The Sense of Loss

THE SENSE OF LOSS

People always struggle with loss. It might be at the top of the scale where you have suffered a bereavement and lost a well-loved family member. It could be the loss of your home where you have lived for twenty years, owing to damage or repossession. It may be the loss of your job, a loss of good health all the way down to something far less important but a loss never the same, of your favourite restaurant when it closes or your daily caffeine injection from a coffee shop because you are economising. Take something away from someone and they will experience sadness, frustration, upset, anger and sometimes confusion. Since people are governed by emotions rather than cool, hard logic, the loss of something often has a devastating and traumatic effect, especially in respect of major losses such as a spouse or partner. Once upon  a time your parents seemed as if they would live forever. They were always there. They raised you, guided you and supported you. They let you find your own way through life but if ever you needed them they were always there to listen and help and then one day you find they have gone and you are left with a huge black hole in your life. Your best friend who you have known for over twenty-five years was a huge part of your life. You spoke daily, laughed about your younger selves and the scrapes you got into, supported one another and cruised through life like the dynamic duo until they have gone and you feel a massive void since their departure to the next life or another continent, dependent on the circumstances. Remove something from a person’s life and they are left with hurt, despondency and despair. This is all the more so when it is something or someone wonderful and delightful. Then the emptiness becomes a howling wilderness.

Of course we are fully aware of how loss affects people from our repeated study of people. We also know that being able to gift someone something wonderful and then remove it, is a sign of considerable power. A power that can be wielded with considerable effects. The power of withdrawal,even if just threatened, can bring about an extreme reaction in the subject. This is something we are fully aware of and something which we take advantage of.

We gave you everything in the beginning. We provided you with a love beyond compare, a dizzying array of compliments, a barrage of desire and a tsunami of flattery. We raised you up, higher and higher and sprayed you with affection, passion and generosity. The light was bright, warm and golden and we let it shine every day just for you. We allowed you to bask in this golden period of utter ecstasy and in return you gave us everything that you had in pursuit of the maintenance of this golden period. Without warning we withdrew it. The door was closed and the shutters lowered and once where you had walked happily and freely you too found yourself transported to the howling wilderness where you stood alone beneath grey, leaden skies as a cold and unforgiving wind whipped around you. It felt like someone had died.

Whereas once we uttered such sweet, sweet words to you, there is now only silence. The reassuring embrace of our arms and lips has somehow vanished and you feel stripped and vulnerable. All of the places we took you to and shared seem so distant and you begin to wonder whether they really happened. Alone and distraught,you wander this wilderness searching for us. Occasionally you catch a glimpse of us but in an instant we have disappeared as you stumble along. The kindness has been removed. The long nights of sexual congress which went beyond anything you have experienced before has been taken away, leaving your bed a cold,hard slab where rest is to be endured rather than enjoyed. If we even grace you with our presence in that place where we once coupled each and every night, a writhing mass of limbs and mouths that explored and pleasured, all you know now is our back which is defiantly presented to you each night. That’s if we even come to bed at all. The spare room or the sofa seem to attract us more than you these days.

We know that taking away this passion, desire, interest, largesse and kindness is like a hammer blow. It is as if we have died but yet you can still see us, touch us and hear us which makes the sense of loss even greater and all the more confusing. Like a pet-owner dangling a bone in front of a salivating puppy, we occasionally open the shutters and allow the golden period to return and the joy and the relief which washes over you at the restoration of his oh most glorious time is electrifying and so is the extent of your gratitude and delight. Yet it is ephemeral. It is like a wonderful dream that has transported you away from all the hurt and misery, but just like a dream when you open your eyes in the morning, it has gone.

The power that comes with withdrawal and your predictable reaction to it, mean that it is a method of manipulation that cannot be ignored. To bestow and then deny has you caught in the strings of our puppetry as we jerk you back and forth between granting those things that you desire the most and then taking them away from you. Your reactions and the control this grants us means that it is so simple yet so effective and something we can never withdraw from doing.

39 thoughts on “The Sense of Loss

  1. C★ says:

    This is one of the best control techniques…. therefore, I forced my mindset to be ” without expectation, no disappointment” . Then, you hold the power…. remove expectation from your mind and you are set free

  2. Patricia says:

    I realize that I shouldn’t be shocked by this, especially after all I have learned from you here but I must say you just blew my mind with this bit of info!! How horrible and cruel ! It’s hard not to hate you some days.

  3. Patricia says:

    Are you being sarcastic Mr. Tudor? Do you really film this???

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No I am not being sarcastic. I do not always film this, but I have done so.

      1. Scout says:

        ‘This’ being what exactly, HG? Forgive me if I’m wrong, I don’t wish to imply criminality on your part, but do you mean some sort of ‘spywear’ stuff that allows you to see us on your site?? (I believe this can be achieved, btw….) or do you mean you film your supply souces…?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          In my private life, not here.

      2. Scout says:

        Oh HG, you are very, very naughty.

      3. ava101 says:

        You just made me have the worst thought ever. You think it’s possible that my exnarc recorded our skype conversation when I was extremely upset?
        No normal person could ever guess the extend of your malice.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed they could not and that is why it is fundamental to have this input and information. One need not be alarmist about it, but as I often point out, people (understandably) look at this from their own word view and therefore fail to appreciate precisely what they are dealing with on many different levels.

      4. Matilda says:

        Why would you record that? To feast on her pain, and feel powerful when you watch the clip at your convenience? Much like the serial killer who keeps ‘souvenirs’ from the crime scene.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Sometimes being obvious about the recording adds to the reaction so it is done to provoke, so there is that to consider. The recording will provide fuel at a later stage, suitably edited highlights (if edit is needed) can be used in a smear campaign. The recording can also be shown to the victim later as part of further provocation “Have you seen yourself? Is it any wonder I despise you when you behave like this? Regulate yourself or it is over.”

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            The part that disturbs me the most in your response is where you save the video or pictures to use on the victim later to condemn. See this? Act correctly or else. I’m just seeing MatriNarc coming hard at a very small HG, prior to when you dissociated and condemning hatefully down your ear. The tactic tormenting a victim with a video may be yours, but the rest of this is learned behavior. Going to such an extreme to provoke a reaction (for fuel) and also build your defensive wall up for yourself is such a cry for help.

      5. Matilda says:

        I see! I learned something new today. I will remember that!! Another reason not to give them any fuel, and just leave.

  4. ballerina9 says:

    HG, how do you personally plan your dis – engagement from your IPPS once the replacement is lined up?
    1.Do you wake up and decide today is guillotine day?
    2.Or you know the axe will fall this week at the slightest wound but it is not “scheduled”.
    Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The dis-engagement suits how I wish to operate. Sometimes I say nothing and block them, other times I decide to deliver the news in person for a last dose of negative fuel (for the time being). Usually I decide on the day when it will occur, often to have maximum impact and occasionally they do something which means it happens more spontaneously.

      1. ballerina9 says:

        Enlightening!
        Can you share the highlights of the discard “speeches” you’ve delivered?
        Maybe in an article?
        How long does it last? Can’t imagine you leave when her tears start. But maybe you find Thought Fuel more stimulating?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I could share part of this, the bulk lies within The Asylum of the Grotesque (book). Of course I do not leave when the tears start.

          1. ballerina9 says:

            Do share a preview.
            But you depart as she is still crying anyway? Don’t tell me you settle in with some popcorn until she’s done?!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I remain and secretly film, continuing to slide that figurative stiletto knife in beneath the ribs over and over again.

          3. ballerina9 says:

            Arghhhhh … don’t ruin the word “stiletto” for me!
            Does the negative fuel get stale like positive fuel?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Yes.

          5. Some One says:

            Dear Lord, I got chills then.. HG dear man, you’re a goddamn force of nature.. Truly terrifying.

          6. MLA - Clarece says:

            Of course you don’t leave when they cry. That’s the Holy Grail for the Narcissist to draw that potent negative fuel.

      2. Scout says:

        You say in your last reply to ballerina9 that you secretly film. What exactly do you film HG? Curious…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Lots of things involving people for the purposes of manipulation.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            And it can also come across as someone desperately trying to capture over and over again the raw outpour of emotion to figure out why and how people feel things he can’t. People covet the most that which is right in front of them.

      3. Sookie Stackhouse says:

        Cell phone filming or hidden camera filming?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Either.

    2. C★ says:

      Excellent question….

      1. ballerina9 says:

        Thank you C*.  In light of HG filming certain discards -shocking but then again, N aren’t up for the Boyfriend Of The Year Award either – I hope he soon posts an article about the dis – engagement itself. 
        It might motivate concerned readers to escape and catch their N off-guard even further. 

        Who wants to see “that” footage plastered online or e-mailed to their boss or…what else do you do with these HG? I’m assuming that’s just the tip of the “Narc-berg”?

  5. DebbieWolf says:

    I lick my wounds..
    Then
    I bite back.
    The Great Escape.
    It isn’t me quivering in the wilderness anymore.
    And it never will be again.
    Weaponized doesn’t even begin to express my resolve.
    If anybody tries to hurt me with their shenanigans, I will deal with them to their detriment one way or another.
    I cannot be caught..trained..cornered or whatever the hell else.
    Ive decided it.

    Woe to the one that dares to take me or mine for a fool ever again.
    He who dares doesnt always win.
    A facade of a platitude that is!

    Zero Tolerence.
    Grrrrrr!!!! 🐾

    The End.

    Lol yes…(but I mean it.)

  6. mistynolan01 says:

    It got to the point where when he treated me like that I became like a gray stone: nothing, zilch, nada, dead — if I couldn’t or wouldn’t find something else to do. He couldn’t quite take me up and down like a freaking yo-yo.

    Well, he did, but it wasn’t evident to him. I know it wounded him.

    Good.

    I smile!

  7. Narc affair says:

    This resonates with me in conjunction with shelving. When the narc has shelved me its a loss bc were not as intimate and he friend zones me. This has been a struggle. In my mind i know what i need to do and this blog backs that up and thats to start taking things away from him or end it and go no contact. Hes not the only one whose given to me ive given so very much to him. Ive built him up on a daily basis, constantly complimenting him, given him my undivided attention in his interests, listened to his bs trump talk ughh, supported him when he lost his father and sister, done things to make him feel special, given him my unconditional love despite the insecurity hes caused me, put up with his lies, given up every evening to be with him offline and online, lost sleep every night for 6 yrs, given up a lot of my self respect and morals. Ive given a hell of a lot more than hes given me so maybe its time we start doing some of our own taking away as victims. The beauty of learning about narcissism is the tables can be reversed once you understand what and why they behave this way. The narcs dont just give to use we give so very much to them!!

    1. Kim e says:

      Narc Affair. What would be the 1st thing you would take away

  8. Scout says:

    Cruelty personified and all in the name of “power”, but this power is an illusion; it delivers nothing of true value, just inner turmoil for the narc and utter misery for the victim.

  9. Some One says:

    Speaking of a sense of loss.. 👑 I’m sure you would have been amused by the fact I missed you after the live YouTube last night.. I sure laughed at myself. The talk was both fascinating and terrifying, I enjoyed it very much.. If we’d been at a concert I think some of those women would’ve been throwing panties you.
    I just logged on to ask your opinion on something I was reading earlier, hope that’s fine.. I’ll be as articulate as I can be, I struggle with putting words together now I promise I have no bad intentions, anyway here goes..
    When a primary source is targeted and moulded to your liking, would you agree with the idea that your aim after you embed and shelve your primary is to for them to take on the equivalent of a parental role in your life? A source of unconditional love, someone who will ‘take care of you’ and ‘clean up the mess.’ Is this why you lose interest in sex with the primary source? Are you in effect trying to create what you missed out on in your childhood?
    Due to the abuse I suffered in my own childhood I admit to finding the world a scary place sometimes, life in general can be very overwhelming for me. I enjoy being in older company sometimes because they’re ‘proper grown ups’ and its a nice break lol.
    I’m a strong woman, one of the strongest in fact, but I can still have moments of feeling like I’m 3 years old being abandoned all over again. It may also interest you to know that matrinarc adopted me and my sisters into her mess of a world, me and my oldest sister were told me were never wanted and the scapegoats for the ‘loss of her hopes and dreams’ and the whole adoption process hell WE put HER through, I actually believed it too & felt terrible for her, ooops there go my codependent traits again, lol..
    Great post by the way, that sense of loss never leaves us fully either (even though none of it was ever real) But I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that Mr Greater.. 👑
    Thank you for your time HG..

    1. Morning sun says:

      If we’d been at a concert I think some of those “women would’ve been throwing panties you.”

      The ones who’d throw themselves at HG knowingly would deserve everything they’d get. That’s just beyond stupid. No, you would not be different. No, you would not be the one. Knowing that a monster is a monster doesn’t protect you. Keeping your distance/walking away does.

  10. SVR says:

    Dear, dear, dear. So very cruel and insane.

    1. Bel says:

      The most evil people god ever put breath into .

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