What Do We Feel?

 

WHAT DO WE FEEL_ 

It is often said about our kind that we are effectively dead. This refers to an emotional demise. This emotional demise is linked to the perception that we do not feel. This state of emotional deadness is also connected to the concept that our kind feel empty, that there is a vast chasm inside of us, a howling wilderness where there is nothing. If we are emotionally dead, what caused that? Who or what might the slayer be? Is there any prospect of resurrection? Do we feel nothing? Is there this all-pervading sense of nothingness inside of us?

I am not emotionally dead.

Why do I write this? It is because I do feel things. I feel the burning harshness that flows from criticism of me. I feel jealousy when people are listening to somebody else in the group and not me. I feel envy when I see a car that is superior to mine. I feel frustration when I am not causing someone to do as I want. I feel hatred for those who have turned against me and through their perfidious treachery they seek to do me harm. I feel the fury when I respond to the criticism. Those feelings are strong, visceral and real. I also feel power. I feel that familiar surge as the first flames of power spark into life, brought into being by the application of fuel and then they grow. The surging sensation increases and courses through me, invigorating me and edifying me. It drives me forward, causes me to feel like I am bursting as it enables me to shine, to dazzle and to perform. The intensity of this feeling is substantial and not only is it necessary for me to feel like this, it is addictive.

What then of those other emotions, sadness, joy, happiness, fear, concern, compassion and so forth? Where are those emotions? They are absent. I do not feel them. I have seen in those around me certain responses and listened to people describe them so that I know what happiness looks like and I know what it feels like to you, but I do not feel it. It is clear to me that when you feel happy, I feel powerful. When you feel joy, I feel a greater sense of power. Accordingly, it is correct to state that in respect of those emotions I am dead, or is that entirely accurate. For something to die it must first have once lived. Something must have been there to begin with and then have vanished, been obliterated or removed. Was I once happy and then the capacity to be happy was taken away from me? Who removed it? Was it the act of someone else or did I decide to strip happiness from myself and arm myself with power instead? Then again, is it the case that certain elements of my emotional spectrum are not dead at all but instead I have experienced some kind of emotional paralysis. Are those emotions somewhere but they have been halted, capped, muted? I know from my reading and observation that, for example, compassion appears to be learned from others. Was I once learning to be compassionate and then for some reason it stopped and has never been allowed to develop again? Was I once able to experience joy but then that was stunted and halted and kept from me?

Alternatively, it might be that with regard to certain emotions I am neither emotionally dead or emotionally paralysed. In both those instances it must follow that the emotion was once there but has either been removed (death) or halted (paralysis). What if the emotion was never there to begin with? What if I was created without the capacity for joy, for sadness of for compassion? What if I was created in a different way? What if my creation and development meant that it was necessary to forgo such emotions in order to facilitate a certain way of being which allowed me to achieve and accomplish more effectively without being hampered or hindered by such emotions. I have no concern for who I might tread on, on the way up, so I climb that much quicker and that much higher than other people. Might it be the case that in order to have those who excel in so many fields it was necessary for us to be denied certain emotions to ensure we were effective? I readily admit that not everyone who is a leader in their field, an achiever and a winner is necessarily one of us, but we are over-represented. Even if someone might not be regarded as one of our kind, I know that they will possess more of our traits and to a greater degree than they do not. Perhaps this was a necessary trade-off so that the pioneers, conquerors and leaders would advance but at a personal cost in terms of the provision of certain emotions. Perhaps we were never granted those emotions to begin with? Through my increasing awareness with the good doctors I am forming a view.

Do I laugh? Am I amused? Do I have a sense of humour? Yes, I do and I know I have an excellent sense of humour (aside from when you do not do what I want or criticise me). I have been asked what do I feel when I laugh? If I am laughing along with others at something I have said, then I feel power because I am being fuelled. What do I feel if I laugh when I am watching a comedian on stage or on television? I laugh because I know it is expected of me in such a scenario. I laugh because I can work out that what was said was witty or amusing, but I do not feel any power. I do not feel any uplifting sensation in the way that you have described to me. Often I feel a sense of unrest and the clamour of jealousy because people are laughing at someone else’s wit and not mine.

What do I feel when I see one of my country’s athletes securing gold at the Olympics? Am I proud of them? I know to say the correct things to provide recognition for their achievement but again I feel a sense of envy that it is not me on that podium receiving the accolade of the crowd in the stadium. I can see you sat next to me clapping and smiling and I am jealous that you are clapping this person on the television and not me. I can feel the first prick of the wound because your applause for them and not me suggests they are better than me and thus you are criticising me. I feel the need to tell you about my sporting achievements so you give me praise and thus the criticism is abated before it has caused too much damage and before my fury is ignited. I may instead allow the fury to ignite and find some way of lashing out at you so you react and provide me with your attention through being hurt and upset. This is why on so many occasions you will be doing something with us that is pleasant and enjoyable and then in the blink of an eye an argument has come out of nowhere or a brag or boast appears linked to what we are doing. I cannot feel happy for that athlete. I can acknowledge the achievement because he is a winner and I love to win. I will acknowledge the achievement and apply what I have learned in order to show the correct feelings if I am in a situation where it would not be appropriate to unleash some heated fury, for instance if it would crack my façade, but I will be desperate to bring the conversation or attention onto me by remarking how I won gold in the country championships as a teenager or start talking about my latest achievement at work.

What do I feel when I see an advert for a charity on the television? Am I moved by the images and the mournful accompanying soundtrack. Do I feel pity, sympathy and compassion? No, I do not. I feel nothing. If I hear you making sympathetic noises then just as in the example above I want your attention on me, not on the orphan on the screen. I may comment about my charitable work so your praise me. I may pass a scathing remark about how it is a waste of money because very little of the money donated actually reaches the person who needs it, the bulk of the money being swallowed up by administrative and advertising costs in order to make you react. I may go further and blame the subject of the charitable activities as culpable for their own predicament in order to bring a heightened emotional reaction from you at my callous remarks.

I do feel. I feel many emotions and many emotions I do not feel at all. I also do feel a sense of emptiness which I seek to fill through the sensation of power. I need to fill up with this power to remove this sense of emptiness. This emptiness makes me feel uneasy and unsettled. I feel like I am disappearing and that by gathering fuel to make me feel powerful I am asserting my existence again. I am recognised, venerated and lauded.

I know what I feel. I also know what I do not feel. I have an awareness and growing understanding of why I feel as I do. I have an awareness as to why I must act as I do with regard to those feelings. I am ascertaining and working out why I feel in a different fashion to you. I understand my need for power and what it does for me. I understand the effects of this power and the consequences of its generation.

I am not the walking dead. I am walking towards something.

140 thoughts on “What Do We Feel?

  1. Desiree says:

    So if someone genuinely loves you, you don’t understand what they are feeling? You can’t love back and you will never know what it is to genuinely love someone? You can’t even understand how powerful that is when someone genuinely loves you? You can’t understand that this person will never want to harm you and will protect you to the best of their ability? That they willingly will be loyal to you? How is that possible?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I understand that people love me and they do so genuinely and intensely. I do not know what that feels like but I cognitive have some idea of what that means. I am empty inside, there is nothing there. I do not feel love or happiness, regret or sadness. They are strangers to me and with good reason.

      1. Desiree says:

        What good reason?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          So I am effective.

          1. Desiree says:

            Ah yes effective….except all the effectiveness in the world will not allow you to have the emotions you’re lacking. If you can’t have emotions, then how can you feel hurt?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I did not say we have no emotions. I stated we have certain ones missing.

          3. Desiree says:

            Yes, but I’ve heard you say that you can feel wounded, Idoes that mean hurt to you or does that mean anger?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Yes we are wounded, see the book Fury which expands on this for you.

          5. Desiree says:

            Yes, I know about your books. I’ll check them out. So, if you can feel wounded, that’s a lot like feeling sad.

          6. HG Tudor says:

            Please do, you will find them very helpful. It is not like feeling sad however, Fury will explain it for you.

          7. Desiree says:

            My husband is a narc or at least a half breed if that exist. He you’re to pieces my daughter’s baby pictures. I love my daughter dearly and will place her first in my life. I think this bothers him. He recently now also trashed my very expensive studio pictures of her when she was only 15. I cannot understand how he could trash something that meant so much to me and that I CANNOT replace. He will not take responsibility for it. His apology was fake. I saw right through it. I knew because when I asked him to repair the damage (my mom luckily saw the pics in the trash and saved them) by taking then to a studio and reframing and hanging them up again, he just went into a raging fury, called me a fucking cunt and my daughter a prostitute. I told him that he was having another episode of craziness and that it would be best if he moved. Walked away and left him there screaming. Haven’t spoken to him since. He is still living in the house. I wish he would leave already.

          8. Desiree says:

            So you say that you have friends but you cannot love. So how do you have friends when friend are people that one loves.

          9. HG Tudor says:

            I do not need to love them. Indeed, you need not love someone to be friends with them. I accept that some people do love their friends but it is not a pre-requisite. They are NISSs but I refer to them as friends as that is common term for them.

          10. Desiree says:

            Forgive my ignorance, I’ve only begun to learn about this topic. What in the world is an NISS???

          11. HG Tudor says:

            Non Intimate Secondary Source – a friend, colleague, family member.

          12. Desiree says:

            Have you ever been in a situation where you’re in danger, sick, or in need of help? Did someone come to your rescue? If so, what did you feel when they helped you? And vise versa, what would you feel and do if you saw someone in need for your help? Why or why not?

          13. HG Tudor says:

            Yes.
            I often deal with the matter myself. If someone assists me then that was what was required and they were discharging their obligation towards me.
            If I saw someone in need of help, once I had worked out they would need help, I would determine whether I would provide that help or not in order to secure the best outcome for me.

          14. Desiree says:

            What motivates you to answer all of my questions?

          15. HG Tudor says:

            Pride in being accurate.

          16. Desiree says:

            Well, I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you. You might be inadvertently enjoying helping others. I pray God gives you all the feelings you are lacking….I pray he allows you to feel just as much as he’s gifted you with writing. I hope he takes you under his wings and gives you all the love your mom didn’t give you and additional love so much love that you can feel it not just have an empty understanding of it….I hope you get to feel the most powerful feeling God has ever created, LOVE….You are missing out….that’s tragic…and no human should ever have to go through that…..You will be healed.I pray he heals every single wound that was inflicted to you as a child and made you a narc.

          17. HG Tudor says:

            I don’t but feel free to think that if you want to. I appreciate your kind sentiments nevertheless.

          18. Desiree says:

            From what I understand, a narc is more effective at performing certain jobs, like the firing of a friend, I read that piece, etc…however, for the most part narcs are effective at destroying people’s lives. Scenario: if narcs succeeded at destroying all non-narcs there would only be narcs left, and if that happens what? You’d all either destroy each other (since you don’t even have loyalty for your own brethren) or you would die a slow death because you’d have no fuel? I mean think about it, really give it some thought, how would you survive without non-narcs? How much power would you have then? How effective would you be? …..would you realize that it isn’t even necessary (all this power and rushing high you get from it) to survive. I wonder what a narc would do in that situation? Would he or she survive?

          19. HG Tudor says:

            There will always be empaths. Also narcissist provide fuel to other narcissists. See ‘When Narcissists Collide”.

          20. Desiree says:

            What??! Narcs provide fuel for each other? ….kryptonite fuel?….Yes, I can hear you now..I most read the book…this is mind blowing

          21. HG Tudor says:

            Of course. For example, if we erupt with fury that will provide fuel to another narcissist if they caused its ignition.

  2. Joseph says:

    HG,
    Many narcissists do not have awareness of narcissism and fuel but they must know they are not “normal”. Even if they have never felt sorrow or joy and many other feelings they must wonder how others are able to feel these feelings. Do you think most narcissists are aware that they are different? How old were you when you first realized that most people have all these feelings that you don’t feel?

  3. June says:

    Wow, this was such a fascinating and powerful article to read.

    I can’t feel any pleasure from touching another person or being touched, only a growing sense of discomfort. As far as my parents and I know at least, I was never sexually abused, and according to them I have been like this since birth.

    I don’t tell people about it, because of those reactions you mentioned…them thinking I’m somehow damaged or broken or dead inside. (sticks middle finger up at those people in defiance)

    I wonder sometimes what it must feel like, and sometimes even have a fleeting wish for things to be different…then I hear my mother, moaning and miserable about how she can’t get a date (sometimes even in song…dear God…and she sounds like a dying cat), and I thank the gods that I’m free of THAT. 😀

    I do wonder, often, whether there is a purpose for people to be the way they are. My father. My brother. Me. (Different conditions, but all would be considered out of the norm.)

    I had heard that there are many, many more than the national average in the upper echelons of the corporate and political world who could be diagnosed as narcissists and/or sociopaths or psychopaths. I could easily imagine how a lack of any form of empathy and an inflated sense of self-worth could make them more efficient at many of those jobs. 😀

    I don’t quite know what the purpose of my, uh, quirk is though. Then again, looking at how I dealt with my family falling apart (rather badly), being effectively rendered asexual probably saved me from a LOAD of depression and self-destructiveness after failed romantic relationships. And there would probably be many. Possibly spared any children I would have had from being hurt by my dysfunction. I can’t help but hope there’s something a bit more positive though.

    Sorry about that not-about-you tangent, HG…though it was you that inspired it. 😀 I just needed to get that out. I’ll return to the topic at hand now.

  4. jenna says:

    Windstorm, HG apologizes if the situation requires it as a manipulation technique, and he’s a greater. But all narcs are different and there’s definitely a spectrum.

  5. Maddie says:

    Sounds like extreme insecurity to me. I would hate to live this way…ouch. Thanks for the insight. I hope one day you are healed from whatever caused you so much pain.

  6. BraveHeart 💘 says:

    HG, do you or anyone in your family (immediate/extended) have videos of you when you were a baby laughing and having fun? I watch my 4 month old granddaughter smile and laugh and nothing that she may experience in her life can ever deny her of that perfect innocence right now, at this moment. God forbid, if she were to grow up in a Narcissistic environment, I could see the possibility of that dying or becoming paralyzed. But today, as she is now, as an infant, she knows joy and laughter and it would be interesting to know if you were the same way when you were an infant. It seems to me, most infants know these emotions naturally.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No Braveheart they do not.

      1. strongerwendy says:

        TheY didn’t take pictures of you as a baby?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I was referring to the videos.

  7. Ursula Rhys-Corell says:

    No emails concerning new blogposts for days. Felt like a big hearty silent treatment…
    So glad to be back here again…
    I love the description of your range of dark emotions very much, HG. I’ ve read the article again and again since february when I discovered your blog and it has lost nothing of its grip on me…
    By the way: I really would like to have a Button saying “Devoted Follower of HG Tudor” to integrate on my website.
    Couldn’t you/we create something like that?
    Hugs! Ursula

    1. jenna says:

      Even i’m not getting all comments in my email😫
      It used to be music to my ears hearing the posts coming in 💗

  8. Narc affair says:

    Interesting article and really gets a person wondering what a narc actually feels and their thought processes in relation to those feelings. Narcissists really are a different breed altogether. It must be unsettling knowing youre different in this respect and i could see where negative fuel would serve as a reminder that you can feel along with positive. It reminds me a bit of a person with depression where they are numb and dont feel motivation or happiness like others do.
    I think its a combo of genetics and upbringing. There are serial killers who never had abuse in their background yet felt no empathy and were sadists. They were like this from a young age hurting animals and enjoying causing pain. They are the psychopath narc and are just further along the spectrum. Many were born that way yet many narcs did experience a cold abusive upbringing and learned their behavior.
    The empathy factor is definitely missing. I have heard that narcs can feel “cold empathy” where if it relates to them directly theyre able to identify with whats going on and be empathetic but i think thats just a version of knowing how one should react to a situation and will do so because it has to do with their own interests.

    1. jenna says:

      NarcAffair, “It reminds me a bit of a person with depression where they are numb and dont feel motivation or happiness like others do.”
      That’s it! I think u nailed it! Do you feel motivation HG?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I am highly motivated.

    2. Narc affair says:

      I stand corrected with the motivation part. Actually i can see thats not the case. Im speculating of course bc im not a narcissist so i dont know exactly what they feel but i know from dealing with mild depression in the past that you can lack emotion and almost be in a numb frozen state. Its a perplexing feeling bc you know you should be able to feel but its like its not there. Its unsettling and you want to feel but you dont.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        Narc affair,

        Well said. That is exactly how I feel – nailed it lol.

  9. Marie Powers says:

    Excellent piece that answers a very commonly asked question in the support groups to which I belong. Definitely a keeper for future reference and validation. Thank you for writing this!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Marie, keep seizing the Powers.

  10. Not So Sad says:

    HG .Word press and you site is messed up .

    The Like button is highlighted in BLACK . I had to sign up again .

    Emails not coming through but now your links to Twitter are . I think I can reply.. but It the way it is I cant even look as it is ,

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The like button is meant to be like that because I added it since the migration to a different platform took the other one away.

      1. Not So Sad says:

        Thanks for clarifying HG 🙂

  11. M. says:

    I can relate to the emptiness. I can relate to the power, although I call it temporary fullfillment. I am ego-centric, now more than ever. And, after two narcissists in a row, I know I can hate too. Oh, so deeply and deadly. I read you, I read you, I absorb you, I learn and I think and I wonder, how much of a Narc have I become? What have your brothers done to me? But, HG, I have known happiness. I know how it feels. The most elevating, the most powerful feeling in the world -you would appreciate the absolute power it gives. I have felt love. Wanting to melt into someone else’s self without being afraid-I cannot describe it better. And I can feel sadness, oh, that is for sure. Still, I am not sure. I am a Harry Angel, who still doesn’t know who he is.
    The certain thing is that the future ain’t what it used to be.
    Also, I can relate to Depeche. They have been the soundtrack of my life.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you M. I am pleased you relate to the mighty Mode also.

  12. Scout says:

    Oh what an extraordinary situation with WP. One minute I can see nothing, then see stuff but can’t ‘like’, now I can see all posts and for the first time, I can ‘like’ peeps comments! 🙂 Long may it last.

  13. Scout says:

    Oh! What happened to my post? I used to be able to see them whilst waiting for moderation, now I can’t see it. HG, was my comment unsuitable for posting or is this another WP glitch…? Thanx

  14. jenna says:

    Regarding sense of humour, we would be watching the most hillarious movie, and i could not stop laughing. I look over at him and he has no expression on his face. How could he not find that funny, i thought to myself? This happened on several occassions. However, he would laugh out loud at you tube videos of pple pranking one another eg. someone pulling a chair away so the other person falls to the ground 😖
    I thought it was childish and a bit odd. Perhaps my second big red flag?! 😦

    1. Mine would wait for a cue from someone else before he’d laugh. If someone else laughed, including me, he would start laughing loudly and obviously falsely. He had no idea. I couldnt understand it at the time but obviously now I can. It used to drive me mad as he would either over laugh or under laugh or not laugh at all and it would be so apparent to everyone there.
      However now I understand I can’t help but pity his struggle.

      1. jenna says:

        Karen, you pity him? I pity my ex too but that is slowly changing due to his sometimes unexplainable and perhaps deliberate behaviors. But then he apologizes the very next day. So i start pitying him again. Sigh…

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          What is this with so many of you all talking about your narc apologizing? My husband never said he was sorry for a damn thing! Ever! (Even when it blew up in his face and he probably was sorry 😄). He never wants sympathy or pity. He’d laugh his head off at the idea of him wanting “forgiveness” for anything! Pretty sure he views with disdain any man who tries to change a woman’s mind with a pity play or false remorse. His arrogance would never allow him to stoop to that. He relies on his intelligence to manipulate others. Now that doesn’t at all mean he doesn’t lie. He lies like he breathes, but never in a way that makes him look pitiful or look mistaken. Is that just because he is a greater cerebral?

        2. Hi Jenna, at times yes but it’s dangerous to do so and I pull myself back out of empathy as quickly as I can by reminding myself what damage he did to my son (child trumps husband everytime) The more I learn and the more removed from the situation I am the more my empathy towards him grows. I would never ever go back but my empathy to him makes me weak and that’s dangerous.

          1. jenna says:

            Karen, i’m sorry your son suffered. I despise pple who hurt children. That’s why my heart goes out to HG, because he was hurt as a child. And HG doesn’t hurt children like other narcs do, though i think sometimes he hides their xmas gifts lol! It’s definitely better you stay away frm him for your son’s sake.

          2. Hi Jenna, oh yes. I would never go back on my NC.

  15. Scout says:

    Thanks HG, for another very insightful blog. NPD may not be a pleasant subject but it is a fascinating one. To be honest this resonated with me and I’m trying to work out why. HG, you mention things I understand; the jealousy when others are appreciated and applauded for example. To my mind the lack of positive emotions are a reflection of insecurity. I recall, as a child, looking for validation from my parents. My sibling was my mother’s favourite child and she got mother’s undivided attention. I was love starved while the other was encouraged and smothered. This led to anger and frustration.
    HG, do you think these emotions and those lacking is based on the validity you didn’t receive from your parents? I did come to the conclusion that my narc was always looking for validity to his existence from his mother, something she never gave him as I understand it.
    Keep walking tall HG, you will get there. 😊

    1. Scout says:

      Btw HG, this is not a direct criticism to your kind I’m simply thinking out aloud and trying to relate.

    2. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Scout, it is evident that the lack of validity has had any impact.

  16. jenna says:

    You are not emotionally dead! Who told you that?!😠

    But even my ex says he feels an “emptiness of mind.” He didn’t know what it was until i told him it’s called narcissism, 2.5 yrs later (after my research). He had also said he never feels happy or sad. Well, he can feel sad for himself if in depression though.

    1. Scout says:

      Narcy too showed genuine remorse/sadness when he was in a depression. There was no sadness for other peeps except for his daughter and young granddaughter, but I never really understood whether those feelings were genuine or not.

      1. jenna says:

        Scout, mine was so sad he was suicidal for about 10 months. Not anymore. He feels superior again.

  17. Dodo says:

    Personally, I do not agree that compassion is strictly a learned behaviour. I was adopted and know now that I’ve met my bio family that a lot of things are definitely genetic. I was never allowed to have a pet growing up, so did not learn how to act towards animals. I always stopped and fed horses grass and pet dogs on my walk to school each morning. I didn’t do that because I wasn’t allowed to have pets, I did it because I have always loved animals, which is very likely the reason why I was denied one.

  18. DJ says:

    HG do you ever resent us for our comparatively huge spectrum of emotions or do you just enjoy the power you feel by evoking them? How many can you identify and specifically target to suit your fuel needs? My ex was particularly good at guilt but I’m pretty sure he was a mid range so no shock there.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do not resent you for that wide spectrum, I see it as a hindrance to you. I can identify many. When you say your ex was particularly good at guilt, do you mean making you feel guilty or that he appeared to show he felt guilty?

      1. Ms brown says:

        Yes, hindrance was the word I was looking for in my above comment about emotions holding one back….

      2. DJ says:

        I mean that his favourite tool in the box was manipulating me through my own (usually misplaced) guilt. I suppose it makes sense that your kind see our emotions as weakness as without them your manipulations would be completely ineffective.

  19. Stevie says:

    I think some are born with it, others are forced to be this way by senior narcissists.
    My sister was born this way. I have never seen her happy without it being used to manipulate. It’s always been a fake. As a child, her techniques weren’t refined but they were very good. She knew when to laugh and when to lie but she had raging tantrums if she were confronted.

    She is in no way more superior than any other. Yes, she makes more money, but her personal life is secretly a mess. Does that make her superior? No personal happiness? Her happiness depends on the reaction of others. How is being dependant on me making her superior?
    If I spend a week alone, I am content. If she spends a week alone, she becomes angry and aggressive about why everyone suddenly hates her.
    She needs people to feel anything positive. I possess it all on my own.
    Yes, she is able to accomplish more than me due to her lack of conscience. Like stealing from people’s homes or abusing her children to make sure they don’t get ahead of her.
    Why would any normal person want to be accomplished by holding others down. It’s not a genuine success that way, is it?

  20. I never had a bell like you are mentioning but everything is as always, except the comment box is smaller.

    Just to say that this is one of my favorite articles of HG. I have my own reason for liking it and it goes a long way in helping me understand the why’s of a certain person in my life. Many thanks.

  21. Twilight says:

    HG
    Is your blood negative or positive? I know off the wall, yet I have been reading some seriously off the wall articles as of late, and a comment reminded me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Negative

      1. Twilight says:

        You do have my attention. Curious if I may ask what blood type?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          AB-

          1. Twilight says:

            Intriguing
            Thank you HG

          2. Windstorm2 says:

            How appropriate! Only the rarest for you!

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Yes, so go and give blood!

  22. Gman says:

    Do you have alexithymia as well?
    The narcissist I was involved with seemed to have this, and dropped out of therapy I suppose due to not understanding her emotional experience and so not being able to engage in therapy according to the therapists expectations. I found her to suffer from a dysphoric mood as well as apathy and a generally deadened inner emotional state.

    Apparently narcissists have enhanced autonomy relative to the average person and that is the trade off for the blunted emotional range and depth.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No but I can understand the relevance of why you asked.

  23. Siobhan G. says:

    HG! That image is perfect with your blog post. A child lost in a vast wilderness…..or a child dominating…his surroundings, as you did as a child…did you create this image yourself?

    HG. You do not feel emotionally dead, right…as you survive and thrive on the emotions that empower you, correct? The emotions you do have.

    The emotions we empaths feel would make you less effective, I would imagine. Yet they can empower us feeling…love, joy, fear, even sorrow.

    Will we find out what you are walking towards HG…in upcoming article or book😉

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You will find out in due course.

  24. 12345 says:

    HG, when you went to the good doctors were you relieved to have a diagnosis for why you didn’t feel certain things or did you already know? I know for me when something is wrong with me physically I get to the point where I don’t care what it is anymore…I just want a diagnosis so I can get on with it. Even with depression, I just wanted a diagnosis because I knew something was wrong as I wasn’t behaving like people who weren’t depressed. If you have written about this in a book please refer me to it. Thank you!

  25. Indy says:

    Hi Ballerina9,
    Word Press!!!! Arrrrrr
    I actually noticed my FB was just hacked too, at the same time. Now I am more concerned. Still no message bell and not like buttons on this page. I have started creating new passwords for everything. I am hoping everyone’s electronics are OK. Ugh! I have an iPhone7, so I am wondering if there is something up. (I noticed this virus pop up earlier days ago, not sure if it is related.) I am definitely not a techie, so I really appreciate your advice. (Rebooting)

    Indy

    1. Star says:

      Same here for me too Indy! Exact same things going on and my Facebook was also hacked. I wonder what’s going on????

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I have had repeated conversations with the ‘Happiness Engineers’ at WordPress. This is the position.

        1. Yesterday the site migrated to a different plan to allow greater flexibility in the provision of information, more space for media, greater security and for other reasons.
        2. The migration resulted in some issues at my end mainly with statistical information as data migrated across. Those issues are now resolved.
        3. People have explained they can no longer like a comment. WP have explained this feature is no longer available with the new plan. I don’t know why that is, but that’s why you cannot like the comments. You can say as such in a comment instead.
        4. People have explained that the notification bell has disappeared. WP have explained that this feature is no longer available with the new plan. I do not know why that is but you can sign-up via e-mail to receive notifications when someone has responded to your comment etc. The bell remains on my toolbar however. Again, other than the fact that I am special, I do not know why the bell remains for me and not for you, but that is why it has gone.
        5. Those who have stated “all their stuff has gone” or they have “lost their comments to reference and go back to”. This is little difficult as it is unclear what people actually mean because of course what you see is different from what I see. It is evident that this must be a consequence of the migration. I assume that since this “vanishing” the problem has not persisted? I know the comments remain on the blog for all to see.
        6. With regard to those who have been getting the scam notice about a virus – a phishing ping back has been identified by the blog’s security and this has been removed. It is unclear if that is what was responsible. Repeated scans have found no other issues. WP have suggested this is likely to be a virus on your device as opposed to anything to do with the blogsite and recommend you take steps on your relevant device to get rid of it.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Thank you very much, HG, for finding this out and telling us. It is a big loss that the likeing comments is gone. I found that element often as interesting and enjoyable as the comments themselves. But then I’m a big believer in positive feedback. I also know we can’t have everything. At least they (hopefully) have increased their security.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            I have added a plug-in to allow you to like comments because as you know, it’s all about the giving during the golden period.

          2. HG I’m surprised you haven’t installed an ‘adore’ button that can only be used on your posts.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            I save that for your to express using words in the comment section.

          4. jenna says:

            HG, thank you for the like button. Can you also install a reply button on each post so we can read and reply to them here instead of through our email? I am not getting new comments via email😞

      2. Indy says:

        Me too. I just changed all passwords.

        I’m practicing some Radical Acceptance skills on these WP changes as it seems all past bell messages are lost and email doesn’t track updates anymore. Still feeling a lot of gratitude for you all and still having this space to learn and share and support. Hugssss

      3. Love says:

        Thank you Mr. Tudor. This Golden Period is beautiful 🌞

  26. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

    Narcissus,
    in his immobility,
    absorbed by his reflection with the digestive slowness of carnivorous plants,
    becomes invisible.
    There remains of him only the hallucinatingly white oval of his head,
    his head again more tender,
    his head, chrysalis of hidden biological designs,
    his head held up by the tips of the water’s fingers,
    at the tips of the fingers
    of the insensate hand,
    of the terrible hand,
    of the mortal hand
    of his own reflection.
    When that head slits
    when that head splits
    when that head bursts,
    it will be the flower,
    the new Narcissus,
    HG – our Narcissus. <—-(original line: Gala – my narcissus)

    – Salvador Dali

  27. Ali says:

    Quote “Was I once happy and then the capacity to be happy was taken away from me? Who removed it? Was it the act of someone else or did I decide to strip happiness from myself and arm myself with power instead?”

    potential… we are all born with the same potential, the same abilities. The brain develops different due to the environment, the things we are taught, our own experiences…

    the brain forms most of it’s major connections before the age of 5 and then the older you get the more difficult it is for those connections to change/alter… it is where the saying “you cannot teach an old dog new tricks” comes from… you can teach them but as they become more and more set in their ways it becomes as difficult as moving a mountain. Change requires more effort on the part of the person unless they kept that part of their brain flexible by constantly being willing to learn/change/adapt.

    that is why a lot of psychology on narc mentions parental abuse as a possible cause of narcissism.

    I don’t think that theory is far fetched, not reading a lot of what you have written. I think matrinarc sucked the living daylight out of your positive emotions so that they were indeed shut off or stunted subconciously as you grew up. I think it is very likely that you closed them off into your inner sanctum to protect your deepest inner-self. I think it’s very likely a result of deep trauma from being at the mercy of matrinarc…that is why I asked those rhetorical questions on the other blog page… you hurt women because a woman hurt you… deeply… shaping you into wanting something from her that you can never have: her to tell you just how wonderful you are and how proud of you she is, as if to stop pushing you would only let you slack off and stop bothering. Instead she has dangled that in front of your nose and withdrawn it like a cat toying with a mouse which is unfair at best and cruel at worst.

    Mind you, I have not one single clue on why some people shut down parts of their soul/heart or whatever you want to call it, maybe even emotional cortex… I think it’s all linked up, and become narcs while others suffer and let the pain flow through into letting themselves become more sensitive… maybe it’s fear that is the difference, beliefs also… that you did not feel strong enough or capable of surviving the pain inflicted… everyone reacts differently to a given stimuli… or a given situation…

    so you describe a lot of “negative” emotions… anger, pain, jealousy, etc but not much on “positive” ones… other then a brilliant sense of humour..tho it is conditional…

    again, Rhetorically if only because narcs do not question their motives or behaviors but humor me for the sake of argument, are you happy? do you enjoy what you do? do you close your eyes to savor what you eat? do you ever smell a flower and feel it enliven your senses? do these things sound ridiculous or are they things you take for granted or discard as being for the weak…? A waste of time? What is your personal definition of strength? What simple pleasures do you allow yourself? why? have those things ever been presented to you as a waste of time? Are they?

    hopefully writing is a pleasure for you since you do it so well.

    has there been an unbalance of negativity in your life or are there positives? What are they? why? Are they all conditional?

    here is something to add to your myth list… narcs never ever delve into introspection: they are incapable of it… yet… here you are… reflecting exactly on what you are, what your kind does, etc…

    yes, yes, I know… I see thing from “the other side” of the fence perspective-wise… I see things as the empath, that you can heal, that you can be saved LOL… such a ridiculous notion… maybe… probably…

    yet… if it is a question of how the brain formed and what connections were made growing up and what did not develop… then would it be such hogwash that your brain can be re-wired and that you could indeed heal and “be saved”?

    that sense of emptiness… is it filled with lingering depth or shallow “right now” solutions… are the wounds too deep to ever have a bottom or just having a hidden bottom no one has yet found?

    I wonder… I really honestly wonder… I have no insight to offer, only more questions… all rhetorical… I could only wound the narc that latched on to me… only you can find your own answers…

    I am very much curious on how this will all turn out

  28. J says:

    HG, after my head injury, I felt nothing for a few weeks. It was incredible, and I was able to actually think for a while unselfishly. After a while, I could only feel anger. (I now have everything back, btw.) I think it was a good thing to go through. Most people are afraid of the “negative” emotions and feelings, but I think they serve a purpose. They’re supposed to cause action and change in your life. It’s just not fair that the other half of your emotions were stolen. It’s just your defense system, though. I’m curious if you were to instead direct your anger to the ones who actually caused this to happen to you, until you finally see them as the flawed human beings we all are, if that would help to free you some? Also, I do hope the good drs are working to teach you how to feel joy and empathy. I’ve seen a lot of research proving that sociopaths can be taught to feel if they are willing and work at it. It feels better inside to be able to feel everything. I wish you the best in your journeys.

  29. Sarah says:

    Interesting topic. The way you write I believe we’re all effected by our surroundings and learn certain behaviours, but at the same time, we’re all born with different wirings (some predisposed to this mechanical way of thinking), to be able to then compliment eachother with a yin and yang effect for the ‘balance’. Even though yin and yang are not conflicting as such in a separate way, it brings together something good. If Empaths can learn to grow from their ‘opposites’, and vice versa (like the Narcissist already does, for his own empowerment), maybe we will benefit also.
    Like being stood next to an army soldier under attack – he can kill ‘our/my threat, I cannot. Does this make him bad? It’s raw survival on differing scales.
    We should question exactly how many of our empathic tendencies were ‘taught’, through dedication from the people who cared for us… as we presume we have everything we need. What happens when we don’t?

  30. Indy says:

    Hmmm, maybe the deletion of the message bell is symbolic.
    **winks**
    **makes spooky sounds**

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I understand it is just a glitch.

  31. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

    You are most definitely the most intelligent and introspective narcissistic psychopath I have come across. This is a very insightful piece that demonstrates the growth you have made. In general, I notice a different tone to your pieces and responses lately.

    You continue to evolve in a way that is pretty damn astounding. Your work serves multiple purposes. One purpose that is often overlooked is treatment for other narcissists and psychopaths.

    Impressed… as always…

  32. Twilight says:

    You are right you are not walking dead yet walking towards your something, something you were created to do and bring forth.

  33. Anonymous says:

    HG, before I found your work, I googled everything related to narcissism obsessively and it was then that I found a discussion somewhere on the internet where people who have NPD (not sure if self-diagnosed) discussed that there are people or perhaps one person that are/is important to them and whom they mainly spare, i.e. don’t use for fuel. Was that discussion nonsense or is that something you can confirm?

  34. This is very interesting and I feel sad you don’t feel those emotions.

    1. If H.G. has never felt them, he doesn’t miss them.

  35. Ms brown says:

    I do not condone narcissist abuse, however, I do believe that you and your kind are a superior breed… Whether you were you born this way, or if you were “made” this way, who knows? The fact remains: “Survival of the Fittest”…
    in all honesty, I sometimes wish I could be this way.
    Certain emotions and feelings have a way of holding one back and stuck with a whole different kind of emptiness, than the one you experience.

    1. sarabella says:

      I could never think them superior. Just different but never superior. That same kind of “better than less than” classification of people is the root of so much of this dynamic. *HG is not good enough ad a child, must try harder no matyet what….). And as has been made clear, a narc needs the other kind of people so that symbiotic relationship to me shows a weakness and a dependency, not so superior.

      1. Ms brown says:

        yes, there is the “symbiotic” entanglement, it is not a relationship… but who gets hurt? there in lies the weakness… and it is not with the Narc

        1. sarabella says:

          I understand what you mean but not all narcs are born with a silver spoon. Since addcitions are a huge part of it, they succumb in other ways to their own weaknesses … drug abuses, financial failure, estranged children, and the picture of what their lives look like when they are old narcs. We hurt not out of weakness but for being so human. We dance the dance then of building our back bone without losing sight of our humanity. At least we can grow and develop new skills, they can’t stop this way of being and learning to feel next to impossible. so I see them as far more bound to this toxicity than us. And with the internet, this info IS getting out like never before.

    2. DJ says:

      Interesting point Ms. Brown. I understand your perspective and, as a fellow empath, partially agree with the sentiment that life would be a lot easier without certain emotions. That doesn’t mean I’d ever give these emotions up, however. For me, they are what gives life it’s colour, texture and flavour. They are also quite possibly the only thing stopping certain nations from nuking the crap out of other nations for the sake of petty revenge. It’s easy to see how the narcissist emotional make up does lean towards success in certain arenas, but I sincerely hope that narcissists are not a superior breed as a world without empaths would be a very scary place indeed. I also believe that HG, were he able to experience these emotions for just one moment, would feel a great loss at his lack of them. It’s only because he’s never felt them (or can’t remember feeling them) that he doesn’t miss joy, compassion, pride, sadness and all of their wonderful bedfellows. My ex often asked me why certain TV ads made me teary eyed. He would usually me in a strangely clinical way when asking the question. Now I get it.

      1. Love says:

        Yes DJ. I wouldn’t trade in my emotions for anything. They are a gift. I have not always thought that but life would not be as beautiful without these feelings of mine.

      2. Love says:

        You are absolutely right, that life would not be as rich in color, texture, and flavor. I would add music and dance. As an emotional person, the intensity of music and dance are so much more. This song has been in my head for a couple of days. It may have no effect on narcs or others. For me, it moves me.
        https://youtu.be/FEzb3yPoCm4

      3. DJ says:

        Love, you just brought back a wave of emotions with the first track. I love it. So many memories. My playlist for this weekend, thank you x

      4. Love says:

        We are on the same vibe, DJ. 💜
        Sade knows how to sing from our hearts.

      5. Ms brown says:

        I do believe my lite is most fatally dimmed….

      6. DJ says:

        Why Ms Brown? I sincerely hope this is only temporary. Listen to Love’s music choice it will spark the flame

      7. windstorm2 says:

        I agree with you DJ. It’s like ying and yang. Both essential for completeness, but neither one superior.
        I can remember when guys used to ask me if I wished I’d been born a man (of course in hindsight these guys were probably all narcs 😉)? I always laughed, because from my viewpoint, my insights, priorities and emotions as a woman vastly compensated for any lack in physical prowess, and obviously- though they might not realize – intelligence was equal either way.
        There are reasons we are all different. And different does not mean inferior. I can feel joy, wonder and compassion every day in any circumstance. For me, nothing on earth is worth giving that up.

      8. Narc affair says:

        Ms brown ..your light will grow bright again. When youre hurt badly it is hindered but healing and eventually the right person in your life will bring it back and maybe even brighter! It makes us more grateful i think when weve been thru bad situations 💓

    3. Dodo says:

      I disagree. We all have setbacks. Just different kinds, as you acknowledged. One kind of setback is not “better” than another kind, nor “superior”. Just different. That is all.

  36. So, did you have those emotions when you were a small child? Love, security, happiness etc?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have no recollection.

  37. abrokenwing says:

    My toolbar just disappeared from top of the page and I can not see ‘like’ option under the comments..
    Is it a problem with my account or is everyone experiencing the same ?

    1. Anonymous says:

      Gone for me as well, and I was also logged out strangely (and didn’t do anything myself like deleting cookies).

    2. Indy says:

      I am experiencing this too. I cannot see messages or the little bell on top.

      1. ballerina9 says:

        Hi Indy, me too! I opened wordpress on my phone and saw all HG’s answers to my comments as well as all my ‘likes’ being deleted right under my eyes.

        Being fairly techie, I’ve already sent them a copy of my log (all my clicks) and one showed “database purged”) . I had not changed anything so has to be on their end.

        I am SO pissed I lost HG’s answers. I have them all memorized of course ☺

        To view the log (script), from wordpress app, go to:
        (It may help them figure WordPress out WTF is happening)
        Help support
        App Log
        Application log

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I understand it is a WordPress issue. There is no problem at my end.

          1. Ms brown says:

            I have no issues either, on any of my devices…

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you for confirming.

          3. ballerina9 says:

            Thank you for letting me know. Yiur comment came through. I just hope it won’t be purged. Again. If not, some smearing will be necessary HG.

      2. superxena says:

        Hello Indy!
        I have the same problem!! I can’t read the replays to my answers either or my questions…so I am lost here!!! Everything is gone…hard to follow the threads…I am REALLY lost in here now!!!

      3. strongerwendy says:

        I’m experiencing the same WordPress problem…

      4. strongerwendy says:

        Yes, where is the $#&%! little bell?

        1. Indy says:

          So, this is weird but if you go into the main WordPress site and sign in, I was able to see my bell again though nothing is in it. And my emails are not connected in the same way. I’ll give it time.

          I feel bad, though. this is an amazing article of HGs and it deserves more focus without WP glitches. As Dr. Q and others have said, this work shows such rare insight into your inner emotional world for someone with NPD…honestly even without NPD. We are lucky to have the opportunity to interact and learn from you. So rare. Your hard work shows too!
          Greatful!
          Indy

    3. K says:

      abrokenwing

      My like button is gone too. Phew! I was worried something was wrong with my computer.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        It will reappear, WP can sometimes have a narc tantrum from time to time. Sometimes I cannot load the stats for the sight for instance.

      2. abrokenwing says:

        Thanks for confirming guys ! Is there anything we can do about it or shall we just wait?

    4. windstorm2 says:

      Same thing happened to me today. Very annoying to not be able to like comments.
      Hope the whole WordPress doesn’t implode! Seems to be a lot of problems this past week.

      1. abrokenwing says:

        WordPress appliances still malfunctioning today 😠

  38. Wow. A very powerful piece.
    Thank you for sharing.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

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