5 False Promises


Words are our tools. They come readily to us and we much prefer them over actions as they use so little energy. We have no sense of guilt, remorse or conscience that we are easily able to make promises with no intention of ever keeping them. You on the other hand hate to break a promise and we know that your adherence to this means that the effect our broken promises is significant against you and will allow us to draw fuel. You will be familiar with the nature of the broken promises if you have danced with our kind already but you may not know what we actually mean when we say certain supposed promises to you. If this dance is new to you, not only will you not know what is being really meant when we whisper these words to you, but you may not realise that this promise will not be kept. Here are five of the most-used promises we issue, that we always break and this is what we really mean when we say them.

  1. I will always love you

I know that you love to hear such bold proclamations because they appeal to you as a love devotee. Indeed, you have been conditioned to believe strongly in the concept of love. I won’t always love you, in fact I will not even begin by loving you because I am incapable of feeling what you know to be love since it has been denied to me as an option. I understand what love is to you however because I am surrounded by people like you telling me what it means and it appears in books, on the television, on the internet, in films and advertisements. It is easy to understand what love means to you but impossible for me to feel it and therefore I can never love you. What I mean when I tell you this is that I am telling you what you want to hear so you will remain with me and provide me with the fuel that I crave. I am telling you that I will actually always want you so long as you give me what I need. My desire to be with you is entirely conditional on you furnishing me with fuel.

  1. I will repay you

I will borrow money from you because of my sense of entitlement since either I have none and I want yours or I have plenty and I still want yours. If I have no money I need it and therefore I will want to borrow it from you. I will of course promise to repay you in order to induce you to lend it to me in the first place. I will then make repeated promises to pay you: –

“I am a little short this month, I will have it for you next month.”

“I am due a bonus in two months so I will pay you from that then.”

“I had an emergency and had to use the money for that.”

“I am not able to work at present but since you love me you won’t mind waiting will you?”

“If you really loved me, you would not ask for it back.”

Those of our kind who lack financial resources want the money for obvious reasons but also in order to strengthen the link between them and you, so that you have reason to remain in contact with them and to allow them to trot out excuses and reasons which will eventually provoke you through exasperation, frustration, irritation and upset.

Those of our kind who have ample financial resources do not have any intention of making repayment. Instead we use this borrowing of the money as a bridge between you and I and as above it is all about keeping a hook into you.

When we promise to repay you, we will not do so. What we are telling you is that we want to create a method of ensuring you are connected to us and able to draw fuel from you.

  1. I won’t hurt you

Of all the broken promises this is perhaps the one which does the most damage. We are actually telling you this: –

“I won’t hurt you as long as you comply with what I want.”

It just so happens that we always omit the last nine words. We regard you as our appliance, an extension of our will and you are expected to do what we want. Provide potent positive fuel, succumb to our demands, run around after us, say yes when we want yes and no when we want no but you must guess which is correct. We want you obedient, compliant and submissive. Navigate your way through this maze successfully and you will not be hurt. Unfortunately, for you nobody is ever able to do this because you will always have to be hurt because we want fuel. You have to be hurt because no matter how hard you try you will always cause a criticism which will wound us and therefore we have to defend ourselves by lashing out and hurting you. You have to be hurt because there are even those of our kind, the malignant and the greater who delight in doing so.

The hurt will always visit you somehow.

  1. I will be faithful

We cannot be faithful. We need fuel too much. Although most of it will come from you we need it from other sources as well and this will result in our infidelity. Infidelity comes in many forms, just as fuel does. To some it may be sharing long and intimate conversations, to others it is a kiss, to others it is sexual touching and to others it is full blown sexual intercourse. Our desire for fuel combined with our massive sense of entitlement and our failure to recognise boundaries means that we will be unfaithful. Add to that our lack of accountability, our failure to feel guilt or remorse and you stand no chance of ever ensuring that we remain faithful.

We say this because you want to hear it. This is most often used after we have been exposed as committing an act or acts of infidelity and we are concerned that you will leave us and thus take away our primary source of fuel when we have not secured a replacement yet. We will pledge that we will be faithful moving forward in an attempt to prevent you from causing a cessation to our supply of fuel. These are empty words. We will be unfaithful within the week, maybe not even that long, just so long as uttering such a promise stops you from going.

  1. I will change

No I won’t. Even if I could, which is highly unlikely, why should I when there is nothing wrong with me. Everything I do is necessary to ensure my survival and my remaining elevated and superior. Just because you and others do not like the way that I behave does not mean that I have to alter what I am. I know however that you love to think that we can be cured of whatever ill it is that we suffer from. You want us to become better and different and naturally if this means we can get you to stay, do what we want and keep providing us with fuel we are content to tell you that we will change. We are experts at adopting false expressions of contrition as well to accompany this empty promise.

This vacant promise actually means

“I will carry on doing what I am doing and nobody will ever stop me.”




  1. Mine actually said all of these things.

    I stayed. He was so addictive. It was so hard. But now I’m on my 9th day of no contact. I actually “relapsed” on day 8 the last time I began my recovery.. but I passed that this time. On day 7 I was proud of myself and wrote on my blog. A few hours later he emailed me with the title “7 days later…” with how he misses me and loves me and how everything from the past was a mistake and I was “MY Sarah” and how he requested to meet with me next week. But he still tried having control over the day by telling me it would be better for him to be at the end of the week. Haha – some things never change eh 🙂

    With HG’s help I have stuck to my no contact and didn’t even give into temptation. Finding HG and his work has actually saved me from not just the relationship, but the way he kindly helps the survivors of narc abuse in relationship by his advice through what he knows about his kind, has saved me from breaking my no contact.


  2. “I love you more”
    “I never want to hurt you”
    “Since you are trying, i can try too”

    But he never borrowed money. He is too proud for that.

  3. Interesting. He didn’t come outright with some of these, but as I think on it, they were all implied and still conveyed or then maybe assummed by me.

    1. I thought of you for 35 years implied I always loved you. wvery 6 months thought of you

    2. He got money and then devalued me but i got it back as he pretended he was always honest and used it then to guilt control me..

    3. I know I hurt you 35 years ago so with that awareness, surely he wouldn’t do the same thing again? I assumed.

    4. I have a cheating problem but with the right person, could change implied you may be it

    5. I hurt you for ignorant reasons as a child (nothing was his fault) and things stood in the way of us beyond my control, but I was a boy, didn’t know any better… but now that I am here this is proof I changed so trust me now

    Such a mix of being led astray and all these led me to assume, too, that this time, it was going to be different. I was going to finally be loved by him.

  4. I loaned money to X narc because I perceived it as s one-off, as he had plentiful resources. I slowly dragged what he owed me out of him by being relentless and never dropping it.

    He convinced me that he was faithful, was very careful, and I didn’t suspect anything until the last year (out of 5) we were together, when he came up with all these new hobbies and interests that took his time away from me, and he was less interested in what I was doing.

    As usual, HG reveals the truth behind their behaviors.

  5. This one seriously took me quite a while to figure out, unfortunately. But I’m glad that I did. I believed his words …..”go ahead and leave your high-paying excellent job, I’ll always look after you and your child, always”…. Such a lie! It was done solely to put me in a position of his utter control. Now I’m paying the price for it. Literally. Also he manipulated me into putting all bills in my name except for one. He pays that one that’s in his name…..I’m on my own for the rest, no matter how much I’m suffering with my child. What a great set-up for constant fuel. I have learned though from my own mistakes, very well. I clearly see now how this was nothing but a chess game to him. HG, I would greatly value any suggestions you may have on how to deal with this type of situation? I’ve already taken steps and do believe I’m on the right path, I realize no-contact is the only way, but when you’re so entangled financially, sometimes you must communicate unfortunately. Again, any good suggestions for approach? Thank you, in advance.

  6. Lord, heard all those lines during hoovers. I think what really helped me see he was full of it was when I didn’t respond to the “I love you forever, please come back”, it shifted to me being a heartless woman in a split second. It affirmed my need to keep no contact and ignore.

Vent Your Spleen!

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