But Why?


I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.

“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”

I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.

Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?

This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.

You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,

“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”

It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-

  • You must know what has happened and make sense of it
  • You want to make things right
  • You want the wonderful golden period again
All of this keeps you right besides us. Guess what? We dole out even more awful behaviour and it still does not make sense and you still do not go. We give you a glimpse of the golden period and your confusion increases. He does still love me I knew it. Then the door is slammed shut and you are left confused yet again but even worse this time, the brief return to the golden period has given you additional hope. You still do not go.
For once, rather than looking at it through your own eyes, consider it from our point of view. The devaluation does not come out of nowhere. It does to you but not to us. It happens because you are not giving us our fuel in the strength, quantity and frequency we demand. That is the logic behind our change in behaviour.
Why is it then that we are able to hurt you when we love you so much? Again, look at it through our eyes and the answer is straight forward. We never loved you. Accordingly, we are not affected by what appears (in your world) to be a hurtful and contradictory shift in our behaviour. Let me help you further. To us you are just an appliance. Initially because this appliance does what we want we look after it. We clean it, maintain it and take pride in it. Then it goes wrong. It is too much effort to try and repair it. We are horrible to you in order to make you work in a different way rather than trying to repair you to run as normal. Remember how people would slap the side of their television to make it work or give the washing machine a kick in the hope of causing it to run properly? You are just the same. You are an appliance and we give you a boot be it figurative or literal to make you provide us with fuel of a negative nature. We eventually get fed up that you are not working as we want you to so we chuck you on the scrap heap like so many discarded fridges, computers and washing machines. We have seen a new, shiny model which has attracted our attention instead.
So when you sit and wonder why this devaluation has happened, why our behaviour makes no sense and how can it be that someone who expresses such perfect love can be so hurtful, you know the answer. It makes no sense in your world but every sense in our world where you are just an appliance. Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?


56 thoughts on “But Why?

  1. Insatiable Learner says:

    Dear HG, I asked a question about a month ago. It just got posted but no reply from you. Would appreciate it very much if you would kindly provide your insight. Here is my question again.

    After no contact for 7 months, I sent my narc a happy birthday text and asked how he had been. I was never a primary source. We were both married and friends with benefits for 2 years prior to him divorcing his wife last year and settling with a new primacy source. He has been with the new primacy source for over a year now. I have not seen him in over a year. He responded to my text a couple of days after I had sent it, was polite, friendly, thanked me, said he was doing very well and that he would call me in a few days to fill me in. I responded back right away that I was very happy for him and excited to hear back as I had missed him very much. I have received no further response and he did not try to call as he said he would. It’s been about two months since then. Would you be so kind as to provide insight into the situation? Thank you very much! Would be much obliged!

  2. A.R. says:

    Or better yet…finding out how not to be an appliance at all. 😝

  3. Bella says:

    I was an appliance for over 4 years. I allowed myself to keep being recovered from the heap….No more. I have gone head to head with XN and although against most opinions, I have exposed him at every new corner he turns. I have sent info to educate many he has been or is in contact with. I have laid out the behaviors and traits and have given warning whom they are dealing with. They can do what they want with the info. I am just a public service announcement. It’s their choice to believe and see or just stay a flying monkey. It’s on them. They have been warned. I then walk away.

    1. Anonymous says:

      I’m sitting here smiling and giggling at your comment, Bella. I like you!

  4. B says:

    What happens HG when two narcissists get “accidentally” together? By accidentally I mean they’ve been covering their true traits in the initial phase

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See When Narcissists Collide (Parts One and Two and further parts to come)

  5. Lee says:

    Why would he not receive me showing my love for him via gifts, compliments etc. It seemed that he wanted to do all the giving on every level. WTF was that all about. So eventually i stopped trying. Strange very strange. The only thing i can think of that to others he would look like the hero and me the villian.

  6. Hannah says:

    I need to hear that right now, desperately. Thank you.

  7. Robyn says:

    After my narc walked out on me, I spent weeks texting, emailing, constantly begging him to come back, talk. Once I discovered he’s a narcissist & started researching, I stopped. Complete silence. It’s been a month. He hasn’t tried to contact me, either. We attended 1st hearing in court yesterday. I did not even look in his direction. He stood behind me while arranging our next hearing date and once we were finished I simply left the courtroom, never even acknowledging him. But I wonder, in his narcissistic mind, if my silence is also used as fuel. If just my presence in the same room with him, knowing that I’m hurt and angry, was enough to sustain him temporarily?

  8. SweetFreedom says:

    Ladies and Gents—just remember the current appliance is going to be in this exact place sooner or later. You know, the ones who do not heed our warnings, the ones who vilify us and spread rumors about us just like the narcs do.

    Sooner or later, they will be asking why as well.

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. foolme1time says:

        This is probably not a very nice thing to say! I am waiting for the day for this to happen to her. Not that I want to see another person hurt or to suffer, because that will be my affirmation that he truly is a narc he has a pattern that I have figured out to almost the day she will leave him!!

    2. I think I’m looking forward to that, but I really don’t like thinking this way.

    3. Anonymous says:

      It was good reading this, SweetFreedom. Just today I did some stalking (yes, HG, I know we shouldn’t) and I found a picture of him that one of his many victims took on a trip. It was roughly a week after I escaped, I guess she is emergency fuel and it is unlikely the trip was planned. When I escaped, I took one of his other victims with me, so he was probably REALLY annoyed and needed a quick fix. Plus, he needed to get away from London because he knows I can be the opposite of nice, he already extended his stay at his parents by a whole week because I assume he was scared of my wrath. I know this because I have ways of knowing things without him knowing I actually know. Anyway, barely back home he left again.

      So today, I am consumed by hatred. Jesus Chris in Heaven I could just explode. I actually have warned this victim when I escaped but she never opened the message (Facebook). I’m not really worried that he’ll make another woman happy, I know he won’t. I’m worried he’ll steal another woman’s time and that one day, he’ll manage to destroy someone. I hate knowing he gets away with this and I’m supposed to just sit here and twiddle my thumbs. I wish someone would slam my head repeatedly into a wall until amnesia is achieved and I don’t even remember this twat exists.


  9. choleesa says:

    As an appliance suffering through a severe devalue, I still cant understand, yes I know hes sick, yes I know he never loved me, and yes I know that he WILL come back, but I have not stopped functioning, in fact, I have been been flodding him with all the fuel he could possibly need, positive, adoring, buying him things, telling him how perfect he is, with a side order of drama just to keep it exciting, and STILL he has decided to toss me aside.

    1. Hannah says:

      Will they really come back or do we just tell ourselves that to make ourselves feel better?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Yes we will, subject to the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria.

    2. Ms brown C★ says:

      i think HG calls that “respite period” if you are IPPS? (god/dess help me if i am wrong)

    3. KT says:

      Your fuel became stale

    4. KT says:

      Your fuel is stale

  10. Eve says:

    All happening in the course of two years, I got away from four highly abusive narcs in my life, and it wasn’t easy BY ANY stretch! One was my dad, not easy because I am in my 50s and have been used to believing a lie all my life about our relationship. Another was a boss who kept promising grandiose gestures leaving me feeling exhausted, disappointed and hugely devalued. I just QUIT one day while she motored on with her insane narc behavior with the remaining employees, who are exhausted too. Another was an outwardly abusive landlord who blames, accuses, rejects, denies and verbally assaults all her tenants. And that was like running for my life, because I BROKE MY ARM during my move. And finally the other one was a man I had carried a torch for since 2012. In and out of my life, yet never there for me when I needed a true friend. I prayed for closure which he would never give – and BOOM, out of the blue I got an email from his wife of fourteen effing years!! She told me what a horrible man he is, a liar, and how smitten she was too when she fell for him, then married, only to now describe I was one of many he’d had affairs with.
    I am now able to spot narcs within weeks, days and hours when most of life it has taken me years. I thank no one more than you HG. Your online presence and material has literally saved my life by training my mind, heightening my self-love and igniting awareness. God bless you!!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Eve.

  11. echo says:

    Good morning HG. I have been “shelved” by the N who I think is Mid, either cerebral or elite. When we first started “dating”, he wound up leaving scars on me from some kinky play. He liked them being there, and didn’t want me to tattoo over them or get a new body art design cut over them.

    Do you think it would be seen as a criticism that I finally did cover them? Or, having been shelved/discarded is it a non issue? I know that I see it as a clear step in moving on, but I’ve been subjected to silence for months. I have a hard time thinking he would even give a damn at all. Would this raise the hoover bar for me?

  12. Insatiable Learner says:

    Hello HG. It’s been a while since I posted last but I have been faithfully reading everything you have written daily. Feeling stronger than ever. A quick question if I may. So after no contact for 7 months, I sent my narc a happy birthday text and asked how he had been. I was never a primary source. We were both married and friends with benefits for 2 years prior to him divorcing his wife last year and settling with a new primacy source. He has been with the new primacy source for over a year now. I have not seen him in over a year. He responded to my text a couple of days after I had sent it, was polite, friendly, thanked me, said he was doing very well and that he would call me in a few days to fill me in. I was out of the country at that time on a short trip. I responded back right away that I was very happy for him and excited to hear back as I had missed him very much. I have received no further response and he did not try to call as he said he would. It’s been about a month since then. Would you be so kind as to provide insight into the situation? Thank you very much! Would be much obliged!

  13. Aura Gael says:

    I went through this for a while (of asking why and how) in a ruminating kind of way, but once I’d read so much, learning about narcissism, I came up with a technique of sorts that would stop those ruminating thoughts and questions in their tracks.

    I’d just say, “He’s a narcissist. That’s why. Period.”

    And that pretty much wraps it all up. It did help, no doubt, that he moved in with and then married his shiny new appliance, giving me time to heal. But I used this as a mantra every time I caught myself asking these questions.

    It works for non-romantic narcissists too.

  14. Hannah says:

    How or why? If you have been shelved for a new appliance (or in this case, another go at an already used appliance), what is the difference if the old one has decided to forgo the scrapheap for greener pastures? I just need to understand the logic behind this (such an empath, I know.)

  15. Hannah says:

    Does going NC even matter if you have been shelved? Is just not bothering to try enough?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It does matter yes.

    2. KT says:

      My point exactly

  16. Giulia says:

    Of course! New plastic boobs, big silicon lips, brand new model of prostethic butt, virginity oparation and anal whitening. That will take care of it for another 10 years.

    1. Ms brown C★ says:


    2. 12345 says:

      New boobs don’t work. I can testify to that!

  17. Scout says:

    ‘You are an appliance, we do not love you.’ This needs to be a permanent affirmation…
    The way I see your world view from what you’ve written HG, your kind treat us the way people in poorer economies treat abused gentle creatures of burden. They are valued until they are so weak and sick they collapse or die. The fact equines are a living, sentient being does not always resonate. As long as it dutifully obeys the burden and the beatings it serves it’s purpose. Once ‘broken’ the poor creature is forgotten and replaced asap.
    A fair analogy HG…?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Scout says:

        I just need an anology I can grasp to understand NPD and this works for me. I understand your appliance analogy but I need to link narc behviour to a living being. Thanks HG.

    2. 12345 says:

      It should be a ringtone…hint hint HG 😉

      1. HG Tudor says:


    3. Ms brown C★ says:

      Scout, I get that analogy!! or like a beautiful successful thoroughbred race horse…. get injured? put down on the spot… it has no more “value”… seen it done and never went to another horse race again

      1. Scout says:

        Yes, Ms Brown, any animal exploited in this fashion fits I think…. I was thinking today of old pets that after a life-time of devotion are abandoned in kill shelters because they no longer have a value. Incomprehensible and unforgivable imo.

    4. Brian says:

      I like the HG’s ice cream analogy. no one can eat strawberry ice cream all day every day.
      But then if you went without it for a few months you would want one.

  18. Ms brown C★ says:

    and this is why your blog is so important to us, because we DO seek to understand and make sense of the nonsensical

  19. B says:

    I did ask him that in my “last” long message, which he didn’t even open to read. Needless to say, I sent the message before knowing about your site HG.
    How can we know if a narc is “done” with us, HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We are never done with you.

      1. Robyn says:

        My narc is totally furious with me. He filed for divorce not expecting me to fight, but the lawyer I hired is making his life miserable. Narc will not even communicate with me anymore. I would expect this means he is done with me. His hate and fury when I take all his money will stop any future Hoover. No?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No it won’t.

      2. Robyn says:

        But if the intent is only to hoover back after a contentious divorce, why bother going thru the expense and difficulty of divorce in the first place? Why not just stay & continue to abuse your empath wife who never complains?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Because of our split thinking and compartmentalisation. At that point you are painted black, thus the divorce must happen, we must “win” in that divorce and then we focus elsewhere. Later, you become painted white and thus we hoover because that is what THAT moment in time demands (compartmentalisation at work). Many do remain in situ and continue the abuse with an in situ IPPS who does not escape the devaluation but pumps our negative fuel – that is why many of our kind of not actually instigate divorce, they see no reason to do so.

          1. Robyn says:

            So could the fact that he’s already cohabiting with my replacement before divorce is even final be the actual reason he instigated it in the first place? And if so, how would a hoover, in his mind, ever even be possible? I will never speak to him again for doing this to me. Are hoovers pre planned, or do they not even know they will want to hoover back eventually?

          2. eve says:

            Brilliant. Black and white labeling for levels of fuel. And again there is no way to hurt the narc. Only NC to save ourselves. The endgame has always got to be the goal but we don’t see it in time!

  20. Bel says:

    I just listened to your interview on out of the box , then read this blog . You charmed the lady that was interviewing you I think she thinks therapy will change you . I heard her say redemption, you aren’t capable of change are you ? It’s so strange I’m sure you’ve caused many people a great deal of pain but you came across as a nice person . But then I guess that’s why we are all here we all knew someone that came across as a nice person .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed Bel.

  21. KT says:

    So why does the broken appliance gets taken off the scrap heap again and again if it is not working?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Because it becomes fixed.

      1. KT says:

        But how HG? Please elaborate. It has been laying on the scrap heap for months…how can it suddenly be working now. A tv or smartphone doesn’t repair itself

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Split thinking. Compartmentalisation.

      2. Bev. says:

        Is cash fuel. 32 years he marked me in college knew my family had means he went from a out of work journalism graduate to a doctor med school much over the years on my families dime. My dad did not die and after 32 years he had many affairs on and on my funds ran out until another inheritance he found a gal not even born when we married but his last sentence to me before I legt” maybe we can get together after dad dies”. I have knowledge now no we will not get back together divorcing

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