The Treatment


We do not seek treatment. The answer to why that is the case is a simple one. There is nothing wrong with us. Occasionally we may be compelled to undergo treatment but that is a different matter. We feel no compulsion at all to volunteer to be subjected to analysis and therapy because there is nothing wrong with us. Yes, we know that our treatment of other people is often unpleasant and has significant downsides to those who are subjected to it but that still does not amount to a good reason why we should seek some form of assistance. The way we behave is the way we behave. Deal with it. We cannot help but act this way because it is the way we have been designed. We must obtain our precious fuel and if that means we lash out and wound others, emotionally and physically then that it is the price that has to be paid. By you.

You must also remember that since we have no concept of empathy, when we see our behaviour injure others it does not affect us. We do not feel guilt, we do not feel shame at what we have done and we do not feel the need to put right the injurious harm we mete out to others. This is our modus operandi and it can never be changed. Add to that our lack of remorse and you have two huge reasons why we will not act to seek treatment to change our ways.

Naturally, there will be times where we will talk about seeking treatment.

“I need help, I know that now. You are the only one who can do it.”

“If I seek assistance for this terrible affliction, will you stay and help me?”

“I don’t know why I do it, perhaps I need help. Will you help me?”

“I need you. Don’t go. You have to save me from myself.”

“I will change, I will go and see somebody, just don’t leave me, please.”

These are all empty promises. Remember, words comes easy to us. We will dangle these carrots of penance and insight in order to get you to do what we want. Once that has been secured and you try to cash the cheque that we have written you will find the bank has not only been closed but razed to the ground. It is not a question of there being nothing to cash it against, there is nowhere to cash it.

Treatment is for the weak and foolish. To submit to it is an admission of weakness. In the rare instances that we will, it is only to enable us to get something else that we want or to prevent something drastic happening to us and thus we regard the pay-off as one worth making. We do this safe in the knowledge that any treatment will not be effective because:-

  1. We use our manipulative wiles to con the person treating us into concluding that there is nothing wrong with us;
  2. We spend the time trying to charm the therapist and this may work or if they are alive to our manipulation they are forced to terminate the work;
  3. We do not want to change and see the therapist’s actions as a direct challenge which we must thwart. Our energy is channelled into frustrating and defeating him or her and not applying ourselves to the treatment.
  4. We treat the treatment as a form of fuel.
This results in it being futile.
The reality is that those who engage with us are the ones that end up seeking treatment. It is most often the case that our bewildering and confusing conduct towards you has you at your wit’s end. You seek answers and if you are fortunate, you turn to a professional who is fully conversant with out kind. They are able to illuminate you to what you have endured, assist your understanding and then hold your hand as they take you through the painful and difficult extrication from our grip. You are blessed with insight from this treatment.
In certain instances, the abuse we dole out is such that it seriously damages the recipient and therefore treatment is needed to deal with the symptoms of our behaviour towards you. The ramifications for you are serious and have long lasting effects.
We do not seek the treatment. You do. In doing so this is often the first time you actually realise what you have encountered and what you have been subjected to.


21 thoughts on “The Treatment

  1. purpleinnature says:

    I understand the perspective from the greater and maybe even the lesser’s point of view. If you can’t relate to the hurt you cause, then why would you care or see anything wrong with it? You need to do what you do, you do it. Everything’s fine, what’s the problem? A lion hunts, kills and eats zebras with no remorse. Does the lion need treatment? No. There’s nothing wrong with him, unless you look at it from the zebra’s point of view. But what is the lion supposed to do? Starve to death for the sake of the zebras?

    But what about the mid-ranger? I would say he lives in constant discomfort and distress that he can’t understand. While in reality he cannot be helped, maybe he would actually feel better if it were possible to “cure” him. I guess it’s all a moot point, but I have to wonder.

  2. Romi says:

    Lol I started laughing while reading this. Look at them. They will not even spare the therapist. Oh God help them.

  3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


    You mean you don’t wanna make yourself comfortable on my couch?

    Lend me your brain for awhile.

    Come on…I’d entertain you.

  4. MsSevyn says:

    The treatment is a form of fuel. It’s the only logical answer. He’s been going for years, is open about it and nothing has changed. In fact, his alcoholism is getting worse. Our 16-year old watches everything he does with great admiration.

  5. Ellen says:

    Very insightful post HG.

    My (covert) narcissist mother did exactly what you described. She backed herself into a corner with suicide threats, and when I forced the issue and had her to go to crisis counselling she convinced the therapist that I was the one to blame. He bought her victim act to the point that I was called in and -politely- accused of keeping her ‘in solitary confinement’. This, of course, was my punishment for not agreeing to her demands that my husband and I not go away overnight without telling her where exactly we were going and when (to the hour) we would be back. (At that time, she was living quite independently in her own apartment in our house.)

    Therapy was useless, obviously, other than as a source of fuel for her.

    Thank you once again, HG, for another excellent post. I wonder, if you don’t mind answering, how does it feel for you to be so open and honest, and receive positive feedback for doing something that is helpful to so many, versus your ‘usual’ fuel of manipulation and/or lies?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is the effective approach in this forum.

  6. trinityinfinity2001 says:

    One time my narc was complaining about his life. I suggested therapy. His response? “But you’re my therapist.”

  7. Trinity says:

    I remember telling my narc that therapy would help him with the issues that he ‘confided’ to me he was having. He responded to me: “but you’re my therapist.” Oh, I had no idea.

  8. RecoveringNarcoholic says:

    My mid-ranger actually went to couples therapy with two of his former wives. In both cases, according to him, it was pointless because the wife and the therapist were “conspiring against him.” Ha. They probably just pointed out that he has some flaws, which of course is not permissible with a narc.

  9. DebbieWolf says:

    To HG

    This is really telling like it is then.
    You are very clear here.
    I sense your own resignation in the matter still.
    Will your own ‘therapy’ with the good doctors continue?

    Your insight is absolute and your own awareness appears insurmountable.
    You are talking from the position of being a psychopath or sociopath aswell as a narcissist.
    You have more layers to you therefore than a narcissist alone?
    Or am I completely wrong?

    (Ive had problems posting on the site today.)

  10. DebbieWolf says:

    This is really telling like it is then.
    You are very clear here.I sense your own resignation in the matter. Will your own ‘therapy’ with the good doctors continue?
    Your insight is absolute and your own awareness appears insurmountable.
    You are talking from the position of being a psychopath or sociopath aswell as a narcissist.
    You have more layers to you therefore than a narcissist alone?
    Or am I completely wrong?

  11. Anonymous says:

    At times I wonder if he knew/knows that something’s wrong with him. He never suggested getting help, though. The most he said is that he thinks he shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone, and it came across in the “I’m not good for anyone” and “something’s wrong with me, I can’t do relationships” kind of way. But maybe it was part of his game. I wrote a long email to him at the end of last year, after I spent days researching various personality disorders and mental illnesses, and suggested he should see a psychiatrist. Funnily enough, I never considered NPD and ASPD during my research. It wasn’t until months later that I figured out he was cheating that NPD/ASPD came to my attention. And even then, after reading various websites (especially psychforums), I was unsure. Until I found HG and another website (I think and it all became crystal-clear to me.

    I remember one time not too long ago after he had one of his “episodes”, we talked and made up, and I said “are you going to be normal from now on?” and he looked at me in this sad way, kind of with resignation, and said “I don’t know”. I think he might know he’s sabotaging his own life, but he cannot find a way out, and probably doesn’t want to either.

    1. Tracey says:

      I had a similar experience too, Anonymous. My ex N would refer to this vast emptiness he felt inside. It was as if he knew something was adrift but couldn’t work out what. He also admitted that he always felt this urge to run away, to escape when a relationship didn’t work out the way he wanted it to and that he didn’t care (the discard). There were always snippets of clarity for him but I doubt he’ll ever really work it out though. He’s already moved onto his next target though, courtesy of Elite Singles. I wish there was a way to warn people in advance. I do so feel for the unwitting victim/s that will befall his charms.

    2. trinityinfinity2001 says:

      I managed to discard my narc before he discarded me, though it was before I knew he was a narcissist. I just knew something was wrong. But the day I walked out I called him on his bullshit, telling him that I needed him to be a better man. My leaving was clearly a shock, because his reply was a desperate “I’m trying!” When, a few months later, but before I figured out that he’s a narc, I spoke to him again, he was 100% confident in himself. “I’m working on myself,” he said. And then emphasized that he’d moved on to someone else and that I wasn’t a priority. Two days later I discovered and this site, and it all clicked, so I was only horribly shocked and damaged in the discard for two days. But I think there was a small part of him that knew something was wrong. Or perhaps he was just that manipulative. I don’t put the latter past him. He’s solidly on the Greater end of the scale.

  12. RunningAway says:

    Hi HG,

    Since Narcissists and Sociopaths are not the same, although often co-existent, do you believe the level of sociopathy has any effect on outcomes of treatment? Can someone truly be a narcissist without being a sociopath as well? Can someone be a narcissist who also has remorse at times for their actions if they are not a sociopath? Do you believe that scientific advancements could eventually find a medicinal cure to Narcissism? If that happened, would you take the pill?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes you can be a narcissist without being a sociopath.
      A narcissist does not have remorse. They are either not a narcissist or they are faking the remorse (which does happen) as part of the manipulation.
      I think it unlikely but one can never rule it out I suppose in thousands of years’ time perhaps, or by then we may have completely taken over and see no need for such an advancement!
      Would I take the pill? What need is there for me to do so?

  13. Tracey says:

    My ex N sought treatment, but for the reasons you stated; to not do so would be deleterious to another aspect of his life, sorry, facade. Upon undergoing therapy he proceeded to manipulate the psychotherapist, undermine her professional discipline and regularly turned up late or failed to keep his appointments. When she pointed out that this was a devaluation of her time and professionalism, and also of his own commitment, he accused her of money grabbing and refused to pay for the sessions in question. Somehow he turned things around so that he was the victim at the hands of a shrewd quack who was ‘clearly trying to take advantage of him’. So began the pity ploys and poor me’s that seen to afflict the mid-ranger’s. The therapy sessions stopped, the narc felt vindicated and so the merry-go-round continued….

  14. A.R. says:

    After 37yrs only now am I able to take the noose off from around my neck. No longer am I walking the gallows.
    Problem is now it’s dark & I can’t see where I’m going. My hopes are that I find out who I am before I pass this mortal coil, & don’t find another narcissist on my way there.
    I couldn’t bear the pain one more time.
    I just don’t want to feel broken anymore.

    1. You will heal. It will take time and conscious effort. I have put a great deal of time into educating myself, therapy and creative expression in order to heal. I still have a ways to go but I am progessing. Now that you are aware, you will begin to create an arsenal that will protect you from manipulators. Blessings on the journey!

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