. I found out that I was addicted to sugar just like I was with my ex. LOL…. sugar was easier to kick though. I am in the weight room 5 days a week lifting and doing interval cardio training. It has helped tremendously. NO intrusive thoughts in the weight room because I’m too focused and that’s what I needed. I remember HG talking about the wrong focus and it was a good lesson. I had to take the focus off my ex and put it on me. For most of last year all I could do was focus on what she was doing. It took 10 months to put the focus back on me.
I still have a long way to go.
The loss you talk about is real and not many understand it. It is very painful to mourn someone that is still alive and someone that you didn’t want to be without. Some days I still cry over losing her even though I know it it’s what’s best for me.
You are extremely strong to be living right where you are. Having to see what you see on a daily basis must be difficult. I’m glad that you have stuck around for the year and your anxiety has gone down. Is there something that you are doing that has helped? Anytime you want to talk you can just respond to my posts. We all need the validation and it has been a lifesaver for me too. Take care and stay strong.
Sending you hugs. ❤️🍎❤️
Hi Snow White,
Thank you so much for your kind reply and support! 🙂 I appreciate it very much! It is nice to hear you are doing well and you are mentally stronger than before.
I am sorry I did not respond earlier. I looked at my email account on the internet yesterday and found your reply of 18th June and also NarcAngel’s in the Spam folder. These two comments do not appear in the notification panel (bell) at WP.com either.
It is not easy to find food without some refined sugar on it nowadays, except for fruits and vegetables. Body builders like you have a good developed self-discipline. It is more about disciplining our minds than our bodies but there are things we cannot always control like intrusive thoughts.
Yes, we focus too much on the narcissist instead of on ourselves. There is good advice in Exorcism. My case is different because it is not about a romantic relationship and I do not know what kind of malignant hoover the narcissist or a member of her family will deploy next. Female narcissists are more spiteful and vindictive to women than they are to men. Their wrath drives them to the point of utter madness. If necessary, they will find someone (usually a man) to kill their victims to avoid being prosecuted and going to prison.
One of the things which can help is to do some self-care. Preferably any activity which requires 100% concentration like what you do at the gym. This varies from individual to individual.
Another thing which I find very important and has helped me improve my health is to identify and name feelings and emotions instead of supressing them. Karla McLaren’s list (the author of The Language of Emotions) helps to identify them as I am not always sure of what I am feeling. Here’s the link to her PDF file:
http://karlamclaren.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Emotional-Vocabulary-List-Color.pdf
Yesterday I created an email rule to send all emails coming from this site to the Inbox. Hope this works.
Thanks again and hugs to you too! 🙂
Boy I sure know about this one!! Silly me, asked before a very important online assignment that would gain me an interview with a great organization, to please give me space so I could ace the assignment. NOPE! That’s the last thing that happened. Of course, didn’t get the interview. Don’t understand this sabotage. …as don’t they want you to be making lots of cash ?
Also got the weird while-sleeping-random-hits. Mine was his toes tickling the bottom of my feet in the middle of the night till he tried to wake me up. I’m not always as stupid as he thinks I am though. He tried to “wake” me up for quite a while ….
I told the Narc that I got a raise, and he immediately wanted to know what Im doing to the boss to have earned a raise….my 70 year old boss…Whenever I meet with my friends at their houses, its because I am “swinging” with their husbands…so pathetic.
for me it’s the “like” functions and re-blog button that are missing if that helps you with live support, HG
that said, does anyone have the link to HG’s WNAAD interview? I cannot find it
If you email them they’ll send it to you ….that’s what I did yesterday & I received it right away
Hello Dodo!
I have problems as well with several functions..Which e-mail address did you use to send wordpress a request? Thanks!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EtGNXwuoYUU
I saved this link — not sure, but I think this may be it.
I can’t like comments but I can reply. Like the new look as well, HG.
Back to your blog post now 😊
Yes, dropping bombs, setting land mines, throwing grenades, it is a war zone at times….bombs before important dates or events….yes!!! Great article, HG.
HG… What I am seeing, in the news feed on WP, is that all the posts I subscribe to, except yours, still have the “comment” icon. YOUR posts do not have that available any longer…. one must “visit” your actual Narcsite.com, in order to read and post comments. Don’t know if you made this change, or if WP did… but like I said, its only your posts that have comment icon missing. If you’d like, I can screen shot it and email to you…
I haven’t made any change.
well, someone did… if it wasn’t you
Complaints have been lodged. An engineer is engaged in live support with me now.
check your inbox…
Will we get the notification bell back to be able to reply to readers responding to our comments? I’m afraid I’m going to miss a reply. I found one that did not show up in my emails.
It’s with WordPress.
HG, you may want to post a “WP issues” article, so people can view the latest there.
Hi Clarece, I have the bell but only on WP. Not on narcsite. You don’t?
Ballerina (and others)
I have had repeated conversations with the ‘Happiness Engineers’ at WordPress. This is the position.
1. Yesterday the site migrated to a different plan to allow greater flexibility in the provision of information, more space for media, greater security and for other reasons.
2. The migration resulted in some issues at my end mainly with statistical information as data migrated across. Those issues are now resolved.
3. People have explained they can no longer like a comment. WP have explained this feature is no longer available with the new plan. I don’t know why that is, but that’s why you cannot like the comments. You can say as such in a comment instead.
4. People have explained that the notification bell has disappeared. WP have explained that this feature is no longer available with the new plan. I do not know why that is but you can sign-up via e-mail to receive notifications when someone has responded to your comment etc. The bell remains on my toolbar however. Again, other than the fact that I am special, I do not know why the bell remains for me and not for you, but that is why it has gone.
5. Those who have stated “all their stuff has gone” or they have “lost their comments to reference and go back to”. This is little difficult as it is unclear what people actually mean because of course what you see is different from what I see. It is evident that this must be a consequence of the migration. I assume that since this “vanishing” the problem has not persisted? I know the comments remain on the blog for all to see.
6. With regard to those who have been getting the scam notice about a virus – a phishing ping back has been identified by the blog’s security and this has been removed. It is unclear if that is what was responsible. Repeated scans have found no other issues. WP have suggested this is likely to be a virus on your device as opposed to anything to do with the blogsite and recommend you take steps on your relevant device to get rid of it.
Hahaha…only you HG can crack me up with a techie answer.
#4 …move over HG and share the “specialness” as I also still have my notification bell working.
Unless of course it only alerts me to YOUR answers ☺
Thanks for the updates. So silly they removed all the best features.
I am pleased to know your bell is ringing for you Ballerina9.
Oh HG… but it only matters when you ring my bell, naturally.
True but never call me Quasimodo.
If you don’t call me Esmeralda…
“Happiness engineers” haha!
Of course you get to keep your bell because you are special. Bet it’s golden too!
Platinum since you asked.
Of course. Silly me.
Well pffft! That’s rubbish! You must immediately set up you own version of WP – which naturally will be infinitely better – and reinstate all the things we are missing.
People who change stuff arbitrarily should be roasted over hot coals!
As if by magic the Like button appeared!
That is because your generous host went and found one for you.
You rock 🙂
I would have replied earlier but I was not notified of a response. I did not get any email to notify me of new comments, despite ticking the appropriate box.
Badly done WP, badly done.
I was also unsubscribed from your blog😞
Easily remedied. I have raised these problems with WP.
So relieved, thank you so much HG.
Hi…HG
I noticed you updated your website. By adding twitter comments and top pages. Also, not sure if related…I am not able to do certain functions, as like posts. Is this an issue for any others. Thanks.
You can like the article but for some reason not comments. I have raised this with WP.
Yes, thank you for validation and reply HG. It worried me. I resubscribed.
New format looks great btw…esp, with the language translations too👍
I remember one specific event we were to attend. A retirement party for a co-worker. Because he didn’t really know them, he wasn’t thrilled to attend with me. First it was no, I’m not going. Then, yes I’ll attend. When I said, fine stay home, he was all about going. He was a miserable ass fart the whole time! Embarrassed me actually. When we got in the car to leave he laid into me hard! It was screaming at me the whole way home. We didn’t attend anymore functions after that fiasco!
This so happened. Whenever I made plans to meet my sister (we don’t see each other often) he’d start being a massive twat. Not about the meeting up, that wasn’t even mentioned, but just some random reason. So each time I met my sister, I was in a bad mood or upset. For the longest time I thought it’s just a coincidence – because I didn’t assume anyone’s this low and I didn’t see what he’d gain out of it – but then I started to catch on to things and told him it’s a bit suspicious. Of course he denied it. I actually once even told him that it’s a bit sick how he seems to enjoy when I’m upset and he called me crazy, saying only someone insane would assume another person would find joy in my pain, ha!
thank you, that explains why he frequently elbowed me in the head “in his sleep” during a certain period… and of course, woke up claiming no clue he’d done it, no memory of…
the rest i’m familiar with and yes I have, since leaving him, wasted too much time “waiting for the other shoe to drop” or that bomb… mind you having had services dangled in front of my nose only to be withdrawn by professionals after leaving the ex has not helped that one bit…made it worst really…
W