Why Make It So Difficult?

 

You will have silently asked yourself this question many times. You will have asked it of friends and family as you recount the latest confusing bout of behaviour from us. You may even go so far as to ask us why we make everything so difficult. Your confusion stems from several places. First of all, life really ought to be a bowl of cherries and straight forward. You have a good house, two cars on the drive, you get to go on holiday, there are no real concerns about the bills, the jobs seem safe. You are not rich but you are in a fortunate position. Everybody in the family enjoys good health, you have two wonderful children and extended family are supportive and play a part in your life. You once got along famously, brilliantly, a complete match made in heaven which shows that it can be done and therefore that suggests, does it not, that this can be resurrected and returned to, if only he wanted to and tried to do it. Going beyond this you give everything to the relationship. You have not changed. You remain devoted, loving, working hard for the family unit both in the office and at home. You make our meals, you suggest days out, you attend to the laundry and the housework with little assistance in return. You know that you give more of yourself to us, emotionally and in terms of dedication to the concept of our relationship and the family and truth be told you do not begrudge doing so. You have always been a giver and you derive pleasure in seeing other people content and happy knowing that you have played a part in it. Whilst it would be lovely to receive some affection from time to time you could live without it, if you are completely honest, if only we did not make everything so difficult.

You cannot understand why we make life so hard. There is nothing to be upset or concerned about. Indeed, with your tolerance and giving nature, we have surely landed on our feet. Your friends tell you that given everything you do for us we ought to drop to our knees and worship you when you come through the door in the evening. You laugh at such suggestions, since you are far too modest, but inside you do wish that there could be some acknowledgement, some thanks for everything you do. It does not have to be reciprocated, you are content with that role, but if only we would accept this massive advantage that we have and not spoil things, cause arguments and bring discord when there really is no need. You could understand it if you actually did something wrong but you do not, you know you don’t. From time to time you do find yourself analysing what you do and wondering if perhaps it is you that causes these sudden mood-swings, the lashing out, the sulking silences and the irritation. Once in a while you think you might have done something wrong and you apologise and make amends, not that it seems to get you anywhere. At times you think you would be better off if you came in drunk, kicked the dog and demanded that we make you something to eat before falling asleep in front of the television. Perhaps if you came in full of thunder and gave us a slap we might respect you more, because it seems that your dedication and subservience get you none. This thought tumbles through your mind often but you know you could not behave like that, because it is not you, but it does make you wonder what you need to do to gain our respect, our interest and our love once again, like it once was.

You cannot understand why someone would choose to be so difficult and so often. We have every advantage. Why not be content with that and life a wonderful life with a delightful family and doting spouse? Surely that is far easier than causing chaos, pandemonium and upset? Not only do these storms come out of nowhere, you just cannot understand why someone would behave like that towards someone that we supposedly love and care about. It makes no sense, no sense whatsoever, but you are not going to give up. You are not a quitter. You will work out what it is and then make the appropriate changes so that life really is a bed of roses.

How often have you felt this way? Many times I should imagine. It is extraordinary and unbelievable that we almost choose a life of conflict over what could be a peaceful and enjoyable life. This makes no sense to you at all. The fact is that we do not choose to cause confusion and chaos, we have to. Admittedly, we choose the degree and extent, the Greater of our kind doling out particularly savage and heinous machinations which increase the pain and misery, but all of us, whether Lesser, Mid-Range of Greater do not choose a life of conflict with you, our intimate partner, it has to happen.

We need to create drama because we feed off the emotional output generated by you in response to that drama and this provides us with fuel. It has gone beyond the point where we could rely on your admiration, love and affection, that has become stale although we do not dismiss it out of hand. In order to make that admiration, love and affection seem shiny and new (if only for a short while) we must create the drama, the downside and the conflict in order so there is a contrast. This contrast will allow us to reinstate our “good side”, the golden period and things will seem wonderful for a period of time but then the stale sensation returns once again. Thus the conflict must be resumed. You have no control over this. No matter how hard you try to please us, to accommodate us and to do the things that we like, this unquenchable need for fuel means that the roller coaster will not stop. There is often no logic to it, from your perspective. You may notice certain behaviours which tell you that the storm is about to be unleashed but often you will not know. This is because what triggers the storm is the ignition of our fury which is caused by your criticism of us. Those criticisms are usually more likely to be perceived by us than actual on your behalf and this means you will always struggle to identify them. Believe me, a simple “Hello, how are you?” can trigger the storm. In our world we regard this simple and pleasant greeting as unnecessary questioning and the suggestion that there is something wrong. If there is something wrong, then that is a criticism. This is why we seem to erupt over “nothing”. It is nothing in your world but in ours there has been a criticism and this ignites our fury with the resulting shouting, nastiness, sulking and silent treatments. There is no pattern to this behaviour. Once cannot say it is three weeks good one week bad. You may have months of the reinstated golden period before another tornado tears through your life. It may be a succession of tornadoes each and every single day for a month. It will always leave you confused and bewildered as to why we behave this way when there is so much good in our lives, so much to enjoy and look forward. As ever this is because you are looking at the world from your perspective. From ours it is vastly different. We do not choose to make life difficult, we have to.

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17 thoughts on “Why Make It So Difficult?”

  1. It sounds like a child deliberately causing chaos because he/she finds order in a relationship too boring. It’s clear once the infatuation has passed, Infidelity takes over to spice things up. Again, order versus chaos.
    Narcs are too sensitive for their own good; always defensive and lacking in maturity in any relationship, with the exception of those peeps they value. In short, narcs need to grow up and learn to be comfortable in their own skin. Just my view…

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  2. You ought to be rounded up and shipped on an island in the middle of nowhere where you can die of old age. Yes, you were damaged by your caregivers at a young age but that doesn’t give you the right to hurt others. You make that choice. Have you heard of people with pedophile tendencies who were molested as children and who fight the urge to damage other children? Have you heard of families in which the father is very abusive and one of his boys becomes a criminal, while the other becomes a cop who catches criminals and abusers? We all have a choice.

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  3. But then Monica, we wouldn’t be getting the blog! .
    HG this is perfect help for me right now. Am getting criticised for no reason whatsoever, asked him to stop, he kept going. He is now giving me silent treatment. No kiss goodbye when he left. Here comes the devaluation and I am freaking ready, thanks to you.

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      1. Hi SVR what would the surprise be? It’s turn off the fuel for me. He is back with his primary source and that fine. The disappearing act I know is nothing personal thanks to this blog. I have a deal with him that he wants to work out so cannot go NC yet. Can’t see him moving in, so phew! Never been so glad to understand the future faking of the Narc!

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  4. My ex was a complete and total stranger during my pregnancy, then 7 weeks after our daughter was born he began his Reign of Terror. He was only nice to me for three days in the entire 6.9 years. If you include the 270 days of my miserable pregnancy and the seven weeks after our daughter was born, then the grand total was 2,457 days of torture. I was really tired when it was over. And, of course, he destroyed our family.

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    1. K. You are very strong to have woken up to this. How dare he. Nobody deserves this but I hear it time and time again. Only you can chose what to do but there is plenty help out there. I wish you well.

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      1. SVR
        Thank You! It was miserable; I am out and I am so much happier. it feels so free. I wish you well too! I read all your posts and love your advice.

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  5. HG this article makes me wonder about vacations lwith a narcissist… I understand creating drama is FUEL … but wouldn’t you prefer to have a good time rather than a negative one? What’s the injury? the reason why “you make it so difficult to enjoy vacations “? Is it the fact that people are enjoying themselves and attention is taken away ? Is it the close proximity to other people and having to socialize so much ? The Narc I knew was a complete monster on vacation.

    Thank you in advance:)

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    1. It is a combination of other family members receiving the fuel that we ought to, that those family members are content and happy but that is not because of us thus it is wasted fuel, their contentment also makes us jealous and we want to break that. You can also read more about why this is in Danger : 50 Things You Should Not Do With A Narcissist

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  6. Every time I read your blog I learn and understand more whats been happening to me every day of my miserable 22 year marriage. Thank you, HG, for being so honest. It answers so many questions.

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  7. HG. Is it possibly a self punishment because you don’t feel you deserve to be happy. Or bordom with being content. My ex is meeting with my son for Father’s Day that has been astranged from him for awhile now. I know he is going to be hoovered and then hurt. The way I see it it has to happen to learn the lesson. I’m sure the contact he received from his son thrilled him and fed him with lots of fuel. Now he knows he wants a relationship with him. That upsets me for my son but I’m afraid it has to happen.

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    1. I do not do happy therefore it is not a case of not feeling that I do not deserve to be happy. Boredom is a more relevant driver of this behaviour.

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