Outside Looking In

 

OUTSIDELOOKINGIN

 

You think about me every day. You wait for those teasing and tempting text messages which come through repeatedly during the day and then dry up around 6pm when you know that I am home with her. Once in a while there might be a sudden text at 9pm telling you that she has popped in the bath and that I love you, I miss you and I hate being apart from you. The text also warns you against replying and therefore all you are able to do is touch the glowing screen and try to feel the sentiment behind these electronic messages of desire.

How you cherish that period around 5-30 pm when every day we speak on the ‘phone, just you and I. I am driving home from the office and I use the half an hour or so to regale you with my compliments and to issue those promises that perhaps one day I will be driving home to you. Whatever you are doing you always ensure that you are available and your ‘phone line is free in order to engage in this call. You now arrange social engagements to take place later or you remain at your workplace, ensconced in the office, appearing to be engaged in a business call, save that you smile far too much for something that is work-related. That half an hour of heaven when we talk as if we were properly together, making plans, discussing the things we like and dislike, planning the next time we can snatch some time to make love without being detected or laughing about what was discussed when we met for lunch.

You manage to arrange to have lunch with me at least once a week. We deliberately choose a place that neither is likely to be recognised in and we place ourselves around the corner and out of sight. Hands held beneath the table and then removed when the waiter nears us, just in case. Stolen kisses, lingering looks and promises, oh so many promises of the wonderful world that awaits us once I manage to free myself of the chains of my marriage.

You listen carefully and attentively, showing the empathy for which you were chosen as I make oblique references to my miserable home life. Each time you gently press for more information to enable you to understand what it is that I have to ensure. What it is that I have to put up with and what it is that has driven me into your arms. I try not to say too much at first. I do not want our oh too brief times together to be spoiled by my tale of woe, but your sympathetic ear proves irresistible and I allow you to learn of the injustices that I suffer on a daily basis.

“We just do not get on any longer.”

“She lost interest in me sexually three years ago. I am amazed I have lasted this long.”

“Nothing I seem to do is good enough. No matter how hard I try, she always finds something to criticise.”

You listen and nod. I know you are desperate to weigh in and slide a knife between me and her and cut our bonds, but the decency that you are imbued with prevents you from doing so. You even suggest reasons why this state of affairs is as it is. You are kind, generous and understanding.

You thrill to my sudden calls out of the blue. You always answer after one ring, sometimes even less, thus denoting that your ‘phone is kept next to you at all times. Your voice always tells me how delighted you are to hear from me. When we meet your eyes, your kiss, your hugs and your spoken enthusiasm cause me to soar as I witness your devotion and desire.

You experience a surge of excitement when you are disturbed by a chime in the middle of the night and see that I have managed to issue another text to you.

I cannot get you out of my head and had to let you know. Don’t reply, I am in bed with her.

The delight that you experience at hearing from me when you expected not to is tempered by the knowledge that I am with her and not you.

The weekends are hardest as you often tell me. I can tell you want to say more but I know you are fearful of pushing me away by being too demanding. I text you when I can and even managed to call you, speaking in hushed tones from a toilet cubicle or a changing room in a department store, stifling my laugh that I have pretended to try on some clothes just so I can call you.

I keep you hooked though. I know how much you want me. I know you love me and I know you want me to be loved, to take me away from the misery of my marriage. I promise you that one day we will be together. Now is not the time, it isn’t quite right at the moment, there’s a family event coming up and it wouldn’t be sensible to drop such a bombshell with that on the horizon, there is a family holiday she booked it and I didn’t know until now but what can I do? I will have to go. I keep the promises coming and the excuses flowing and still you hang on.

I know you wonder why I keep my ‘phone close to me. You haven’t said anything yet but I am not stupid. I can see the suspicion in your eyes when I wake and immediately check my mobile.

“I am waiting for an important e-mail that may have come in from the States overnight,” I explain and issue a disarming smile. You nod. You seem to accept the explanation.

You have complained how you are unable to ever get me on my ‘phone when you ring when I am on my way home. How many times have you left messages asking me to pick up some milk or to collect one of our children from swimming or football only for me to pick the message up too late?

“I need to be available for my clients. They don’t know I am driving home nor do they care; they need to speak to me. After all, if it wasn’t for them we wouldn’t have this would we?” I explain pleasantly sweeping an expansive arm at the large house and expensive furnishings all around us. You nod in acceptance. You understand my work is important. I tell you often enough that it is.

“I wish you would meet me for lunch when I come into town,” you say every week or so. I kiss your forehead and tell you that I wish that I had the time to enjoy lunch the woman I love but it is a sandwich and a bottle of fizzy water at my desk for me. There are targets to hit. You nod in understanding and tell me that I work too hard. I thank you and my mind drifts to what I will eat in that Thai restaurant I will be having lunch in tomorrow.

“I wish they would leave you alone,” you sigh when I turn away from you in bed after having made love to you. Your hand lingers on my back, wanting to maintain the closeness and the connection as I attend to my ‘phone on the night stand and issue a late night text before placing it face down.

“I know but it saves waking up to a problem,” I say before turning back to you and kissing you as we nestle in our marital bed.

I know you cherish our weekends together when the demands of the working week intrude less on our domestic life. I can sense you looking at me as I sit, phone in hand, a smile of contentment playing across those lips but nowhere near as wide as the smile inside of me as I fire off a tempting and teasing message.

“Just seeing if Dan is available for squash next week. Tuesday night, so I will be back late,” I say across the room by way of explanation, opening up a gap in the week for someone other than you. You smile and nod and return to your book.

“I love you,” I say suddenly and you look up, the devotion and desire burning in your eyes and it seems so familiar almost making me say something, but the thought passes and I wallow in the admiration and love that you send towards me. You have never ceased to do that.

You do not know about her.

She thinks she knows all about you.

Neither of you really know what I am.

65 thoughts on “Outside Looking In

  1. NarcAngel says:

    Bookdbeyondsite
    Agreed. I believe the young woman shown is only representative of someone who may be involved in this type of relationship and not given as an example of one of HGs targets. He narrates the posts generally-not specific to the image shown. Young people are involved in these types of relationships and there has been much discussion on the blog about getting information such as is made available here to them to raise awareness. I think part of that could be to use images that they can relate to and identify with in order to get them to read and become educated.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Correct.

  2. C★ says:

    It does not matter what the age, what matters is the “aims”, fuel and residual benefits…. I read all the above comments and everyone seems to be forgetting this. Sex is to ensnare or to devalue or whatever the case may be. They are only “attracted” because of their aims… doesn’t matter if you are 20 or 80… its all about what they want to “use” you for. Remember that!!! They DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU, no matter what you want to tell yourself. But if you choose to be in denial, so be it and suffer the consequences

  3. In regards to LMNOP, It’s obvious this female in the picture is not a child. She appears to be a young woman and I, for one, did not even have that thought cross my mind. Young women are just as vulnerable to be entangled with these people. Damaged at a young age by love.

  4. Elle says:

    This is probably exactly how it was with my N. I was the dirty little secret, and I “knew” all about his girlfriend who supposedly wasn’t having sex with him anymore, hence why he was looking for an affair.

    The funny thing is I knew we weren’t going to run away together; I knew I wasn’t his primary; I knew I was nothing but a side piece. Not to mention, I’m married anyway, and had no intention of giving up the nice life I already had. He was also my side piece.

    But, he lied better than anyone I had ever known. My own sister who raised me was a Narcissist, but I still didn’t even see it in him until it was too late. He said everything I wanted to hear and had me wrapped around his little finger. I was addicted to him and sex was just the best I ever had.

    Then, when he knew he had me, he dropped me suddenly. We were literally in the middle of a conversation over the Kik app we used to chat on. He blocked me from everything. It hurt like nothing I ever experienced. I BELIEVED he loved me. He wanted me to believe it. Once he told me he was falling in love with me and he asked me how I felt about it. I told him I was married and loved my life, so it wasn’t something I was interested in happening. I was just having fun, and falling in love would just complicate things. Well, he replied with “But isn’t that what we want?”

    Now I know it was all just a ploy to sink his claws in even deeper. Simply fascinating he was, really. The manipulation was out of this world (in hindsight, of course).

    1. Narc affair says:

      Elle…your ex sounds the exact same as mine! In hindsight was there something specific that happened just before you were blocked? Not that there needed to be a reason bc narcissists think differently than your typical person. Im so sorry this happened to you! Its deeply upsetting and to just do that to someone with no warning is so wrong 🙁

      1. Elle says:

        Narc affair, I don’t know if I said or did anything specific to make him suddenly discard me, or if it was solely on his end (better fuel came along, etc.), but right before he ditched me I was being pushy about him coming over my place after work. I’m a sarcastic person (and told him as such) so I was teasing him, calling him a nickname he didn’t like, etc. So maybe I was being too aggressive for him or whatever, I don’t know.

        A normal guy looking for an ongoing affair would have loved the attention and opportunity to get laid again. Not someone looking to be in control though. Maybe it had to be on his terms.

      2. Narc affair says:

        Elle …you made a good pt about other fuel. Its not better its just “newer” and thats why the cycle happens to refresh fuel. Im sure he will be back with some lame excuse but hopefully you blocked him as well. It could be a number of reasons why he blocked you. Its very hurtful and he did you a favor making it easy to end things. Sorry you had to be hurt in the process ❤

  5. It all hurts. No matter which role is played in the Narc’s false reality. Being new to becoming awake to what has happened I’ve learned that even if the role isn’t the primary because it’s all lies. Some people say the role of the “dirty little secret” should not have been a path that was taken in the first place. These narcs convince, con and manipulate people to do things that would never have been conceived of prior to becoming entangled with them. When the reality hits, and the realization that every single thing that was said was a lie, it hurts. knowing hurts, not knowing hurts. I say everything was a lie, however not everything is. Things they say that you think are “cute” or loving in the beginning sometimes are actually true in a cold, evil honesty. It may be that the “dirty little secret” doesn’t get the full constant brutality of full discard abuse, but they most definitely get the fury and punished to stay in line with what they want. They get the pain of being told of a future life with the a man they fell in such deep intensive love with. They get the pain of knowing they aren’t even good enough to be made as the primary source. They get the shame and guilt of being with a man that was already in a relationship that they believed was ending, when in truth was not, even if that relationship is a façade. Knowing they don’t care hurts, knowing you are nothing but an object hurts. Knowing all the time that was put in loving this person and trying to understand their behavior hurts. It all hurts, and it is so hard breaking away from such a delusional love in order to heal.

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    Married? Good. *breathes huge sigh of relief at the fact that we will only be associates*.

  7. NC says:

    Hello again… The married guy having affairs. Please, please talk about the single N’s who seduce those who are married. BTW, I have changed my initials, HG. We emailed last week, remember? I must stay incognito for reasons I am sure you understand.

    1. Narc affair says:

      This is my scenerio NC. My narc loves married women and i can see why now. Hes never wanted to marry and its an easy way to build a supply network of supply that wont demand too much of him and he doesnt demand too much either bc he has multille sources(i suspect).
      I wont put the blame on him tho bc im to blame getting involved with him. He did seduce tho and do the narcissistic toolkit of lovebombing, mirroring, creating reliance and addiction. In fact when we met he said ” ohhh youre an empath” at the time stupidly i didnt know of the term or narcissist but i thjnk he knew what he was and what i was. He also said to me ” i want you addicted to me”. These stick out in my mind that he knew from the get go what he was doing and im sure had done it many times before. I am curious if hes been with any longer than myself 6 yrs. Its definitely possible. Hes ultra charming and shows support and concern very well. So well i feel guilty posting this 🙁

      1. Elle says:

        I’m also married and my N is with his girlfriend looking for an affair. He would also tell me things like yours did: “I want you to worship me like I will you.”

        Looking back I’m like why the hell did I fall for that? I consider myself a level-headed and intelligent woman. I’m usually very good at sniffing out lies and shady people.

        He also probably loved married women, because we have a lot to lose. Less likely to rat them out because we fear retaliation that might cause the homefront to implode. Very clever.

  8. C★ says:

    Take a moment to listen: this was named for this blog… lyrics and all and LOVE STAIND!!

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      Old song. Took me back. You are not ugly. And you will mend. I get it though. It’s an interesting mirror of the dance. And makes me wonder (now hearing it years later) who is the narc and who is the victim. Blurred. As per usual.

      1. C★ says:

        Well at least ONE person “got” what I was trying to express… thank you!

      2. C★ says:

        And I am surprised HG did not give a comment on this, lol… probably not a Staind fan?

  9. gabbanzobean says:

    You have described my life, the last 14 months of it anyway up until three months ago

  10. K says:

    This line is a gem: There are targets to hit. Your kind are all knaves!

    1. Narc affair says:

      I thought the same thing about that target line double entendre lol

      1. K says:

        Exactly, Narc affair. LOL!

  11. lmnop says:

    HG, the girl in the picture is very young. Are you also a pedophile? I realize you may not post this comment, but I am sure most of your readers are wondering the same thing. Reprehensible. You may want to put a different picture on this article. This is so gross.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No I am not and nor is she very young at all. That is a young woman, not a girl. I doubt any of my readers are thinking that at all.

      1. SVR says:

        Agree
        But too young for HG 😉

    2. Love says:

      Oh dear Lord, Imnop, the model in the pic is around 20. Look at her hands. Please don’t speak for others, because the rest of us have sense and don’t live under a rock.

      1. lmnop says:

        All, just raising awareness here, glad to see HG isn’t a pedophile, although he has written on narcissists using porn. Porn use and pedophilia are common among narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths/jezebel spirits. It is a huge problem. To me the “young woman” appears to be awfully young. Her hands? Yes, teens and preteens get fake nails all the time. Research for yourselves. I feel bad for the “young woman” in the picture. She probably has no idea her image is being associated with such an article. Exploitation IMHO.

      2. lmnop says:

        Both of the narcs I have been married too told me they’d find someone “much younger than me” or “half my age.” …Younger than their own children. They like shiny young trophies. Anyone else heard similar comments in devaluation? There is a definite connection.

      3. Anonymous says:

        lmnop: I’m pretty sure that woman got paid for having her picture taken. Whether she was aware what exact article her picture would be used for is not something I can tell, but pretty sure she isn’t being exploited.

        As for the shiny young trophies and my experience: I didn’t experience that personally. My ex had sex with a 66-year-old, I’m 40, he’s 41. He never made any comments about wanting anyone younger and/or me being too old.. On the contrary, he constantly made fun of me looking like a teenager. (I don’t actually look like one).

    3. Anonymous says:

      sorry, correction: apparently he didn’t have sex with 66-year-old, they “romped around naked”. Whatever the hell that means. I don’t want to imagine it. I shall go cleanse myself now.

    4. K says:

      Imnop
      My ex targeted a child that I raised from the age of 5 till he was 18. He targeted the child when he was 17 and still in high school.

    5. jenna says:

      She looks like she’s in her thirties. I believe many well groomed women who care abt their weight and fitness look abt 10 yrs younger than their actual age.

  12. Narc affair says:

    This one really hits home. Not in a good way but a reminder of how wrong this is on so many levels. Its been a tug o war between right and wrong. Affairs only end in disaster and you can never build on deception and lies. It fills the voids fleetingly but the problems are still there and unresolved. Your life is on hold and in limbo as you pine away for someone you have no business being involved with and you know deep down will never progress.What starts as perfection ends up being destruction on so many levels and mix in the narcissism and it can be pure hell making you wish youd never taken that path in the first place. You can never go back and many regrets lay along the way.

  13. MLA - Clarece says:

    And he don’t know…
    I dug my key into the side of
    his pretty little souped up
    4-wheel drive
    Carved my name into his leather seat
    I took a Louisville slugger
    to both headlights
    Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
    Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats…
    Carrie Underwood

    1. Matilda says:

      That reminds me of a woman I once read about who slashed his SPARE wheel in the car boot. For a moment, I was in awe of her intellectual brilliance…

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        Hell Yesssss to her brilliance

      2. Matilda says:

        😀

    2. C★ says:

      shit… i dream about going ballistic and then i moderate, because i know the consequences would further annihilate me…. so fucking frustrating

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        But there is some escapism in the dreaming part…

    3. windstorm2 says:

      Ooooh! That’s a good song!

    4. Indy says:

      MLA,
      Oh yessss….a goody.
      I also think of this video!
      (I love the power behind Beyoncé’s anger when wronged by a man.).

    5. Twilight says:

      Lol take the valve stem out
      Sit back and be entertained

  14. screwyoudick says:

    HG, Have you ever been victim to a lying cheating partner and if so what were your feelings or reaction? And do you really believe all narcs are cheats, now we know they are all liars but really are they all cheats. I never caught my ex cheating but I caught him in every imaginable lie.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They are all liars. That is why I dis-engaged.

      1. superxena says:

        Oh HG,
        Why do you say that all are liars?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Please see response provided above.

          1. superxena says:

            Thank you. You mean perhaps the answers below referring to broken promises and leaving information out?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            That’s right.

          3. Windstorm2 says:

            Do you not acknowledge a difference between intentional and unintentional untruth? If I tell my grandsons I will take them to the pet store in the morning, then the.next day my car won’t start – do you believe that I lied to them?
            To me there is a big difference in a lie and in being mistaken. It is the intent to deceive that makes the lie.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            I can distinguish between a lie being intentional or unintentional but the effects remains the same – you let me down.

      2. Matilda says:

        That sounds quite disillusioned, HG. It might be projection on your part, or fact. How did they lie to you?

        1) by accident, due to not having all necessary information
        2) out of politeness and tact, such as giving a compliment without truly meaning it
        3) broken promise, with or without intent
        4) information is left out on purpose to distort the truth
        5) truth is deliberately mixed with lie
        6) ‘caught in the act’ situation and lying to your face.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Broken promises in the main. Some would tell lies to try to protect themselves such as item (4) which you refer to. I didn’t for instance catch them having an affair when they said they were at a friend’s house, I chose empathic, honest and decent people as you know, but it was that they lied about what they would do for me, some lied about what I had done.

      3. screwyoudick says:

        Hmm! Interesting response, I’m kind of lost for words…the first thing that came to mind was ” he hates women”……

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I ‘love’ them and I hate them.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            And you can’t life without them…

          2. screwyoudick says:

            I suppose that comes from the trauma narc mother’s cause their son’s. I saw that on my experience. Sorry.

          3. jenna says:

            The word ‘love’ in quotes! Classic! Lol!

        2. jenna says:

          My ex also said he hates all women but he still seeks them out for niss’s.

      4. ava101 says:

        Are you being serious about “what they would do for me”?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I am.

      5. ava101 says:

        And you do realize that things change, that people have to look after themselves, too, that there are conflicting emotions and parts in people? And that people RE-act to your actions?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes, but my needs come first.

      6. Matilda says:

        “… it was that they lied about what they would do for me, some lied about what I had done.”

        I see, HG.

        I have some difficulty figuring out whether you are speaking from an entirely narcissistic point of view, or from a generally human one.

        When your relationships go downhill due to your narcissism, you’ll naturally regard their pledges as broken promises and their version of events as lies – that’s just the narcissistic dynamic. From a generally human point of view, without narcissism skewing the perspective, it’s more a matter of factual let downs and lies rather than perceived ones. That is NOT to say it did not happen, of course.

        Lying is despicable, no matter who does it. If you do not have truth, you have nothing at all.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Your observation is accurate Matilda.

      7. Matilda says:

        “Your observation is accurate Matilda.”

        Thank you, HG.

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