The Igniters of Fury No. 19


56 thoughts on “The Igniters of Fury No. 19

  1. Mona says:

    Ank, I just had to think about “Sorry”. For a long time I used the same phrase narcs use to apologise. I knew something sounded wrong, but I did not know what it was. The reason for that behaviour: I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I learned to say “Sorry” that way. Some day I asked my mother to apologise for a small fault. She could not. Then I said: “Hey mom, I only wanted to hear a tiny “sorry”. I did not want to humiliate you or to destroy you.” Her answer: ” You have not said that ever before.” What a strange answer. She was so persuaded that to ask her for sorry means that I !!!! want to destroy her. I was totally confused about that and she ! seemed to be confused that I did not want to humiliate her. Strange people/mother. I do know no reason for her light npd. If there is one, she denies it. Her childhood seems to be quite normal (as far as it is possible in war times). And I do not understand, why I am relatively normal- except being drawn to one special narcissist. And your narc- he apologised for something, which was not necessary. I do not believe, that was to manipulate in any way. There is more behind that strange “sorry.” I believe they were compelled to say sorry for (exaggerating now) nearly everything in their childhood. Now they cannot do it anymore. Their parents might have used the word “sorry” to humiliate them. It could be a reason, why they hate that word. Allergic reaction to the word “sorry” except they abuse it for their needs.

    1. ANK says:


      I have no idea why he said sorry. Sorry my hands are rough on your skin? He can say sorry about that but not sorry I am seeing another woman behind your back, sorry I am blocked you on imessage.

      You may be right that they abuse it for there needs and maybe to make us feel bad that they are apologizing for nothing really.

  2. Flickatina says:

    Hmm…well given that majority of the Igniters are things that the victim does rather than the narc, it’s an easy mistake to make! No 20 is having a talent – one assumes you refer to the victim in this case.

    One was having a pet – again this means the victim,

  3. 1jaded1 says:

    From me, you would get a response akin to “yes, you are”…which would likely throw another match into the fire.

  4. Ms brown Cā˜… says:

    so when you ask for forgiveness…..
    “The thought of not being with you fills me with dread and I know I do not deserve your forgiveness but that is what I am asking for. Please forgive me because I did not know what I was doing” (from One More Time) Is that the same as “Saying Sorry”?

  5. RecoveringNarcoholic says:

    “Sorry” is a completely abstract and inapplicable concept to narcs. They can’t feel “sorry” any more than they can feel “cheese.” Because feeling sorry requires empathy and accepting responsibility. The only time mine ever used the word was when he said (in typical blame-shifting fashion), “I’m sorry we didn’t want the same things.” Too right! I wanted a real relationship; he just wanted fuel. Or maybe cheese. (Since his new appliance is a sales rep for a cheese company!)

    1. HG Tudor says:


    2. ANK says:

      You’ve hit the nail on the head there. They don’t ever truly feel sorry. They can say sorry, but it is said only to manipulate.

      1. HG Tudor says:


  6. Narc affair says:

    I read it wrong and now that i think about it saying sorry to a narc is total fuel šŸ˜‚

  7. noah80 says:

    Hi H.G! He don’t know to say sorry! Maybe he don’t know to act badly because for his toxic logic i’m in wrong and in guilty. Recently he has offended me but he ask me to apologise šŸ˜‚ he told me that i’m like the fox (the fable of Esopo) that can’t arrive to eat the grape so say that it is not good šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚ I told him I did not want him also as a friend since he does not know what the respect is…and he told me that he had an accident with motorcycle…and that i abbandoned him…but I don’t know if this accident really happen or if it is a lie just to draw closer me again because i did not answer him anymore.
    Now he seems ridiculous in my eyes. A poor man unhappy of his marriage that search occasions and prey to feel always attractive and wonderful as he was young.

  8. Narc affair says:

    I interpreted this wrong its when the narc has to say sorry. Oh yes ive experienced this often. My narc says the sweetest sorrys but he punishes later passive aggressively and shelving is one way hes done this. Id get a reassuring sorry but a week later the intimacy dwindled and he was very lukewarm.
    Narcs hate loath apologizing its beneath them and goes against every fiber of their narcissism bc at the core of narcissism is denial and unaccountability. They are too superior to be wrong or have to say im sorry. My mothers maybe apologized 2 times my whole life.
    If they apoligize expect repercussions to follow in some form or other. They always get back at you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Bingo! Well done NA, you are the first to have commented about it that has understood it. I must admit, it did amuse me whereby people did not understand or queried it because they regarded it as the victim saying sorry but it is when the narcissist is expected to apologise. It is also interesting in that it shows how people still interpret matters from their point of view, rather than ours. Gold star for you NA !

      1. Mona says:

        And second, you enjoy it, when we say “sorry”. It underlines your superiority.

        1. HG Tudor says:


      2. K says:


      3. DebbieWolf says:

        Yes…because we are always thinking things are our fault or that we are going to be blamed for something… so rather than just seeing it from our point of view it is yet again us trying to fix whatever the matter might be.

        1. HG Tudor says:


      4. DebbieWolf says:

        Ever noticed how whenever we do apologise for anything at all…even when it isnt us..that we never live it down anyway..the smallest thing is resurrected to be something mammoth…
        …’sorry i stood on your foot’ becomes the forerunner to:
        “You nearly broke my leg with your clumsiness” or something like that!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Correct. Notice also how we always manage to remember (and invent) the tiniest transgression on your part and then always forget anything we have done which meet with criticism or disapproval.

      5. Free Bird says:

        Ahem, well, I realized it was about the narc saying sorry too. This happened recently, I asked one of my ex narcs to apologize for something and he totally flipped out! I have also heard the hollow “I’m sorry’s” followed by cold fury. This particular narc never says he’s sorry for anything. Your meme was confirmation. Good detergent, trying to elicit an apology, and observing the reaction. Another good detergent, is saying “no” to just about anything. SEIZING THE POWER!

      6. Ms brown Cā˜… says:


      7. M. says:

        Most of the times, if not all, the “igniters of fury” have to do with what we have done, not you. It is only natural that we thought you meant us saying sorry. Come on, HG, be fair -I know, Narcissists are not fair, nor life!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Pah, no excuses M, sharpen up there!

    2. Pamela says:

      Well explained Narc affair.

      1. M. says:

        Haha, ok HG, I’ll do my best!

    3. ANK says:

      It is interesting that Narchole can drop the word sorry into conversations when there is nothing to be sorry about but when it comes to apologizing for bad behaviour, there is no sorry forthcoming or it is said in a way so as to not own up and be accountable.
      As mentioned in another post he said ‘I am sorry you are hurt’ rather than ‘I am sorry I hurt you’.

      Probably sticks in the Narc’s craw to be truly apologetic, after all he is superior and entitled and has absolutely nothing to be sorry about and we are all just servants, here to serve him his daily dishes of fuel.

      1. Mona says:

        Ank, it is very important, what you said. Look at their apologies! They shift the responsibility for feeling hurt to us. It is a typical manipulation tactic. Thank you, that you mentioned it.

      2. ANK says:

        Indeed Mona.

        Once when I was with him, I was holding Narchole’s hands. They were a bit dry 9 he had been doing some work in his garage) and I mentioned that they were dry. He replied ‘Sorry’. Was that to draw some kind of fuel from me HG and if so what kind of fuel was he expecting?

        I did reply that there was no need to be sorry, that it was just an observation. Once upon a time I would have leapt up, got cream and applied it on his hands.

  9. Ali says:

    he has never and will never apologized. I know this. The closest thing to it would have been the “I DON’T know why I keep lying” pained expression he wore as he admitted this one thing that one time… but even that could have been as fake as his entire personality and his side of the relationship. It was the closest he has ever come to admitting he lies and has a problem…

  10. echo says:

    Reminds me of all the times I heard, “Well, what do you have to say for yourself?!” Followed by “If you were sorry, then you wouldn’t have done it!” And “Well sorry’s not good enough!” Or, “I’ll make you sorry!” Sometimes all said during the same lecture lol

    Excellent pairing of Truth & Fury igniter. That mental bind will drive one insane – Conditioned to apologize, but apologizing is (usually, but inconsistently) bad… I’m sorry for apologizing …? 0.o’

    1. echo says:

      Ohh, okay, I realize I got it backwards after reading NA’s comment and your reply to it.

      So, her making me feel the need to apologize for something, then getting pissed off at me apologizing.. That wasn’t her fury igniting but rather her getting fuel and maybe projection or blame shifting?

      Can’t imagine the ex ever apologizing, he’d just ignore me until I spun and speculated enough to blame myself. Then if he did reply, he’d talk down and chastize me.

      Are those both just different means to a similar end of getting fuel/shifting/etc?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Yes, generating the need for your to apologise for something was part of the manipulation. We instinctively manipulate (with Greaters engaging in calculated behaviour also) and do so for fuel. We will do this at times when our fury has not been ignited. We ALSO engage in manipulations as a consequence of being wounded, our fury igniting and seeking fuel. We also do it when we receive challenge fuel (so we are not wounded but you have done something to challenge our superiority whilst giving us fuel) See the article Fuel, Fight or flight concerning fuel, challenge fuel and wounding.

  11. Free Bird says:

    This is also excellent narc detergent/truth serum. I like these detergents, tools for our kits, mwah ha ha haaaa. Please give us more weapons, the war is on!

  12. Brian says:

    Extracting an apology from Mr.Tudor. Hmm, the apology dispensor has a big sign on it reading “Golden Period Only”.

  13. Brian says:

    When you are cornered into saying sorry I presume.

  14. AH OH says:

    I’m sorry for I’m not sorry.

  15. Pamela says:

    HG, can you please explain why an apology would ignite fury? I would imagine it would play to their sense of entitlement and superiority and always being right by the victims admittance of wrong doing.
    Or does it ignite fury because it shows what you do not have a conscience to admit fault and take ownership. To say sorry, is to accept blame. Something a narcissist cannot do. So it ignites fury out of contempt and jealousy?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See Narc Affair’s comment.

      1. Pamela says:

        Thank you Narc Affair for explaining the reasoning behind the meme. It makes much more sense now after you explained it. I could only an apology as fuel to them. Why I interpreted it the other way, as the only narcissist in my life has never once apologized, so that concept is entirely foreign to me.

        Why I could not fathom that in the direction of igniting fury, is it because the narcissist feels controlled and weak and powerless? In that they feel forced to do anothers bidding, such as apologize , disingenuous as it may be. Isn’t the apology for the narcissist for their own benefit and aims though? I suppose it does create a power shift, where the victim is in control when the narcissist feels obligated to issue an apology to keep up appearances and their facade.

  16. gabbanzobean says:

    Ahhh grammatical and spelling errors with my talk to text! I hope you understand what I’m trying to say. And my question.

  17. gabbanzobean says:

    I lost count of the number of times he said “stop apologizing” to me. Yet he was never “furied” at me. He was Always so charming and polite!!!

    One thing he used to say to me frequently was “I lose my shit in private….I never let anyone see me lose my shit”…

    Was this a hint of truth? HG, do some of the middle range of your kind save their “fury” for private where no one can see them?

    There was only one time I can recall that he ever got upset with me over something and I use the term “upset” loosely. Because it was always preface it with ” I love you…but, you know I care about you…but”… with an apology thrown in for good measure. And then after the fact he would tell me I was the only one that he lost his shit with. That that never happened with other people. I’ve been the reminder again that he usually “loses his shit in private.

  18. M. says:

    Why? I have also noticed that the-very rare- times I said “sorry” lead to coldness and a silent treatment. I confess I don’t understand this particular igniter, I thought it would provide fuel.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed your apology will provide fuel. See Narc Affair’s comment.

  19. MLA - Clarece says:

    On the other hand, isn’t this part of the negative fuel you cherish that makes you feel more powerful?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is.

  20. Salome says:

    This is a real surprise!!!!
    Saying sorry ignites your fury?!
    Doesn’t give a fuel?!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It does. See Narc Affair’s comment.

  21. Salome says:

    What is the reason that one day you decide to stop to build the unreal beautiful world?

  22. K says:

    I am sorry to say this, but you are absolutely right.

    I am still feeling puckish; here’s another limerick.

    It is the empath who brings us the light.
    S(he) radiates love and defends what is right.
    Like moths to a flame;
    Your kind lies and shifts blame.
    Our umbrage brings fuel much to your kind’s delight.

  23. KT says:

    You don’t like it if we apologize?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your apologies are fuel. See Narc Affair’s comment.

  24. CM says:


    1. HG Tudor says:

      See Narc Affair’s comment.

  25. Narc affair says:

    Sorry for igniting your fury šŸ˜‚

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Very good. You didn’t.

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