Raising The Hoover Bar
The hoover. It is one of the most discussed periods of the narcissistic entanglement. I am referring to it in the traditional sense, namely the three post-discard/escape hoovers, although as you will be aware from my works, there are other hoovers throughout the interaction between us and you.
There are most likely two reasons for the post discard/escape hoover being a prime topic of discussion. First, by the time you have worked out what you are dealing with you will have already experienced the seduction, devaluation and discard/escape. The post discard/escape hoover is what is occupying you now because it may have happened recently, is ongoing, or you anticipate it happening. The second reason is that the possibility of ongoing interaction with us continues to fascinate you and thus the post discard/escape hoover becomes the focus of much of your attention.
I have explained previously that if the Initial Grand Hoover has taken place and failed (this hoover being caused by your escape) then you will face follow-up hoovers thereafter, of a benign and/or malign nature. Their catalyst is whether you enter our spheres of influence through something you have done (spheres one to five) or the fact you have just entered out mind for some reason (sphere six). If you have entered a sphere of influence, we always consider (though dependent on the nature of your type of narcissist the degree of consideration varies considerably) whether a hoover could be effected. There are certain hurdles which will either prevent that hoover from taking place or reduce the likelihood of it taking place. These hurdles may well raise the bar so it is less likely that the Hoover Execution Criteria are met, meaning it is less likely you will suffer a hurdle. Knowing what these factors are and how we regard them is crucial in formulating your defences to maintain No Contact. What, then, are those hurdles?
- Your Whereabouts
If we do not know where to find you so that we can appear face to face and look to garner some excellent Proximate Fuel by turning up at your home, your work or somewhere else you frequent this naturally poses a considerable problem to us. A Greater Narcissist will apply some effort to ascertaining your whereabouts, a Lesser is unlikely to do much at all. Accordingly, as part of building your defences the necessity of changing where you can be physically found not only pays dividends in commencing No Contact but affecting the likelihood of a later hoover.
- Your Accessibility
In a similar vein we need to be able to contact you. If we do not have a physical place to either attend, drive past, leave or note or send a gift, then we will look to access you through electronic means. If we know your telephone number, we are far more likely to hoover or if we have a means of contacting you through an app or on social media. If you have effected a media blackout and managed to sustain it, the prospects of a hoover happening are vastly reduced.
- Gullibility of Friends and Family
We may have a lieutenant in your ranks already. If so, the prospects of being hoovered are increased as we will have them lined-up to leak to us where we can find you and how we can contact you. Even if there is no lieutenant, if there is the prospect for a hoover we (or one of our lieutenants) will approach people in your camp to gather this information. It is often done under a separate auspice – there may be an emergency, some post has arrived we need to pass on, there is something confidential to relay to you – and if your family and friends are trusted with contact information their susceptibility to releasing this information is important. Bear in mind several months may have passed and if a lieutenant approaches your parents or a friend, they may not be alert to the danger. If those who might have your contact information remain impregnable then the hoover prospects are diminished.
- Happy and Contented
If you are demonstrating (to the outside world at least) that you are happy and contented, then this will affect the hoover prospects. Generally speaking we expect you to still be pining for us and miserable. This is regarded as a condition which is fertile ground for a successful hoover. If we are aware that you are moving forward, you rarely mention us, you appear generally happy and content then the Lesser and Mid-Range of our kind will be less likely to attempt a hoover. This is because they may be easily rebuffed and even though you may do so in a pleasant way, the fuel gained will be minimal. You should be aware however that a Greater will regard you as a prospect to break and therefore will not be dissuaded by seeing you happy and content alone.
- A New Interest
If you happen to have moved on to somebody new, which of course is dependent on the passage of time and other factors, then again a Lesser or a Mid-Range is less likely to hoover. The prospect of being rebuffed and thus wounded through criticism will prove too great a risk to them. They will feel criticised already by knowing you are with someone new when you should be holding a torch and pining for them and they are likely to regard the hoover as too risky, with the prospect for no fuel and further wounding. This will not apply to the Greater Narcissist. We are more likely to apply a malign follow-up hoover and lash out at you and your new partner to get a double fuel strike.
- Your Fuel Potential
You will have been an excellent source of fuel at some point, that is why you were chosen and ensnared, but that changed. The reason hoover fuel is so potent is that you will have recovered to some extent from what has happened to you, you will want to see us or be relieved that we have come back for you (not always but often) and most of all the fact that we have abused you and yet we can still entice you either to start the Formal Relationship again or even to provide fuel shows how powerful we are and thus adds to the potency of the fuel. If you are a super empath or a co-dependent you will be a prime prospect for hoovering. However, if we regard you as still badly crippled by what we did to you so that you have been in effect numbed so that your emotional output is muted or deadened, this will affect whether a hoover will take place. In such circumstances a proxy hoover may take place so a lieutenant can scope you out. Or you may (if circumstances allow) receive a paving the way message which is not a hoover in itself but rather a way of seeing how the land lies to then decide whether a hoover attempt should be made.
- Your Knowledge
If we are aware that you know what we are or have information which could be damaging to us in the form of amounting to a serious criticism this will lessen the likelihood of a hoover. Whilst a Lesser has no awareness of what he or she is, if you do know and you keep making mention of it and adapting your behaviour accordingly, he or she will at least sense there is little fuel to be gained and/or the risk of criticism. Similarly, a Mid-Range will realise that there is something “off” with the situation and think very carefully before being exposed to less fuel and/or criticism. The Greater is not concerned by your knowledge of what he is. He will deny it and look to manipulate the situation to his advantage to draw further fuel, but he will be concerned by anything that could cause criticism.
- The Façade
This carefully constructed and maintained device which we use to repeated effect against you is important. Not only do we use it against you but it will be used against other victims and those who help create the façade provide us with fuel. We do not want this to be damaged or fractured in anyway. If we ascertain that there is a risk of this happening if we hoover you (for instance you have damning evidence of our behaviour which could be circulated if we engage with you) then we will not want the façade damaged by such exposure and accordingly the prospect of a hoover happening will be diminished.
- Energy levels
If you enter our sphere of influence when energy levels are lower as a consequence of lower fuel provision, then the hoover may be regarded as not worth the effort. If, however there is easy accessibility and the prospective fuel gain is considered to be significant then even low energy levels would not be a dissuading factor but if there are other factors as above in place which would prove difficult then when we have low energy levels this makes us less inclined to want to perform the hoover. This situation may arise where we are still embedding a new primary source after your escape or we may not have one yet and we are reliant on fuel from primary sources. If the hoover is perceived as having hurdles and energy levels are low, even though you may have entered a sphere of influence, we may look elsewhere for fuel and not engage in a hoover.
- The Type of Narcissist
The particular type we are has a bearing also. The Lesser will be looking for easy gains, low-hanging fruit and immediate results. The immediacy is important. Lacking the calculation of the Mid-Range and Greater, he will be inclined to hoover if you are in near reach even if there are other hoovers because he is unable to control his thirst for hoover fuel. He will however risk being rebuffed and this will in turn ignite his fury causing him to lash out at you with potential repercussions. If the Lesser does not see an immediate opportunity he will move on. He is akin to an opportunist burglar. The Mid-Range will put a little more effort and planning in but will be cautious in his approach, mindful of the potential repercussions and therefore a few hurdles will put him off. He may apply a little effort to consideration but it does not take too much to cause him to move on. The Greater will need considerable hurdles to prevent a hoover happening when a sphere of influence has been penetrated. If he knows there is very potent hoover fuel he will apply considerable effort, like a well-planned heist, to get those jewels.
These factors need to be taken in consideration with one another to determine the likelihood or not of a hoover happening once the sphere of influence has been penetrated.
9 thoughts on “Raising The Hoover Bar”
Opportunistic burglar, love it HG. He is back with his partner or still with her. Why oh why can some people not see that they are being led up the garden path? I use to feel for her and the child but not anymore. That’s her life. My emotions are different now though. I say NO frequently, I block shady characters on social media, there is a girl that asks me at work what I am doing every weekend so this weekend I said not a lot but how about you? Work and pleasure no mixing. I don’t get involved in people’s lives anymore. It is their problem. HG what has happened to me? Any idea? I respect me now and won’t take any more nonsense. Looking forward to your reply. Hope you are well
You have built your logic defences and applying it rather than being led up the garden path by emotional thinking. You should be commended for doing so.
I have a restraining order against my narc. We ended our 15 year marriage almost a year ago, and our divorce was final last Tuesday, 3 days later he announced his engagement to his new victim. He was unable to attend divorce court, because of the number of warrants for his arrest at the time. I have full custody, he can have supervised visitaion of our 15 year old after he passes a drug test, and attends a domestic violence class. He is currently sitting in jail for violating the restraining order, and could be there for a couple of more months, up to 2 years. He knows I am the one that reported his location to the police, and had him arrested. He is livid! I made the mistake of pointing out to him a couple of months ago, that despite his horrificly graphic death threats-against me and everyone who helped me escape him, his smear campaigns, stalking, burgleries, attempted arson, and bunches of other childish drama, I won! I am free, genuinely happy, have a better job then the one he caused me to lose, and most importantly, I am our daughter’s sole parent. I am genuinely concerned about what he will do to retaliate when he gets out. I am trying to make sure he never wants to contact me again. He has told me he will decide when we are done, and we are not done. He says he will do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and no court can stop him. Im guessing, based on his behavior, that he sees the court order as a challenge. Will that change with his suffering consequences in the form of jail time? What are the chances he will continue to try to get back at me? At what point have I taken enough from him that he will just move on?
Hello So Happy, this is best addressed through a consultation.
Number 8 is what worked for me. My mid-range ex absolutely can’t stand it if people don’t think well of him — even appliances he’s discarded. The façade is everything to him. I’ve maintained No Contact since New Year’s day, when I informed him I did NOT think well of him. No hoovers after that. But since I know this is his Achilles heel, I weakened when I recently came across some of his old love letters. I mailed them to him with a note that said since I know he’s a devout recycler, I thought he might want to reuse them with his current victim. I know it provided some fuel, but I also know it was briefly wounding to be reminded that there’s someone out there who thinks he’s a piece of shit.
I knew he wouldn’t respond, and he didn’t, of course. But I later had the satisfaction of a demonstration of just how cowardly he is. After he discarded me, I moved 100 miles away from the city where he lives, but I still have some business contacts there, so I’m in town occasionally. I was there this week, and was sitting at a stoplight two blocks from his house. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw his car pull up beside me. There was no eye contact, but I know he saw me, because he immediately hit the gas and actually ran a red light to get away before (he thought) I saw him! I laughed and laughed. It might be whistling past the graveyard, but I had a feeling of tremendous power at that moment. The bastard actually ran from me!
They really are yellow-bellied, cowardly, lily-livered, candy-assed, namby-pamby, sissies! And bastards! God, that felt good.
Is being hoovered also a short experience?
My ex called me while he was having sex with another woman just the other day. I was foolish in picking up the phone when the caller was unknown. I simply hung up & blocked all unknown calls….
I know you wrote about this recently…I just can’t fathom what my ex would get from the experience of calling me during sex & what the other woman was thinking letting him make phone calls during….
Hoovers can be short – say sending a text message or prolonged, standing outside your front door shouting at you. They can be a one off or they can be repetitive in nature and of course they come in many different forms.
Feel free to file this one under “Narc Opposite Day” but regarding #2. What if the Narc himself is amidst a social media blackout? Is there a reason why this would happen? He went crawling back to his wife last I heard and posts nothing. The only stuff that shows up is stuff his WIFE tags him in. I am assuming this is done deliberately under his control of her? It never happened before, he was a regular poster of his own content but now everything posted shows up initiated from her with him tagged in it.