The Narcissistic Truths – No. 44

you-are-conditioned-to-apologise-even-when-you-have-done-nothing-wrong

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25 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 44”

  1. I remember “back in the day”, in the beginning of the entanglement, when I would find “things” out, I’d take HIM out to a beautiful dinner and I would apologize! WTF? Who WAS that?
    HE should have been the one with flowers, gifts, dinner and apologetics…. and I stayed on for over 13 years!!

  2. Guilty of this as well. I found out about the new woman and confronted him, all calmly, just questioning, no ranting or raving, and a few days later went to see him and apologized when I had absolutely nothing to apologize for.

    I think I was trying to make him feel better! I’m sure he wasn’t feeling bad about any of it, apart from being caught…….

  3. I rarely ever did this with the Narc. Not the times I escaped or when I was discarded or devalued. Even when I didn’t understand who he was I was certain it was never my fault that he was so dysfunctional and cruel, I did hang in there way too long trying to help him be better and that is all that I’m sorry about.

  4. not long before I found HG and went N/C… He was ambushing me with numerous txts, stating everything that was “wrong” with me and why he’s “done” with me. I finally wrote to him, “Everything that has gone wrong is my fault. I am so sorry”… been N/C since. almost 5 month ago

  5. This is a very British thing to do. Person A would tread on person B’s foot and person B would apologise first! It’s quite amusing to watch! 😀 It stems from immense fear of possibly offending others, I believe.

  6. It is necessary when you cross someone`s boundaries. On the other hand you can abuse this knowledge. “Oh, I am sorry that I have to disturb you again.” Some people abuse apologies for their own needs. They cross boundaries with ease and apologise preventively. A very successful tactic to get their will. Some kind of a perverted apology. Yes, narcissists pervert apologies for their own needs.

  7. Omg this is me!!! Everyone from my daughter to my friends to my boss tell me I do this. I can’t stop. I’ve done it forever and when I do it I truly believe I’ve done something wrong. It’s awful. It’s not in a victim kind of way. I really think most things are my fault.

  8. Again does this not lend to your sense of always being right and your superiority? The victim is conditioned to believe they are at fault and so they apologize through their own sense of guilt and redemption.

  9. DearHG
    What is the reason that one day you decide to stop to build the unreal beautiful world?

  10. Yes, that is right. Even when I had to go to a toilette, I had to apologise when it did not fit to her time raster. What a big nonsense. An apology is necessary, when you do something wrong morally or you damage things of someone else, for example you destroy something (intentionally or not) or hurt someone (intentionally or not), but it is not appropriate for normal needs like going to the toilette, being hungry, failure at exam, or just even want to fulfill some own needs and wishes. Wow, I just learned a little bit about myself. I just learnt to say: I want. No apology anymore for having own needs.

  11. I apologized often because I felt like everything was my fault.

    All I wanted was the guy I fell in love with to come back, falsely believing an apology would do the trick.

    No contact is firmly in place.

    Lesson learned!

  12. Sorry everyone for my smart ass remarks.
    Some narc by the name of Big Smoke hid my sex toys from me. And that put me in a foul mood. I decided I should misbehave.
    Sorry I have been a bad girl. I deserve to be punished.
    Be gentle I am an Empath.

  13. This used to be me but ive improved quite a bit. I realise saying sorry all the time makes people lose respect for you and also feel awkward around you. When you have low self esteem you feel its expected of you to say sorry when it isnt unless youre truely at fault.

  14. Sorry if I offend anybody.
    HG, I think you should have all of ladies that follow your blog be your IPPS. There is no reason for you to only settle for one.
    You should marry all of them. You’re a Sexual Olympian you could line them all up and give them just enough sex that they beg you for round two. You can triangulate them. You gave her two extra minutes than me. Oh no he didn’t. There would be no need to devalue or get bored just keep rotating through. By the time you rotated through they would be new and shiny again. And they would worship you. And they should understand your needs and be willing to share. They all want you. You helped them. They owe you.
    Or you when you hit 5m you should have a contest to win a date with you. I never win. But you could have 1st 2nd through 30,000th place and date them all.

    Or not.

      1. Good Answer. I don’t know what the heck I was thinking. Usually I think before I speak and then I overthink and then I stop myself from rambling on and making absurd comments.

  15. Too true.
    I have learned how to get beyond this, though. I get really still and quiet when one of mine goes off about something – stay totally unemotional but give them all my attention. If they stay upset, I ask if they’d like to talk about it with me. Usually they say no and rant awhile, then let it go. Years ago they might have insisted I do something I didn’t want to do, or rage at me and I’d say no and leave if they continued. They don’t do this anymore, because they don’t want me to leave.
    My narcs are all very smart and not physically violent, though. Might not work with other types of narcs, but it works well for me with mine.

  16. I did this sooo many times and what’s bad is that I said “I’m sorry” knowing that I wasn’t at fault but it was just easier. I thought the quicker that I would say it the faster “the mood” or silent treatment would end.

  17. I used to hate myself for saying sorry when I knew it wasn’t my fault, so why did I say it? In the hope it would abate his anger.

    1. Scout me too… he use so good my fear of lost him and my sense of guilty with his manipulations… i was scary about his anger, he disappeared for days and i thought he had left me forever…but every time he came back…

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